fishtaco Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Pheonix11, sounds like you see nothing wrong with the way you prioritize things. That's fine, we are all allowed to run our relationships anyway we want. But now you know, your ex and his daughter will always take priority over whoever you're dating, that's your relationship rule, and you're not going to change that. He's gone. No surprise there since most people in this thread, men or women, including myself, will not stay in a relationship like this. But since your BF has always been less important than your ex and his daughter, shouldn't be much of a loss to you anyway. You'll get over it easy enough. Moving on, I suggest one of the following for future relationships: 1) Honesty upfront - when you date people, once the relationship is moving toward exclusive (but not quite), you tell them they will never enjoy as much rights as your ex and his daughter (in nicer words). Sure, most of them will bail. But there are doormats out there that will stick around anyway. You just have to find the right doormat. When one likes to punch and one likes to get punched, I call that a match. 2) Use deception - get a BF, don't tell him about this. However, depending on how good you are at deception, sooner or later he's going to find out and bail. Then you go get another one. Unfortunately karma doesn't work. I wish it did. So the only thing you have to answer to is your own conscience. If you don't feel guilt, then have a good time. It's every (wo)man's own responsibility not to be deceived. We're all adults. No hand holding necessary. 3) Stay casual - Don't get into an exclusive relationship. Just date a bunch of guys casually. Then this will never even become an issue. I recommend 3), and I recommend against 2), but I think they are all equally work-able options. You've made your choice, ex and his daughter are #1. Business or whatever, the reason makes no difference, this is the way it has to be. You can't have the cake and eat it too.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 oh.... and how old is the daughter? what 17-18...... why can't just the two of you hang out- with the dog....... the exBF needs not be in the picture- and i bet that would have sat fine with your BF
BCCA Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I'm not trying to be rude, but I call flat out BS. I think your ex dumped you, and left his stuff over there so he could come and go as he pleases. He probably guilt trips you by bringing the daughter and her puppy over, because even if you can turn him away, it would be hard to turn him, the daughter and the dog away. If you were really 100% over him and the relationship, his stuff would be gone and he would never stop by unannounced. Now, instead of realizing how nonsensical it is to expect your current bf to be ok with not being allowed over because your ex might be there (or any time he wants), the fact that you lied to him for a year, and the fact that you are putting him in a DISTANT 2nd to your ex, you want to say that you should have just lied? You did, you were dishonest for almost a year. At that point, can you really expect him NOT to be pissed? If I was your bf, this is what I wouldve thought: You'll let him know if/when you have time for him, but in the meantime, dont expect to call and show up without prior authorization, because youre blocking that time out for an ex (which I would not buy for 1 second you were over). You want to call all the shots, and juggle two relationships because youre trying to have your cake and eat it, too. Its not realistic to expect someone to be ok with your #1 priority in life being your ex, who still has stuff at your place, and with whom youre just as intertwined with as you were a year ago. Since you met the new guy, youve done what to eliminate this situation with your ex? Next to nothing, expecting everything to happen around you without any effort on your part. I would be livid, and wouldnt speak with you again, either. If you really have a hard time understanding this, I really dont know what to say.
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Let's put the shoe on the other foot. Say your b/f was still in close contact with his most recent ex-g/f. He won't introduce you and has problems making time for you. His explanation is that his ex-g/f needs a lot of his time. Would you honestly be okay with that? Sometimes, people won't look at things from the other's position until they have to.
Trialbyfire Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Sometimes' date=' people won't look at things from the other's position until they have to.[/quote'] But that's just it. She has acknowledged that this wouldn't be acceptable to her. Her belief is that she shouldn't have been honest, instead, lied to keep her b/f around. It's an unfathomable attitude for me. Honesty is never wasted. If she'd been really honest from Day 1, the onus would have been on her b/f to accept the situation or not. To wait a year before being honest, is disturbing, considering how much investment from him must have been happening. The attitude of "all's fair in love and war" to get personal selfish needs met, defeats me.
pandagirl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 The attitude of "all's fair in love and war" to get personal selfish needs met, defeats me. I completely feel the same way.
