LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Ok I accidentally posted this in an inappropriate forum and don't know how to move it so I'll just repost here. I met a guy online over four months ago. Our schedules have kept us so busy (we both have kids) that we only got to see each other once a week for a few hours at a time. Regardless, he made it very obvious that he was interested. Lately though, he doesn't send emails anymore and yesterday was the third time where he said he'd call at a certain time/date and didn't. The first time "incident" he called me ASAP the next morning and apologized saying he fell asleep watching a movie. The second time he got an eviction notice from his landlord that same night and was too flustered to call. And well this time? Haven't heard from him in two days since he said he'd call. Granted all of these incidents were just calls to "chat" and "catch up" but they are important to me since we hardly see each other. Not only that but I'm beginning to take it as a huge lack of respect. Any insights?
lostiinlove Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Sounds like the same situation I am in right now with my boyfriend. Guys are such jerks sometimes and dont use their brain. Have you tried calling him instead?
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 No I get too prideful. Plus I feel like then I'm excusing his behavior.
AlektraClementine Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Eh. I don't like the sound of it. "fell asleep watching a movie" is code for "fell asleep in someone's vagina why watching a movie at her house". Sorry. I just think dudes have GOT to come up with something better than the "fell asleep" lie. Also, do you really want to be dating someone who's being evicted from their home? And he has a child? If he doesn't call when he says he will. And it's becoming habitual. Get rid of him. I could be wrong. Let me know in 6 months.
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 As for the eviction he lives with his brother whom quite bluntly is a slob and wasn't paying his half of the rent while saying he was. They got a warning a month ago and his brother swore he paid it. THEN he still didn't. His brother has no job, no car, drinks way too much and is depressed. I wouldn't put it past him and I know my bf plays the hero role with him too. I know that my bf is up to date on his bills bc he's watching his credit and working a full time job and part time to pay off his college expenses. The only thing in question here is "He just not that into me??" I don't believe he's cheating. Between his full time job, part time job, two night classes and son, he'd have to be fricken Houdini to pull it off.
sid3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Yeah not calling when they say they will is crappy behavior. hey sometimes things come up or whatever,but when it gets to be more common it's a sign of low interest. Disrespect too IMO. What's worse is the silient treatment. According to some sources, it's considered to be the cruelest form of emotional abuse.
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I agree sid. I always say "If you want to drive me crazy, make me wait." The fact that him contacting me has tapered off is even more insulting than if he'd been aloof the whole time. So what should I do now? One thing I know is its definitely on him to make the call, not me. I have played the doormat role before and will not do it again. Too much respect for myself for that. So when he calls in a couple days, or a week from now--which he inevitably will--what should I do?
sid3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 well since your too prideful to call, and feel that it would be excusing his behavior, you basically have chosen to wait for him. That being the case, as what you should do, I haven't a clue. You could give him an earful about not calling for so long, or you could act like your happy to hear from him. Either way if he's lessening the amount of contact he's making there could be several reason. Some bad, some not so bad. While I cannot speak for all guys, I know after a few months pass I expect my girl to make an equal effort when it comes to calling.
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Sid I hear ya about the equal effort thing but thats not what this is about for me. I DO make equal effort (when I'm not being disrespected of course). He SAID he would call two days ago and still no word, no explanation, no I'm sorry. THAT's what this is about now. I am being "prideful" because he disrespected me three times.
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I am curious about your "some bad, some not so bad." What, in your experience could those some things be?
sid3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Gotcha. I forgot about the fact which you stated in the thread's title. Yes in this case your right IMO. I wouldn't be calling either. people should do what they say they're going to do. Maybe there is some crisis happening in his life right now, but the chances of something that could prevent him from making a quick call are slim to none. Can't offer much advice as far as why he didn't call or what to do when/if he does.
oceangrl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 So what should I do now? One thing I know is its definitely on him to make the call, not me. I have played the doormat role before and will not do it again. Too much respect for myself for that. So when he calls in a couple days, or a week from now--which he inevitably will--what should I do? Monkey see monkey do, let him go to voicemail, and make him wait to hear back from you unless he leaves a valid excuse in the voicemail.
