lilmrcheerful Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 OK, seems like we are finally getting somewhere. Broke up 3 weeks ago, she dumped me for what I suspect was her going back with her ex. Her stuff is still at my place. Almost 3 weeks of NC but then she started texting me a lot of nothingness, mainly formal stuff in which I mostly blanked but on some I had to reply, but they were just passing comments. Tonight though, I can see a closure now because she finally text me with a date of when she's picking up her stuff, in a weeks time. I said to her that's fine and everything is in the spare room so no need to roam around the place. I then said I'd prefer not to be there but she said "it would be nice", but i replied saying "i'd rather not if that's OK" and she replied "Oh OK, that's fine". That was the last word on the matter. Have I handled it well? What kind of message would that have sent her? I suspect she thought I would jump at the chance to see her again but in all honesty I don't want to, she's completely destroyed everything and hurt me so much, how on earth can she be so casual about it? My question being, how much of an impact me saying what I said "i'd rather not" of made? Nothing at all or would she be even a little bit curious as to why I wouldn't want to see her, she didn't ask why, she just said "oh ok".. I don't know what to make of it, but just following what my heart is telling me to do..
lonelygurl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 If you can't handle being there when she gets her stuff then don't be. Don't worry about what she will think. The first time my X moved out I was not here when he moved his stuff out. I couldn't handle it myself either. Do what you need to do for yourself.
Rachael. Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Seems like you did the right thing, I would say she didn't ask why because she knows shes the one who hurt you & she only wants to see you out of guilt possibly to check up on you. What lonley said, do what you need to do for yourself.
irishsimon Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I think thats an excellent job. You have got your power well sorted... and you are using it wisely. Respect to that. I would hazard a guess it hasn't worked out quite as well as she hoped with the possible other guy.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Thanks for the responses. I think all it's about on her part really is just her way of lessening her own guilt whilst also seeing me would make her think that everything is ok and that I've accepted what she did. She's made me feel even worse by being selfish again. It also shows she hasn't changed a single bit and her opinion on the situation is still that she felt she's in the right, there was no apology or anything to suggest she's still upset things didn't work out, no, she's just casually saying "oh, it would be nice to see each other". Yeah? For who? I still think i've gained the upper hand again because I've denied her and I don't think she was expecting that, she was probably thinking that i'd say "yeah great, sure be nice to see you again i've kinda missed you" but she will NEVER hear them words from me and the last thing in her memory of me is going to be "no, i'd rather not if thats ok" which is a complete slap in the face in my opinion. I can't believe she can't see that by her even suggesting it shows how insensitive shes still being. She can never justify what she's done, never. Seems to me she has the problem moving on or letting go, she doesn't want me but she still wants to keep some form of contact. What a complete head f***.
exclusive. Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Seems to me she has the problem moving on or letting go, she doesn't want me but she still wants to keep some form of contact. What a complete head f***. Hit the nail on the head, don't give in buddy - find a new lady worth the angst.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Hit the nail on the head, don't give in buddy - . Thanks ! I certainly won't, I am not going to be some sort of "backup option" for her, no way. I won't be kept in reserve, I have so much more self respect for that. She had me, 100%. I don't think she realises the enormity of what she's done at all, she's completely and utterly lost me as a loyal and loving partner and also as a great friend, I mean, for goodness sakes when she dumped me she didn't even say she wanted to be "friends" or on "good terms", she's just gone on to "assume" everything, it's just so incredibly tedious and disrespectful, she's handled it like a child would another child in a playground - it's just a game to her.
You'reasian Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Thanks ! I certainly won't, I am not going to be some sort of "backup option" for her, no way. I won't be kept in reserve, I have so much more self respect for that. She had me, 100%. I don't think she realises the enormity of what she's done at all, she's completely and utterly lost me as a loyal and loving partner and also as a great friend, I mean, for goodness sakes when she dumped me she didn't even say she wanted to be "friends" or on "good terms", she's just gone on to "assume" everything, it's just so incredibly tedious and disrespectful, she's handled it like a child would another child in a playground - it's just a game to her. Not every woman wants a loyal and loving partner - or a nice guy for that matter.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 ...and I am going to interpret her last words "oh ok, that's fine" as being "fine have it your way" because she's used to guys showing her so much attention, she really does love herself. I am pretty sure that I am the first ex bf that's showed her absolutely no attention (after the break up) and initiated NC, and she's just finding it incredibly difficult to handle, and the ONLY reason that's stopping her from begging me back is because she's committed herself to someone else (her ex) who will dump her again eventually. Her loss.
