Balthazar Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I dated a lady(let's call her Marcy) for a very, very short while with no intimacy and it just didn't work out but there are absolutely no hard feelings on either side. Fast forward a few months later, and Marcy invites me to brunch where I meet an attractive woman, Janet, who introduces herself as Marcy's best friend and says she knows all about me! (Marcy had neglected to introduce me to Janet but we were looking at each other so I introduced myself) During brunch, I invite Janet,Marcy and a couple of Marcy's friends to a party in late January. I don't get their numbers, but ,at my request, Marcy gives them to me via email a few days later. I check up on Janet and find out she is single(the source is very reliable- it is not MARCY however!). At this point, Marcy knows nothing about my attraction to Janet, although she probably suspects - she is a woman after all, and thus, extremely intuitive. I call up Marcy's friends and invite them. Janet seems shy but friendly and asks for my address. I tell her about the music and the DJ and she seems quite positive(my impression). This all happens about 10 days before the party. A few days before, I call Marcy for another issue and when I refer to the party, she seems a bit non-committal. Come the day of the party, Marcy cancels due to illness and none of her friends show up. The party was fine, but I was disappointed at not seeing Janet. Considering what happened, I decide to send her a text on Monday inquiring if she is ok and mentioning that I didn't see her on Saturday. Janet does not reply. I am now thinking that something must have gone on between Janet and Marcy. I mean, Janet's behavior is a 180 degree turn from what I experienced in our phone chat. I can understand not coming to a party but not answering the text seemed a bit extreme. I enter FB on Tuesday, Marcy sees me online and asks how the party went. I replied but she quickly darts offline. I don't think she really wanted me asking questions. I message her anyway, and ask what happened to her friends. I specifically center on Janet's non reply to my text. In her response, Marcy says Janet is "in love" and hasn't been herself lately but normally replies to texts. She says her other 2 friends wouldn't have come without her(Marcy). My thoughts 1.A few days before the party, Janet is single and on the market. If she "fell in love" it was pretty quick! 2. How did Marcy's friends know she would become "ill" at the last minute and not come? Was it precognition, a crystal ball maybe? Talking with two friends, they offered me interesting views. A female friend told me it is quite clear(in her opinion). There was NO way Marcy would help me with her best friend Janet. She said that we may have not had a relationship, but most women will not help you in such matters - unless, they are the ones doing the match making. She then added that Marcy said Janet was "in love" to cut me off completely. When I replied that Marcy is taking a risk, she said it is a calculated risk as she knows I probably would not get back to Janet after the non-reply of my text. My male friend was a bit more trusting and said that maybe Janet thought it through and Marcy may have told her she has feelings for me or may want to pursue something(regardless of whether this is actually true!)In light of this, she may not want to jeopardize her relationship with Marcy. They both agree that Janet should have replied as a common courtesy. Realistically, I don't think I can take this anywhere with Janet, she has been disrespectful, but who knows what has been said between the two ladies? I would appreciate any views and opinions fellow LS'ers can offer. Cheers,
dreamergrl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Did you post about Marcy a long while back?
xrhannyx Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 i personally wud deffo help a guy mate with my best friend....IF i didnt lyk the guy! if i had feeleings for him I wud do everything possible to just not be involved...sum women mite take it a bit further than just styin out of it they may try and input something to make sure tht nothing happens.... I no my best friend felt harsh goin out with my ex as she thought it would hurt me so she backed off. cud b the case? its always a hard one to call but then if u do tlk to janet again u can ask her! the safest bet it just to ask and i agree tht March should have replied instead of running scared! xx
Author Balthazar Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Did you post about Marcy a long while back? Hi Dreamer;), long time no see! Nope, I haven't posted about Marcy before. It was just a few dates, nothing serious. It didn't lead anywhere and we amicably stopped going out. The essence is really Janet's not replying to my text which means she does not want contact. Ahh... to be a fly on the wall and hear Janet and Marcy conversing.....
Author Balthazar Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 I don't know Dreamer... Marcy had chances to be with me. She never tried too hard... in fact I was the one more into her.
dreamergrl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I don't know Dreamer... Marcy had chances to be with me. She never tried too hard... in fact I was the one more into her. Ahhh, I missed that somewhere. That makes even more sense. Marcy likes that you where after her. She liked having the attention of you pursuing her, now you are pursuing someone else.
Shygirl15 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I believe Marcy must have said something not-so-nice to Janet about you. Looks like she's jealous, now that you seem interested with her best friend. And that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to date you or anything; it's just pure female jealousy, nothing else.
Author Balthazar Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Hello Shy girl! We haven't talked for a long time.One of the best avatars on LS is the one with your smile.... Yes, I agree with you, although I would have hoped Marcy was above such things. Dreamer: Unfortunately, that seems to be the case Dreamer... Glad to speak with both of you again after such a long time. I hope both you girls have been OK.
