Simply broken

[birdy1]

I am in complete shock and just sick with grief! I guess you could say I did it to myself. I don't know where to even begin and probably sound like I am crazy! I have been spinning my wheels with a man that has to be the most heartless person that I have ever come into contact with. I can't believe that someone that you have loved with all of your heart for so many years could be so cruel! Story goes: Grew up with a boy that I completely adored as a 14 year old girl. We were both of different cultures, our families knew nothing of the relationship, so we were basically sneaking around to see each other and after a year and a half it fizzled out. He went off to college and I was the heartbroke teenage girl. I moved on with my life and ended up getting into another relationship at the age of 16 that lasted 7yrs. Summer of 2002 out of the blue my teenage love was back, it was like we immediately fell back in love. I can honestly say it was the best summer of my entire life, we were inseparable. After about 4yrs it got really rocky, we called it quits and I moved out. We have been on and off ever since. Last summer I just couldn't take it anymore, I was so tired of us getting back together, just to eventually hear months later that it just wasn't going to work out. I moved out of state to be closer to my family, and had no contact with him for months was moving on with my life taking classes, started dating again, and was really starting to feel human again. The beginning of September I got a call from him that was basically just small talk after a couple of weeks he started saying I want to see you. SOOOOOOO of course I started busting my butt at work like a crazy woman so I could start coming back to see him once a month, I was so happy again... we were enjoying each others company again and I really thought that this meant that we were suppose to be together. I come into town December 28th after working like a dog for 2 straight weeks, doubles on Christmas eve and Christmas, who needed Christmas I thought, I was going back to see my love. So the first disappointment was him being late from picking me up from the airport, oh well he overslept. After a day of being with him he gets a call from a family member saying that his nephew was to be married (nephew went out of country weeks earlier on a mission to find a Muslim wife), and they really thought that his uncle should be there to see his nephew be married. We talked about how I just got there to see him and that i was disappointed, but I told him to go, I said if it were my nephew I would want to be there. He was leaving the next morning after me being there only 2 days. Before he left we had this really long conversation about how much we cared for each other and we really wanted us... He told me to get into my 9 month program and when I was done we would be engaged. The man promised me that we were going to have a family and be happy forever! I was upset when he left, but at the same time happy that he said the words i have been longing to hear for so long! Weeks went by without hearing from him, I made every excuse, well he is out of country its probably hard to call blah blah blah. He gets back and still isn't responding to my texts, calls anything. Now just to rewind a bit, I have this guys car, he told me to drive it home and when he got back , i would just drive back. Finally I sent him a text saying to u not care about anything, your car is out of state and you have mentioned one word about it. Finally I get a text back... The car is with you there for I know its safe. I never intended to cause u so much pain, i am so ashamed of myself. All I ever wanted was 4 u to be happy, u deserve it, sorry. WTF is that suppose to mean? Come to find out his nephew wasn't the only one that got married while they were there! I am so devastated, how can someone say they love you and want to have a family with you, just to turn around and marry a complete stranger your family picks for u? Please someone help me make some sense of this?

[Geishawhelk]

It seems his cultural influence was stronger than you were.

he is conforming to his customs' and family's requirements.

Sometimes things like this are too strong to fight.

 

Don't take it personally.

I really mean that - he could have fallen for any girl like you, and his culture, upbringing and conditioning would still have led him to do the same.

Thank goodness he left you with a car and not a baby.

 

He wasn't being cruel. Not intentionally. he almost certainly did love you very much. His worst crime in this, is being dishonest and covert about his actions.....

Jeesh, I was waiting to see something about physical or verbal abuse, or something of that ilk.

 

I'm sorry, but you're going to have to notch this one down to a sad experience.