You'reasian Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 ...and I am going to interpret her last words "oh ok, that's fine" as being "fine have it your way" because she's used to guys showing her so much attention, she really does love herself. I am pretty sure that I am the first ex bf that's showed her absolutely no attention (after the break up) and initiated NC, and she's just finding it incredibly difficult to handle, and the ONLY reason that's stopping her from begging me back is because she's committed herself to someone else (her ex) who will dump her again eventually. Her loss. No need to make it an issue. Move on and hang out with the new girl.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Not every woman wants a loyal and loving partner - or a nice guy for that matter. Yes, you're absolutely right, but she knew what I was like from the start as we were friends for a whole year before we got together, so why the f*** did she get with me? I tell you why, because she's the kind of girl who's clingy and doesn't want to be without someone no matter who they were - I didn't know it at the time as I thought she was genuine. I only started to see the alarm bells once her ex got in touch with her and she was over the moon about it. I know what she wants, she wants the chase, she loves that thrill, but then becomes bored when she gets what she wants. I suspect she still thinks I'm there whenever but hopefully my actions will prove otherwise that it's sunk in that I am no longer there. I am sure she's livid at me not showing her attention, I am positive about that as she thrives on attention - hence why she's going back to her ex.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 No need to make it an issue. Move on and hang out with the new girl. I am not making the issue, she's the one contacting me! I am just livid by her actions. It's OK though as it's been said and done now so no more to say on the matter!
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Dude, You're like the guy in the jungle repeating," I'm not afraid of tigers, I'm not afraid of tigers" when you're really scared ****less of them. You've gone on about this contact, and all it shows is that you still care. You need to put it out of your mind. Don't keep wondering what she means or what's going on in her relationship with the other dude. For you to move on with your life, you must let it go. SHE DOES'NT MATTER ANYMORE. Forget about what she thinks or does, or anything. Don't obsess.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Dude, You're like the guy in the jungle repeating," I'm not afraid of tigers, I'm not afraid of tigers" when you're really scared ****less of them. You've gone on about this contact, and all it shows is that you still care. You need to put it out of your mind. Don't keep wondering what she means or what's going on in her relationship with the other dude. For you to move on with your life, you must let it go. SHE DOES'NT MATTER ANYMORE. Forget about what she thinks or does, or anything. Don't obsess. Hmmm that's two of you now saying the same thing, and to be honest I didn't think I was?? I shall reiterate again, that I was contacted last night so of course it was a fresh situation, I wasn't dwelling on anything. I've had a good sleep and now it's all forgotten again, I think i've misrepresented myself, I am certainly not obsessing and I have moved on! I do appreciate the posts and it's good to have feedback, however, I don't believe it's how you describe as I am completely fine with it all, and if anything, I was just merely ranting and letting off steam! Thanks anyway
You'reasian Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Hmmm that's two of you now saying the same thing, and to be honest I didn't think I was?? I shall reiterate again, that I was contacted last night so of course it was a fresh situation, Its your decision to answer the phone or not. Keep up no contact. Best of luck.
Template Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I think the most important thing out of all of this is that you are doing what's best for YOU. Doesn't matter what we think, and sure as hell doesn't matter what she thinks, and I believe that's the whole premise of the NO Contact rule. To allow oneself, to look internally and to re-discover oneself. To discover for yourself who you are. Unfortunately, you had stuff at your place of hers, and she needed it back. It was inevitable that you would have had some kind of contact with her again. This is now just another loose end that was tied, and the more reasons for her/and yourself to never be in contact again. Now some could say, you could have dumped her **** in the trash, and be done with it; but ask yourself. IF you did, did you do it because it's who you are, or would have it been influenced by the hurt and pain she put you through. Don't let her actions dictate your actions anymore. (I'll get off my soapbox now). What was I saying... LOL... oh yeah, I think you handled the situation VERY well! Who cares what message was sent. It's not your job to care what she thinks, but if I was to gather a guess, I think the message you sent was "I'm moving on, and I don't need to see you, or have you in my life." This clearly takes away any power she thought she had over you away. Just my guess.
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 No problem, Cheerful, about venting. I would definately go NC after this is finished.
