princessdee Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I don't know where to begin but I'll try and keep it as short as I can. I'm in my early 20's and been in a relationship with a MM for just over 2 years, he's in his early 50's, 32 years older than me. He has 2 grown up kids, 1 older than me and grandchildren. One of his children knows about us and is fine with it as long as his happy. Basically when we 1st met it wasn't intended to be a serious relationship on both our parts and he was upfront that he was married etc with no intention of leaving is wife and I didn't want him to and at the time I was going through a rough patch, had been in a bad relationship and didn't want anything serious but just more like friendship. But over the last year or so we've fallen in love and I now want him all to myself. He travels all the time because of his job and I've been at university and just recently graduated so seeing each other hasn't been a problem and I often go away with him on his business trips and he actually spends more time with me than he does at home. But despite this I feel it's not enough, I practically want to be with him 24/7 and miss so much when we are apart. We do so many things together like going out for dinner etc, go to the cinema, often go on weekends away with something different to do all the time. We enjoy each other's company very much and ee spend special occasions together like our birthdays together and even valentines day and we're going away this valentines again. I'm genuinely in love with him and I know he feels the same and cares about me by all the things he does for me - not material things, I mean like always being there when I need him emotionally, like if I'm having a bad day I know I can call him and he'll pick up the phone and listen and understand. Whilst at university I was going through a rough time with family stuff etc to the point I wanted to drop out but he was always there to support and encourage me and I ended up graduating top of my class. He cares about my future and always gives me advice and support career wise etc so I know he genuinely cares about me. I'm not with him for financial reasons, I'm independent and even though he always offers I've always had job whilst at uni and paid my own bills etc and never ask him for money, what he gives me are gifts which he wants to give me. It's so bad that I cry all the time when I'm not with him and recently when we’re not together I've found myself sending him texts and calling him all the time asking where he is and what he's doing just because I miss him so much and want to hear his voice all the time etc. He makes me so happy and when I'm with him I'm always laughing and just seem like a different person. I can’t imagine my life without him and I know I'll never find anyone who makes feel the way he does. I know he won't leave his wife and I've asked him a couple of times and he's said he can’t coz it'd hurt her and his family etc. He says to me he loves me and cares about me but doesn’t want to hurt me coz he knows I want more of his attention but he can't give it me. I just don't know, I mean I know I'll never have him all to myself coz he wont leave his wife but I want and need more of him but I cant have that . I asked him recently who his ‘number 1’ is between me and his wife and he said his wife. I was really hurt but in a way I guessed that’s what he’d say. I just don’t know how long I can go on being the OW but at the same time I’m scared I won’t find someone who cares about me and loves me the way he does so maybe I guess I just have to accept the way things are. I just don’t know. I’ve just graduated and will soon be starting a really great job but I just wish my love life wasn’t as complicated but I suppose I can’t have it all. I know I'm the only one who can change it, I guess I just needed to get if off my chest.
jj33 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 If you read the other posts, you will see you are not alone. You have fallen in love with someone who is not available and the situation is not going to change. When you are ready. You will have to pull away from him. You are in your early 20s. You have a great job. Its awful to be heartbroken but nothing is going to change by staying where you are. And little hint - he SAYS he doesnt want to hurt you, but he took up with a fabulous young woman with her whole life ahead of her and he is taking the best years of your life. Dont let him do that. If he REALLY loved you and had your best interests in mind, he would walk away. Its normal to think you will never meet anyone like him. If he were single and he broke up with you, you might feel that way too. But you will. We always think we wont meet anyone as great and in time we always do. Particurly when you are young and just out of school. It may not be exactly the same but it will be wonderful in different ways. Mostly because you wont have the rollercoaster of the longing and anguish. Noone needs that in their life.
TOWinNYC Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I’m scared I won’t find someone who cares about me and loves me the way he does so maybe I guess I just have to accept the way things are. I truly understand the fear of thinking you may not find someone else who makes you feel the way he does. But don't forget - you are SO YOUNG. Even though it'll just seem like a line right now, you really do have YOUR WHOLE LIFE ahead of you. Every person in the world can (easily) say "get rid of him" but chances are, you're going to let this play out the way it will. You don't have to "accept things the way they are" but you don't have to get rid of him either. But don't let this 50-something MM stop you from dating other boys your own age - because that will be a shame. Even if it's just casual, go for that drink, have lunch or dinner, go to the movies, meet them for coffee etc. At best you'll find someone who you can have a "future" with (do you want to be married? Have kids?) and at the very least you might find a good friend. The worst thing for you to do is to put your own life on hold for him. That's my two cents.
Lucky_One Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I’m scared I won’t find someone who cares about me and loves me the way he does I hope you don't. I hope you find someone in an appropriate age bracket who is free and unattached, and can partner with you in a happy and healthy relationship - because THAT is what love should be.
