nygirl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 hi, I went on a date with this guy about a week ago and now he's indicated he wants to see me again, and he's really nice, but I'm just not attracted to him. I'm not very experienced at this, that's why I'm looking for advice. I really want to make this as painless for him as possible so I've decided I'm going to tell him I'm getting back together with my ex bf. Have any of you ever used this as an excuse before? do you think it's a good idea? is it worse the just telling him I'm not interested?
2sunny Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 no need to lie. just tell him it's not going to work for you. you really don't owe him more than that...
Author nygirl Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 I know I don't NEED to lie but I just think this would be easier for me too when it comes to telling him. Has anybody else ever used this excuse without it backfiring somehow?
Squirtal Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Hi NYgirl I'm sure in the past we've all used excuses..and had them used on us..but if you have really liked someone who hasn't been into you and they use that line..don't you feel "well why did they go on a date in the first place?" I personally prefer the "I don't really feel it" and get an honest answer from the person so I don't have loads of unanswered questions or feel that someone s better than me. if that makes sense. Being honest with someone may not be easy for you as you find it uncomfortable, but at least you're not decieving someone and you're guilt free.
Green Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 personaly its kinda of cruel but I would go with the ignoring him. If he calls a third time just say the BF thing...
PinkKittyKat Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Girls like you are the reason guys get bitter. Once you've been "let down easy" a few hundred times with no actual reasons it gets a tad frustrating. It's best to be blunt, rip the bandaid off fast. "This is why, I'm sorry, I'm just not attracted to you." You may think you're being nice to him by not hurting his feelings, but you're just trying to make yourself feel better. When a lot of girls "let him down easy" what they are actually doing is sending mixed signals. They say "I don't think it's working", but then insist "No, no, I really LIKE you alot, it's just..." so his widdle feelings won't be hurt....Then they insist, "No no you're very good looking it's just that...our chemistry is off". And at that point the guy is left with "Okay, so..she LIKES me a lot, and I'm very good looking, so what exactly is the problem then?" It's a rotten thing to do to a guy and it leaves him with a sour taste and the feeling that either she hasn't been completely straight with him or that he's incapable of telling whether a girl actually likes him or not. Don't send mixed signals. I have helped SO many guy friends through this "let down easy" crap.
zhsoj Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I'd say tell the truth. And best to do it sooner rather than later. I'd much rather know up front than be strung along. Life is too short to be confused and mislead.
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 How would you want to be let down easy? Do that for him.
ColorCube Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I would go with the you don't feel the connection and wish him well in the future.
bean1 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Just be honest with him. When I met my SO and hit it off, I was also had a dinner date with someone else (who was a great person but I hardly knew him and just decided on the other choice). I told him- thank you very much, but I have decided to pursue a relationship with someone else. He said "thank you for your honesty" and we left it at that. You don't have to say who that someone else is. Let's be realistic, it hasn't been very long, I doubt he'll be throwing himself off a cliff, he probably won't remember your name after a while. IF YOU ARE HONEST. If you jerk him around or play games (like ignoring him), then you will be remembered and not in a good way. What would you like someone to do if the situation was reversed?
dreamergrl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I would think you would want someone to be honest with you, so be honest with him. Lines and excuses are over used so much to the point you never really know the honest truth. I'd rather know the real deal then be given some random line.
PrincessPeach Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Girls like you are the reason guys get bitter. Once you've been "let down easy" a few hundred times with no actual reasons it gets a tad frustrating. It's best to be blunt, rip the bandaid off fast. "This is why, I'm sorry, I'm just not attracted to you." You may think you're being nice to him by not hurting his feelings, but you're just trying to make yourself feel better. When a lot of girls "let him down easy" what they are actually doing is sending mixed signals. They say "I don't think it's working", but then insist "No, no, I really LIKE you alot, it's just..." so his widdle feelings won't be hurt....Then they insist, "No no you're very good looking it's just that...our chemistry is off". And at that point the guy is left with "Okay, so..she LIKES me a lot, and I'm very good looking, so what exactly is the problem then?" It's a rotten thing to do to a guy and it leaves him with a sour taste and the feeling that either she hasn't been completely straight with him or that he's incapable of telling whether a girl actually likes him or not. Don't send mixed signals. I have helped SO many guy friends through this "let down easy" crap. This is spot on! Seriously, guys don't want to be "let down easy." They should be turned down, flat and honest. Girls who let guys down easy are the one who help make men bitter towards women. I don't want men bitter toward me. Be honest and just say you aren't interested in him at all. It isn't going to kill him, I am positive he will survive that line from you. And you'll both be better for it. Ask ANY guy whether they prefer to be let down easy or simply rejected. I assure you the majority would prefer to be rejected so they know what's going on.