Knight_Ctrl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Let me tell you a story friend. My ex broke my heart, completely devastated me. She hooked up with one of my friends while we were dating and slowly started phasing me out while she spent more time with him, in essence keeping me as her b/f while she founded a more solid relationship with this other guy. I did what any new dumpee would do, (most anyway), begged, pleaded, made myself look like an ******* and gave her the highest mountain in the world to stand on and all it did was cause her to move further away, gave her the ego to keep on doing what she was doing. Now I don't know the circumstances of your breakup, but it definitely sounds like this girl hurt you. And sir may I say your ability to turn down an offer to see her is extremely admirable. It took me 2 months to figure out that seeing my ex would be a bad thing and now I avoid her like the plague Let me commend you on your balls. Now I feel what your girl is searching for is that ego boost to verify the correctness of her actions. (Which obviously were totally ****ed to begin with, she hurt someone she "loved") ppppfffft whatever. The point of my story? Well within the last week and a half after roughly a month (maybe a bit more) of NC, my ex has called me, and texted me, and said that she wishes I didn't hate her. There is speculation (from several other people, not just myself) that this relationship this guy she gave me the shaft for is already going down hill because hes made attempts to make me look bad in her eyes (a story for another time perhaps). And now suddenly she is concerned with if I hate her or not. Of course I do, how could I not hate someone who has done this to me, shes done almost the exact same thing my last two exs did. If she didn't want me to hate her she should have thought about that before cheating on me. I find it funny that the second you start to become a stronger better person and start rising above the ashes, that the ex conveniently returns to come shake you off your newly created pedestal, so they can try and rebuild some of their own. And you seem to have a decent amount of strength, (and balls lol) at your stage. Look out for her actions coming up, and see if they don't relate to what I've described.
exclusive. Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I find it funny that the second you start to become a stronger better person and start rising above the ashes, that the ex conveniently returns to come shake you off your newly created pedestal, so they can try and rebuild some of their own. So very true!
Geishawhelk Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 ..... i replied saying "i'd rather not if that's OK" .. The bit in Bold/italic is the only think I'm "iffy" about.... Who gives a £"&*~@#*!! whether she thinks it's OK or not - ? This is about what you want, not what she thinks is ok!! never ask, seek or require agreement...!! It's not a negotiated deal, there is no discussion here!!! What you say, goes!! Ok, I'm done!!
Knight_Ctrl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 The bit in Bold/italic is the only think I'm "iffy" about.... Who gives a £"&*~@#*!! whether she thinks it's OK or not - ? This is about what you want, not what she thinks is ok!! never ask, seek or require agreement...!! It's not a negotiated deal, there is no discussion here!!! What you say, goes!! Ok, I'm done!! DAMN, Geisha is right, I didn't even notice that. Yeah man, she has no say in it anymore. Giving her an option gives her respect, she deserves none of that from you.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks again to everybody who replied, I really appreciate it! OK, where to start with the replies: You’reasian: “Its your decision to answer the phone or not. Keep up no contact” It was via text, she wouldn’t dare phone. I know people will disagree, but as far as I am concerned, it’s still felt like NC to me because I’ve never initiated any contact, she has and on most occasions I’ve ignored it apart when it’s been absolutely required, eg, regarding her items or letters. Thanks for wishing me luck and certainly have no intentions of breaking NC on my behalf. Template: “This is now just another loose end that was tied, and the more reasons for her/and yourself to never be in contact again.” Exactly and that’s why I initiated my thread with the opening statement “I can see closure now”. Basically this is the only reason for some form of contact, and it’s not even going to be proper contact because I am not going to be present at the house. Once she has taken all her stuff, there really would be absolutely no reason to contact me, in which any attempt will be ignored 100%. ”I think you handled the situation VERY well! Who cares what message was sent. It's not your job to care what she thinks, but if I was to gather a guess, I think the message you sent was "I'm moving on, and I don't need to see you, or have you in my life." This clearly takes away any power she thought she had over you away. Just my guess” I believe to have as well, I think I’ve done the right thing although I felt horrible for doing it, but that was soon overshadowed by what she did to me which was tenfold so much more horrible. The reason why I asked about what she would think of what I said was more to try and ascertain if the “right” message has got across, eg, I no longer what anything to do with you anymore, not romantically and not as a friend, you’ve wavered all rights to that the day you cheated on me which was cemented on the day you dumped me. I just want the right interpretation to hit home with the least amount of dialogue between us rather than me having to really spell it out to her which would more than likely lead to a debate and I really don’t want that, I just want closure, complete closure. boldjack: Thanks, and NC is certainly the way to continue. Knight_Ctrl: “I did what any new dumpee would do, (most anyway), begged, pleaded, made myself look like an ******* and gave her the highest mountain in the world to stand on and all