65tr6 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I will be the first to admit. I NEVER thought a person could change. Dont ask me why but I remember a friend of mine (when i was really little) telling me it is just not possible. Not sure why but it got embedded in my brain...Fast forward couple of decades I now know that it is a myth. People change. Sometimes or rather most of the time you must, if you are in a relationship. After my wife's the affair came out, the very next day, I googled "affair". I hit couple of websites and the floodgates opened up for me. I believe people mellow down a lot with age but there is always that life changing event that can act as a major catalyst too. I changed almost overnight. Several months later, it is now becoming a second nature. So far so good. There are moments when I tend to go back to the old myself but those are becoming far less and more importantly I tend to correct myself. I am curious as to what changes other BSs/WSs went through and wonder if they were/are able to sustain it. How did the affair impact you ? You think you are a better person now ? If so, how ? You think you can sustain the changes you made for rest of your life ? How did your beliefs change, if any ? Do you think more and more folks are working through affairs given the resources that are available out there ?(I personally think this is a great website and helped me tremendously)
Owl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I don't know if I changed, but I certainly know that my view on marriage, and on trust both changed significantly. I'll never "blindly" trust anyone again. Even if I were to divorce my wife, and somehow end up with someone else, I wouldn't have that 'blind faith' that it couldn't happen in our relationship. It's also made me alot more aware of how relationships work.
97gone Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Even as the years go by trust will be the number 1 issue,the biggest mistake my wife made was not telling the truth about her affair. I know all the details and have been waiting for her to answer my questions. Be up-front and when ask a question about your affair tell all.
SueBee3490 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 How did the affair impact you ? You think you are a better person now ? If so, how ? You think you can sustain the changes you made for rest of your life ? How did your beliefs change, if any ? Do you think more and more folks are working through affairs given the resources that are available out there ?(I personally think this is a great website and helped me tremendously) I, like Owl, view of trust changed. I will NEVER blindly trust another person again. My problem is that I tend to not trust anyone, even family. I have accused my children of lying to me (when in fact I'm not sure they were guilty of this). I think it just goes along with not wanting another person "to pullt he wool over my eyes" again. I don't want to be made a fool of again and especially have my heart broken again. It's not fair and it has sure not made me a better person. I am bitter. I doubt I will go into another relationship because I'm sure I would not be fair to the man involved. Changes that I will make, I won't get involved again. Too risky. Not sure if more are working through affairs now or if it just seems more common with internet, etc.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 At first I was a desperate fool that was wrought with grief over what to do and wanted to stay with me X because I couldn't bear to destroy their little lives. I even tried to convince myself that I could be happy with someone that cheated on me. So how did it change me? No more whining, crying if it ever happens again. No worrying about what I should do. I now KNOW what I will do and there won't be any grief. I'll leave the relationship without a 2nd thought. One strike and they are out.
Owl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 At first I was a desperate fool that was wrought with grief over what to do and wanted to stay with me X because I couldn't bear to destroy their little lives. I even tried to convince myself that I could be happy with someone that cheated on me. So how did it change me? No more whining, crying if it ever happens again. No worrying about what I should do. I now KNOW what I will do and there won't be any grief. I'll leave the relationship without a 2nd thought. One strike and they are out. I don't always agree with you, Dex... ...but I wanted to say that this is something I didn't mention in my first response here either. I will NOT go through trying to recover a marriage again from cheating. If my wife were to do it again (which I don't believe will happen), or if I were with someone else and they cheated...there would be NO 'second chance'.
lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Most of you will be upset that I post here because I am the cheater, but here it goes. It's also made me alot more aware of how relationships work. If it made you more aware of how relationships work, then you would understand that the decision to go through with the act of cheating is the responsibility of the cheater (it is wrong), but the reason they are there (in that dark place of WTF am I doing? or I am %$#*& done with this relationship!) in the first is because both of you were not meeting the needs of each other. I don't always agree with you, Dex... ...but I wanted to say that this is something I didn't mention in my first response here either. I will NOT go through trying to recover a marriage again from cheating. If my wife were to do it again (which I don't believe will happen), or if I were with someone else and they cheated...there would be NO 'second chance'. If you are more aware of how relationships work, you wouldn't ever get to this place in your relationship again. You will understand the needs (spoken and unknown) of your spouse and met them.