Shygirl15 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Yep I'm still here , I thought about you just recently. Anyway B, no matter what discussion went on btn the two ladies, I think it was a bit rude of Janet not to respond to your text. Not a very nice impression. Move away from this one.
D-Lish Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Well here is a different perspective. My close females friends and I have that unwritten code- we simply don't go out with friends ex's/formers/etc. Even a couple dates would still be a no-no. If my friend had a few dates with someone and then tried to set me up with him, or he showed interest in me- I wouldn't be into it. I also wouldn't ever set up someone I dated with a gf. It's not out of jealousy- more about drama. If Janet is aware that you did actually like Marcy at one point- it would make it even more awkward to date you. I can't explain it fully- but it might boil down to being second choice (in her mind). Marcy may not have romantic feelings- but I bet she still feels jelaousy over your interest in her friend. That right there is reason not to pursue. I would bet both Marcy and Janet have already talked and straightened out that dating you is not an option. I think both women and men can get territorial.
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I think, where intimacy is involved, perhaps territory to a certain degree is warranted, but the OP related the situation with Marcy was non-sexual and ended well (as "friends") and they continue that friendship. If she is proactively sharing him socially with her female friends, she bears responsibility for the results of that action. Personally, I think, as I related above, that they're "flakes", meaning immature, and are playing games with him. Women do this, honing the power they have over men. It's not insidious, but rather, in my considered opinion, simply immature. Someday they'll think about it (they're not right now, rather giggling about what a dope the OP is) and see that reality.
Author Balthazar Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 I think D-lish and Carhill explained facets of the problem quite well. D-lish your post explained the "unwritten code" between many women that I was afraid was in effect here too. However, you yourself accept that it is not really reasonable in certain cases. Nevertheless, you give a very convincing reason for why Janet never answered. She didn't want any drama between herself and Marcy. Does Marcy feel some jealousy over my interest in Janet? Yes, she probably does. Carhill explains their immaturity(they are both early 30's) and mentions an important fact. Why did Marcy introduce me into her social circle when she feels this way? As for giggling about me being a dope, they may be doing that, buy I feel OK with myself. My actions were congruent with what a man does if he is interested in somebody. Not my fault these two ladies are as they are. In any case, nothing ventured - nothing gained. Thanks for the input... the case is solved I think.
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 OP, remember, "dope" is from their perspective, one borne of immaturity, and not reflective of my opinion of you.
D-Lish Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 D-lish your post explained the "unwritten code" between many women that I was afraid was in effect here too. However, you yourself accept that it is not really reasonable in certain cases. Nevertheless, you give a very convincing reason for why Janet never answered. She didn't want any drama between herself and Marcy. Does Marcy feel some jealousy over my interest in Janet? Yes, she probably does. Carhill explains their immaturity(they are both early 30's) and mentions an important fact. Why did Marcy introduce me into her social circle when she feels this way? As for giggling about me being a dope, they may be doing that, buy I feel OK with myself. My actions were congruent with what a man does if he is interested in somebody. Not my fault these two ladies are as they are. In any case, nothing ventured - nothing gained. Thanks for the input... the case is solved I think. I do agree that it's not always reasonable. I think Marcy is the culprit here, not Janet. Janet will just avoid the situation to ensure no drama occurs between her and her friend. If Janet even had an incling that it might upset Marcy... if they are close- she won't do anything to upset the friendship. Marcy may not want to date you- but she probably doesn't want to see your attentions diverted elsewhere either. Yes, it's selfish and unreasonable. Women can be competetive with one another. SO, if you once did have feelings for Marcy- she probably wants to keep that for herself. Yes, it's silly that one person would selfishly deny others a chance at a little happiness in order to preserve their own ego- but I've seen that happen a lot. I'd wager that all this falls on Marcy and not Janet. Janet is probably just avoiding anything that might cause drama in the friendship. Keep them as friends and continue to see them socially. Perhaps Marcy will meet a guy and then it won't be such a problem for her to see you date her friend. In the meantime- keep looking to date outside that circle of social networking. I know guys have this code as well. I've been in the middle of that before. I had feelings for one guy- but his friend had feelings for me. It's like one friend lays claim to a woman- so the rest aren't allowed to interfere with that- even if they want to. You'd think people would be beyond that in their 30's...
sid3 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Not returning a text is rude IMO. More than likely she received it, sometimes it takes a few days if the person you've sent it to has a different carrier and occasionally a text will never get delivered. I will only text what's for dinner, please bring home " or something along the lines. It is a horrible form of communicating between two people that have just met, recently started dating etc. I agree B, nothing ventured, nothing gained. As you never know until you try. I'm probably going to ask an ex's friend out in a few weeks. Not because I want to be vindictive, but rather I think she'd be far more compatible with me, she's attractive, single, and more than likely far more sane than my ex. I don't believe they're very close friends. But I would never expect an ex to help with a friend. Whether or not it would be a great thing for both of you or not. Their needs are often what matters to them most.
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