Rekindling a relationship: good or bad idea?

[Mr Nice Guy]

Hi,

 

I've got this problem where I still like this girl I'm friends with and previously had a relationship with. I'm not sure if anyone else has had a similar problem, but I'll post it anyway. I've found similar situations and some good advice, but I thought I might get some opinions specific to my situation. It's a bit long so bear with me.

 

As I said I still like this girl I became friends with from work. I've know her for just over two years. We used to work in hospitality for the same boss but in two different restaurants owned by the same boss in the same shopping complex, and we saw each other just about every day. The whole thing began in about March 2007 when I initially had no interest in her because of I thought the people in her restaurant were snobs, but I got the chance to know her when one of the managers asked me to help send her home from work one night because she didn't have a licence at the time. I kept driving her home for next six months. I gradually began to like her and told her one evening. She returned the feelings. We became a couple, though we didnt have to say we were, because it was obvious to us, everyone at work and our friends. We spent most of our time away from work together, sat on work lunch breaks together, teased each other playfully and told each other things that we wouldnt tell others. But it came to an abrupt halt after one incident after work one night.

 

The incident happened in October when it was the birthday of one of her femal workmates. Before work, we got her friend a cake and that night after work before the cake came it out, a manager asked to me to quickly drop some of our co-workers home because they had to be somewhere and they lived nearby. I decided to do the favour, but instead of telling my girlfriend where I was going and how long, I just left my bad where I knew she would see it and make the connection that I was coming back. This was my big mistake, and the one I still regret to this day, but more on that later. I thought she would still be at work longer than the 10 minutes I took but they had already left. I texted and called her few times, until I remembered that she forgot her phone that morning. She replied when she got home saying that I "full on disappeared" and that I "abandoned" her.

 

For about a month and a half after that, our relationship went icy and it got worse during that time when I asked why. Things only began to improve a few weeks later when one of our managers talked to both of us separately and told her that all I was doing was just trying to hellp those people get home. At the same time, he told me that I should just foget about her because I was too good for her. I decided to cool the relationship for a while just to see how things went. She began to show some signs of forgiveness and friendship when I ran into her in town the next January on my birthday. I decided to continue keeping things cool for about another six-seven months and we began becoming friends and talking again. Eventually, I slowly began to ask her out again.

 

Things had really improved since and when we go out, no matter what we did we would have heaps of fun together, but we did so as friends. Since December last year, we have been spending a lot of time together and talking a lot and right into a public holiday long weekend when I had my birthday, something we had a lot of fun at. Throughout the whole time, there have been flashes of how we were before as a couple. Since though there's been little contact, mostly because she's been hard to reach because she's been really busy (she's working two jobs, has her sister's wedding this at the end of this month and uni clases coming up). There's also occasional flashes of coldness on her part, which I suppose is natural because of things in her personal life which have nothing to do with me, even though things have gotten much better between us since the blowout.

 

I still regret my decision and logic from that October night and I think it marred our relationship and continues to disturb our friendship. I asked several friends about how they would've felt if it happened to them and they said they would be upset, but would forgive and let it go, since they saw it as not as significant a mistake to hold onto, unlike cheating.

 

So, now my problem. I still feel really strongly about this girl, we're back to being really, really good friends and there are glimpses of the relationship we had before. I want to try and make things work and gradually progress it back to the relationship we had before. I know she doesnt have a boyfriend. I want to tell her that I want to try again, but I have my doubts and fears about whether its worth it, what would happen if anything like this happens again and most of all, losing it all. One of her closest older friends, who was a former work colleage with both of us has told me not o give up on her and I don't want to either. Right now, she hasn't said anything about any kind of relationship. I still seriously like her and care for her, but I'm scared of scaring her off, upsetting her or smothering her and thus ruin everything we've restored. I want her back badly, but I do want to take things slowly.

 

Am I stuck in friendship territory? Should I move on or keep gradually building on the friendship and let her know that I still have feelings? She's an amazing girl, one I still like a lot not just becaue of her looks (and she is pretty)and wild party girl side, but also one I treat with a lot of respect because of her intelligence, self-respect, courage, heart, sensibility and independence.

 

Sorry about the length of my post but I thought it was necessary to give the whole story. I hope it all makes some sense. All opinions and advice are valued.

