Lizzie60 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Yes I think he had a good reason to be offended.. I wouldn't date a guy who is not 'my style' and that includes the way he dresses. So why are you dating him? Maybe there is something about you he didn't like.. would you like to know that he didn't like your haircut or something ?
Island Girl Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Then mission accomplished. He got a good feel of what she's like, whether he likes it or not. But the fact is, she didn't force the conversation in that direction, he went there. If she insisted on talking about fashion and materialistic things, that's different than if he brought it up and she kept responding Not the original topic of the thread. Not what the OP asked. The question is do you think he is offended by what she said and how she said it. And we do not know who in fact brought up the topic. In the secondary post she said "we were talking about shopping". Therefore you're shallow but not materialistic? I think that's a harsh label to put on you, just like it's harsh to say hotgelato is materialistic simply because she likes men with fashionable style, and she responded to a conversation driven by the guy. Yes. I would be considered shallow by some, discriminatory by others, and just wonderful by others. I have no problem with that. I am 5'10" and I like to feel like a woman. Unfortunately for shorter men who would want to date me I just end up feeling like the male in the relationship because I feel I would have to protect him if something unfortunate were to happen. If that is a fault in some people's eyes then so be it. Just like being materialistic may be a fault to me and not something I look for, there are people out there that are indeed attracted to that quality. Ok, now he knows what she's like. If he wants to dress fashionable to impress her, it's his choice. He doesn't have to. hotgelato isn't going to force him to. Worst case, she won't date him. How's that any different from you not dating a short guy? Again not the question that the OP asked. She asked if the audience here thought he may be offended by what she said and how she said it. It sounds like for her the worst case is he won't date her - not the other way around. She did in fact mention that she has had trouble with this type of situation before. So there is a difference. I am perfectly fine with my decisions about who I date and why. She doesn't seem to be so there may be internal work to do there. Either she needs to become more comfortable about being materialistic or she needs to work on eradicating that characteristic. This seems to have hit a real chord with you. Is there something more personal going on and this touched on that strained nerve? Possibly you have a first hand experience that is similar to the OP's?
BCCA Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 he said he'll try to dress up nicer LOL My guess is he was being sarcastic, or was just plain hurt. It sounds like no matter what light you've spun the direction of the conversation, the one constant is that it's important to you to date someone who wears what you consider to be stylish clothes. Fine, everyone has their own 'list'. Part of the trade off, however, is that some will call you materialistic, and if you think about the definition, you are more concerned with material things than the actual person in question. And maybe he doesnt have the money to flaunt Boss or Prada, and he's doing the best he can. Maybe he thought he looked just fine. As long as a girl didn't show up in sweat pants and looking like she just woke up, what she wears is really irellevant. Now, if we're going to my company party or the operah, yeah, then it's only appropriate to dress accordingly. But some of my favorite times are spent in pj's. I think the point people are trying to make is that you seem more concerned with what someone wears, rather than who wears it.
D-Lish Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Ugh, I'd be turned off by a guy that had to wear "labels", I'd assume he was materialistic and shallow. And this is coming from someone that worked in the fashion industry for years! I never make reference to the way a guy dresses in the beginning of a relationship. If he asked for my opinion, I'd give it to him, or buy him some pieces here and there. Telling someone they should dress nicer would probably be insulting and make them feel crappy.
fishtaco Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 This seems to have hit a real chord with you. Is there something more personal going on and this touched on that strained nerve? Possibly you have a first hand experience that is similar to the OP's? I just think it was overkill to call the OP materialistic. But I guess if you accept people considering you shallow, kudos from me for not being a hypocrite. Although as I said before, personally I wouldn't consider you shallow, it's just preferences. But if you insist on raising your hand and saying me! me! me!, that's your choice. My point is, how about not call her materialistic? She wants a guy that dress nice, and people (don't know if you did, don't care to re-read the thread) flip out. I suppose women are not allowed to care about how her man dresses. But since you said this is going off topic, I'll stop.
boldjack Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 ........basically, If HG's bf isn't insulted, he should be. That is if he has a set. I simply can't imagine going shopping with any woman and talking fashion. I've dated all sorts of women tall, short, black, white, fat, thin. Never ever, not even once have I mentioned their clothing or personal appearance. First, I'm a Gentleman and wouldn't do it, second If I'm dating her then One can only assume That I LIKE HER LOOKS!! Jeez.....
