How would you feel if your SO makes affectionate remarks about an ex..

[Shygirl15]

Would you think of it as a red flag?

 

And I'm talking of remarks such as "s/he is a very kind person/intelligent/friendly/pretty"?

 

Would you think they still have feelings for that person?

[AlektraClementine]

If it's a passing comment with some segue preceding it and it's relevant to the conversation. I wouldn't mind at all. If it's something he goes on an on about... that's another thing.

 

I think it's more of a red flag when you have a guy who trash talks his exes. Much redder flag.

[Geishawhelk]

Unfortunately, I couldn't comment.

there's absolutely nothing "affectionate" my partner could say possibly say about his exes.....

 

But he speaks of other females very flatteringly and affectionately.

 

It bothers me....

 

Not one little bit.

 

I know he's just saying nice stuff about people he thinks are nice.

if he ever acted on it it still wouldn't bother me a little bit.

 

I'd just change the locks, and put his stuff outside. Sorted.

 

But I know that's all complete hypothesis.

 

He will never act on it.

It is completely against every fibre of his being to be unfaithful.

he doesn't have a wandering atom in his body.

[Island Girl]

My husband would never have anything, that would be considered complimentary, to say about his exes.

 

It isn't that he speaks negatively, he just doesn't speak about them at all. Ever.

 

I don't either. I don't find anything relevant to say about my exes either.

[Shygirl15]

I agree. There are very few nice things I can say about my exes, but I don't see the point of mentioning them to my SO, really.

 

However, my boyfriend has referred his soon-to-be xW in such affectionate ways about two times now. And while I do not feel threatened by it, I just don't understand what he's trying to accomplish by making such comments to me? Like what could be going on in his head; does he think I will find it amusing, maybe?

 

And I know some men/women would do the same thing to their SO, but I just don't understand the concept behind it. Could it be they are just insensitive? Or playing mind games to see the reaction, perhaps?

[Trialbyfire]

No, I don't consider it a red flag unless the person is always talking about their ex, negative or positive.

 

If someone speaks affectionately of their ex, it represents the same thing as someone speaking negatively about them. To me it means that if we part ways, this is the same kind of treatment he would be giving me.

[The Collector]

I speak affectionately about almost all my exes, because I chose decent people and aren't bitter about them.

[popey]

I dont see it as a red flag or anything. if the information is a relevant part of a conversation, I'd be fine with it. If it seemed like he was offering it up, when there was no reason for it, or it is a repeated and unnecessary kind of thing; i wouldn't appreciate it.

 

I once had an ex who seemed to do it too much. I think it was about his own insecurities. think it was his way of wanting to show his "worth"... that other "quality" women had wanted him. In that instance I told him that when he did this, it made me feel like he might think of her with higher regard than me. He then assured me that was not the case, and stopped doing it. So I was then fine.

[Shygirl15]

No, I don't consider it a red flag unless the person is always talking about their ex, negative or positive.

Thankfully, TBF, he doesn't talk much about his ex. But when he does, it's always some positive stories. Still makes me wonder.

I once had an ex who seemed to do it too much. I think it was about his own insecurities. think it was his way of wanting to show his "worth"... that other "quality" women had wanted him. In that instance I told him that when he did this, it made me feel like he might think of her with higher regard than me. He then assured me that was not the case, and stopped doing it. So I was then fine.

I hate awkward conversations, but I guess I'll have to bring it up with him. Because that's exactly how I feel when he speaks of this particular lady.

[popey]

I hate awkward conversations, but I guess I'll have to bring it up with him. Because that's exactly how I feel when he speaks of this particular lady.

 

If you are not accusing, and take that approach not that you need to correct a wrong doing on his part, but simply that what he is doing (for whatever reason) is making you feel ....

 

It may feel awkward to you, but the ability to have this type of conversation is very important to a good relationship. Even in great relationships, we're going to hurt eachothers' feelings on occasion. If its unintentional, than we should want to be told about it so together we can do something about it, right? Hope it goes well for you.