onioness Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I am so angry right now i don't know what to do. I am home with my son so I am trying to hold it in and put on a happy face but I don't know what to do. I'll start in the beginning. My dh and i moved back to be closer with our families because we just had a child and he wanted his parents to know him well and he missed them so I agreed. We were supposed get an apartment about two months after moving (we moved in my parents when we came back) but the move was really expensive and my dh said we should pay off debts first, so we've been living with them. We started looking at apartments about a month ago (after 6mo. with my parents) and we found one we really liked that was cheap. We filled out the app. My husband filled it out since I only work part time in the evening and stay home with our son during the day, so he is the primary wage earner. My dh had told that there were some things on his credit score that were hurting because he and his father have the same name (he has a different middle name but the first and last are the same) and some of his father's stuff that was in collections was on his report. You have realize that dh's parents are the most financially irresponsible people I have ever met. They are constantly asking to borrow money and take forever to pay it back. Yesterday his mom was pulled over and my dh and my fil had to bail her out of jail because she has no license and is a horrible driver so she gets tons of tickets that they never pay and she had a warrant out for her arrest. This is just one example. When you first meet tehm they seem like normal nice people and they are good with my son but they just live the laws of society do not apply to them. Anytime I point out how they are so irresponsible my dh just gets mad and says it is because they have no money because my fil is on disability (which is actually quite a bit of money) and my mil keeps getting fired and she only searches for jobs that have to do with working with children and refuses to try anything else because she think's she can't do it. But I'll get back to teh current situation. So, my husbands disputes the charges that are on his account. All are because FIL used his SS to get stuff . Two of the companies erase their charges because the charges are so old I guess they figure tehy won't get anything anyways. One company says they won't erase it and that he needs to file report with the police before they can do that. It was for a cable bill that they just quit paying. So dh and fil go the police to file the report because tehy think all it is signing some papers. When the police explain that this means his father will be arrested and charged with identity theft, ofcourse dh doesn't do it. this is not the first time this has happened. FIL used his ds ss on his taxes for a long which resulted in a huge mess that we will be paying for years to come.He claims that since they have the same name for a long time he was accidentally using his son's ss card because he thought it was his. I really don't buy it but whatever. However this is an account that was opened after my dh and fil started sorting out the thing with the taxes and met with an IRS agent. Apparently, after that FIL was still "confused" about which number was his. Yeah, right. Now we probably aren't going to be able to get that apartment because the landlord is really strict about the credit check. I am afraid we won't get any apartment with credit this bad unless the apartment is really horrible. I have good credit but I can't really apply because my wages are so low since I only work part time. i am so sick of this. FIL just keeps pulling stunts like this and my dh just forgives him and tries to play it off like it's the fault of the big bad credit reporting companies and he and his father are just victims. I swear, it's like he is brainwashed. Everytime we argue he starts spewing all this crap about how his father is his best friend and he is so sick and he only has a little time with him and he won't do anything to hurt him and that his father just makes "honest mistakes" because he is under a lot of stress.None of this gives his father the right to do what he did. Omigod that just makes me fume. I honestly wish he would just die sooner. I know that sounds horrible but he is just such a horrible person. i dunno, it's like he is a con artist or sociopath or something. He comes off as all sweet and giving but them he pulls stuff like this. And it's like he brainwashed his children to just think "father can do no wrong." I dunno what to do anymore. I can't go on being married like this. I can't live with dh knowing that if his father does something like this again, he will jsut forgive him again. Dh just says "well, what do you want me to do, watch my own father being put in jail?" I don't know what to do anymore, I am so depressed. I moved so he could be his stupid parents and now i am stuck living with my parents, which just keeps getting worse every day, and it's a situation I can't get out of unless I put my son in daycare and get a full time job, which I don't want to do. It's not that I don't want a full time job, believe me I do. but I have worked in a few daycare and I know how they are, especially the ones we could afford. I don't think my son should grow in that environment. Please give me some advice. I'm open to criticism, please just tell me what I can do to make things better, I am out of ideas.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I dunno what to do anymore. I can't go on being married like this. I can't live with dh knowing that if his father does something like this again, he will jsut forgive him again. Dh just says "well, what do you want me to do, watch my own father being put in jail?" I don't know what to do anymore, I am so depressed. I moved so he could be his stupid parents and now i am stuck living with my parents, which just keeps getting worse every day, and it's a situation I can't get out of unless I put my son in daycare and get a full time job, which I don't want to do. It's not that I don't want a full time job, believe me I do. but I have worked in a few daycare and I know how they are, especially the ones we could afford. I don't think my son should grow in that environment. Please give me some advice. I'm open to criticism, please just tell me what I can do to make things better, I am out of ideas. Just tough it out for a bit. Yeah it sucks not having an apartment, but there could be worse things. He didnt get to choose his father... and you shouldnt be forcing a wedge between them. Your best bet is to get him to realize that his father is manipulative and abusive... so that he can distance himself from it a bit. Just remember that it's his choice to do that... not yours. You chose to marry into this family.
Stung Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 i'm surprised at the above advice. just tough it out for a little while? the OP is talking about the financial stability of her entire marriage, in which a young child is being raised. her father-in-law is jeopardizing her family's future, not talking too much at a party or giving her kid cookies before dinner. i wish i had better advice for you, OP. it's tough to have to stand between your spouse and his parents, but it sounds necessary, to some extent. i'm not advocating having the father-in-law jailed, or trying to sway your husband into anything drastic: he loves his family, which is as it should be. you can't and shouldn't get in the way of THAT. but i believe you need to find a way to help your husband see that this is serious, and now that he is married, and a father, he is no longer the only one impacted by such behavior. he needs to learn to stand up for himself, set clearer boundaries, and you need to HELP him, not harp at him about how terrible his family is, as he will only resent that. as for concrete advice, the first thing that comes to mind is to have your husband apply for a new social security number. he will have to jump through a few hoops, but if his family doesn't know his new ss# it should severely handicap their ability to take advantage of his identity, right?
lkjh Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Stung, what kind of advice would you consider appropriate? Tell her to disown the fil or start a huge fight? Onioness, This really does suck but it could be worse. It may take some time to clear your H's name but you all will get through this. There are far worse things you could be going through, especially with todays economy. Stay strong for a little bit and any time you get angry just come on here and vent.
Stung Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 why no, lkjh. but you would be aware of that had you read my entire post.
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