Phoenix11 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I've been dating my BF for over a year now. We have had a bumpy ride, but lately things were going really well. Since Sept. we both wanted to spend more time together and made every attempt to do so as we both have busy schedules. Just after the new year, he calls me up in a drunken stuper and wants to come over or wants me to visit him at 1:00 am. He was persistent. Well, not a good idea because I am planner and (cough cough) my life is complicated. After about a 15-20 min discussion, we say our goodnites and hang up. Next day at about 11:00 he calls. I knew he wanted to pick up where we left off the nite before, so I decide to tell him why implusive visits are not a good idea. I explain to him that I still have contact with my ex and his daughter (which he knew about to a certain degree) as we use to live together. My ex still has things at my home that yeah he uses as an excuse to just stop over unannounced to pick something up. The daughter and I are very close as I have a puppy and she works at a vet's office and has adopted my puppy as her baby. Establishing boundaries are a work in progress. Anyway, that's what I came clean about (as lame as it may seem). What I did not expect was the firestorm that ensued. He shot back at me that he: Feels ****ty.Now has a trust issue with me.Doesn't want anything to do with me for awhile.Needs time.That was 4 weeks ago and we have not spoken since. I was blind sided by his reaction as I thought we were growing closer together and openness would be welcomed (be it good or bad). My confession (to me) did not warrant such an angry response. Don't know what to make of all of this. Don't know if "awhile" really means for a period of time or for good. I should just have LIED about the reason for no visit:mad:
laRubiaBonita Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 you still have not really stated why, exactly, you did not want to go see him. was the ex or his daughter supposed to come over and you did not want to miss them? i am not understanding...... and if i was him and you told me all that your ex and his child still mean to you, and the fact that you will not make him take his stuff from your house- so he has no reason to drop by...... i would feel like nothing special too. it seems you are "planning" your life around your ex, and your BF is just a fun side item. add all that with this information just coming out, after a year.... i would be pretty pissed. honesty is awesome, but half truths.... egh, not so much.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 you still have not really stated why, exactly, you did not want to go see him. was the ex or his daughter supposed to come over and you did not want to miss them? i am not understanding...... and if i was him and you told me all that your ex and his child still mean to you, and the fact that you will not make him take his stuff from your house- so he has no reason to drop by...... i would feel like nothing special too. it seems you are "planning" your life around your ex, and your BF is just a fun side item. add all that with this information just coming out, after a year.... i would be pretty pissed. honesty is awesome, but half truths.... egh, not so much. The reason I did not want to go see him was because it was 1:00 in the morning when he called. He woke me out of a sound sleep, he was buzzed and we live 1.5 hours away from each other. I did not want him to come over for the same reasons just stated, but furthermore I wanted him to understand why implusive visits were not a good idea at this time. I tried to explain to him as we continue on the path we were currently on that would change.
tanbark813 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 This is ridiculous. Honesty isn't the problem. The problem is retaining ties with your ex.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 i get the early morning thing, but turn the tables..... put yourself in his shoes and he is telling you what you told him. would that make you feel like you were special? would you be ok with him allowing his ex to come over to his house- 1.5 hours away- whenever, and you aren't "allowed". and the fact that he only alluded to this ex contact for the last year. i know i would feel totally hurt, lied to, and i would question my trust in you.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 i get the early morning thing, but turn the tables..... put yourself in his shoes and he is telling you what you told him. would that make you feel like you were special? would you be ok with him allowing his ex to come over to his house- 1.5 hours away- whenever, and you aren't "allowed". and the fact that he only alluded to this ex contact for the last year. i know i would feel totally hurt, lied to, and i would question my trust in you. I understand what I shared with him was not good news, but putting it out there showed my concern for him. I went on to tell him how I felt about him and how I hoped we could work thru this. This is not a permanent situation, and definately not one I would consider a deal breaker.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 No problem, You said: "impulsive visits were not a good idea at this time." He said: "Any visits are not a good idea at this time" Well, you got what you asked for. Or pretty damn close to it. And what is your response? You should have lied? I guess it sounded to him like "You're just not that into him". Because apparently you don't have an issue with your ex making "impulsive visits'. You just have a problem with your bf making "impulsive visits". Does this sound accurate to you? Congratulations Ms. planner (cough cough), It looks like your life has just become less "complicated". No need to lie. He was a hassle anyway. Always wanting to see you or be with you. Look at the bright side. You now have even more time to plan.