westrock Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 So when he calls in a couple days, or a week from now--which he inevitably will--what should I do? I think you are at a turning point in your relationship. It sounds like your abandonment issues that you've referred to in one of your previous threads that I responded to are coming to the forefront. I'm not saying that his behavior is excused, but you have the perfect opportunity to speak up so he knows what you are feeling and what you need. What should you do? I suggest that you approach the situation in this way: when he inevitably contacts you, talk with him and be all happy that he is getting back in touch with you. Don't pressure him to explain himself for not calling you. Some people will think that this will give him the impression that you are okay with the way he acting. I disagree. However, you're at the point where you need to have a calm talk with him to communicate to him what makes you happy and what triggers your abandonment issues that leads to your unhappiness with him. He just needs to know that when he says that he will call and he does not, it triggers your abandonment issues and makes you unhappy and unloved. Acknowlege that you know stuff happens, we all get busy and so on, and let him know that when these things happen to him, he has your permission to just call you even if just to say that he's busy or too tired to talk and you will respect him and won't get mad at him or keep him on the line for more than a minute at those times. He'll appreciate your understanding and make it up at the first opportunity. Hopefully that will satisfy your abandonment issues and also relieve pressure that he may be feeling with all the stuff happening in his life. I admit that having this conversation is easier said than done, but now is your opportuntiy to have this conversation.
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Wow first of all let me start off by saying that was a really thoughtful post West. Seems like you really know a bit about my history. You're dead on that this is triggering my abandonment issues. He's not a bad guy, I know that. We've even joked that the "universe is against us" because of our opposing schedules, etc. We both work full time...I watch my 8 month old from the minute I get home til she hits the crib. And he is working full time, part time and taking night classes two nights a week. It's nuts. I've passive agressivly stated my annoyance with our lack of seeing each other. To be honest all these "hints" I've dropped leave a grimace on his face...I can see it. He keeps saying "Theres nothing we can do about our schedules." So yeah, he probably DOES feel I'm adding pressure to an already overloaded situation. BUT, and this is a big but, I don't know if I can just act all cheery when he calls. I'm not saying this to discredit your advice...I appreciate everything you've said here. It's just....a big pill to swallow. Here I am, being disrespected, and I'M supposed to explain MYself? If I do lay it all out there with my abandonment issues, where's the guaranty that he won't see this as doormat behavior? Won't he be saying, "See she's the one with the problem, not me."
westrock Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I'm glad I can help. Here I am, being disrespected, and I'M supposed to explain MYself?Yes, you have to explain yourself. You may not like that answer, but a relationship is about communication and his behavior does not exempt you from having to express your needs. where's the guaranty that he won't see this as doormat behavior? Won't he be saying, "See she's the one with the problem, not me." What I am about to say may sound critical, but it is not intended to be so. It's a reasonable request to want a guaranty that he won't be saying "See she's the one with the problem, not me.". What I want you to realize is that eventhough you know that he's not a bad guy, and your schedules are nuts, etc, internally and through your passive aggressive "hints" you are expressing to him the exact same judgment that you are worrying he will make about you. You are in effect saying to him and to us here "See he's the one with the problem, not me". When you are able to say "he has a problem with his behavior, and I admit I have a problem too in not expressing my needs" then it won't be such a big pill to swallow and you will have your "guaranty" that he won't consider you laying it all out there as doormat behavior. Finally, sometimes it's easy to feel the universe is against us. I actually now think the opposite.. just maybe the universe has created this situation to help bring the two of you closer together. But you have to do your part.
