If you could get away with cheating, would you do it?

[Nikki Sahagin]

yes

 

 

because i'm male

 

You'll need to go a bit more beyond 'because i'm male'. What about 'being a male' makes you want to? What character traits in being a man make you wish to trait? Are they really 'male' traits? Or just 'human' traits? Obviously both men and women cheat. Is it really a 'male' or 'female' thing to cheat or not cheat. I actually don't personally think so...but please explain.

[amaysngrace]

Not that fidelity is necessarily something that we are all capable of, but realistically we should all be able to honor commitments that we make, if only to feel good about ourselves, and if you know that you are unable to do so - why, then, don't bother to make the commitment!

 

Beautifully stated.

[Owl]

I once heard or read (I forgot) that 99.9% of men would cheat, given the opportunity and knowing they would NEVER get caught..

 

I'm convinced that MOST men would (99.9999999%).

 

Those who say they would NEVER cheat, given the opportunity and would NEVER get caught.. are BS'ing.. IMO.

 

Lizzie, as I've said before...I think your viewpoint and 'experience' are biased.

 

Given your "second profession"...I can easily see that you'd MEET a large number of men who are already 'primed' to cheat...and that you would be in your best interests to believe that such a large number of men would be willing to cheat (potentially with you, of course).

 

If you live in a submarine and that was your primary reference point, you'd be convinced that 99% of people lived under water.

[boldjack]

I'm new here, just what is Lizzie's "second profession"?

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm new here, just what is Lizzie's "second profession"?

 

I'm not gonna say anything that gets me a wittle infwacshun.

 

No matter how much truth is there.

[samsungxoxo]

Not really unless it's a total jerk that careless about me and my feelings plus I'm on the way to breaking up anyways, then yea go for it.

 

But if you love then you don't cheat.

[reservoirdog1]

No, I wouldn't. If I'm committed to somebody, I'm committed to them. End of story.

 

I don't have the greatest self-esteem in the world. In fact, in several ways, my self-esteem sucks. But I am proud of the fact that I do not and would not cheat. I'm not a religious or particularly spiritual person, but I do have certain moral standards that govern my life. And cheating is totally contrary to them.

 

Whatever my failings may have been in my former marriage, I, unlike XW, can hold my head high knowing that I was faithful to her to the end. I have it on pretty good authority that her numerous failings in that respect still gnaw at her, five years later. I know that if I DID cheat on somebody, I'd feel horrible and like a hypocrite.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm new here, just what is Lizzie's "second profession"?

I figure that, since their motto is "We'll be there for you", she's with the American Red Cross...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

I agree. But I know there must be some who don't. I think there are many people who WOULD cheat or at least consider it, but few who would admit to that.

 

I agree.

 

And yes, I would. (That should start the flaming of me. )

 

Why? For variety. For sex. For thrill. And because I could.

 

HOWEVER....there is one little thing that would be at the back of my mind...how would this hurt her (my wife)? Even if she doesn't know, what would it do to her?

 

But being honest, yes, I know I could.

 

And for the men who think they wouldn't, then IMO they don't really know themselves. I do think it is awful. I do think it is disgusting when I hear of men who are cheating. But I also know that I am no different. "But for the grace of God, there go I."

 

Knowing that you could IMO helps one prevent a possible situation that could lead to cheating. So many people do not believe that they could and they allow themselves the moment alone with someone. Then they convince themselves that the "friendship" can be kept a friendship. And then suddenly they find that they kissed the other person. And then they find themselves in an affair.

 

Knowing that you could helps you put up boundaries so that you won't.

 

 

Those who say they would NEVER cheat, given the opportunity and would NEVER get caught.. are BS'ing.. IMO.

 

No, I just think they do not know themselves.

 

I don't know about 99.99%, but overall I'm with Lizzie on this one. I think if given the chance and absolute guaranty that they wouldn't be caught, more men would than wouldn't. Just my opinion...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree. So would you?

 

I'm new here, just what is Lizzie's "second profession"?