fishtaco Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 So why didn't you just tell him it was because it was late, you were asleep, and you live really far away from each other? But instead you drag out that whole thing with your ex? I always maintain contact with my ex's, the sane ones. But my current girlfriend always take priority. You made it sound like your ex has the say first, then if you have extra time left over, then your BF can use it. And your ex can show up unannounced, but your BF can't. I'd be pissed too. And yeah, honesty is overrated. You want to stay clear of the potential mine fields. Honesty is like a last resort. When you absolutely can't get out of the way, and your only two choices are to lie or to be honest, then ok, make that choice. But this whole thing had nothing to do with your ex. There was no need to bring it up.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 This is not a permanent situation, and definately not one I would consider a deal breaker. well, i have been there, and it did become one.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 So why didn't you just tell him it was because it was late, you were asleep, and you live really far away from each other? But instead you drag out that whole thing with your ex? I always maintain contact with my ex's, the sane ones. But my current girlfriend always take priority. You made it sound like your ex has the say first, then if you have extra time left over, then your BF can use it. And your ex can show up unannounced, but your BF can't. I'd be pissed too. And yeah, honesty is overrated. You want to stay clear of the potential mine fields. Honesty is like a last resort. When you absolutely can't get out of the way, and your only two choices are to lie or to be honest, then ok, make that choice. But this whole thing had nothing to do with your ex. There was no need to bring it up. In our 15-20 min convo @ 1:00am I mentioned to him why I didn't want a late night visit...he had been drinking, too sleepy, too far of a drive. The implusive visits as it relates to the ex has alway been something on my mind that I wanted to share with him in hopes it would further clarify things. You are right...I should have kept it to myself as it had nothing to do with the night in question....why be forthcoming????
fishtaco Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 In our 15-20 min convo @ 1:00am I mentioned to him why I didn't want a late night visit...he had been drinking, too sleepy, too far of a drive. The implusive visits as it relates to the ex has alway been something on my mind that I wanted to share with him in hopes it would further clarify things. You are right...I should have kept it to myself as it had nothing to do with the night in question....why be forthcoming???? But honesty issue aside, if you're current BF is just second fiddle to your ex, which by the way you prioritize things, that's what it looks like, maybe you aren't all that into him anyway. So big deal. He's out. Maybe you should get back with your ex if what's who your prefer. But if this was a misunderstanding and your BF IS more important than your ex, you accidentally gave him the wrong impression, then maybe you should try to clear up the misunderstanding? If I were in your situation, and I do like my current girlfriend better, then I would let my GF visit anytime. I would explain to my GF that come over whenever, but don't be surprised if my ex is there because we have a child together, and I can't possibly detach my ex whether I like it or not. If my ex wants to hang out, I'll let her see me being lovey-dovey with my current GF. She's the ex, if she wants to stick around longer than she needs to, fine, then she has to deal with the fact that I'm doing normal BF/GF things.
tanbark813 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I would explain to my GF that come over whenever, but don't be surprised if my ex is there because we have a child together If I'm reading correctly, the ex's daughter is not the OP's.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 But honesty issue aside, if you're current BF is just second fiddle to your ex, which by the way you prioritize things, that's what it looks like, maybe you aren't all that into him anyway. So big deal. He's out. Maybe you should get back with your ex if what's who your prefer. But if this was a misunderstanding and your BF IS more important than your ex, you accidentally gave him the wrong impression, then maybe you should try to clear up the misunderstanding? If I were in your situation, and I do like my current girlfriend better, then I would let my GF visit anytime. I would explain to my GF that come over whenever, but don't be surprised if my ex is there because we have a child together, and I can't possibly detach my ex whether I like it or not. If my ex wants to hang out, I'll let her see me being lovey-dovey with my current GF. She's the ex, if she wants to stick around longer than she needs to, fine, then she has to deal with the fact that I'm doing normal BF/GF things. Yes, this was a big misunderstanding, but how can I attempt to clear it up if he won't accept my calls, return my voice messages, or reply to my texts. He saids he needs time, so I'm respecting his wishes.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Yes, this was a big misunderstanding, but how can I attempt to clear it up if he won't accept my calls, return my voice messages, or reply to my texts. He saids he needs time, so I'm respecting his wishes. maybe you just are not good at telling the whole stories all the way through the first time.
fishtaco Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 If I'm reading correctly, the ex's daughter is not the OP's. Oh... you're right, then that's even more of a reason for her BF to get mad. Either way, Phoenix11, issue here is you made your BF feel like he's less important than your ex. That's what your action said. You can say your BF is important all day, but when it comes time to choose, the ex + daughter get priority. Anyone with a brain and a shred of self-worth would bail. Anyway, there's nothing you can do if your BF doesn't want to talk. If your BF comes around, apologize, and make changes. If not, then just move on. If you want to get a BF on the side while you do whatever it is your do with your ex + daughter, more power to you, but you probably don't want the BF to find out. I would recommend date someone casually as opposed to actually getting a BF. Then they don't have the right to complain; they're just casual. If you do want a serious BF, while personally I feel it's okay to continue to associate with your ex, your BF better win every single time there's a conflict. You have to make it clear who's #1.