soserious1 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Most of you will be upset that I post here because I am the cheater, but here it goes. If it made you more aware of how relationships work, then you would understand that the decision to go through with the act of cheating is the responsibility of the cheater (it is wrong), but the reason they are there (in that dark place of WTF am I doing? or I am %$#*& done with this relationship!) in the first is because both of you were not meeting the needs of each other. If you are more aware of how relationships work, you wouldn't ever get to this place in your relationship again. You will understand the needs (spoken and unknown) of your spouse and met them. My now ex husband had a burning need for endless amounts of porn and babe pics, he also had an endless need to search craig's list for women significantly younger than myself to have sex with with. My husband didn't want me sexually because I was too old,too ugly, too repulsive to touch or look at. He did want to stay married though,because I paid the bills. There was no way for me to meet his need for a 30 yr old, there was no way for me to wave a magic wand over my aging face and body and morph myself into one of the young hotties he burned for. Also, expecting people to become mind readers in order to meet "unspoken needs" is just another rationalization of a cheater. YOU aren't happy? it's on you to communicate that fact to your spouse,if the issue is a deal breaker you need to say so,clearly and loudly.. ie: you need to tell them that if you can't fix the problem in x number of days,weeks or months that you will divorce them.
Owl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Most of you will be upset that I post here because I am the cheater, but here it goes. Not so much...pretty much anyone tends to be welcome here. If it made you more aware of how relationships work, then you would understand that the decision to go through with the act of cheating is the responsibility of the cheater (it is wrong), but the reason they are there (in that dark place of WTF am I doing? or I am %$#*& done with this relationship!) in the first is because both of you were not meeting the needs of each other. You're making a big leap here. You're ASSUMING that the reason that those needs weren't being met was due to both parties. That's not always true. My situation in particular...I was aware that we were having problems for about a year prior to the affair. I did everything I could think of to try to work out the issue...but my wife simply wouldn't take the actions she needed to. At the end of the day, the real "reasons" behind everything were her untreated depression, her online gaming addiction, and her subsequent withdrawl from the family. Notice a common theme? HER issues, that she refused to do anything about at the time. Even now, five years after a very successful recovery, I can look back and see that the changes made were HERS...mine were very, very minor in comparison. I was NOT at fault for her choice to cheat...and in reality, I wasn't even at fault for the state of our marriage. I actively tried to identify and fix them well prior to her affair...but given that the issues were ones that only she could address, and ones that she refused to communicate to me, there was very little that I could actively do until that situation changed. In some situations, it may well be both parties...but you're assuming that this is always the case, and that's simply not true at all. If you are more aware of how relationships work, you wouldn't ever get to this place in your relationship again. You will understand the needs (spoken and unknown) of your spouse and met them. I will...to a large degree. BUT again, if she does not communicate those needs...there is no way that I can meet them. Don't fall into that trap, friend. Don't expect your spouse to be a mind reader, and to simply 'intuit' your needs. That's unrealistic, and unfair. Our first counselor had it right. It was my job to ASK and LEARN about her needs. It was her job to make sure that she told me and helped me to understand them. Think about it.
SueBee3490 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Also, expecting people to become mind readers in order to meet "unspoken needs" is just another rationalization of a cheater. YOU aren't happy? it's on you to communicate that fact to your spouse,if the issue is a deal breaker you need to say so,clearly and loudly.. ie: you need to tell them that if you can't fix the problem in x number of days,weeks or months that you will divorce them. This is so true. I wasn't a mind reader either. I would ask my bf if everything was ok, etc. He always indicated he was so happy with me, things were fine, etc. He needed to communicate to me if something was wrong. He didn't. Also, he seemed to think it would be a deal breaker for me to cheat on him. Because after all, his ex-wife cheated on him and he did divorce her.
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Lsm,You still seem to have a twisted view of relationships. It's not up to one partner to anticpate the needs or desires of the other. It's up to BOTH partners to communicate these needs to each other. If a desire is unspoken then it is unknown and can't be met. The 2 most important issues in any relationship are communication and ABSOLUTE honesty.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 For those that lost trust or lost their belief in trust, do you see this as a positive or a negative, or even just a neccessary thing? Would you want that blind trust back? Or are you happy that you can no longer trust in that way?
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I don't think it's a good or a bad thing. It's a learning experience. an awareness. You can give the same level of trust in a new relationship, you're just aware of what can happen and can avoid or preempt problems before they arise.
lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Lsm,You still seem to have a twisted view of relationships. It's not up to one partner to anticpate the needs or desires of the other. It's up to BOTH partners to communicate these needs to each other. If a desire is unspoken then it is unknown and can't be met. The 2 most important issues in any relationship are communication and ABSOLUTE honesty. When I say spoken and unknown I mean from each person point of view. Each person has needs and wants that they don't even know about themselves. Has anyone ever heard of the Ultimate Expectations. Almost every couple has them without even knowing it.