Still Trying Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I understand what I shared with him was not good news, but putting it out there showed my concern for him. I went on to tell him how I felt about him and how I hoped we could work thru this. This is not a permanent situation, and definately not one I would consider a deal breaker. I think it'd be a deal breaker for any sane male on this planet. We're not talking about the first month or so, we're talking about a year. I'd walk and never look back, I hope he's smart enough to do this. Maybe I'm misunderstanding but you're putting way too much importance on your past relationship - you obviously need your ex around more than your "current" bf. Not healthy. No, no one needs to be completely forthcoming, I mean there's no reason for an absolute truth when it's only going to hurt the other person - but not coming clean about something of this magnitude is just straight up lying. Cut it any way you want. You have some deep rooted issues to work out before you **** with some other guy's head!
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I think it'd be a deal breaker for any sane male on this planet. We're not talking about the first month or so, we're talking about a year. I'd walk and never look back, I hope he's smart enough to do this. Maybe I'm misunderstanding but you're putting way too much importance on your past relationship - you obviously need your ex around more than your "current" bf. Not healthy. No, no one needs to be completely forthcoming, I mean there's no reason for an absolute truth when it's only going to hurt the other person - but not coming clean about something of this magnitude is just straight up lying. Cut it any way you want. You have some deep rooted issues to work out before you **** with some other guy's head! I still maintain honesty is f*cking overrated!!! We were so lovey dovey before and now I see somethings are left better unspoken! I will never talk about a previous bf to a new bf again!!! There are those who keep their ex as friends, but you guys are blasting me because my ex is a business partner who I have alot at risk with. You all are acting like I'm sleeping with him. I'm not! As our relationship progress, we began to disclose more about private things to each other, and I truely did not see this a huge problem. I will adopt the military position "don't ask, don't tell"! But whatever...I guess everyone on this board is in a healthy, happy and long term relationship and knows better.
Still Trying Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I still maintain honesty is f*cking overrated!!! We were so lovey dovey before and now I see somethings are left better unspoken! I will never talk about a previous bf to a new bf again!!! There are those who keep their ex as friends, but you guys are blasting me because my ex is a business partner who I have alot at risk with. You all are acting like I'm sleeping with him. I'm not! As our relationship progress, we began to disclose more about private things to each other, and I truely did not see this a huge problem. I will adopt the military position "don't ask, don't tell"! But whatever...I guess everyone on this board is in a healthy, happy and long term relationship and knows better. Well, your the type of person that I avoid at all costs too. No, none of us are in a perfect relationship, but don't come on here and expect flowers and sunshine when you're describing a relationship based on deception. Just because you're not sleeping with your ex doesn't make it OK. It's clear that this is all lost on you though. I suggest following another user's advice and date men casually. That way there's not as much of a need to be honest which is obviously something you have no interest in. It's not the seeing your ex thing that would bother most people if it was indeed "harmless" it's the fact that you kept this information from him for so long, that's the problem. Get it?
lino Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I can totally understand why he's no longer interested. Who wants all that drama! This has nothing to do with honesty.
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 OP, do you not understand that hiding the fact that you've been seeing your ex, storing his things, ect ect for a year?? You don't seem to find that a problem? You weren't actually honest, because you hid this for so long. Honest would have been being upfront with it in the beginning. :rolleyes:
lino Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You weren't actually honest, because you hid this for so long. Honest would have been being upfront with it in the beginning. :rolleyes: definitely!
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Well, your the type of person that I avoid at all costs too. No, none of us are in a perfect relationship, but don't come on here and expect flowers and sunshine when you're describing a relationship based on deception. Just because you're not sleeping with your ex doesn't make it OK. It's clear that this is all lost on you though. I suggest following another user's advice and date men casually. That way there's not as much of a need to be honest which is obviously something you have no interest in. It's not the seeing your ex thing that would bother most people if it was indeed "harmless" it's the fact that you kept this information from him for so long, that's the problem. Get it? I don't expect flowers and sunshine, but I did expect someone to see that relationships are multi facet and there are many things that need to be navigated through. Maybe I should have said something sooner, that seems to be my only crime here. Furthermore, if I had no interest in being honest, I would have said nothing!
