Trimmer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 well we were sort of friends before this, does that make things different? So given that, and if you are likely to be around him in the future, wouldn't he eventually clue in to the fact that you didn't actually get back together with your x-bf?
serial muse Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 alright these all seem like valid points, maybe you're right. I'm surprise nobody has ever used this excuse though... huh, maybe I'm just evil You've probably already handled this situation however you're going to, but I'd like to add my 2 cents anyway...I don't think you're evil, but I think honesty is better. I'm a girl, and I've had a guy do this to me (no to the bitter, women are not the only people who do stuff like this ). He broke it off after several dates, telling me he was getting back with his ex. I was sad but took it on the chin. Then I found out through the grapevine a couple of weeks later that he was still single. At that point, I still didn't put it all together; I thought that it hadn't worked out with his ex, thus he might still be available/interested, and so I contacted him to say hi. And, of course, felt like a complete idiot when I realized I'd been had. (He didn't confess, just sort of stammered and hemmed and hawed. I figured it out later.) So...don't do it. I know it's easier in the short term, but if what you want is to do the kind thing, be honest. Although Trimmer raises an interesting point - I certainly thought a lot less of this guy after I figured it out than I would have if he'd just been up front about not being interested. Not that he cared what I thought of him. But still. IMO, it's bad juju.
manugeorge Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I've used it- "I stared seeing someone- I think you're nice but I don't think we're going to work out." I don't care what people say- you're not evil fpr letting someone down easy. Saying you met someone else is definitive, it's closure and what are they going to do? They will walk away thinking- "oh well- not my fault". F*ck that brutally honest stuff. That's best left for long term relationships where explanations are owed. I've dated someone two-three times- for sure I am going to let them down easy and say- it's not you- it's me- I think you're great but I am getting back with an ex. It ends things for them with definity and they don't go back into the dating pool with minimalk battle scars. You're not eveil. I never want to hear someway say to me I am not Good enough to be loved by them. It hurts too much. You know I kind of agree with you. I mean the so called brutal honesty of "you're a nice guy but I'm just not interested" is the very same thing that messes with one's ego and tend to turn some guys bitter. Because then, he's going away thinking "well if I'm so nice, why doesn't she want to date me"?. And then he goes home analyzing every single thing he did on the date and how he could have done better. We see those posts here all the time. In an ideal world, he wouldn't let these things phase him but please, we are human beings, there is only so much rejection one person can dust off. No matter how confident you are, when someone tells you they don't like you for whatever reason, it kind of stings. But when she says she decided to get back together with her ex, at least you walk away thinking there is nothing wrong with you. Ignorance is bliss in this case and hell, I'll take it. What purpose does the so called brutal honesty serve really? Unless the guy/girl is just a really unpleasant person to be around, in that case, I would let them know straight up. But for a perfectly nice guy who I'm not attracted to, yes, I will let him down easy by saying that I'm still in love with my ex. Whether my fabricated ex and I eventually get back together is irrelevant. So even if my date finds out later that I didn't go back to my ex, it doesn't matter. The point is what I felt for this ex was presumably greater than what I felt for the date at that time. Closure that doesn't hurt anyone in my opinion
BentSpine Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Good posts by both men and women on this thread. Let me add something. No, you cannot lie and avoid being remembered with disdain. Case 1) He had already been rejected by a good share of honest women. Then he will immediately write you off as literally crazy. If he doesn't reply to your line or agrees with you, this is what happened. Con: He will avoid you like the plague because he actually thinks you're unstable. Pro: Your behaviour won't much affect his view of other girls, only yours. Case 2) He hasn't met honest women. Two weeks or years later, he WILL hear about similar cases and realise that you were lying. Your behaviour WILL not only affect his view of you FOREVER, which won't be a nice view, but more seriously, you teach him that girls in general are liars. Now on the other hand be honest with him, and he will remember that honesty. Every time he remembers your honesty will he more and more genuinely wish you health and happiness in life.
nicki Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 No BJs! Then they STALK you forever! I always let a guy know as honestly as possible. I'll say something like "I don't see this going anywhere," or "I've decided I don't want to pursue this any further," or even, "I don't feel we have that special something together. I'm sorry." Some guys ask follow up questions about the date/dates and I answer as honestly as possible. One guy came on so strong sexually during our first two dates that it turned me off completely. I told him that. The only way you can decide if you don't want to pursue something more with someone is to spend a bit of time with them first. Most guys get this and don't expect a relationship. They can handle the honesty. I would only lie to a guy if he seemed to be a scary stalker type. Then I would definitely say I was getting back with an ex, a big strong jealous ex!
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