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I agree with that to a point, but most posters here are either the cheater or the victim. I don't think many of us have those types of expectations any more.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Though I agree with BoldJack that an unvoiced want or need cannot be satisfied, I also hold the view that some wants and needs shouldn't NEED to be communicated. I think when you know someone well enough, you KNOW there wants, needs and dreams. Just somewhere along the line you either forget or ignore them or refuse to accept they still matter. Maybe you stop giving affection...but you know your partner is an affectionate person. And why should that person have to ask for you to do or say something? Surely then you are only doing it because you have been 'ordered' to? And then the partner will feel you don't really mean the words or the act - but that you are just performing it because they asked. What's better? To ask for a hug...or just to be given one - because that person knows you well enough to KNOW what your needs and wants are. Obviously some needs and wants change with time but in most cases I think the partner just forgets, ignores or thinks they no longer matter and the person that feels ignored doesn't want to have to 'remind' someone when they feel they should still know.
Owl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I think it's unrealistic...and just plain silly...to expect someone to meet a need that you don't even know you have. Not to mention...IMPOSSIBLE. Nothing like setting an impossible expectation of your spouse to garauntee your marriage to fail.
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Yes NS, But there is SOME form of communication. It may be non-verbal, it may be situational, but it's there. If you see your so needs a hug, because of an experience that you know from experience, he or she finds upsetting, and don't respond, then you're a fool to yourself.
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Owl, what you say is true. A person shouldn't go into a relationship with another, without at least a reasonable hope of fulfilling both parties expectations. If you marry a plumber, and your expectations were to marry a Doctor, you're the fool. And the marriage will most likely fail.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Most of you will be upset that I post here because I am the cheater, but here it goes. If it made you more aware of how relationships work, then you would understand that the decision to go through with the act of cheating is the responsibility of the cheater (it is wrong), but the reason they are there (in that dark place of WTF am I doing? or I am %$#*& done with this relationship!) in the first is because both of you were not meeting the needs of each other. If you are more aware of how relationships work, you wouldn't ever get to this place in your relationship again. You will understand the needs (spoken and unknown) of your spouse and met them. excuses and justifications....spoken like a true cheater.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Not so much...pretty much anyone tends to be welcome here. You're making a big leap here. You're ASSUMING that the reason that those needs weren't being met was due to both parties. He's doing so because he is a cheater and its convenient for him to say or think, "my needs weren't met, so I got it elsewhere". Well whats the point of staying with someone if they feel the need to cheat? My needs weren't met in my marriage, you didn't see me sticking my d##k in other women.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 He's doing so because he is a cheater and its convenient for him to say or think, "my needs weren't met, so I got it elsewhere". Well whats the point of staying with someone if they feel the need to cheat? My needs weren't met in my marriage, you didn't see me sticking my d##k in other women. I think when peoples needs and wants aren't met whether it is justifiable or not, they tend to be build up resentment and blame against others which helps enable them to cheat - because they have already partioned some of that blame onto another person - so the full blame is not theres - if you see what I mean. But yes cheating is a short term solution to get those needs and wants met...but not from the person that you want to be meeting those needs.
Author 65tr6 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Most of you will be upset that I post here because I am the cheater, but here it goes. . first of all, I am glad you posted. Next.... but the reason they are there (in that dark place of WTF am I doing? or I am %$#*& done with this relationship!) in the first is because both of you were not meeting the needs of each other.. I have not read your story (dont know if you posted one..I will look). So you blame your spouse for the affair ? Did you spouse ever cheat ? In any case, since the affair, any changes in your thinking or beliefs ?
lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 first of all, I am glad you posted. Next.... I have not read your story (dont know if you posted one..I will look). So you blame your spouse for the affair ? Did you spouse ever cheat ? In any case, since the affair, any changes in your thinking or beliefs ? I do not blame my spouse for my looking elsewhere. I do blame myself and him for not seeing how bad things were between us. I blame myself and him for not being able to effectively communicate to each other. I do blame myself for not taking care of myself and my feelings. I do blame myself for knowing he wanted a certain "type" of girl and then trying to be that. I do blame myself for getting pregnant so soon into our relationship. I do blame myself and him and my parents and his parents for the ways we communicate or don't communicate with each other. As far as I know, he has never cheated on me? Over the last two years though, as distance as we have been, I wouldn't be surprised if he did too. Yes, since the cheating I have changed the way I think. My beliefs on the other hand, no. I wait for karma to bite me in the butt. I know what I have down is wrong and someday I will pay dearly for that (3 fold in fact). I am waiting for it.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 He's doing so because he is a cheater and its convenient for him to say or think, "my needs weren't met, so I got it elsewhere".. correction......she and her
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