joh2141 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Initiating no contact is fine, but not replying to when she initiates contact means you aren't exactly doing well if that's what you care about. If it's something important and something worth replying to, then go for it but never initiate contact. I mean, if you never reply and keep ignoring her, that makes you the "douchebag" and makes you the bad guy. In my opinion, I wouldn't really be so... closed out from the person but it isn't a wrong path to take.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Well, she hasn't contacted me since and I think it's hit home now, I can't see her contacting me anymore, I knew that deleting her from facebook would be the last straw and now especially since I've done that she's convinced herself that I was in the wrong about everything, this is what she's been waiting for, for me to react in some sort of way so that she can justify everything she's done, and now she has it so good luck to her! That's what she's wanted for so long - an excuse to say "look I told you so, I told you he's been horrible to me" bla bla bla I do feel sorry for her because she will struggle in life, not many people will put up with this type of dysfunctional and controlling behaviour, she's subjected me to mental torture during the relationship (lack of any intimacy and having that emotional affair), always making me feel on edge because she was so moody all of the time. I remember once I asked her "is it me or are you like this with others" and she replied with "it's not you, this is how I am like with everybody". As long as she remains convinced that I've always been the bad guy, then she won't contact me. However, if she starts to "grow up" and stop acting like a spoilt child in which somehow realises that in a relationship it's actually a 50-50 thing, then she "may" get back in touch with me with a pleading note saying how sorry she's been for treating me like an arse. I doubt that will happen, infact, I can't see it happenening as I know her too well. The only time I can see this happening (which is what I have to be wary of) is if things don't work out with her ex and she finds that she's actually alone with nobody (or she meets some really rough people who won't put up with her behaviour) then she may try to contact me. I can see a closure now, that's the good thing and I know I deserve so much better than what I was subjected to in the last year. I just want to urge other people here that if you're in a similar situation whereby you're in a very controlling and destructive relationship, please do something about it because I left it for so long which was completely unecessary since I saw the alarm bells ring 6 months ago.
Dolorian Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I do feel sorry for her because she will struggle in life, not many people will put up with this type of dysfunctional and controlling behaviour, she's subjected me to mental torture during the relationship (lack of any intimacy and having that emotional affair), always making me feel on edge because she was so moody all of the time. I remember once I asked her "is it me or are you like this with others" and she replied with "it's not you, this is how I am like with everybody". First of all, I don't know where you are from but I have the feeling we two would be great friends. I read this whole thread and I admire what you did, as I am in the exact same position you were. Just that I am weak and took the other road. I need a buddy like you to help me, as none of my friends here will understand this situation. After my ex broke up with we stayed friends while she went back to her ex-bf. They were together for a week, when she suddenly called me and told me what a big idiot she is. Her ex-bf wanted not to stay in town so he moved away. She was crying and devastated. I helped her and we became friends with benefits. We hung out a lot and SHE actually considered dating me again. She knew I still loved her and actually still do. Well, her ex came back again after a few months and she was back with him in a matter of days. Throwing me in the corner, telling me I smother her and I don't give her any room. Again, a few days later a phone call. She is done with him. She always goes back to him (that's her saying that). She wants to change her phone number, deleted him from facebook. Yet, she contacted him again. They had not a lot but a few text/email exchanges from what I know. She told me she didn't talk or text to him a week now and we were friends again (with even occasional benefits). On Thursday we were supposed to have a movie night, but she said she has to sub as a teacher for someone. I said, ok that's fine with me. However, yesterday I found out that she actually met up with her ex once again. They talked and wanted to remain friends and went to a movie together. They agreed not to date for right now. I flipped complety out on her. First, she lied right into my face. Second, she met with her ex whom I hate with a passion. She knows how I feel about her talking to him. Yes, we are not dating or anything, and I'm the only one who still has feelings (she consideres me just a friend but yet keeps inviting me over and makes out with me-only because I'm always here as I found out during our heated conversation yesterday). I know it's just a matter of time until they are back together. She apologized for lying to me but I told her that it's not just that easy. She said she feels smothered because I'm always here and I'm like a protective dad who will never allow her to move on. I told her that I haven't been over at her place for a week and I rarely text and call. I let her do whatever she likes. I told her I'm fine with her moving on but not with that a**hole. She then told me that she can do whatever she likes and if that means to be hurt by her ex then so be it. And this is what I couldn't understand. I'm her best friend yet she has to lie to me about meeting with him. She said she knew I will react like this and that's why she made it up. I told her that she threw our friendship outta the window but she kept yelling at me that it's not her fault that she doesn't want to date me. And yes I understand it, but I hoped for a spark of compassion. She knows how I feel about her, so at least let me know if you are going to meet other people. Is that too much to ask? She always asks me about women who write me text or write on my facebook wall so why can I not ask her? Wow, sorry, I just had to let all this out. I'm overanalyzing and I should've just moved on. Just like you. NC right away. I thought she's the one. But I'm just toyed with. I don't how many threads I wrote on this forum about our "relationship". Yet, I'm always back and puts me under mental torture within a week. And I sit there and listen to her problems and her pain from not contacting her ex. I just don't know why I'm so attached to her. I really love and open up doors for her never thought possible. I treat her like a princess and always support her decisions. I have been through everything with her. We both know everyhting about each other, even things I never told anyone before. I'm just not strong enough to go NC with her. Help me lilmrcheerful. Punch some sense into me. Maybe that's what I need.
slimjim Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 man, just let it go and move on. her power is in keeping you on a string and dancing at her will. NC means NC--i dont care what happens. i dont care if armagedon is coming and she has Jesus' address!! NC lets you get over it, plus it kills a lying bi.... like this because she cant get in the last word. plus, in about 2 or 3 weeks, it will feel like you just took a HUGE CRAP that felt so good your pants now fit better...........then on to the next life!!! just stay strong and determined. no need to anguish over this heffer because she will never change and is not worth it. later dude!!!!
Dolorian Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 man, just let it go and move on. her power is in keeping you on a string and dancing at her will. NC means NC--i dont care what happens. i dont care if armagedon is coming and she has Jesus' address!! NC lets you get over it, plus it kills a lying bi.... like this because she cant get in the last word. plus, in about 2 or 3 weeks, it will feel like you just took a HUGE CRAP that felt so good your pants now fit better...........then on to the next life!!! just stay strong and determined. no need to anguish over this heffer because she will never change and is not worth it. later dude!!!! Thanks man. You are right. I have to learn NOT to care.
Dolorian Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Little update on my situation: She came back from work and didn't talk to me once. I asked her what her problem is and she told me she isn't comfortable around me right now. So I told her I will leave her place and go back home. Then she told me I'm immature. I laughed and told her that she is full of crap. She is the one who lied to me in the first place. I should be more upset about this than anything. I told her she can call her ex-bf and screw him, because apparently that's all she cares about. Our friendship means nothing to her. I opened the door, turned around and told her "good to know you" and left. It's very ****ty this happened. I'm not in the greatest of moods. I know it's all for the better but right now it doesn't help. ****!
slimjim Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 no, you dont have to learn not to care or become an emotional desert of a person. just dont waste your time and care on her because she doesnt deserve it. find someone worth it and share with them. just be thankful you found out about her now instead of later. ITS CALLED DATING!!! thats what its about, to learn about the other person in all their moods and situations. so consider this to be a lucky thing--you can convince yurself that she can change or whatever, but you know in your head she wont. just keep the NC and spend your time with someone more productive. you will find what you are looking for, just dont try to look too hard. it will come to you at the right time. later
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