crostover99 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Recently my wife has filed for a legal seperation, this came as quite a shock to me. However I truly should have expected it. We have been married for 5 years now and have an incredibly fun time together. The reason for this seperation is due to the fact that she has lost all respect and faith in me and will probably never trust me again. I never once was unfaithful to her, but I lied constantly about using drugs and let them rule my life. These actions caused horrible strain on our relationship. I never wanted this to happen but was so blind in my selfishness that I couldn't even see what was happening.....worst yet there are two children envolved. I thought that we may be able to work through this but she has given me numerous chances and endless opportunities. We have been apart for 2 weeks now and she seems to be completely over the whole marriage, I believe this because she has given me back everything. Wedding books and dvds, my first gift to her, our stuff from first date, anniversary cards, and anything that should matter. I am looking for a way to gain her trust back and have no idea how to do this? Drugs have ruled my life for 14 years and I have been completely sober for 5 days now and I can't help but see the irony in the fact that I quit doing what she wanted just a week after she left. I really miss my wife and children and just want her back......
LakesideDream Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Crostover, Welcom to LS. Read other threads here on the same subject. You are not alone. Sadly for you, it sounds like your wife has completely checked out of the marriage. Reading your post this was painfully apparent even before you disclosed your substance abuse. My advice is to learn from the experiance. Put the knowledge that actions have consequences to good use. Don't do the same things in your next relationship.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Crostover, Welcom to LS. Read other threads here on the same subject. You are not alone. Sadly for you, it sounds like your wife has completely checked out of the marriage. Reading your post this was painfully apparent even before you disclosed your substance abuse. My advice is to learn from the experiance. Put the knowledge that actions have consequences to good use. Don't do the same things in your next relationship. Lakeside may be right. Step 9 of the Twelve Steps is: 9). Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Have you considered that, given your history, reconciling with you may not be the best thing for your wife and children? Mr. Lucky
Author crostover99 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 thanks for advice lakeside as for it to be better to be away...it would have been true about 2 months ago....but now I have to come to see the errors of my way and will never go back to the self indulged world of drugs or alcholol... but like lakeside side it is time to man up and deal with the consequences...however I know she loves me.... is there ever a return from completely checked out, I mean what if you forgot your bags there and had to go back and realized you wanted to stay?
LakesideDream Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 thanks for advice lakeside as for it to be better to be away...it would have been true about 2 months ago....but now I have to come to see the errors of my way and will never go back to the self indulged world of drugs or alcholol... but like lakeside side it is time to man up and deal with the consequences...however I know she loves me.... is there ever a return from completely checked out, I mean what if you forgot your bags there and had to go back and realized you wanted to stay? Truthfully? The answer is no. Part of a womans "checking out" process is replacing the things in her life that she received from you with input from other sources. By this point she isn't just "checked out" emotionally, she's "checked out" completely. Add in your "problem" with substances and it's doubtful that anything will change her mind. You need to understand that nobody is going to believe a drug/alc addict when that person makes claims of instant and complete life changes. Addicts make those claims all the time. That's why AA gives out little coins for 10 days, 30 days, etc. Every day is a victory. There is no reason to believe in you now. In a few years...?? Maybe. Which brings forth another piece of advice. Let her go. If you are still in love with her in two or three years look her up and show her you are still clean and sober... and hope for the best.
giotto Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 sadly, sometimes you need a slap in the face to wake up... in your case, I think it's too late. Drugs and alcohol are terrible, but - in my opinion - addiction is an illness. Get better, for yourself. Ask for help. It might not be enough to get you wife's trust back, but you'll regain your dignity and your life...
LovieDove24 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 What a beast drugs and alcohol are. I am so sorry to hear you are up against these demons and that your wife and children have been affected by it. Quite honestly I see hope in your situation. It may be because my father was a terrible alcoholic and even after my mom left him he never saw his addiction as the "problem." He is still in denial to this day--12 years later. I have even overheard my mother say that if he cleaned up, she'd still give him a chance. My mother was also an alcoholic, but moreso to deal with my dad's drinking. She has been sober for over 8 years now. Anyways, the point in all this is that as long as you are in the recovery process there is hope. If you fall off the wagon once, twice, ten times (which you probably will) it does not matter so long as you now view your addiction as unmanageable and as a problem. Please make yourself the helathiest man possible. I am 24 now and wish my father could. Do it for your kids. You don't want them always thinking of you as a pathetic shell of a man--more like a child than an adult.
Author crostover99 Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Thank you all to have replied so far..... All though this situation is very very hard for me to understand I will give just a little more insight into the relationship.... She is very religous, non denominational Christian, and has brought me to Christ on numerous occasions. However all the Drugs and being the addict I was(and even though clean still am) I never understood the situation. I had massive scales over my eyes. I believe she has forgiven me, but I do not know what to think.....since this has happened I have continually been reading the bible and praying and seeking God's help....I want him to give me what I want but not till I am ready and only if it be in his will..... However that being said I have also been the boy who cried LION(aka GOD) about 10 times....I have always seem to come into the fathers arms in times of sickness and depression(I know its pathetic) but when life is good I tend to believe I can fix it all.....Now the LION has devoured me I just miss her so much....and would love to tell her where I am at but I know she will only take it for face value....I have made a lifelong pledge to be sober for GOD no matter what he determines in this situation...I am going to recovery meetings, and have recently signed up for some educational classes at a local church.... I just can't help to not feel the pain....which is why I always went to drugs in the first place....I don't know I am so confused!!!!!!
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