[ninjaturtles]

I am in complete shock and just sick with grief! I guess you could say I did it to myself. I don't know where to even begin and probably sound like I am crazy! I have been spinning my wheels with a man that has to be the most heartless person that I have ever come into contact with. I can't believe that someone that you have loved with all of your heart for so many years could be so cruel! Story goes: Grew up with a boy that I completely adored as a 14 year old girl. We were both of different cultures, our families knew nothing of the relationship, so we were basically sneaking around to see each other and after a year and a half it fizzled out. He went off to college and I was the heartbroke teenage girl. I moved on with my life and ended up getting into another relationship at the age of 16 that lasted 7yrs. Summer of 2002 out of the blue my teenage love was back, it was like we immediately fell back in love. I can honestly say it was the best summer of my entire life, we were inseparable. After about 4yrs it got really rocky, we called it quits and I moved out. We have been on and off ever since. Last summer I just couldn't take it anymore, I was so tired of us getting back together, just to eventually hear months later that it just wasn't going to work out. I moved out of state to be closer to my family, and had no contact with him for months was moving on with my life taking classes, started dating again, and was really starting to feel human again. The beginning of September I got a call from him that was basically just small talk after a couple of weeks he started saying I want to see you. SOOOOOOO of course I started busting my butt at work like a crazy woman so I could start coming back to see him once a month, I was so happy again... we were enjoying each others company again and I really thought that this meant that we were suppose to be together. I come into town December 28th after working like a dog for 2 straight weeks, doubles on Christmas eve and Christmas, who needed Christmas I thought, I was going back to see my love. So the first disappointment was him being late from picking me up from the airport, oh well he overslept. After a day of being with him he gets a call from a family member saying that his nephew was to be married (nephew went out of country weeks earlier on a mission to find a Muslim wife), and they really thought that his uncle should be there to see his nephew be married. We talked about how I just got there to see him and that i was disappointed, but I told him to go, I said if it were my nephew I would want to be there. He was leaving the next morning after me being there only 2 days. Before he left we had this really long conversation about how much we cared for each other and we really wanted us... He told me to get into my 9 month program and when I was done we would be engaged. The man promised me that we were going to have a family and be happy forever! I was upset when he left, but at the same time happy that he said the words i have been longing to hear for so long! Weeks went by without hearing from him, I made every excuse, well he is out of country its probably hard to call blah blah blah. He gets back and still isn't responding to my texts, calls anything. Now just to rewind a bit, I have this guys car, he told me to drive it home and when he got back , i would just drive back. Finally I sent him a text saying to u not care about anything, your car is out of state and you have mentioned one word about it. Finally I get a text back... The car is with you there for I know its safe. I never intended to cause u so much pain, i am so ashamed of myself. All I ever wanted was 4 u to be happy, u deserve it, sorry. WTF is that suppose to mean? Come to find out his nephew wasn't the only one that got married while they were there! I am so devastated, how can someone say they love you and want to have a family with you, just to turn around and marry a complete stranger your family picks for u? Please someone help me make some sense of this?

 

Hi there! I am very sorry about your phlight. It really is unfortunate and you must be in dire pain. It will not be easy to overcome the pain, it will take time so ensure you read all posts on here regarding coping during breakups. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, I am partly african and a christian. Let me tell you something. I know all about cultural differences. I have a lot of moslen friends and have even dated a moslem man. Muslims take their religion very very seriously. It is of paramount importance to a moslem family, that their family members marry within the islamic clan. This is something you need to understand. it has nothing to do with you. Had I been known you personally, I would have advised you much earlier regarding the relationship. Very rarely do muslims marry chrisitians without converting their partner to islam. I am so so sorry for your pain. All I can tell is is this- don't take it personally. Family pressure can be very strong, especially in muslim families. (And vice versa to be honest. My parents would almost not allow me marry a muslim). This was an arranged marriage. Typical. It does not mean he did not love you. He was a coward. I am sorry but you have to be strong. This is one of those things in life you have to accept. It's unfortunate there were cultural differences. Take heart and keep posting. Xxx

[birdy1]

I guess thats the sad part about it... Because I really believed this man loved me. I mean I traveled 400 miles away to be away from him last summer and had no contact, out of the blue he calls me again and starts us back up! I did finally talk to him 4 days ago and he sounded sad and broken, he told me that I would never understand the pressure his family put on him, and there is nothing he could do about it now and someday I would find love again. I feel like he was never honest though, our whole relationship was a sham! I MEAN THE GUY DOES EVERYTHING THAT A MUSLIMS NOT SUPPOSE TO DO, drinking, eating pork, not praying... I thought he was americanized! I also believe that he may have been married before we got together. He was with another American girl back in college , and something tells that it was the same scenario with them. I found a photo album soon after we got together, when I opened it up i seen the colors of Muslim wedding and a man and women, he immediately took the book from me and through it in the lake. He told me he was engaged before and that was it, I think the guy was married! He never mentioned much about the girl he dated in college except that she moved out of state to finish her education... I really have given our relationship and all of his actions a lot of thought over the last few days and I believe this is not the first time he has done this. I can't imagine ever treating anyone like this or playing with their heart! I am mad, sad, and so frustrated! He had the nerve to ask me if he could still call me... I mean for what, to keep pouring salt on the wound! I would have done anything to be with him, i loved him that much, and have since I was 14! I guess my love just didn't matter!

