it is really the end

[allthewiser]

hey all,

 

thought i share my thoughts and feelings as I really need the support and advice from others that have dealt with the end of a r-ship, or are dealing with one.

 

i just crossed my ex moving her stuff out and words were exchanged after 3 days of nc. i had a commitment rings and was going to give them to her later when i felt right. however, when seeing her i made up my mind to give them to her so i wouldnt need to see her in the future. her close friend from work was there helping her. this was the conversation:

 

i hand her the rings

her: i don't want them. sell them.

me: you wanted them. do what you want. you're the one who cheated on me and is now moving in with him.

me walking away to my car raising my voice

me: just get the **** out of my life

her: i will. don't you worry (one of her fav catchphrases)

i keep on walking and finally say in a controlled voice

me: good luck. you deserve each other.

 

i then got into my car and drove away

 

how did i feel? i feel a combination of numbness, anger, regret, sadness, relief.

now (an hour later and at home seeing that her stuff isnt here): sadness..like my chest is going to explode.

 

but i've been having that feeling off and on since i broke up with her last thurs. it's just so intense right now and i know it is only natural. it's just that with her stuff gone it means IT'S REALLY OVER! no more connection.

 

it means i have to restart nc all over again. but at least i gave her the rings, showed my anger in a controlled way, and walked away with dignity and drove off.

 

any thoughts and suggestions to where this crazy rollercoaster will take me next?

[D-Lish]

What made you decide to give her the rings since you broke up after she cheated on you? Just curious.

 

Proceed into NC and keep it that way. After the initial shock of this confrontation wears off, the healing will begin to set in.

 

Better to be alone than to remain entangled with a woman that has no regard for commitment.

 

It's going to sting for a while- but just keep telling yourself you'll be better off in the long run.

[allthewiser]

she cheated on me sept last yr with a bloke (we were in a same sex r-ship), and she said it was a mistake and that she wanted to be with me. we tried living together again for a couple of months and everything was fine...hence the rings (we wanted to get 'married' b4 she cheated on me). perhaps it was hope or stupidity on my/our part, but both thought that we wanted to be with each other and if we can survive that we can survive anything.

 

i know about the healing etc. the feelings of reality over the past week have come and go. overcome by other emotions and thoughts. but i know now it'll REALLY hit me once this shock wears off. will the healing process from now on be any easier since the realisation that she is no longer in my life has sunk in?

[Joker77]

Man, I'm sorry that you are going through this, but better she do this now than when you are married. It doesn't make it any easier, but she did you a favor. I wish you the best of luck.

[entityzero]

hey allthewiser its your fave buddy in sadness, im at singapore airport using the net JUST to check up on you so that should make you happy:)

despite how hard it must of been to see your ex, and it didnt go very well, i think its always best to get the things out that you want to say, theres nothing worse than sitting around thinking about the millions of things you wanted to say..

i broke NC a few times just to get things off my chest, and it helped, hey, what did i have to lose right?? i didnt yell, swear or get angry (well, maybe a little, but im passive by nature) so i kept my dignity, unlike her.

 

as for where this crazy ride will go next, i think its impossible for anyone to really know coz i could of never predicted half the **** i've been through, but like ive been doing, just tell yourself that it can only get better from here.. you deserve someone who is on the same emotional and sexual level as yourself, not someone in the midst of an identity crisis, im sure its nothing personal against you, she's probably just as confused as my crazy ex..

emotional connection is SO important to sustain a healthy relationship and im definately more in tune with what i will look for in my next partner.

well, i have a plane to catch, keep your chin up, keep up NC (unless you REALLY have to get some **** out, then go for it) and i'll post again soon

[allthewiser]

hey, mate.

 

thank you for taking the time to check in. how does it feel to be starting on both an emotional and physical beginning of your new life? liberating, huh?

 

when i awoke today, no longer did i have the feeling of desertion, but of acceptance. last night was hard bc i knew she was with him, but i ploughed thru it. had a great friend phone me and made me feel so much better. today, i feel i'm still able to continue planning my new life, but with more determination.

 

it's true what they say " when one door closes, another opens". half an hr after i posted i got a phone call from someone interested in renting a room. we hit it off straight away...she was funny, positive..everything that i need in my life now. not that i'm on the rebound (i know that 4 sure), but the fact that there's other ppl out there that i can get along with so much better is heartwarming. she's coming today to check out the room, so i hope we hit it off as well as we did on the phone. i ned to come home to positivity, not some lying and cheating cow who used and betrayed my caring and loving soul.

