OfftheCuff Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Things have been pretty hellish over the last four months... my wife had an affair with a co-worker that lasted one and a half months long. It was mostly emotional, , physical once.... she stopped, , but then started back up again 2 months later. We should have known better than to keep her there working at that place with that guy... Basically she got back involved with him for another month until I found out, , just about two weeks ago.... this time it was pretty much a full blown affair, , physical and emotional. My wife has a very low self esteem, I think that that attributed alot to her actions, Plus I havent been a very good husband, , I know this for sure, not something I am just thinking or feeling... and he treated her like a queen... I don't really blame her 100% for her going back, , mostly because during the 2 months, , I was in complete shock and pretty much treated her like **** the whole time... Only just before I found out the second time, did I really start to take a hard look at things, , and myself. I started reading alot of the posts on this website, , and started reading "how to survive an affair" which it's advice is priceless. As of now we are both individually seeing therapists, and then also marriage counselling together. Regardless of my wife's actions, , I know she is a good person, , that she let her emotions control her actions... She was so Nieve, , thought that it would never happen to her... she hated people who did that or allowed themsleves to get involved in that situation... So, , I am kind of at a cross roads here. I don't know what to do or why I should do it. I feel like we should work on ourselves right now and that in a month or two, , if things are really looking better on both ends, than we should try to make this marriage/family work, , I feel that we owe it to ourselves, , that I have made alot of mistakes and havent been the best husband... We have two small children as well. Why should I stay, or why should I leave? What are the questions or things I should ask myself, , I want to think about things logically and take my heart out of the picture, , because I can't really think clearly....
Geishawhelk Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 These are all questions you should be addressing with your therapist. Both in Joint MC and individually. It sounds as if you've started working on the relationship, but you don't actually believe its salvageable.... Does she?
wuggle Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Do you still love her ? that I think needs to be your starting point to decide what you want to do. If the answer is yes then it is possible to get over these things, tough, but many do it. If you do want to make a go of it you need to be totally honest with each other, get all the crap out into the open, try as hard as you can not to be too judgemental, try as hard as you can not to get angry and lash out and make things worse, arrange marriage counselling and very importantly get her away from that place of work (if possible sometimes it just isnt). If the answer is no then split, try to do it as amicably as possible and remember that you did love her once and that we all make mistakes. good luck, either way life will be tough for a while. take care.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I always advise going. But you just justified what she did in your entire post (you weren't a "good husband", you can't blame her for running to him, she is a "good person"). So you pretty much answered your own question. Looks like you have an obligation to stay if she was pushed to stray due to her actions. Now do I really believe you should stay? hell no. but you are sure trying to convince yourself that you should and are making excuses for her. So having said that the question is, if I told you compelling reasons to leave, would you even listen?
scared_hope Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 if you are both willing to work on this than STAY AND WORK IT OUT. if not both of you are willing to work, and work hard for the rest of your lives, then its time to move on and just learn from this. let the wounds heal and then jump back in the game. but as i said, if you both want to work on this, then work as hard as you can.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 So you pretty much answered your own question. Looks like you have an obligation to stay if she was pushed to stray due to her actions. correction, due to your actions
Owl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Actually...I think the key "decision point" for you right now is whether or not she's willing to end the affair and give up her job in order for your marriage to succeed. If not...end of the line. Seriously...this has to be a non-negotiable point to even consider reconciliation with her. IF she's willing to do both...then that's your first/next step. She needs to go NC completely...or she needs to end the marriage. Where does that stand?
65tr6 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Do you want to fight for your marriage ? If yes, The affair has to end before you can even start to recover. Have you been to marriagebuilders.com ? Read up on Plan A and Plan B. Go on Plan A right away with plans for Plan B. Stop all Love Busters. Change your behavior. Start spending time with her, communicate with her. Try meeting her needs. She will need to come out of the fog first. That can take upto several months. You need to take charge here. You can do it. Start posting here.
65tr6 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 As of now we are both individually seeing therapists, and then also marriage counselling together. .... Until the A stops, you are wasting your time and money on these.
jwi71 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 That's a tough question OP and one that should be openly discussed in MC with your W and the MC. Like Owl said, your M is OVER if she does NOT quit her job. Non-negotiable. She quits the job or YOU quit the M. You have already seen what happens if she keeps her job - the A continues. Like you, my W was screwing her boss. She quit, had withdrawal symptoms and ultimately I was able to drag us out of that "hell phase". Now, 8 months later, we are in the "rebuilding phase" with all its ups and downs. What helped me/us was her quitting and my telling the world. Tell EVERYONE of the A - I mean everyone (her coworkers, her boss's boss, her clients, her friends, her family, my friends and family...everyone). This really helped US get outside views on our M. It helped pressure her to end it and pressure ME to CHANGE. I am NOT a fan of separation - its all too easy for her to continue the A and its really hard to work on the M when you are NOT together to work on the M. The risk of drifting further apart is too great. Opinions will vary. You are either stay and fight or hire a lawyer and file for D. But talk to her and the MC - be open, candid and honest.
Reggie Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 According to most research, you are bucking the odds if you stay. Typically, people do not get past this. But, it can't hurt to givr it some time. Just reaalize that it is an uphill battle to regain the love and trust. Just does not happen too often.
Geishawhelk Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Whilst I know it's likely, the OP hasn't actually stated that his wife is still AT work with this guy, although he found out about their full-blown affair 2 weeks ago... Until the OP comes back, it's impossible to say exactly whether things at her work have changed or not.... Although as everyone seems to assume, it's possible she's still there..... It would be good if the OP could come back and comment......
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I read your post from your first situation. She is an unrepentent serial cheater. She cheated before you were married and she still cheats. You have no idea if she has cheated with other men. She saw the pain and suffering she put you through. And then when she had an opportunity.....She screwed him again. You say your wife is a good person. And make excuses for her. You are her door mat and she will cheat again and again throughout your marriage. The problem is, she feels entitled to screw anyone she pleases and has as long as you have known her. Dexter was right. You should leave. But I imagine you have not been hurt enough yet. You are a good man she is a tramp. She is not the good person you believe her to be. If she was she would not keep saying: "Ooops. I couldn't keep my panties on and my legs closed, again. Silly me." I hate to see you put yourself through this again and again and again.
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