 

Nothing special. She is a massage therapist.

 

How would that get me an infraction?

[SueBee3490]

HOWEVER....there is one little thing that would be at the back of my mind...how would this hurt her (my wife)? Even if she doesn't know, what would it do to her?

 

This says it all. Even if she didn't know, YOU would know what you did to her. If I cheated on my bf/husband, I may be able to get away with it and him not find out, it might be the most amazing sex, but I have to live with MYSELF and what I did. A one-night with a stranger hardly beats the years I would have left with my spouse, looking into their eyes, and knowing I betrayed them.

 

JMO

[Dexter Morgan]

I figure that, since their motto is "We'll be there for you", she's with the American Red Cross...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

"its just a little bitty pissant country place, nothing much to see......"

 

where have I heard that song before?

[Joyvke]

If given the chance to cheat and no one would know then I would not take it, I would never want to be cheated on myself. I don't think that cheaters deserve to be cheated on either. So yeah, I wouldn't do it ever. Besides if I know someone is "taken" or even remotely "taken" I walk away as well. I don't want to meddle in whatever kind of relation, no matter how much I like that person.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I agree.

 

And yes, I would. (That should start the flaming of me. )

 

Why? For variety. For sex. For thrill. And because I could.

 

HOWEVER....there is one little thing that would be at the back of my mind...how would this hurt her (my wife)? Even if she doesn't know, what would it do to her?

 

But being honest, yes, I know I could.

 

And for the men who think they wouldn't, then IMO they don't really know themselves. I do think it is awful. I do think it is disgusting when I hear of men who are cheating. But I also know that I am no different. "But for the grace of God, there go I."

 

Knowing that you could IMO helps one prevent a possible situation that could lead to cheating. So many people do not believe that they could and they allow themselves the moment alone with someone. Then they convince themselves that the "friendship" can be kept a friendship. And then suddenly they find that they kissed the other person. And then they find themselves in an affair.

 

Knowing that you could helps you put up boundaries so that you won't.

 

 

 

No, I just think they do not know themselves.

 

 

 

I agree. So would you?

 

 

 

Nothing special. She is a massage therapist.

 

How would that get me an infraction?

 

Thanks for the honesty! You are 1 of the few being truthful I think.

[OWoman]

If somehow you could get away with cheating, either a one night stand or a long-standing affair, would you do it?

 

If yes, why?

 

And if no, why?

 

No. If I wanted someone or something else, I'd raise that with my SO. If he was in agreement, I'd go for it. If not, I'd face a choice of which I wanted more. I can't - and am not prepared to - twist myself into a pretzel over something. Lying, faking or pretending doesn't work for me.

[OWoman]

Interesting you mentioned stealing. I definately think that if you aren't the type to cheat, then you aren't the type to steal or to partake in other types of behaviours.

 

I disagree. Morality differs - some may find "cheating" abhorrent, but think nothing about cheating on their income tax returns - which to my mind is a heinous crime. And one of the most vehement "stone anyone who commits adultery" posters on LS admits that he stole when he was younger. So it's not that WSs are evil, and others are angelic - it's simply that different people have different ideas of what constitutes a crime and what constitutes acceptable behaviour.

[OWoman]

I agree.

 

And yes, I would. (That should start the flaming of me. )

 

Why? For variety. For sex. For thrill. And because I could.

 

HOWEVER....there is one little thing that would be at the back of my mind...how would this hurt her (my wife)? Even if she doesn't know, what would it do to her?

 

But being honest, yes, I know I could.

 

James, "would" and "could" are two very different things. Your admission that you could is simply an acknowledgement of that potential in you. Stating that, having recognised that potential, you would then actively choose to act on it, is something else entirely, and contradicts the latter half of your post where you speak of not putting yourself in positions where you might feel vulnerable to that temptation. That suggests - quite strongly - that while you know you COULD, in fact you WOULDN'T.

 

Not because you're an angel or some superhero, but because you're recognising your agency and choosing to act in a way that is more consistent with your values - while acknowledging how easy it would be to choose the other route.

