Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 While I understand what you're saying and this is your call to make, your b/f feelings should come first. If anyone should be shuffled, it's your ex. It's unfair to your b/f to ask him to take a back seat to your ex. Are you certain you're over your ex? I am definately over my ex!!!!!!! I just don't want to set him off. The way I see it, it's one thing to be heartbroken, and it's another thing to be heartbroken and broke. It's a balancing act that will resolve it's in time.
Trialbyfire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 It's a balancing act that will resolve it's in time. But you've done this at the expense of your b/fs feelings. Do you feel that's fair?
You'reasian Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 This is ridiculous. Honesty isn't the problem. The problem is retaining ties with your ex. I agree with this. Sounds like she is trying to juggle two relationships, which always gets someone hurt. OP - honesty is not overrated. You will shed alot of potential mates by being honest, but the one that sticks with you will be so worth it. You juggled and one of the balls dropped, now its not as cool I suppose.
sid3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Honesty is so not the problem here. The lack of from the start is the source of your current problem. Sometimes the truth hurts. But never as bad as it's opposite.I've recently been schooled by a less than honest woman. And it does hurt, partly due to the lack of respect, and partly due to the fact that I was too blind to see it. I agree, I think your bf's feelings should come before the ex. Once doubt and mistrust enter the relationship, it is very difficult to get rid of them. Hope things manage to work out for you.
Trialbyfire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Let's put the shoe on the other foot. Say your b/f was still in close contact with his most recent ex-g/f. He won't introduce you and has problems making time for you. His explanation is that his ex-g/f needs a lot of his time. Would you honestly be okay with that?
sid3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Good point T. Well OP, you can expect your bf to pull away. At least that's what I think most guys would do in this situation. More than likely he'll give you an ultimatum at some point. Pride and ego being the main motivators. Some guys could care less about an ex still being a part of their gf's life. That's usually when they know about it from the start. I agree with the other poster who sugested your bf has been blindsided by this.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Let's put the shoe on the other foot. Say your b/f was still in close contact with his most recent ex-g/f. He won't introduce you and has problems making time for you. His explanation is that his ex-g/f needs a lot of his time. Would you honestly be okay with that? I wouldn't be ok with it and I certainly didn't expect him to be ok with it...just didn't expect him to completely bail. Hence my point...why tell, why be honest. Things were fine until I came forth.
You'reasian Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Good point T. Well OP, you can expect your bf to pull away. At least that's what I think most guys would do in this situation. . You are correct.
Ramrod Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I've been dating my BF for over a year now. We have had a bumpy ride, but lately things were going really well. Since Sept. we both wanted to spend more time together and made every attempt to do so as we both have busy schedules. Just after the new year, he calls me up in a drunken stuper and wants to come over or wants me to visit him at 1:00 am. He was persistent. Well, not a good idea because I am planner and (cough cough) my life is complicated. After about a 15-20 min discussion, we say our goodnites and hang up. Next day at about 11:00 he calls. I knew he wanted to pick up where we left off the nite before, so I decide to tell him why implusive visits are not a good idea. I explain to him that I still have contact with my ex and his daughter (which he knew about to a certain degree) as we use to live together. My ex still has things at my home that yeah he uses as an excuse to just stop over unannounced to pick something up. The daughter and I are very close as I have a puppy and she works at a vet's office and has adopted my puppy as her baby. Establishing boundaries are a work in progress. Anyway, that's what I came clean about (as lame as it may seem). What I did not expect was the firestorm that ensued. He shot back at me that he:Feels ****ty.Now has a trust issue with me.Doesn't want anything to do with me for awhile.Needs time.That was 4 weeks ago and we have not spoken since. I was blind sided by his reaction as I thought we were growing closer together and openness would be welcomed (be it good or bad). My confession (to me) did not warrant such an angry response. Don't know what to make of all of this. Don't know if "awhile" really means for a period of time or for good. I should just have LIED about the reason for no visit:mad: I'm on my way to read the other posts and any follow-ups you've written, but if your going to party with your ex on NYE with or without your daughter, your BF is going to feel screwed whether you tell him in advance or not. Open direct and honest communication ARE the only way to "talk" in a relationship, otherwise what you have is BS and that goes for the RLSP too.
