laurie1027 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 rbsperson in North Carolina- could you contact me at some point...your situation really hit home with me- i am about to be separated from someone I adored very much- but we have had a really rough relationship- really really rough over last month and a half....I would love your thoughts- something about your message just really struck me! Or if anyone else had any ideas....he is a Marine- very poor in communication and expressing his feelings- has anger issues (usually toward work)- we had a rough string of holidays and when he didn't do anything for me for Xmas I interpreted it as his not caring- I lost grip. Got really enraged and told him I wanted a divorce and many other mean, hurtful things for almost 2 days. Not to make excuses, but I had a really really stressful year (moved here so we could be together and things didn't work out very smoothly in the job realm, he was going to be deployed, we got married in October, buying a house, etc). I leaned really heavily on him. Now we have seen a marriage counselor a few times- but his family is unfortunately very involved and urging him to get out - they have said some pretty horrible things- that I know of- and God only knows what I don't know about. He calls them often in the middle of our fights- he runs away and doesn't come back for long periods of time- when we are really fighting that is. I thought it was just communication problems, both of us having tempers and his family getting too involved (his main support system)- but now we have both said even more horrible terrible things. We have also, I fear, gotten into some bad habits (not getting out to do enough things together, etc). Now he just says he wants to be done (and I've said the same thing)- "can't get divorced fast enough". He calls me crazy- I say he has no integrity....I think he's not stood up for me in front of his family.... Is this just beyond any slice of hope? He has really shut me out at this point. Thanks for reading Shannon
Gunny376 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 The Marine Corps can be especially demanding on a young married couple with little experience, knowledge, or skills with being married. Especially with such places as the Camp Lejune/Cherry Point. Be they officer or enlisted. Officer's have a slightly better advantage because they've been to college, make more money, and are generally more mature. Part of the problem is that both of you lack a support system, and he has more of one through work than you do. Trying to establish such a support system is hard, because you will find a lot of cat-fighting, back-stabbing, and bad mouthing among young enlisted wives? You will have to be wary of his so-called friends, because many of them are looking for a quick lay in an area that is scraced of available and willing women. They pretend their compassionate, caring, sympathic ~ but they're not. They just want to get into your pants while the old man is away. Commonly refered to in the barracks as "duty-station" @ss! They'll play you, use and abuse you ~ that is until their next set of orders comes through or they get their discharge papers. I would recommend your trying to finding yourself a staff NCO wive at church or through the local "Enlisted Wives Club" or church that you can speak with locally and who would be willing to take you under their wing, and guide you. They've been where your at, and no the ends and outs of the system. I would also recommend you and DH go to IC, MC, and anger mangement classes. Off-base! (TriCare will cover it), both individually and together. I would not recommend you rush into divorce. Most of this is just youth and immaturity. I would not recommend you stay in NC while he's deployed. Throw everything in storage and go back home for the time being. You'll go nuts while he's away, and there's too much temptation coming from all directions. You can trust a Marine with your money or your Life ~ but not your wife. Most Marines are natural PUA's (Pick-Up-Artists) ~ they have to be or at least how to be? When you get moved every three years you either get "game" or wither on the vine. Your DH already has a mistress, her name is the United States Marine Corps. The day-to-day stress is un-real, yet very real. Finally Goggle "Sgt Grit.com." its a paid site, that's selling a bunch of Marine stuff, but they do have a free fourm there, in which you will find other wives of Marines going thorugh and dealing with many of the issues that are unique to being married to a Marine, many of them in your local area. To make friends locally go to some of the local ball games, especially the soceer games on Saturday, and to the local churches. Stay out of the bars, I promise you! You didn't lose anything in there, and your not going to find antything in there. Especially the "TarHill Opery House" and "Silver and Gold" (There use to be two of them by the same name. One was a strip joint on the "back-gate" and one ran by a retired Marine SgtMaj downtown) And you definately want to stay out of the biker bars. Meanwhile, just calm down, chill out, take it easy! I've dealt with this for over twenty-years, (almost got stabbed in the heart with a pair of sissors by one of my Marine's wives getting in between her and him! Won't do that again! But seriously? Your going to have to decide? Are you a wife, or a Marine's wife? And the toughest job in the Corps? Is being a Marine's wife. And while you personally didn't join the Marine Corps? You did marry a Marine. Richland north of Jacksonville is a good nice little town. There's a resturant named "Aronlds" that has good food. P.S. The absolute worse thing you could do? Is question a Marine's honor and integrity? You lost major ground in slinging that dirt. You might as well slapped in in the face with a hand full of crap! To a Marine? Those are "fighting words" You hurt him really bad with that one, and its no surprise to me that he heads off for the back-forty after that. You know what "buttons" to push, and you pushed them!
