bayouboi Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Quick backstory: Wife left me back in March 08, divorce final in December. I've been dating a girl for the past 4 months. She's awesome, smart, sexy, & has a good heart. We've been intimate, but because of her work we only really see each other twice a week. Most days if I don't call or text, she does or vice versa. The thing is, I can't help but feel like she's not as into me as I'm into her... a nagging feeling that she's still looking despite us having the exclusive talk. We haven't said 'I love you' to each other. I think I don't because I don't think it would be reciprocated and I think she doesn't because she's been with alot of men in the past and is probably guarded from that sort of thing. I learned to trust my gut when I felt like my ex-wife was cheating with me and despite all her lying it all eventually came out. Now my gut is telling me that I should break things off with this girl because my heart tells me that if two people really like each other, they should want to spend more time with each other. My brain is confusing everything because it doesn't think it makes sense to break up with someone you really like alot. My other 'brain' is getting ticked off that all my other parts are gonna ruin a good thing :lol:. Does anyone have any similar experiences or insight/advice?
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Quick backstory: Wife left me back in March 08, divorce final in December. I've been dating a girl for the past 4 months. She's awesome, smart, sexy, & has a good heart. We've been intimate, but because of her work we only really see each other twice a week. Most days if I don't call or text, she does or vice versa. The thing is, I can't help but feel like she's not as into me as I'm into her... a nagging feeling that she's still looking despite us having the exclusive talk. We haven't said 'I love you' to each other. I think I don't because I don't think it would be reciprocated and I think she doesn't because she's been with alot of men in the past and is probably guarded from that sort of thing. I learned to trust my gut when I felt like my ex-wife was cheating with me and despite all her lying it all eventually came out. Now my gut is telling me that I should break things off with this girl because my heart tells me that if two people really like each other, they should want to spend more time with each other. My brain is confusing everything because it doesn't think it makes sense to break up with someone you really like alot. My other 'brain' is getting ticked off that all my other parts are gonna ruin a good thing :lol:. Does anyone have any similar experiences or insight/advice? So its a kind of heart vs head scenario? Your heart has certain expectations and your head another. I guess what you have to realise is one persons expectations in a relationship don't neccessarily match the nexts. To one person sex might be a high priority - to another person, in the extreme, sex might not even be a priority at all (asexual). Some prioritise children, some don't. Some are affectionate, some are distant. Some value more time and some less. It is difficult to match expectations. It is all about compromise. As you are still in the early stages of a relationship maybe you should see how it develops.
Author bayouboi Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 So its a kind of heart vs head scenario? Your heart has certain expectations and your head another. I guess what you have to realise is one persons expectations in a relationship don't neccessarily match the nexts. To one person sex might be a high priority - to another person, in the extreme, sex might not even be a priority at all (asexual). Some prioritise children, some don't. Some are affectionate, some are distant. Some value more time and some less. It is difficult to match expectations. It is all about compromise. As you are still in the early stages of a relationship maybe you should see how it develops. So your advice is to be more patient. I think you are right. Sometimes I think it's just karma showing me the other side of the coin. With my ex-wife, she seemed infatuated with me early on and at some point she felt like she was putting more in than I did. Now I feel like I'm experiencing things from that perspective. By no means do I feel needy, but I feel very 'wanty' if that makes any sense lol.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 So your advice is to be more patient. I think you are right. Sometimes I think it's just karma showing me the other side of the coin. With my ex-wife, she seemed infatuated with me early on and at some point she felt like she was putting more in than I did. Now I feel like I'm experiencing things from that perspective. By no means do I feel needy, but I feel very 'wanty' if that makes any sense lol. Definately yes I think we all experience both sides of the power struggle. To be the one in control and with all the power is amazing...until we inevitably misuse it. And then someone else has the power and control over us and through that more submissive experience we then learn how to handle things differently when we get power and control back next time around...or at least hopefully we do. And yes I would say just be patient and see how things develop as it is still early days!
Author bayouboi Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 I'm still working on the being patient thing, but I like coming here to vent so I don't act on my feelings where it counts. We've been seeing and contacting each other less & less compared to how hot and heavy things were at first. I feel like if I keep making the contact efforts, I come off as pathetic and/or needy, so I've just backed off to let her figure out what she wants from me. Her job's been getting more stressful, but I guess I just wish that I could be who she wanted to go to for some stress relief. My job's been getting more stressful, but I don't have anyone to go to for some stress relief. We work at different times of the day, so that often makes things difficult. Plus, she lives with someone, so loneliness isn't anything that likely crosses her mind. Just pouring it out there, but any opinions are always appreciated.
Truly Lost Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I think you need to have a sit down talk about what she is looking for in this relationship. It would be a shame to dedicate a lot of your time and invest your emotions in someone who is not reciprocating. I did that and believe me I was the one who ended up really hurt. My ex thought our relationship was going well, I didn't. We dated for a year and a half. There was never any talk about moving in together. He was previously married and has two kids from that marriage. Well, I've never been married and want at least one kid myself, but there was no hint that I was ever going to get those things from him. I told him about what I wanted a few times, and he always said that he wants those things, but he made no effort to convince me. He was also struggling financially and his job quite often required a lot of his time and had him up so early that our evenings were always cut short. In the end we split. I still love him and still attracted to him, but if I can't get at least partly what I want out of this relationship....then what's the point. You both have to compromise. If you don't, then it really is a loveless relationship.
thegoodlife Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I think truly lost is right that you need to sit down and talk with her about what you both are expecting from this relationship. I think that's very important to understand the dynamics of this relationship as it progresses. She may be truly busy all the time and really not have any more time for you than the 2 nights a week she sees you now. But I know for me personally, although I have a petty hectic schedule with work and school full time, I make time for someone I'm really into. You'll never really know until you speak with her though, since she is the only one who can give you the answers.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I would say be patient also, but not too patient. U have needs also in a relationship and if those aren't being met things aren't going to go well. I was in this sort of situation and he always thought things were FINE and I was like HUH,they were never fine with me. I tried talking to him several times after several months of dating and trust me I ended up with a lot of resentment. So, talk to her and let her know of your expectations and how you feel about her and see what she says.
Author bayouboi Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 I wanted to thank you for the responses and the opportunity to vent my feelings. Quick update is she actually brought up the duration of our dating in a positive way much to my delight. We discusses pros and cons of past relationships but only thought of pros to discuss about our own. I have such a different attraction to her than I did my ex wife. I can feel myself wanting to have a family with this woman, whereas with my ex wife I was content with it just being us two as if I knew all along that she would cheat on me. As for my desire for family I would like to know if this would be considered weird, but when I rub her tummy I have a strong feeling that I want to make it bulge with my child. Again this is mostly venting for me, but responses are always read and appreciated!
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