[entityzero]

hey!

im in london now and you know what? i think you'll be mad but im STILL going "ok its 2:30am in australia i KNOW they're in bed together now"

WHY?! How could i come all this way and im still being a d**k and thinking about her, the distance between us, him going over there on a friday night, i mean..what the hell?

Its been 3 months, and im STILL screwed over this, my heart wants to be over it but my head is torturing me, i spent alot of time on the plane just thinking about her and the good times, how sexy i thought she was, and now he's enjoying her body

Once im over my jet lag and get things going maybe i'll be better.

Its good to hear you have reached acceptance so quick, i hope that feeling continues for you, I know I havent got there yet, its just coz shes with someone i know well and i cant help but see his face while he's behind her...god it makes me sick

 

Its totally true about the one door closing one opening situation, just at my lowest around Christmas i got a facebook msg from a girl I went to school with 10 years ago, and we've totally reconnected! We've hung out, gone out, had sex a few times, its just fun, but im not ready to commit yet and ive been honest and she understands... but yeah just having someone new has been a welcome distraction and who knows where it could go from here in the future?

Still hasnt completely stopped me thinking about my ex though!

Good luck with your new flat-mate, do you think there is any chance of you becoming more than friends? Have you sussed her "orientation" yet??

Keep me updated, take care.

[allthewiser]

hey there,

 

i can symphasise with how you're feeling. everything about you was entwined and invested in her. that, and the fact you had a DOUBLE betrayal...ur girl and your best mate.

 

saw her today unexpectedly. she came over with 'him' to get her washing machine (she still has alot of big stuff here). i told her y did she have to bring him here and she said bc she had no-one else, and i believe her. i know she is just so lost and ****ed up. took her into my 'new' bedroom and wanted to just talk. knowing it would be a bad idea, but i needed to know, i asked if she is sleeping with him etc. and that she doesnt need to lie (i know within myself i don't want her back). she told me no that he's been on the couch while she's been sleeping in the bed. i don't know if its true, and i don't really care, but a part of me is finding some solace in that they are not. i wish that was the same for you.

 

and for the first time in a LONG time i saw and felt the regret from her. its just that at the moment its too late for us.

 

but at least i saw him today (from a distance), and there was a time that i would've dreaded it. but once seeing him..i thought to myslef "you went with THAT?". Geez, girl. you have so f*cked up. it made me feel better.

 

she wants to see me on monday, and i hesitated. told her see how i feel. but i did make one thing clear that as long as he's in her life, i can't have any type of connection with her. she said that she is seriously thinking of moving back to Canberra, so it makes me wonder that at the moment there is nothing going on btw them, other than a means to sorting thru this prob of hers

 

and you know what? i shouldn't care what or who she does, bc this is now my time to 'shine' grow and develop. which seems to be what you and i are doing.

 

it's great that you have this other person to help 'distract' you. the fact that you can't get your ex out of your mind, is a problem. perhaps you shouldnt get involved with ANYONE at the moment. it's fine to take comfort in the body and company of another person, but not to use it as a means of escape.

 

my new roomie? she's in a r-ship with a woman and has a 2yr old (who she has a few nights a week). seriously, mate...if the most gorgeous person came knocking on my door right now or x period of time, i would not go there. i sincerely believe that this is the ONE CHANCE in my life to find out who I truly am...so i can kick off from this planet true to myself. i don't even mind doing it alone. rather have that than mistrust and doubt in a partner.

 

I think its good that you kept on thinking of her on the plane, as long as you weren't thinking of her in terms of what you have lost. for me it is slowly sinking in that i didin't lose a person, but that part of me that i invested in her. its all about reconnecting and finding that again, so i can be true to myself, and perhaps (if it happens), to love someone who is willing to love me the way i need to be loved and wanted.

what an opportunity London is for you. i know its so difficult, but try to live it up!!! you never know, your next love may be working behind the bar

 

take care, mate. my thoughts are with you.

[entityzero]

Yep, i had a double betrayal, which is why I feel like i have such a massive turd pie to swallow before I can be ok.

It would be so hard for me to see her with him because obviously I know him and it would just bring far too many feelings up for me, I dont need to see him again to know that he's alot worse looking than me for starters, not to mention the fact he's a complete loser in almost every other part of his life.

But yeah the fact that she went with him makes me know that she's just f*cked up, confused etc..