Author laurie1027 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Really appreciate it...this has been unbelievably difficult...he says he just wants to move to divorce- we saw a marriage counselor 2 or 3 times and he is going to anger management- He says he still loves me but its unfixable at this point- I thought maybe moving out, giving him some space and both of us just working on getting ourselves on stable ground might help- maybe seeing a marriage counselor and dating on occasion? I'm really just lost at this point. I was really hurt because he didn't do anything for Xmas- and this time he's said some pretty horrible stuff too- but nothing that I don't think we are "beyond". He really is the love of my life- can't explain it- I'm just sure of it- I remember working in a VA in Tennessee and meeting this old couple who had been married like 50 years and doing the math to see if he and I could reach that number. I agree that I think we both have stuff to work out- and Im just now stable with a full time job- better support and less stress (financial and otherwise)- but sad that we have come to this. The one thing I would really love to pick your brain on - and why I said he has no integrity- is the family issue- so his mom hung up on me when I got enough courage to call his house- when he ran on Xmas (stayed gone for 11 days)- his sisters have said HORRIBLE things- not true- things and he's never defended me- although he says he has- Ive only seen the contrary. To me, I just couldn't believe it- there is my 6 foot handsome, amazing Marine husband not defending the woman who is supposed to be #1 in his life- it was just too much....like we weren't really partners when the going got tough- I called him many things- but no matter what- if someone said something about him that was not true- I always corrected them- because he IS still my husband. You have offered some really great insight- and I thank you kindly- the stress last year was unreal- he is now not being deployed and I've heard that you really cannot get divorced before a year here? Thanks for reading and thanks again for your help- I do think we both entered this with horrible communication, rocky individual ground and an immature idea of marriage- but I hate to throw it all away because we don't feel like fixing it- or at least trying our hardest! And thanks for the infidelity advice I would never stray- I think I'll probably just paint, read and hang out with friends more--although I have thought at times just dating and taking it easy would be nice THANKS SO MUCH Shannon
doomed Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 He says he still loves me but its unfixable at this point Horsepucky. If love really exists then everything is fixable. The issues that I run into is: Who needs to do what work ? How long will it take ? Are they or you up to that ? He has things to do. You have things to do. The thing about things to do is, you have to be ultra specific. If you want him to do something about the relationship then you have to able to say whether he did it, or not. He has to be able to know whether he's done it, or not. Same thing going the other way. That's why being specific is so important, IMO. Good luck doomed
Woggle Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I know that if my wife ever said she wanted a divorce there is no going back after that. That is something you just don't say to a man unless you mean it. That probably felt a knife to his heart. He is probably getting out while he can because he feels if he stays sooner or later you will leave or you will constantly be throwing resentment in his face over everything. Not saying that he is right but to a man this is what it looks like. If you really do want him back I would suggest you try and see it from his point of view.
Gunny376 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 A LOT of what your dealing with is "pre-deployment" jitters. "I would rather divorce you than leave you as a widow? I would say that's most of what your dealing with? Its a form of "surviors remorse" only reverse? Thus where the anger is coming from. The stress from both sides? You guys love each other a lot!
Gunny376 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 As a matter of fact that's where 90%+ of this is coming from! Pre-deployment stress! He's guilty over leaving you, and possibly never coming back, and your guilted over not being there enough for him and anger over his possibily never coming back? Guilt and anger over his leaviing you (His guilt/your anger) Your not suppose to feel anger? He's not suppose to feel guilt ~ but you do? Thus the conflict of emotions between the two?
Gunny376 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Hate to say it? But are you a wife? Or a Marines' wife? The hardest job in the Marine Corps is that of a Marine's wife!
Gunny376 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Really appreciate it...this has been unbelievably difficult...he says he just wants to move to divorce- we saw a marriage counselor 2 or 3 times and he is going to anger management- He says he still loves me but its unfixable at this point- I thought maybe moving out, giving him some space and both of us just working on getting ourselves on stable ground might help- maybe seeing a marriage counselor and dating on occasion? I'm really just lost at this point. I was really hurt because he didn't do anything for Xmas- and this time he's said some pretty horrible stuff too- but nothing that I don't think we are "beyond". He really is the love of my life- can't explain it- I'm just sure of it- I remember working in a VA in Tennessee and meeting this old couple who had been married like 50 years and doing the math to see if he and I could reach that number. I agree that I think we both have stuff to work out- and Im just now stable with a full time job- better support and less stress (financial and otherwise)- but sad that we have come to this. The one thing I would really love to pick your brain on - and why I said he has no integrity- is the family issue- so his mom hung up on me when I got enough courage to call his house- when he ran on Xmas (stayed gone for 11 days)- his sisters have said HORRIBLE things- not true- things and he's never defended me- although he says he has- Ive only seen the contrary. To me, I just couldn't believe it- there is my 6 foot handsome, amazing Marine husband not defending the woman who is supposed to be #1 in his life- it was just too much....like we weren't really partners when the going got tough- I called him many things- but no matter what- if someone said something about him that was not true- I always corrected them- because he IS still my husband. You have offered some really great insight- and I thank you kindly- the stress last year was unreal- he is now not being deployed and I've heard that you really cannot get divorced before a year here? Thanks for reading and thanks again for your help- I do think we both entered this with horrible communication, rocky individual ground and an immature idea of marriage- but I hate to throw it all away because we don't feel like fixing it- or at least trying our hardest! And thanks for the infidelity advice I would never stray- I think I'll probably just paint, read and hang out with friends more--although I have thought at times just dating and taking it easy would be nice THANKS SO MUCH Shannon All I see here is one fully loaded out~fully rucked out Marine hugging and crying his eyes out Marine to his be-loved getting on a C-130 on a long trip to Iraq. Go home! He loves you! He just doesn't want to make you a widow! He loves you so much, he willing to make you hate him! He loves you that much! He's thinking "I'm probally going to get killed, so I'll make her hate me ~ so she'll suffer less if I die in Iraq?" Stand by your man!
TrustInYourself Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Love isn't a feeling. It's a choice. The feelings come when you make the right choices. My wife would have never loved me, if I spit in her face the first time we met. I chose not to. I chose to be charming. I chose to flirt. I chose, just like she chose. He's making a choice now to move on. Why are you content with being with someone who says he is over you? I can tell you this. Pleading, begging, chasing, etc. is worthless behavior if you want someone to fall back in love with you. You want a chance? Move on with your life. Let him wonder about you and miss you. If it is meant to be, he will come back to you. Take care.
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