Lisa0011 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 The information you have provided is really useful and great. Lisa11 Online Dating
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 You are in effect saying to him and to us here "See he's the one with the problem, not me". When you are able to say "he has a problem with his behavior, and I admit I have a problem too in not expressing my needs" then it won't be such a big pill to swallow and you will have your "guaranty" that he won't consider you laying it all out there as doormat behavior. I guess I really am trying to prove something here aren't I? Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I agree, we both need to work on things if this relationship is to have a standing chance. I need to open up more and he needs to be a man of his word. Now the only trouble is, after sleeping on it all night, I'm beginning to consider the real possibility that he will never call again. In which case I'll take that as him being unable to express his needs as well and assume we're broken up. I don't know. This is such a strange way to leave things. Four months of dating and what if he really did just decide to stop calling altogether?
sid3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Yep, that's a real possibility. Sounds like your gut feelings are that it's over or close to it. Your probably right. I'm in the same boat, or should I say sinking ship. Although I'm already treading water. The ship has gone down. Not calling was all it took. I think in the early stages of dating, this is when you start to see the real person. Everything is bliss ie; the honey moon, then someone doesn't call, or calls less. Suddenly I can hear that famous olympic phrase in my head, "let the games begin" We all make mistakes, better put sometimes we **** up. The word test is often used to describe how girls make choices(or try to manipulate) about a certain guy and how he responds, but it's better used when you consider how the actual interest between two people is tested after the newness wears off. Many and maybe even most relationships don't last because they don't pass these tests. Not sure that's going to make you feel any better about your situation. Maybe knowing other people are dealing with the same cr*p helps, IDK.
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I do like Westrocks advice, as I'm usually a believer in positive actions and thinking. But I also am a believer that permanence does not exist, life is ever changing and I have to come to terms with the fact he may never call again. How crappy. I'm beginning to think our most recent conversation on Monday is to blame for him not calling. I actually DID express my needs with him and this is how it played out: I told him I hate how our plans are always "up in the air" and not solidified. I wanted to know if we were going to hang out this Wednesday night, he said he didn't know if he'd have his son or not. I explained that I'm not the type of girl to wait around on a maybe so I'd like to know now. His response was "If you need to know now then I'm just going to say, yes I'm having my son over that night. Does that make you happy?" He further went on to say that "You know and its not like I wouldnt hang out with you today either its just I have to go apartment hunting with my buddy." It's like he was getting defensive about his schedule. I got the impression he felt like I was challenging him or something (which I wasn't) and trying to invade his space (which I was not). Before we hung up he said, "Well I'll still call you on Wednesday afternoon and let you know." Two days later and still nothing.
Matteo Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Why do people get so hung up when people don't call when they say they will in relationships? Just act like it doesn't bother you and fin a different hobby to consume our time. I never called my girlfriend when i said I would. Usually just because I didn't think about it or had something else to do.
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Ummm Mateo, I mean this with all due respect, you may not desire a mature relationship but I do. It's about integrity. If a man says he will call, he should call. If he forgets once, ok it happens. Twice, it annoys me. Three times I see indifference and disrespect.
westrock Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Give him some time to think this through. Remember, you have the luxury of getting insight here, but he doesn't. I'm pretty confident he will eventually want to call his Loviedove, so you need to be ready. But if he doesn't call you this weekend then reach out to him next week to have that discussion.
Author LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Hmm I do enjoy the fact that you're not taking the typical LS approach and saying "Dump the mofo already!" Haha. I am going on vacation for a week starting next Tuesday so we'll see how full my mailbox is when I get back.
Matteo Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Ummm Mateo, I mean this with all due respect, you may not desire a mature relationship but I do. It's about integrity. If a man says he will call, he should call. If he forgets once, ok it happens. Twice, it annoys me. Three times I see indifference and disrespect. I'm divorced. So I'm not sure how old you are but this is the same stuff my ex wife pulled. I'm sure your relationship will turn out differently though. BTW, I dumped her.
Shygirl15 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I'm also in a situation where I'm forced to see my BF once a week, due to more or less same complications, so I understand how important it is to keep communication alive at least once a day. You two can make it work, if you want to. I think you need to hold a second round of discussion and very calmly express to him how much this attitude bothers you. Tell him clearly what you would like him to do; that he should call when he says he'll call. Because when he says so, you sit waiting for his call. Therefore it's dissapointing when he doesn't call. And sometimes when he doesn't call, why don't you just call him?
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