yamaharoland Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 In this specific case, I agree with 2sunny since it's only been one date and only one week. I'm a guy. I prefer a clear rejection with an honest reason if you are gonna give one. With respect to similar situations in relationships though: If I don't know what's wrong, then I don't know how to improve myself or protect my heart the next time around if it wasn't due to my shortcomings. If you respect him, then give him that at the very least. This applies more and more, the longer you are with someone. Given that you were only on one date, probably not as important, but still - clear rejection and not lying will always be respected. There is nothing worse than losing a relationship and going back into the dating world blind to what caused it. It's like being in a crowd of people and getting punched in the face, knowing you could get punched again, but not knowing who did it.
sumdude Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 "I like you but I'm not in like with you." But seriously.. just tell him the spark's not there for you and you're not interested. Might want to avoid the 'attraction' word... just because he may be attractive but not to you.. in that way right? Otherwise he might walk around thinking he's got fugly face.
Funkymonkey Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Be blunt with him. Just tell him you don't think it's gonna work. Guys hate rejection, but we hate it more if you lead us on.
crfsti Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 In this specific case, I agree with 2sunny since it's only been one date and only one week. I'm a guy. I prefer a clear rejection with an honest reason if you are gonna give one. With respect to similar situations in relationships though: If I don't know what's wrong, then I don't know how to improve myself or protect my heart the next time around if it wasn't due to my shortcomings. If you respect him, then give him that at the very least. This applies more and more, the longer you are with someone. Given that you were only on one date, probably not as important, but still - clear rejection and not lying will always be respected. There is nothing worse than losing a relationship and going back into the dating world blind to what caused it. It's like being in a crowd of people and getting punched in the face, knowing you could get punched again, but not knowing who did it. Yep, fully agree! I can even relate. I'm 25 and haven't been able to land a girlfriend so far and every girl (dozens) i've dated up to this point has "let me down easy" and I am completely clueless and confused of what went wrong or how to improve myself next time around in the future. I wish they would of just been strait with me right off the bat and not beat around the bush with sending mixed signals, cause i think that starts to take it's toll on someone's feelings.
Author nygirl Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 alright these all seem like valid points, maybe you're right. I'm surprise nobody has ever used this excuse though... huh, maybe I'm just evil
D-Lish Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 alright these all seem like valid points, maybe you're right. I'm surprise nobody has ever used this excuse though... huh, maybe I'm just evil I've used it- "I stared seeing someone- I think you're nice but I don't think we're going to work out." I don't care what people say- you're not evil fpr letting someone down easy. Saying you met someone else is definitive, it's closure and what are they going to do? They will walk away thinking- "oh well- not my fault". F*ck that brutally honest stuff. That's best left for long term relationships where explanations are owed. I've dated someone two-three times- for sure I am going to let them down easy and say- it's not you- it's me- I think you're great but I am getting back with an ex. It ends things for them with definity and they don't go back into the dating pool with minimalk battle scars. You're not eveil. I never want to hear someway say to me I am not Good enough to be loved by them. It hurts too much.
Trimmer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 alright these all seem like valid points, maybe you're right. I'm surprise nobody has ever used this excuse though... huh, maybe I'm just evil Oh, doubtless people use it all the time, but it's still evil... And Herbie casts one vote for HONESTY! (...anyone get that American pop-culture reference?)
yamaharoland Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 agree with D-lish. since this is short and you weren't friends with the guy prior to this, nothing is owed besides being polite about it. guys should learn not to fall too hard in just the first week...or two...or three...it should hurt the ego a little (as all rejections do) but it should not devastate if the guy is not wearing his heart on his sleeves.
Matteo Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 personaly its kinda of cruel but I would go with the ignoring him. If he calls a third time just say the BF thing... i agree with this method.
Trimmer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Actually, you know what it is for me? It's not about letting me down easy, or soothing my easily bruised ego. Contrary to the implication that guys need protection from this crushing blow, I'm not going to fold up like a wilted flower. For me, it comes down to what I would think of you afterward. If I get an "easy let down" that turns out (either immediately obvious, or revealed later) to be a convenient lie, I'm not going to appreciate you trying to "be nice", I'm going to think poorly of you, and I won't have much respect for you. On the other hand, if you're honest, my precious ego is going to survive, and I'll be able to remember you with respect. So for me, that's what it comes down to, and why I would choose honesty - I would rather remember someone with a feeling of respect, so I figure, why wouldn't she want that, too? So I guess I agree - you don't 'owe' him anything, and if you don't care what he thinks of you, then fabricate whatever tall tale gets you out most comfortably. Because be honest, if you've already asserted that you "don't owe him anything" like honesty, then this is really about making you feel better, and not at all about making him feel better. You don't owe him that, remember? On the other hand, if you care what he thinks about you, just be honest and kind. It's not hard to do, and virtually every guy on here (and there was another thread to this effect recently) will tell you they prefer it, and they respect it.
Author nygirl Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 agree with D-lish. since this is short and you weren't friends with the guy prior to this, nothing is owed besides being polite about it. well we were sort of friends before this, does that make things different?
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