Author hotgelato Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Ok more clarification. HE brought the whole conversation up first. HE asked me "do you think I should dress up nicer?" I simply responded with honesty because I haven't seen him in nice clothes yet and part of me wanted him to impress me. I did not meant any other way but was just being honest. I was just confused why he would say "I'll dress up nicer next time" because the convo about the whole dressing-up was only 2-3 min tops and we had great time talking about other things. I had forgotten about it until he brought it up later in the date. So, my question was, if he was being sarcastic, or is he offended, or is he really trying to impress me? I guess you never know until you find out. But he texted several times today saying he had a good time and would like to see me again. that was ALL i asked. I just wanted to know how touchy this dress-up issue is in the beginning of dating period, since all my exes were already well-dressed and i've never had this problem before. haha. Thanks for labeling me and un-labeling me as materialistic though. I know I can be sometimes, but seriously, who does not like clean, nicely dressed people. I'm not talking about designer labels. I just want some decent guy who dress up with clean ironed shirt that fits. Yeah, and maybe I should not give a guy chance at all because he doesn't dress up nice. Thanks for that input really. It really makes me less of materialistic eh? and for those of you who said "ugh" really? you don't know me. don't judge.
Shygirl15 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Hg, you're now changing the whole story to put yourself in a better light, after the original negative comments. Now it's your BF who initiated the fashion discussion. Really? Ding, dong.
Author hotgelato Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 shygirl. Read my posts carefully. There were 2 different guys and I'm talking about the guy that I recently went out with. On my original post, I didn't explain the situation in detail. The second guy I mentioned, yes, I did bring up the topic of his sweater. And I've only mentioned him on the post cuz it seemed like both guys are somewhat offended if i talked about clothes.
Tomcat33 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Sounds like he got offended and it was sarcasm. I don't think discussing how a guy dresses is necessarily bad, depends on how you do it. BUT to tell him you should dress nicer, and on top if to compare him to how great your past guys dressed, that's a big no-no. Strategy my friend.
Author hotgelato Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Yeah, that was my question Tomcat. I never had to discuss about this with my exes. I just answered to question he asked and also added it would be up to him completely. Then, he hugged me and said Thank you. haha. Then he brought it up again at the end of the date like in a sarcastic way!! that's whats confusing!! We'll just have to see if he does dress up or not next time.
Tomcat33 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Have you heard from him since? Sorry I didn't read the whole thread...
Author hotgelato Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Yeah, he sent several texts and wants to meet up this weekend. So i guess he might've gotten offended but still wants to see me? Or he was really going to try dressing up? I dunno.. it's the fact he said "I'll try to dress up nicer next time" made me feel bad. Like I hurt his feelings. Why would he say that..
Tomcat33 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 oh well then he can't be too offended I wouldn't worry about it. Make sure you compliment how he is dressed next time if he is trying and if you can't because he looks the same dress-wise tell him he smells great or that his hair turned out really well, compliment on something real though don't fake it. I think the bad part was talking about how well your exes dressed, don't do that anymore.
dreamergrl Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I dunno.. it's the fact he said "I'll try to dress up nicer next time" made me feel bad. Like I hurt his feelings. Why would he say that.. Because you probably hurt his feelings. Just because he does want to see you again, doens't mean he wasn't offended. He's probably giving you another try to see what happens.