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I don't expect flowers and sunshine, but I did expect someone to see that relationships are multi facet and there are many things that need to be navigated through. Maybe I should have said something sooner, that seems to be my only crime here. Furthermore, if I had no interest in being honest, I would have said nothing! Yet if you had interest in being honest, you would have said something sooner. I wonder why after a year you decide to be honest.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 OP, do you not understand that hiding the fact that you've been seeing your ex, storing his things, ect ect for a year?? You don't seem to find that a problem? You weren't actually honest, because you hid this for so long. Honest would have been being upfront with it in the beginning. :rolleyes: How are you defining "seeing your ex" It's like dating someone from work...you date, you break up, but you still see them everyday. You don't quit your job...do you?
lino Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 How are you defining "seeing your ex" It's like dating someone from work...you date, you break up, but you still see them everyday. You don't quit your job...do you? Not the best example there. Nobody I work with would bump into a partner of mine at my house at 1am
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 How are you defining "seeing your ex" It's like dating someone from work...you date, you break up, but you still see them everyday. You don't quit your job...do you? Your ex comes to your house and random times, without notification, so your actual bf can't even be there unannounced. You store your ex's stuff at your house. You do things with him. This is nothing compared to your example. All you are trying to do is make yourself feel better. Put yourself in your bf's shoes.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Not the best example there. Nobody I work with would bump into a partner of mine at my house at 1am I never said my ex would be at my house at 1am. This all started because my bf called me at 1am, buzzed and wanted to come over. Needless to say, if he came over at 1am I would have expected him to stay over atleast until the next evening. With that in mind, I became worried that my ex may show up during that time unannounced, so hence my confession. Should have just rolled the dice, and let them sort it out I guess;)
Woggle Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Instead of getting mad about this and claiming honesty is overrated take this as a lesson that not all men are going to be lapdogs while you treat them like crap. Not all men will be at your beck and call while you play them. This can be a positive learning experience for you.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Your ex comes to your house and random times, without notification, so your actual bf can't even be there unannounced. You store your ex's stuff at your house. You do things with him. This is nothing compared to your example. All you are trying to do is make yourself feel better. Put yourself in your bf's shoes. What things have I said I do with him?
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Instead of getting mad about this and claiming honesty is overrated take this as a lesson that not all men are going to be lapdogs while you treat them like crap. Not all men will be at your beck and call while you play them. This can be a positive learning experience for you. Yes, positive lesson indeed....too much info is not a good thing!
lino Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 sort what out? If your ex isn't cool with seeing a current partner of yours at your house then it's up to you to tell him 'stiff sh*t.. you don't like it don't come here anymore!' Your current partner shouldn't have to sort anything out, it's your ex not his.
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I never said my ex would be at my house at 1am. This all started because my bf called me at 1am, buzzed and wanted to come over. Needless to say, if he came over at 1am I would have expected him to stay over atleast until the next evening. With that in mind, I became worried that my ex may show up during that time unannounced, so hence my confession. Should have just rolled the dice, and let them sort it out I guess;) Wow, that's even more mature I What things have I said I do with him? Just after the new year, he calls me up in a drunken stuper and wants to come over or wants me to visit him at 1:00 am. He was persistent. Well, not a good idea because I am planner and (cough cough) my life is complicated. After about a 15-20 min discussion, we say our goodnites and hang up. Next day at about 11:00 he calls. I knew he wanted to pick up where we left off the nite before, so I decide to tell him why implusive visits are not a good idea. I explain to him that I still have contact with my ex and his daughter (which he knew about to a certain degree) as we use to live together. My ex still has things at my home that yeah he uses as an excuse to just stop over unannounced to pick something up. The daughter and I are very close as I have a puppy and she works at a vet's office and has adopted my puppy as her baby. Establishing boundaries are a work in progress. If it's no big deal that your ex stops by, and you don't spend time with him, then you never would have hid this from you bf in the first place. I don't doubt for a second that you do things with your ex. If you were over him, and your bf was more important, his stuff wouldn't be there, boundaries would be set, and this wouldn't be an issue.
silvergirl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Honesty is always the best policy. Once your b/f or g/f find out you've lied, they will find it hard to trust you. No matter how small the lie, they will constantly be thinking....well if they lied about that..........................
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Yes, positive lesson indeed....too much info is not a good thing! Ummm No... Hiding the fact that your ex is still in your life, and not being upfront about matters like this is not a good thing. I get the feeling you are kind of self absorbed. You still have not attempted to put yourself in your bf's shoes. You are only worried about justifying your actions. You have learned nothing, and I am sad to say that you wont learn anything.
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