Ramrod Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I wouldn't be ok with it and I certainly didn't expect him to be ok with it...just didn't expect him to completely bail. Hence my point...why tell, why be honest. Things were fine until I came forth. He bailed because life is short. For all he knows your two-timing him with your ex. He's been playing second fiddle for a year. A few months prior to him writing you off, you both agree to spend more time together but you qualify it, in the first day of a new year with "My ex might be here"> I hope you didn't set his pursuit of happiness back to far. Don't wait by the phone. He ain't calling you no more.
alphamale Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I should just have LIED about the reason for no visit:mad: most people may SAY they want honesty but when the dust settles they really don't want it. i doubt that an obese person weighing 450lbs wants to hear they look terrible, they already know it. what they WANT to hear is how they look so great
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Good point T. Well OP, you can expect your bf to pull away. At least that's what I think most guys would do in this situation. More than likely he'll give you an ultimatum at some point. Pride and ego being the main motivators. Some guys could care less about an ex still being a part of their gf's life. That's usually when they know about it from the start. I agree with the other poster who sugested your bf has been blindsided by this. Soon to be a month since our blow up...too long to expect an ultimatum. I guess he has bailed for good.
sid3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I missed the part about it being a month. Your right, too long for an ultimatum. I'd say he's bailed for good as well. I can't say I blame him. He's got to be feeling betrayed. That's one of the toughest things to get over IMO.
Shygirl15 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I'd say he's bailed for good as well. I can't say I blame him. He's got to be feeling betrayed. That's one of the toughest things to get over IMO. I totally agree.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I missed the part about it being a month. Your right, too long for an ultimatum. I'd say he's bailed for good as well. I can't say I blame him. He's got to be feeling betrayed. That's one of the toughest things to get over IMO. Call me naive, but I fail to see the betrayal. I have a business relationship with my ex. That's it. There is no hanky panky going on there. It's not the time for them to causually meet or bump into each other while at my home.
LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 The problem here lies in the fact that you still think this has more to do about honesty than about you putting your ex first. Whether youre business partners or not, the problem could be solved if you simply said to your ex "I'm seeing someone I really care about and we'd both be more comfortable if you don't stop over unannounced." Your "honesty" and directness should have been saved and aimed towards your ex, not the current bf.
Island Girl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Call me naive, but I fail to see the betrayal. I have a business relationship with my ex. That's it. There is no hanky panky going on there. It's not the time for them to causually meet or bump into each other while at my home. Okay your naive. How would they "casually (sic) meet or bump into each other if it is all business with your ex? He shouldn't be stopping by unannounced and if you say you have company he should stay away. You were seeing your boyfriend (ex) for a year. You still do not think he deserved more consideration and that your ex (the previous ex) should have minimum contact with you -- after all it is just business, right? Whew. At this rate all you're going to have are exes. So good luck with the next ex!
Shygirl15 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 He shouldn't be stopping by unannounced and if you say you have company he should stay away. Oh, no! Of course the ex can. He can come and go as he pleases anytime. He still has his stuff at the house, so why not? The boyfriend is the one who shouldn't make these unannounced visits, really
Trialbyfire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Solid relationships are built on foundations of trust and respect. If you base your relationship on dishonesty, why bother? Okay, so now, he no longer trusts you and realizes that you don't respect him, that you expected that he would take backseat to the needs of your ex or at minimum, you're convenient needs of the moment. He might come back or not. I wouldn't but then, it's easy to say so when you're not the person in the relationship. If he does come back, you'd better have your head and heart in order, to prioritize him like he deserves to be prioritized. Shuffle the ex and don't even consider lying to your b/f whether directly or by omission.
dreamergrl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 The thing that gets me most is that he's been your bf for a year. This makes me sick! A year goes by, and all of a sudden, "oh by the way my ex and his daughter still comes over, has stuff here, and that's why you can't visit, and I can't visit you". To me, you aren't even an honest person, because you've been hiding this for a flipping year. Your bf should be #1. Top priority. The main guy in your life. Catching on? If I were him, I'd dump your butt.
LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Sorry to get off topic but TBF who is that sexy man in your picture?!
MSUE Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 How would you feel if it was the other way around?its been a year since you've had your BF and you still have your ex's stuff in your house ? and he comes visit but doesn't take his stuff already? I'm not saying hey don't talk to ur ex or his daughter but its pretty ridiculous...honestly if I was him i would need space too but space long term unless you agree to get all your ex's stuff out of the house...you are a grown woman and so is your BF and after a year he should be able to pop in as desired wout worrying if the ex will be there...it looks to me as if you wanted to have the best of both worlds and now what! your loss hon you set yourself up for it...
Trialbyfire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 LovieDove, it's Carter Oosterhouse. This is probably the best picture I've ever seen of him. They've caught the most flattering angles/planes of his face and features!
Chocolat Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Call me naive, but I fail to see the betrayal. I have a business relationship with my ex. That's it. There is no hanky panky going on there. You have a business relationship at 1am? Good grief, Phoenix. If you cannot place yourself in your bf's shoes and see how this went down for him then you are seriously lacking in common sense and empathy. You may be over your ex but clearly you are not letting him know the extent to which you've moved on as you want to protect these mutual investments you have and you believe that maintaining your ex's fondness (love?) will enhance that possibility. So you're playing a game of seeming to leave the door open for your ex while minimizing the situation to your bf. After a year -- a YEAR!! -- of dating, you finally clue in your bf to the fact that, if he's not second fiddle, he at a minimum has to be hidden from the ex. And you can't understand why he has chosen to bail?
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