it did was cause her to move further away, gave her the ego to keep on doing what she was doing.” Thankfully, I didn’t do anything of the sort in this circumstance, I initiated NC as soon as she ended it, I gave her no room or no excuse to think she was so adored by me, yes she was when we were together I always told her how lovely she was and how much I adored her, but since she broke up, she’s had absolutely nothing from me. It didn’t matter how I was feeling, I just didn’t want her to know because she didn’t deserve to know, I’d rather it fizzle out and die a death than let her know. She’s an attention seeker anyway so she would have absolutely loved it if I chased her. I think she’s really annoyed that I haven’t and as most people have said, NC does eventually get them to contact you for whatever reason, I just wished it didn’t happen here because I really don’t want to know, I think she is really underestimating me and how I am feeling, but hopefully the fact that I told her I didn’t want to see her next week said it all, but I suspect not knowing that she’s really hating this NC. “And sir may I say your ability to turn down an offer to see her is extremely admirable”. Actually it was easy because I just remembered what she did to me and I can’t face her anymore. The NC has made me realize so many things and the key thing being that I am so much better off without her in every sense of the word. If the love I gave her was not getting reciprocated when we were together, how on earth would it be any different the second time around? “I find it funny that the second you start to become a stronger better person and start rising above the ashes, that the ex conveniently returns to come shake you off your newly created pedestal, so they can try and rebuild some of their own” They do this because they are both curious and insecure. They want you to think that you can’t live without them and they want to see that in action. They have no interest in your well being but just searching for justification in what they have done was right, and if they see you doing badly and worse off, then they have achieved what they have set out to do – and if you show this to them, then this overrides the issue whether it was the right or wrong thing they did because your actions would have confirmed it to them and then makes them believe they were right, they become stronger and feed off you. If you give them absolutely no reason to think that what they have done was correct, then they are immediately placed on the defensive and wondering why. With these people – people who caused the break up due to their selfish ways – the best way to handle them is to show them that what they did was a huge error of judgment and that they were wrong to finish a perfectly good relationship because of their own means, eg, meeting someone else like in this case. I am convinced that she wanted me to beg and beg, it never came and now she’s absolutely wondering why. Well, if she wants a reason why I can always tell her – that you did me a huge favor and that I am so much better off without you but only realized the moment you let me go. Geishawhelk: “The bit in Bold/italic is the only think I'm "iffy" about....” I always look forward to seeing a post from you as you always tell it how it is! I am quite a fan of your replies – but don’t let it get to your head!! Hehe Anyway, I was merely being “polite”. It wasn’t a request I was giving her, it was a fact or condition because if she had declined and insisted I stay, I again would have said no and that’s the way it was going to stay. I didn’t want to be rude, I have never been rude to her, I’d rather be polite at all times so that in years to come when she gets treated like crap with everybody else she’s with that my legacy remains in her mind of what she truly lost with me, she can’t see it now which I understand. If there is any way in which I can make a final impact and that’s to leave something for her to remember me by, and that’s my character and personality in which she won’t find so easily, especially knowing the kind of person she is, she doesn’t seem to get on with a lot of people because she is so controlling and overbearing, not to mention selfish. I believe that I have done everything possible in my power in the relationship and that nothing I did or said would have changed the outcome. I had no control over the outcome, you can't control someone and if they were always that way inclined they will do it again and again. I remember all the crap she put me through and did I really want more of the same? I deserve to be treated better and if that means being alone for a while then let it be so, it’s better than being constantly used and hurt where the pain would have gotten worse. It's happened early in this relationship and that’s been a lucky escape for me at a time where there's still plenty of time to recover and move on in which I’ve established without much effort mainly due to the so many reasons why I would be better off without her.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 OK, well I thought I heard the end of it but wasn't to be, it's like the snow we've been having, it just keeps going on.. ! As you know she's been "in contact" with me recently and I described here what's been said. So ok, I thought I handled it well by saying that I'd rather not see her on the day she was coming to collect her stuff. I thought this would have given her the hint...but alas! It wasn't to be.... hmm I got subsequent texts from her the next day after that and then last night, basically, she's been texting me every day, not only that, she's been writing all over my facebook and commenting on every move I've made. Now I know people would have said "you should have deleted her in the first place" but the thing is there was still some loose ends to be tied such as the items that she still needs to collect I just wanted things to remain amicable right until that point, but yesterday she forced my hand She sent me another text last night (bearing in mind I hardly reply to them) but