I'm an awful person.........can i change?

[layercakegal]

Hi all, i've posted a few times here before and you've all been really helpful.

 

For a long time now i've just thought im a horrible person, like evil inside

 

A few months ago my friend's brother committed suicide, (we're 21, his brother was a few years older) and he asked me to go to the funeral. For whatever reasons, (including that i had tickets to a concert that night and that my uncle i was closest to had died a few months earlier and the funeral was extremely traumatic), i didnt go because i felt it wasnt my place to be at a funeral of someone i didnt really know, for a friend who i have drifted apart from, along with all the other baggage.

 

Basically, he said he was ok with me not going but then i guess he found out i went to the concert and hated me because of it. All our combined friends hated me too, the end result being that no-one wanted anything to do with me, and although i think now everyone is past it in some respects, it still feels like its a very current issue.

 

For example, some people that got very angry about it, invited me to their new years party. Now i swear i dont ever mean to be horrible or upset anyone, i try to be a nice person, but i didnt go because i felt worried that they would bring it up and would be an excuse to get me where they wanted me to attack me, in a sense, and that their invitation wasnt a genuine feeling of wanting to see me and spend time with me (we go to different universties and dont see each other much at all anymore.)

 

I feel so much guilt about my friend, i attempted to apologise to him when i realised what i'd done but he said not to talk to him and any attempts i made were shut down by him.

 

I dont know what to do, i really dont feel im purposefully horrible but it must come across like that, im a very quiet person and my counsellor has worked out that tend to avoid anything at all costs that could be uncomfortable or that is too hard for me, which i guess is why im now backing off from all my friends from home, because i still feel like theyre not truly my friends now.

 

Im sorry if ive come across as arrogant or, i dont know, i just want some help to be a better person and try to change and stop hurting people

 

Sorry

 

Thankyou x x

[MotherGooze]

As I see it, everyone has bad and good things, doesn't mean you are good or bad, just human.

 

I can understand why you didn't go to a funural of someone you don't know. From your friends point of view though they might have seen it as you didn't support their loss and their pain.

 

With situations like these you always have to try and think about how others feel about your actions. But on the other hand, don't be too selfless. Have you tried talking to you other friends? I think it might be a good sollution. If they don't know you feel bad or guilty, they can't really smell it. I say, that lack of communication is always where most of the troubles start. Even if your friend doesn't want to talk with you, your other friends might and if you give your friend some time, you might even get the chance to talk to him as well. Just give it some time.

[layercakegal]

Thanks, MotherGooze.

 

At the time, i did think about myself and how it would be so much easier not to go to the funeral of my friend's brother. I guess it hadnt really sunk in what had happened, and i just took the easy way out.

 

I tried to let my friend know i was there for him, i texted to say i was thinking of him and his family on the day and that i would be coming home the next day if he wanted someone to talk to but he blocked me out, which is his right i suppose.

 

We are talking again, but barely, as i guess im scared of being friends with him again because i still feel so awful. My other friends have talked to me on occasion, but i question their intentions - whether they truly do want to let whats bygones be bygones or still feel angry - not to sound horrible but they always loved drama, a good excuse to jump on the bandwagon of the current issue, which is why i distanced myself from them, because when i moved away there was never any drama, it was just normal.

 

I always have thought of others, putting myself out for them and then getting little back, as i was bullied a lot at school and became untrusting of people, and while i will be selfless for some people, i have drawn back a little as ive grown up.

 

Thankyou for your post - time sounds great, its just the worrying, stress and uncertainty of what might happen in that time that i find daunting!

[The Collector]

not to sound horrible but they always loved drama, a good excuse to jump on the bandwagon of the current issue,

 

This is what I think is going on. So you didn't go to a funeral of someone you barely knew. Funerals are private things anyway, you are well within your rights to not want to go, and you tried being there for your friend after. Stop beating yourself up over it.

[layercakegal]

thanks i needed that

[westrock]

First off, you are not an awful person. You are a human person. Every person handles death and funerals differently.

 

What you may want to do is hand write a note to your friend and mail it to him and his family. No email, no text nessage. In the note, express your sympathy for the loss of your friend's brother and that you feel sorry for not attending the funeral. Indicate that you personally know how hard it is to lose a loved one as you had only lost your own closest uncle a few months before and you found it very emotionally traumatic for you. Indicate that you are still grieving the loss of your uncle and it would have been too emotional for you to attend the funeral of your friend's brother and eventhough you did not attend, you understand the pain of their loss. Let him know that you are there to talk with him to help him get through this difficult time as you can relate to losing a loved one.

[Els]

You made a few mistakes. If that makes you a horrible person, then everyone here is horrible too.

 

However. Am I right in guessing that you do your darned best to avoid potentially awkward situations? Maybe because you didn't know what you should do there or how you might react due to the traumatic funeral you attended before? You might have explained all your insecurities to your friend instead of saying that you didn't want to go because you didn't know his brother. That's pretty much the same as saying 'I'm not gonna stand by you in this time of grief'. Sometimes you don't go to funerals for the person who passed away, you go to give your support to their grieving family member(s).

 

Either way, that's all past, and I think you might be sabotaging yourself by refusing all their attempts at renewing contact with you by thinking too much about the past. DO you want to renew contact with them, in the first place? If not, what are you worrying about? You've a fresh start in uni, lots of new people to meet...

[quankanne]

somehow, I think her friend's anger is not because she didn't want to go to the funeral, but because she *could* go to a concert. And that was salt in a raw wound created by his brother's death.

 

OP, I know it was your call to not go to the funeral – and I completely get your being traumatized by your uncle's death that you couldn't deal with another funeral so soon – but you've got to admit, it appeared very callous to then go to the concert, even though there really wasn't anything wrong with doing that either. When you're in a world of pain, especially when you lose someone close to you, you expect the world to stop spinning, you know?

 

at this point, maybe the best thing to do is to just quietly let him know that you realize your actions were hurtful to him (mind you, I'm not saying that you did anything wrong, but that he was hurt by them), and you hope that he can forgive you for causing him pain.

 

really, that's the most you can do when someone is offended or hurt by something you did, and you didn't mean to offend them: Acknowledge the action, then ask for forgiveness. I think that will help him look at it from another viewpoint.

 

hugs,

quank