[bella23]

The only thing I can tell you is that if you don't ask you'll never know and you'll be in doubt. If you really want to rekindle things, give it another try and if she just wants to stay friends than it's time to let things go.

[o_hopeless_o]

I say take a chance but also you must figure out if she is worth it since you questioned it, but it sounds like it is to me. With every relationship we always have to wear our hearts on our sleeves no matter what. I say tell her your feelings and take it from there ! but of course keeping building what you have and find the right moment to talk it out. good luck love.

[Mr Nice Guy]

Thanks bella23 and o hopeless o for your advice, I really appreciate all of it.

 

I agree with asking her and telling her how I feel...I've wanted to do so for a while. Unfortunately though it seems a bit more complicated than what I made it out to be. And right now after thinking it through for a few days, I'm seriously considering ending it, not just the possibility of the second chance at a relationship, but also the friendship, even though that's really not what I want to do. In my attempt to condense my story as much as I could before, despite the length I might have oversimplified my explanation a bit.

 

I said I had doubts about if it would be worth it and what would happen if anything like this happens again. I got a bit of a glimpse of it recently and my concerns come from that incident.

 

Since my birthday, I gave her some space because she's had a lot on: 2 jobs, her sister's wedding and uni. The problems seemed to begin again without warning on Sunday 1st Feb when we were talking online and I made a comment that I heard her new friend who worked at our former workplace since last year had just quit. After a "yer" in acknowledgement about it from her, I said as a joke that "Roger (our former boss) wasn't too pleased about it :P" (I said it like that, with the smilie face). Her leaving was a long running inside joke about work: because of the problems with management staff they've been having, staff were leaving. Anyway, she replied with "and who gives a s**t if roger wasnt pleased...so what". I told her it was meant to be a joke. After asking if she was ok for the second time, which she said she was, I ended the conversation not long after, saying Ill leave her alone now, if she didn't feel like talking. There was no reply.

 

Like I said, I gave her some space and she was also hard to reach a bit that first week after my birthday. I didn't see her again until last Thursday, the first time since the previous weekend. It was then I noticed something was wrong. We were both visiting an old workmate of ours at the same time who was in hospital recovering from a stroke. She came with her newly resigned friend. Neither of us knew that the other was going to be there. She began acting cold and rather serious towards me in the hospital ward as well as walking down the hallway to the parking lot, where I was walking on her right and she slightly turned to her left towards her friend talking to her, almost shunning me.

 

Here I'm confused. What I don't get is I haven't done anything hurt or upset her that I know of and she's annoyed with me. I feel like I've been made a target of all supposed things gone wrong. If it was about giving her space, I was trying to be understanding. I tried to reach her a bit during those past two weeks, but she was busy. She has a lot on, she's been spending time with her new friend and we hadn't gotten serious because we were still just friends. If it was about that comment, but I gave her every indication it was a joke, but sometimes online communication has its problems when people try to express what they're thinking. Or she's playing me hot and cold. Or have I read too much into it all? Otherwise I have no clue for the life of me what happened because we have been treating each other as good friends, and now its hard talking to her once again.

 

Yes, sure I still really like her and want to tell her, but I'm beginning to think it's not worth it because I feel like I might be setting myself up for some unwanted hurt, distress and perhaps therapy. But your advice that we should talk it through poses a problem for me: she's not forthcoming about what's on her mind and that makes problems hard to work out. I asked a friend about it and she said I have to ask her what's making her mad at me. I feel though I can ask all I want, but I know I may not get an answer and the more I push it'll turn out like the first time. I've been supportive, been there for her when she felt abandoned by her best friend (who she deleted as a friend off Facebook and considers no longer a friend) and when she said she really missed her friend in hospital. Even though I ask her if she's okay (and she tells me she's fine), her body language and tone's telling me something different. I'm worried about her acting this way if we're still friends or together, every time there's a problem or mistake made, no matter how big or small, my fault of not. I'm hoping this annoyance is nothing, that its not just me, that it'll pass and that it's a "time of the month" thing (no offence intended, but if there is I apologise). Apart from that, she is still a really great girl, I still haven't given up on her, though I have been starting to think about it and think about if staying around her is really worth all the trouble.

 

Once again I hope this all makes sense (I'm reeling a bit). What do you think is going on? Thoughts, comments, advice and help are all greatly appreciated.