[JooLee]

im wondering where he is originally from. i'm guessing he's a middle eastern?

anyhow, there are many muslims who does everything that a muslim is not suppose to do.. drink, hav sex, not praying etc etc. although HE may not be religious but when it comes to cultural and family values, they dont have a say, because these people they pride on the family name. their dignity lies on the name of the family and if one person does wrong, the whole family gets the rotten name. thats how it is in muslim families.

 

but it also depends on where he is from. i am a muslim and where it is here its different.

 

so from what you told i am just guessing he is either a middle eastern, and for them, who they marry really matters - some even marry within the family (as i said to keep the family name etc). and they really do not have a say in it no matter how liberalised they are.

[Geishawhelk]

Like I said, thank goodness it's a car and not a kid.

 

you got away lightly.

A lady I used to work with married a moslem, converted to Islam, went to Iraq to be with him - and was treated like a base pig by him and his family.

It took her 5 months to get away from him, and really, it was an extremely dangerous situation to be in.

Whilst in the UK, however, he was charm personified. Attentive, loving, kind, romantic, considerate....

She kept asking him why he was treating her so badly, and he told her that his family had little respect for someone who regarded her own culture so lightly, she was willing to drop everything and move out of it, and it's how Moslem families treat their women, so get used to it.

 

You got away lightly.

Because if he's capable of deceiving you in this way, anything is possible.

 

Forget it.

Breathe a sigh of relief and live your life, enjoyably.

 

YOU GOT AWAY LIGHTLY.

[ninjaturtles]

I guess thats the sad part about it... Because I really believed this man loved me. I mean I traveled 400 miles away to be away from him last summer and had no contact, out of the blue he calls me again and starts us back up! I did finally talk to him 4 days ago and he sounded sad and broken, he told me that I would never understand the pressure his family put on him, and there is nothing he could do about it now and someday I would find love again. I feel like he was never honest though, our whole relationship was a sham! I MEAN THE GUY DOES EVERYTHING THAT A MUSLIMS NOT SUPPOSE TO DO, drinking, eating pork, not praying... I thought he was americanized! I also believe that he may have been married before we got together. He was with another American girl back in college , and something tells that it was the same scenario with them. I found a photo album soon after we got together, when I opened it up i seen the colors of Muslim wedding and a man and women, he immediately took the book from me and through it in the lake. He told me he was engaged before and that was it, I think the guy was married! He never mentioned much about the girl he dated in college except that she moved out of state to finish her education... I really have given our relationship and all of his actions a lot of thought over the last few days and I believe this is not the first time he has done this. I can't imagine ever treating anyone like this or playing with their heart! I am mad, sad, and so frustrated! He had the nerve to ask me if he could still call me... I mean for what, to keep pouring salt on the wound! I would have done anything to be with him, i loved him that much, and have since I was 14! I guess my love just didn't matter!

 

All my muslim friends, ALL of them drink, party and have sex. They indulge in these activities, albeit unknown to their parents and family members. Marriage is quite a different issue. I live in the UK, and as 'westernised as my musim friends seem to be', I know the majoity of them would be getting married to muslim men and women. My point being that these muslim friends of mine do date christians and non-muslim people. However, they will marry within the islamic clan.....and you need to understand THIS HAS NOTHING to do with his feelings for you. Nothing at all. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also I would advise against marrying a muslim man, without getting to know everything about his culture. Have you been to a moslem wedding? Have you read the quaran? Can you envisage yourself leaving in a muslim country, covering your hair etc.? Even if you had married him, he may have married a second wife (muslims are allowed to marry five wives). Or even a third or fourth. Your marriage to him would probably not have lasted! I know you really miss him, but you need to consider the practicalities. As westernised as my musli friends may be, I know I am not willing to change my entire life because of a man (who may well divorce me after discovering the blatant incompatibilities). I am so sorry for your pain. Keep posting.