 

I think that's the difference between fearlessness and courage.

[Trialbyfire]

but for those who say they would NEVER.. EVER... never say never.. you never know when it will hit you...

You're 55 years old or so. Have you ever cheated?

[Eve]

No I would not cheat because I cannot imagine anything worse than having two men in my life at the same time.

 

One is more than enough!

 

I think people who have affairs are simply immature/insecure.

 

Regards,

Eve x

[Lizzie60]

You're 55 years old or so. Have you ever cheated?

 

Nope.. I never cheated.. but like I said many times.. I do believe that men cheat a LOOOOTTT more than women..

 

Men cheat for sex and for the thrill .. not women..

[PinkKittyKat]

Absolutely.

 

Even if your partner never found out, YOU still have to live with your actions eventually.

 

Also- why would you want to? If you are in a good healthy stable R, the desire to keep your R that way should by far and away outweigh any desires to cheat.

 

This is key. As a former cheater I can attest to the fact that sometimes the other person will not ever find out.

 

But you will always know.

 

It colours your interactions. Sometimes you can forget, for months at a time, but then your SO will say something, a conversation will bring something up, and something the OW/OM said or did will pop into your head and you'll know you cannot mention it. It's hard to respect someone when you know that you screwed around on them and they can't even tell. I deeply regret the people I've hurt. Two of my exes are still damaged from what I did. Both of them ultimately forgave me, and I still talk a lot with them, one of them is still my closest friend. But it's affected their ability to trust, and has affected one of their gf's to the point where they almost broke up recently. And this all happened YEARS ago for me. It's still affecting them.

 

Because of that I'd NEVER ever cheat again. I don't even put myself in a position to cheat. I stopped going out clubbing alone, stopped flirting with guys on the bus, and basically have removed myself from any situation where even the TEMPTATION might come up. So far, we're 2 years in, and I'd have no wish to cheat without him knowing at all.

 

Overall, it's easy to cheat without getting caught. Easy as pie if you know what you are doing. But it's hard to live with it afterwards.

[Trialbyfire]

Nope.. I never cheated.. but like I said many times.. I do believe that men cheat a LOOOOTTT more than women..

 

Men cheat for sex and for the thrill .. not women..

It's true there are more male cheaters than female. This doesn't mean 99.9% of men will cheat, even when they won't get caught.

 

There are enough men out there who don't even indulge in ONSs or hookers when single and totally free to do whatever they want to. With this in mind, since hookers have an illicit quality to them, why would all men cheat, especially the ones who've had infidelity inflicted on them and despise the action?

[PinkKittyKat]

Men cheat for sex and for the thrill .. not women..

 

No, everyone has their own reasons. When I cheated it was always about the sex, the thrill... the one night stands, the getting what you want... I was never looking for an emotional support/white knight/soulmate. Some women may, but not all.

[Joyvke]

I think some test/ research actually pointed out females cheat a whole lot more then guys

 

Not only guys do it for thrill. Also the "you never know", I will know, as I got morals and will not toss those away, not for anyone. I won't cheat, ever, not if I could get away from it.

[Lizzie60]

Pink.. maybe it was about sex.. I can understand... but nevertheless.. you were 'emotional' about it.. a lot of things/conversation made you think about it.. but ..

 

men can 'compartmentalized' (sp) .. women.. not as much..

 

I don't think that many cheater really think about what they did/are doing.. for a long time.. they might feel guilty for a little while (the few hours following the 'session'.. but the need of the thrill will take over again.. and they will 'forget' about the guilt.. that won't stop them from cheating again and again..

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree. So would you?

You know James, it's not that I wouldn't, it's that I couldn't. I went through too much when my xW cheated and simply feel that I couldn't deal with the guilt and self-doubt.

 

Now, take away my background as a BS, things might be different. Who knows?

 

I'm surprised that some doubt that the majority of people would cheat if guarantied non-discovery. What the percentage of people in relationships that cheat without that promise in place?

 

Mr. Lucky