whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 But...I also firmly believe that her love for me is far, far stronger than anything there for him. Ofcourse it is. What she felt for the OM was purely based on in the moment stuff, and it was all about her and him. No outside life, daily stuff. It was all fantasy and good feelings. That cannot compare to what you have with her, a whole life together, the history between you two, friends, family, and the kids. Feelings of deep affection/emotional attachment isn't the same as long lasting love.
TOWinNYC Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Ofcourse it is. What she felt for the OM was purely based on in the moment stuff, and it was all about her and him. No outside life, daily stuff. It was all fantasy and good feelings. That cannot compare to what you have with her, a whole life together, the history between you two, friends, family, and the kids. Feelings of deep affection/emotional attachment isn't the same as long lasting love. For OWL it may be true - that his W's feelings for him are stronger than for the OM. But I don't think it's true across the board in every single A situation. Just as every A is different, each player within the A (WS, BS, and OP) and the interaction between them is going to affect the outcome. While I'm sure all BS would like to think that A-feelings are "fantasy" and "not based on real life" and there is absolutely no way it can possibly compare to what the M holds (history, family, friends, kids) that's not necessarily true - it all depends on the components. And as far as "Feelings of deep affection/emotional attachment isn't the same as long lasting love" - you can't say that every A-feeling is just affection/attachment (although the majority might be). And just because something is long lasting doesn't mean that it's love. On the contrary, I think it's the other way around - that something long lasting has a tendency to lean towards affection/attachment type love than heady passionate love. Lets not disregard the fact that some people are TRULY meant to be with each other (A or not), and they're in a "situation" because that's the way the cards were dealt.
Author jj33 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 On the contrary, I think it's the other way around - that something long lasting has a tendency to lean towards affection/attachment type love than heady passionate love. Not to disagree but I must. Agree that every BS would like to think the A wasnt "real" and that is why the WS stayed. Sometimes yes sometimes no as my story showed... He would have left notwithstanding all the things that one would think would make him stay. But affectionate attachment is in the pyschological literature a deeper love than lust/passion falling in love type love. So to be a nit picker, perhaps the terms are not being used properly. But it doesnt really matter. This is not about who is loved more or who has the stronger bond (why do so many threads disintegrate into that nasty competition...) Some people leave. Some dont. The point is the A has a long lasting effect on all parties involved. Good in some ways - some people experience a love they never thought possible, some marriages are strengthened and repaired afterwards. And bad. We all know the bad.
TOWinNYC Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 But affectionate attachment is in the pyschological literature a deeper love than lust/passion falling in love type love. True, but isn't it possible for the A to be both affectionate attachment and lust/passion - especially if it's long term (like a decade)? Does it have to be an and/or situation? But it doesnt really matter. This is not about who is loved more or who has the stronger bond (why do so many threads disintegrate into that nasty competition...) Sorry, that wasn't my intention. Just wanted to point out that every A is different and nothing is as B&W, neat & tidy, able to be placed in a box as we'd like it to be. Some people leave. Some dont. The point is the A has a long lasting effect on all parties involved. Good in some ways - some people experience a love they never thought possible, some marriages are strengthened and repaired afterwards. Well said JJ, well said.
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