shadowplay Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 How accurate are the little red flags you get very early on in a relationship, like in the first few weeks of dating? These are things you may choose to ignore at the time but later look like bad omens in retrospect. Is it a good idea to nip a relationship in the bud once these red flags appear, even if they're not too major in isolation? Or is it better to be open-minded and let them pass which might set you up for a bigger let down after you invest? Let's say somebody does something inconsiderate three weeks into dating that suggests they may have trouble communicating or sticking to commitments. Should this be a deal-breaker, or should you wait for more examples to crop up later on? What's your experience?
fishtaco Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 That's hard to say. I've had red flags that turned out to be nothing (misunderstanding even), and red flags that went unheeded and came back and bit me in the ass. And of course success stories where later I was like YES! I knew she was psycho, dodged another bullet there. Plus red flags sometimes come from our own baggage, i.e. we see something and consider that a red flag because we've been hurt before, and somehow made a connection with a certain behavior, regardless if it makes sense or not. I would say red flag = start weighing your options. When to bail, I don't know. Ask your gut feeling I guess.
tanbark813 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I don't think individual initial red flags are very accurate but patterns of them certainly can be.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Say a guy says he will call on Monday. He doesn't call at all and when you text him on Thursday he is very receptive to going out and everything is great. Is this a big red flag?
Trialbyfire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 How accurate are the little red flags you get very early on in a relationship, like in the first few weeks of dating? These are things you may choose to ignore at the time but later look like bad omens in retrospect.The little red flags are very accurate at the beginning because most people are on their best behaviour then. If these red flags crop up so early, imagine how big they really are. Is it a good idea to nip a relationship in the bud once these red flags appear, even if they're not too major in isolation? Or is it better to be open-minded and let them pass which might set you up for a bigger let down after you invest? Nip it, as long as they're RED flags and not just yellow flags of warning. Let's say somebody does something inconsiderate three weeks into dating that suggests they may have trouble communicating or sticking to commitments. Should this be a deal-breaker, or should you wait for more examples to crop up later on?In the situation of communicating and sticking to commitments, I've only had one experience with that and should have stuck to my guns and walked away and stayed away. A red flag for one person, might not be a red flag for someone else. If anything, this trait might be considered attractive or a necessity for someone else. That's why everyone should try to separate needs and wants. This will help a person define where to set their boundaries. If you're setting your boundaries on wants and needs, or wants alone, good luck trying to maintain a viable relationship.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Say a guy says he will call on Monday. He doesn't call at all and when you text him on Thursday he is very receptive to going out and everything is great. Is this a big red flag? If someone says they will do something on a specific date and don't, and then act like they never made that promise at all... ...I won't trust them.
Prodigal Princess Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Say a guy says he will call on Monday. He doesn't call at all and when you text him on Thursday he is very receptive to going out and everything is great. Is this a big red flag? I think in this case the flag is being hoisted. If it happens again the flag is waving.
Author shadowplay Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Say a guy says he will call on Monday. He doesn't call at all and when you text him on Thursday he is very receptive to going out and everything is great. Is this a big red flag? Given my experience with guys like this, yes it's a moderate red flag. Not huge at this point, but definitely keep your guard up. People who can't following through on little things often have trouble keeping larger commitments and being generally sensitive to another person's needs. Doesn't mean they're "bad" per se, but some people are just careless and inconsiderate of others' needs.
Trialbyfire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Say a guy says he will call on Monday. He doesn't call at all and when you text him on Thursday he is very receptive to going out and everything is great. Is this a big red flag? If a guy is really interested, he won't forget to call. You'll be on his mind A LOT!
Lizzie60 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I think red flags are always accurate... I always always listen to my 'little inner voice'... it's always right.
Island Girl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Say a guy says he will call on Monday. He doesn't call at all and when you text him on Thursday he is very receptive to going out and everything is great. Is this a big red flag? If a guy I just met, or went out with a couple of times, says he'll call on Monday and doesn't call I would never text him or call him. If I never heard from him again so be it. His loss. If I have been seeing the guy regularly and the same thing happened I would call the hospitals to find out which one he is in and when he is getting out of his coma. LOL Any guy I've dated who knows me at all knows if you say you are going to do something like that and you don't do it - it's over.
allina Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I always listen to my gut feelings, and I'm always right. Those feelings are there for a reason we should listen to them. An exception would be someone who is overly paranoid, scared or jealous because they'll see thing that aren't there and are over sensitive. However, when you know yourself and know that you have a stable and reasonable mind when it comes to dating, listen to those voices and flags.
johan Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 The only real "red flag" is getting punched in the nose. Everything before that is probably paranoia on your part.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 A girl I work with met a guy over the internet. Anyway they had 3 dates within 2 weeks before they slept together. After the sex guy didn't call my friend for about 3 weeks. She was really freaking out at this point and I advised her to forget about him. She ended up calling him anyway and asked him to hang out. To cut the long story short, it's now 8 months later and they have just moved in together and she is very happy. I think that many times at the early stages of dating before the real feelings develop, people just need to take a more relaxed approach. But if the pattern of certain undesirable behaviour develops then you need to cut your losses..
MindoverMatter Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 It depends on what you view as a red flag. I see some people who have long lists and consider every minor imperfection as a red flag. That's not how I operate. There are some red flags, cheating, abuse, etc, that will never be forgiven and result in immediate break-up. But other things are "yellow flags", things that I might not enjoy in general, but that on their own won't make me break-up with somebody. In those cases the general feeling comes into play, and the other person's redeeming traits. If the little things annoy me very early on then chances are that I won't continue this affair, because the overall feeling would be not pleasant enough. I wouldn't necesarily take it as a testimony of the other person's character.
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