Im not just using my new friend as a means to escape i promise, i genuinely enjoy her company and its been great to reconnect with her after such a long time, ive been completely honest and open with her about all of this and she couldnt be more supportive and caring if she tried , she's my angel and I dont wanna f**k it up with her over my ex.

When I was thinking about her on the plane it was about what i'd lost, thinking about how good i used to think she looked, the sweet words she used to say to me.. and also, for some reason even though im over here in the UK, im still like "Its 7:00pm there now i know they'll be together" Im STILL doing that! WHY??!!!

My stupid mind thats why, I really think once I get back from here I might seek some professional help coz i really cant keep living my life pining after someone who doesnt want me, at least your ex wants to see you, im sure my ex would be happy to never see me again... maybe im wrong, who knows?

 

Im going out on the town tonight with a freind who lives here so yeah you never know what amazing things can happen and i'll suck it up and make the most of it!

Let me know how you go meeting your ex im still here for you if you need it.

Take care.

[allthewiser]

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[entityzero]

how you going allthewiser?

any updates or developments?

thinking of you.

[allthewiser]

hey gorge,

 

aww..thanx for the thoughts. same here. how r things with u? breaking the hearts of any aussie bar chicks?

 

decided NOT to see her tonight. dropped off some important things to her at her work. convo ended with her just walking away. whatever.

 

at home now having a beer and watching The Simpsons. Things will be a-ok.

[entityzero]

Hey sounds like you are quite content with things right now?

Thats really good, how do you feel your mindset is when your sitting around? Do you think about it alot?

I havent broken any hearts no but I had a great night anyway, I guess in a way if she didnt break up with me I would never of come over here so.. its kind of bitter sweet.

But im still mad at myself coz I still cant shake the thoughts, the jealousy, the loss, the anger..im really having trouble stopping it, I just think this whole experience has damaged my brain to some degree, or maybe my heart, or both?

I still feel sick at the thought of her and him spending time together, just... how could she enjoy his company more than mine? What made her decide to cut me out of her life completely in favour for him?

Is it me thats f**ked up or her? All these questions that keep coming up, when I should just be stoked to be on holiday, but part of me just wants to be at home in my room with the covers pulled over my head, its like i LIKE to wallow in this hell coz im so used to it by now..

<sigh>...i know eventually ill be a-ok aswell but its a long way off i think..

Sorry to crap on I know theres only so much you can do or say to help..

Feel free to take my email if you like? i dont mind putting it on here..

[email protected]

If not take care i'll post ya soon

[allthewiser]

hey there,

 

i'm glad to hear that you are starting to have good moments and enjoying some of your holiday (altho you'd rather be at home wallowing in misery). at least YOU AREN'T home wallowing and getting out there doing something! that is a great sign and just the beginning of more positive steps to come.

 

i can understand how you feel you should wallow in your own misery, but you can't do that. we can't do that. it's not that i am content (far from it), but i guess i have reached the stage of acceptance and healing, wheras you're still on your way. remember, my x moved out (to 'find' herself), last Sept, then cheated a few weeks later...so i think that i started grieving and knew it was over since then. i was just too follish to believe it. she broke my heart so much last yr, that at the moment there is nothing left to break, so my recovery is not so much easier, just more bearable (if that makes sense).

 

i really don't know how to stop you from thinking about her and him. its something that you have to pull from deep inside. perhaps try not to think with emotion, but everytime your thoughts drift to her, him, and the good times, focus on ALL the cr*p she put you thru, and ask yourself: "do i want her back? do i want to worry as to whether she'll f*ck me over again? when will it happen again?etc" when i got back together with my x, it actually f*cked me over more, bc i was always asking myself does she really love me? will she do it again? if so, when? it was the doubt and mistrust that was slowly ruining me, not her.

 

hope that helps some. i'm here for you. chin up, mate. and have a beer for me

 

i'll email you as soon as i set up an account.

[entityzero]

Hey so yeah ive been making more of an effort to not wallow around being that im on holiday so the last 2 days havent been as bad.

Last night i dreamt about her but for the first time, it didnt quite look like her and i was angry at her in my dream for some reason, but yeah it WAS her even though she looked different, i wonder what that means?

Ive also been trying to not attatch emotion to when i think about them, and also just think to myself well my life will be and is a s**t load better than hers anyway with her mundane job, mental issues etc haha..

I still miss her company but not so much being with her you know?

At least im trying to convince myself of that..

What you said definately made sense, everything you say makes sense i really cant thank you enough for your continued support and even though im damaged im here for you anytime aswell!

I'll have plenty of beer for you, hear from you soon