Mahatma Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 It took you a year to come clean, of course he was blindsided by it. You need to break the ties with the ex. It is not a thing that needs time. It can be done instantly. Do it.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Him: "Why can't I come over at 1:00 a.m. or any other time I want?" You: "Because my ex might be here." Bad, bad move on your part... keeping ties, that is.
Lizzie60 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I think you're wasting your time with this jerk... never mind him.. move on.. life is too short to waste our precious energy on people who do not deserve the time of day..
Island Girl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I find it very difficult to understand how you could possibly think this has to do with "honesty". This man lives 1.5 hours away. And you just told him that your ex can be there - just dropping by - at any given time. Your boyfriend can't just pop by unannounced but your ex can. Brilliant. He shouldn't have to worry about your spending time with another man let alone someone you have a history with. He is long distance and although trust is important in any relationship it is even more so in a LD relationship. Now he gets to second guess why you would say no to a late night visit. Distance? The time? Or is your ex there and you are playing him? Nice. It is no wonder he is second guessing you and whether or not he wants to be in a relationship where he would be plagued with nagging internal questions. And your ex's daughter has no bearing at all on either situation. If you are friends then you are friends. Your relationship with her father has nothing at all to with the two of you. It sounds like you are trying to make every excuse in the book to make this availability to your ex reasonable to people here or maybe to yourself...I don't know. But it seems like you want to keep your ex in your life so perhaps there is unfinished business there.
Trialbyfire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 My first impression of your opening post would be that your ex might be over at 1:00 a.m. Now I hope that's a misunderstanding. Might I ask why it would be so bad to have the two meet, if your b/f were to come over unannounced? It's not as if you're going to be caught in a clinch with your ex. If everything is as above board as you mention and you want everything to mesh in your life, what would be the problem? The only problems I foresee and correct me if I'm wrong, is if your ex believes he still has some claim to you and would get jealous. I guess your b/f could also get jealous but if you intro them and he gets the proper vibe, I can't see that as being a problem.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Him: "Why can't I come over at 1:00 a.m. or any other time I want?" You: "Because my ex might be here." Bad, bad move on your part... keeping ties, that is. My ex and I remain close because we have some business ties. We own some real estate together as well as serveral vechicles. Cutting the ties can not happen over night and can not happen instantaneously. It will eventually happen, but will have to be handled carefully as to not get burned by shared investments. My BF was aware of my ex's presence, but only recently to the extent. I can't believe he will let a month go by without trying to talk about this.
Author Phoenix11 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 My first impression of your opening post would be that your ex might be over at 1:00 a.m. Now I hope that's a misunderstanding. Might I ask why it would be so bad to have the two meet, if your b/f were to come over unannounced? It's not as if you're going to be caught in a clinch with your ex. If everything is as above board as you mention and you want everything to mesh in your life, what would be the problem? The only problems I foresee and correct me if I'm wrong, is if your ex believes he still has some claim to you and would get jealous. I guess your b/f could also get jealous but if you intro them and he gets the proper vibe, I can't see that as being a problem. The two shall never meet. Neither has the personality to accept or deal with that type of situation. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't want to bear witness to that meeting either. They are polar opposites.
Island Girl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 My ex and I remain close because we have some business ties. We own some real estate together as well as serveral vechicles. Cutting the ties can not happen over night and can not happen instantaneously. It will eventually happen, but will have to be handled carefully as to not get burned by shared investments. Business can be handled during business hours and certainly one would need only limited contact for all of that. Neither one of you wants to get burned and you have a mature enough relationship where you can handle things as adults, correct? I understand your boyfriend's point of view completely. He may not want to deal with the hassles of the distance in the relationship since now you have given him every reason to have insecurities and doubts about you. If I was in the same situation he is and the man told me the same thing you did - I'd be done with him.
Trialbyfire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 The two shall never meet. Neither has the personality to accept or deal with that type of situation. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't want to bear witness to that meeting either. They are polar opposites. While I understand what you're saying and this is your call to make, your b/f feelings should come first. If anyone should be shuffled, it's your ex. It's unfair to your b/f to ask him to take a back seat to your ex. Are you certain you're over your ex?
Island Girl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 The two shall never meet. Neither has the personality to accept or deal with that type of situation. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't want to bear witness to that meeting either. They are polar opposites. That speaks loudly and clearly. No wonder.
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