Adunaphel Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I was just confused why he would say "I'll dress up nicer next time" because the convo about the whole dressing-up was only 2-3 min tops and we had great time talking about other things. I had forgotten about it until he brought it up later in the date. So, my question was, if he was being sarcastic, or is he offended, or is he really trying to impress me? I guess you never know until you find out. But he texted several times today saying he had a good time and would like to see me again. It sounds like he is a bit insecure. I think he might be a little hurt, probably the best way to make him feel better is not to mention clothes at all on the next date and, in case he brings it up, to dismiss the subject and remind him that it is him you like. If he dress nicer, it is an extra and you are pleased for the thought, but it is not necessary you are way more pleased that you are on a date with him again.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Like Tomcat says, it is all about strategy. I also like my men to look nice when I go out with them. Dressing nicely is not just for you, it is for the other person. It is a form of respect, which is why you see people going to church wearing dresses and suits. I went on an online date once. We met at a nice restaurant/bar nearby. It's the kind of place where people do not wear hole-y jeans and t-shirts. He had been there before, so he must have known that. Anyway, I wore a nice pair of white pants (it was summer) and a blouse with a chunky necklace. He showed up in ratty jeans and an old worn out t- shirt. I think that is disrespectful. I didn't wake up, roll out of bed, and put on my painting clothes, did I? No, I took a shower, styled my hair, ironed my pants, and did my best to look presentable. Notice I did not say that I was wearing any fancy labels, or even anything that expensive. So in my humble opinion, clothes do matter to a degree. Now if it is simply a matter of style, like you don't like khaki pants (I don't!) then that is not really cool to say that to the other person. If they obviously made an effort, and you just don't like what they put together, then you really shouldn't say anything.
Lishy Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Hahahha I would have done the same - I am anal about what a guy wears and it can turn me off him Gel, next time you meet up tell him you did not mean to offend him and that you like his sweater but you would like it a whole lot more if it was a Prada one hahahha Chill!!
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Ugh Ugh X 2 He must be desperate. :lmao: EXACTLY what I was thinking! I think he should gather up his man sac and run away with what little self-respect he has left.
BentSpine Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'm a straight male who responds to a conservatively dressed women. But I would NOT claim that what looks nice to me automatically looks nice to others. Off-the-rack clothes don't fit everyone. Clothes also aren't only aesthetics, clothes also reveals about our inter-personal strategies. With our clothes we all try to associate with a group that each stands for a valuable trait. So what's nice to me isn't necessarily what another man would want to wear. LIkewise, the clothes that the Original Poster thinks is "nice" may be totally different. Without being specific, the poor guy is more or less stumbling in the dark. The red flag for me is that she actually knew what brands the exes wore. Let me give you some insight here: Brands.Doesn't.Mean.Superior.Garment. What matters is if a piece of clothing fits your body, and that won't change in the next 20 years if your body doesn't change. So if he has a shirt that fits, it'll make sense to wear it often. The very idea that what look good on you changes, is an idea created by garment producers in order to sell more clothes. Brands and Fashion is for those who must pursuade the observer, and themselves, that what they're wearing isn't crap, even though that's exactly how the ready-to-wear garment happens to look like on them.
amaysngrace Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I have had issues with this type of thing because I want things certain way, and I hint the guys to do them for me and I think I'm being subtle, but sometimes it isn't so. One other occasion with a different guy, I was really clueless about his views on fashion and materials. I told him he wears that particular sweater a lot, and you must really like it. And I told him it looks good on him. Later on in the relationship, he told me that I am too materialistic. When the only materialistic thing i've mentioned to him was that sweater. Am I being shallow for guys to dress up nice and take care of them? Seriously, I know guys "say" they don't care how girls dress up, but isnt it true that guys treat nice-dressed girls better? I think people who take so much time polishing up the outside lack something inside. It is like these people who have to break their behinds keeping their yards meticulous. To me it seems they have serious problems with control and outer approval. I like getting dressed up too. But it seems I get approached a lot more if I am dressed down. When I am dressed up I have been called names. Gold-digger comes to mind by some tool I met in a club once. That is so not who I am. Regardless if you are so hung up on labels and outer appearances because you crave the approval of strangers then you have some issues to me. It seems like you are looking outside for something that should be inside yourself. If the clothes on your back is what makes you feel good about yourself then you need to do more to find personal validation inside yourself. And shopping is not going to cut it.
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