NoIDidn't Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 princessdee, PLEASE don't take this the wrong way! After reading the OP, I felt that this 50-something-year old man thinks "she's cute". I mean, I'm not anywhere near 50, but it would annoy me to no end to receive pointless texts about where I am and what I am doing all the time. So I got the feeling that he tolerates it because you're "cute". Look, he's told you that his W is his number one priority right now. And his child knowing about you and being cool with it only means one thing: that he cheats on his W alot and is not likely to stop (believe me, my dad was the same way and I learned to look the other way too). I would hate for his W to find out and for you to find out what his W being his "number one" looks like and means for you. He claims that he doesn't want to hurt you, but he is and he will further. Like others have already said "you are so young" and "you have your whole life ahead of you". Its true. One day you will look back on this relationship and think "dirty old man" - I've got one of these in my closet too (not as old, mind you). You don't have to be lost, princessdee.
Author princessdee Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Thankyou for all the replies. Everything all of you said is what my friends tell me all the time and deep down I know you're all right. I just want to be able to come home everyday from work and spend time with my partner and know that he'll be there for me 24/7. There are so many places I'd love to see around the world and I've been saving up but although he travels a lot with his work its not overseas and he says he couldnt go away with me overseas because if there was an emergency at home he wouldn't be able to get back in time etc. As much as I love him,in the long run I'll just have to find the courage to beak up with him and maybe we just remain friends because he means so much to me and has been there for me when no one else has so I don't think I could just completly shut him out of my life.
jj33 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Not the long run. The short run. If you wait for the long run you could be 27 and still in an affair. Do you want to end up like KG? Wasting your 20s on a man you can never have? Its no different than breaking up with a single guy. If you were dating someone single and he was living with someone else, would you put up with that? this is no different. He cant give you what you want. Bottom line is there may be love there, but you have different agendas and goals. His top priority is his family. You want a man whose top priority is you and cant go away with his family because YOu may need him. not the other way around. Its not easy when he is still there offering you his love such as it is and you are staring into a void. But it must be done.
Lucky_One Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 "I just want to be able to come home everyday from work and spend time with my partner and know that he'll be there for me 24/7." Then an EMA is the last thing you need to be involved in. For an EMA to be an EMA, there has to be at least one formerly committed partner - it's just the definition. You can't have a full-time partner while he is married to someone else. At least he is honest with you about his wife; I would really be mad with this geezer if he was promising you the moon and stars while having no intention of following through. Another poster talked about one child knowing and accepting? He/she may accept that his dad likes to get him some young strange, but he/she may very well never accept a divorce and a new stepmother younger than he/she is.
noforgiveness Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 So basicallly his wife is the same age as your mother. How would you feel about a woman doing this to your mother? How would you feel if your dad had a woman younger than you? Although I am guessing you are from a dysfunctional homelife as are most ow.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I'm in my early 20's and been in a relationship with a MM for just over 2 years, he's in his early 50's, 32 years older than me. He has 2 grown up kids, 1 older than me and grandchildren. This guy has made his life already and he has told you he has no intention of leavning his wife. You are clearly the OW in his life. You fill a need of his that isn't getting met at home. If you want him then accept your role as just the OW. If you want MORE from him, just know he is not capable of giving you what you truly desire, you're better off ending it and healing, and then when you're ready, find a single man, closer to your age to start a life with. Being with an older guy, he's been around block a bunch more times than you. You're young and still growing, trust me, you will change SO MUCH in your 20's.. Last thing you want is to be 30 years old and he'll be getting ready to retire, let alone possibly have health issues.. He more than likely won't want to have more children either. One of his children knows about us and is fine with it as long as his happy. Did your MM tell you this or have you actually met this child who says he/she is OK with your affair? Anyway, you're in for a world of hurt if you stay on this path.
Meaplus3 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 My goodness Princess you are so very young and this man has lived more than half of his life. You still have so much time ahead of you. Why fixate yourself on a man who is MARRIED and could just about qualify to be your grandpa? Really, you should simply forget about him.. and get out there and find yourself a single man who can devote ALL of his love and attention to you because YOU deserve that. Mea:)
Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I ended up graduating top of my class I don't get it. How can someone so obviously accomplished feel that the shadow life of an OW is what she deserves? Don't you want more for yourself ? Mr. Lucky
desertmoon Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I don't get it. How can someone so obviously accomplished feel that the shadow life of an OW is what she deserves? Don't you want more for yourself ? Mr. Lucky I don't know if she believes this is all she deserves. As a matter of fact, her whole problem is because I think she believes she deserves more from the MM. She is taking what is being given to her. Why? because she is "in love" and love can be irrational- It's so bad that I cry all the time when I'm not with him and recently when we’re not together I've found myself sending him texts and calling him all the time asking where he is and what he's doing just because I miss him so much and want to hear his voice all the time etc. He makes me so happy and when I'm with him I'm always laughing and just seem like a different person. I can’t imagine my life without him and I know I'll never find anyone who makes feel the way he does. I know he won't leave his wife and I've asked him a couple of times and he's said he can’t coz it'd hurt her and his family etc. He says to me he loves me and cares about me but doesn’t want to hurt me coz he knows I want more of his attention but he can't give it me. There is nothing more annoying than somebody who is this clingy. First, it is cute, then it is just annoying. Please know that when you make yourself that much available to him, your value goes down. Supply and demand.
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