LEANER1 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Where to begin, well it started with my wife having an affair. I wound up forgiving her. She was in contact with the guy she cheated with even after she said she wasn't. Couseling began and she again said there would be no contact. LIE LIE LIE. Now, we are about a month into counseling and she says she wants a separation. This came out of nowhere because I thought counseling would actually work. This actually hurts more than when she cheated. The thought of not only being alone but without her has caught me so off guard that my head is spinning. It may be sad that I feel this way but for nearly 10 years now she had been my best friend. I know best friends don't do that to each other but I have forgiven her....... now this. What should I do or how should I feel? HELP
dead-dyke Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I would find what situation your's best describes, and read the articles. You don't have to buy anything. There's other sites too, like marriage builders. There will be lots of advice given to you, all w/ a different slant. Your situation sounds early enough to drive into a direction YOU wish it to. Listen to people here, and take it w/ a grain of salt if it's not what you agree with, but the best course of action from here on out, will be YOUR reaction. Stay strong.
imagine Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Hi Leaner, Everything you've said is standard for a wayward wife (WW). Standard response is exposure, establish emotional needs of WW away from other man - meet them. Read the articles at marriagebuilders.com. Find out about Plan A and Plan B. Ask us details you don't understand.
doomed Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 This sucks. At this point at least she's being honest with you and herself by wanting to separate, except if she wants to pursue her relationship with the OM, then she should be divorcing you and setting you free to find somebody worth your time. If she's looking for time to decide, she's putting you in competition with the OM and you should take the decision away from her and file yourself. You forgave her affair, which shows huge character on your part. She maintained contact with the OM and lied, which says something of her character. Have a look at this: http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse%27s-Trust-After-an-Affair and honestly evaluate how she did. How should you feel ? Betrayed, pissed off, distrustful, confused, angry, lost, alone all work and are normal. You can get through this. You will get through this. You will feel better, but its gonna take some time.
Mountains10 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Where to begin, well it started with my wife having an affair. I wound up forgiving her. She was in contact with the guy she cheated with even after she said she wasn't. Couseling began and she again said there would be no contact. LIE LIE LIE. Now, we are about a month into counseling and she says she wants a separation. This came out of nowhere because I thought counseling would actually work. This actually hurts more than when she cheated. The thought of not only being alone but without her has caught me so off guard that my head is spinning. It may be sad that I feel this way but for nearly 10 years now she had been my best friend. I know best friends don't do that to each other but I have forgiven her....... now this. What should I do or how should I feel? HELP Leaner, I wouldn't be so quick to forgive, she messed up and it's going to take more than a couple of weeks to forgive her. When my wife moved out of our house, I thought it would be horrible, but it actually felt a lot better. I think you will feel a huge weight lifted off of you. Don't let her see you hurt by this event. Let her see nothing but you being happy and moving on with your life. I know it sounds awful, but she needs to know that she can't make you miserable. You need to show her nothing but a content person. You can be upset, just don't let her see that. Start working on the 180 of yourself as well. Get in shape, get out and start doing more things on your own. You'll feel better and it won't bother you as much.
Gowithflow Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Sorry to hear about your troubles. Lies are the worst. Her heart is no longer in it. Sounds like she now has a "knight in shining armor". The armor will tarnish. She will have regrets. The advice part... You have been burned, but be very careful how you react. Take the high road whenever possible and avoid dragging other people into it. Do not beg or grovel. Let her figure things out for herself. Be there if she wants to talk, but let her do the talking. God gave us a mouth that shuts and ears that don't for a reason. As others will tell you, you will be ok but it will take time. Work on yourself. You will feel very alone at times so stay busy. Read! Workout! If things don't pan out for you just say "it was good...then it wasn't good" and try to move on in steps.
TrustInYourself Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Agree to the separation, push for divorce. Agree the marriage isn't working. Stop fighting and start agreeing. Support her desire to be truthful to herself. Someone that wants to escape, will keep feeling that desire if you fight them. Show them the door and she will start questioning herself. I am guessing it was your idea for counseling?
Recommended Posts