it was the last straw, in her text she was basically inviting me to ask her what her plans were for today (Saturday) by suggesting she was going to a "place" that needed the trains to be used, and that can only be one place - to see her "ex" or rather the guy she dumped me for. I went mental at this... not at her, just at myself.. I thought to myself "why the f*** am I allowing this to happen?" So, i did something about it. I didn't reply to her text.. I waited.. I was with a friend who helped me consider my options bearing in mind she still needed to come back to the house next week. I consulted my sister too and she told me to calm down. I asked my sister why on earth was she doing this, why can't she let go of me, she dumped me so why continue to monopolise my time, time to heal and move on, and every time she kept stopping it. So, I asked my sister if her fiance was availble to be in my house on the day she came to collect the stuff and he said he would be so that nothing happened, I didn't want her to get any revenge on what I was about to do. Now that I establised that, I could proceed to with my next move - that was to finally try and stop this. I sent her a text back, a polite text, saying basically that I felt it wasn't a good idea that she was on facebook any longer and that I needed to move on so I was going to delete her later. I know maybe this doesn't sound significant, but it is, to her it is I mean because facebook is her life and she uses facebook religiously to find out what's going on in her friends life. So of course, she ended it with me but still loved the fact that she could feel that connection by seeing what I was up to - as if I'd never went away sort of thing. I didn't know she was going to pursue my profile so vigorously so it had to stop. And as predicted, she didn't take it to well at all, she went mad. Asking why and all sorts. I again reiterated to her the reasons, and although she said she "understood", she still found it fitting to try and make me feel guilty by trying to justify the reasons why she dumped me which again made me realise this was such a good thing - she's learn't nothing of why this has happened. Then a few minutes later, she sent another text in which I really had to bite my tounge, she basically blamed me for the break up and detailed a lot of things that were just not true. I guess it was her retaliation and wanted to get the final word in no matter what. I really wanted to respond but I didn't. I went to bed feeling great and slept really well as on reflection I felt I did the right thing by finally letting her know that what she was doing was so insensitive by keeping in touch without even consulting me and assuming i'd be OK with it. However, after waking up this morning, I can't get that last text she sent out of her mind. It really really bothers me to think that she actually believes she had to break up with me because I was being possessive towards her. Her interpretation of that basically means that I couldn't accept the fact that she was talking to an ex bf whom she still had feelings for and that he was trying to get her back, she took that as being "possessive" behaviour and that's the reason why she ended it? WTF? What person in their right mind would accept that as reasonable behaviour? The bottom line was she wanted both of us and I said no, she had to choose and she chose him but making it out that it's my fault for all this because I wouldn't accept it and branded me as possessive. As I said I didn't reply to it but I wanted to and part of my still does want to tell her she's so out of order, but I am trying so hard not to. She must be that stupid to really think anybody else would have accepted what she did, basically having an emotional affair since mid last year talking to him constantly and planning things with him.... On a more positive note then, i "shouldn't" hear from her again now... I hope not anyway, I hope this is it. Thanks for reading, sorry it's long I just really needed somewhere to vent all this stuff.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 You must be kidding. I don't think there is anyway she will stop. You have created an emotional vacuum. She will keep trying to fill it. Why? He was her ex for a reason. Now imagine you are this ex. And she was getting hosed by some other guy. She keep e-mailing him. He wonders the same thing as you. Why does she keep contacting her ex. Because you are now the ex. This will continue. If you do ever text her about your supposed possessiveness. You could simply tell her this. She is the possessive one. She wanted to screw you and him. Sounds like she wanted you both. As you see things deteriorate between them. She will start to text how much she misses you. You haven't gone off on her. She is thinking right now. "Gee I screwed this ex and he has been real civil to me. I wonder if I made a mistake. I'll keep texting him to stay friends. Just in case something happens."
Knight_Ctrl Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I went to bed feeling great and slept really well as on reflection I felt I did the right thing by finally letting her know that what she was doing was so insensitive by keeping in touch without even consulting me and assuming i'd be OK with it. However, after waking up this morning, I can't get that last text she sent out of her mind. It really really bothers me to think that she actually believes she had to break up with me because I was being possessive towards her. Her interpretation of that basically means that I couldn't accept the fact that she was talking to an ex bf whom she still had feelings for and that he was trying to get her back, she took that as being "possessive" behaviour and that's the reason why she ended it? WTF? What person in their right mind would accept that as reasonable behaviour? The bottom line was she wanted both of us and I said no, she had to choose and she chose him but making it out that it's my fault for all this because I wouldn't accept it and branded me as possessive. As I said I didn't reply to it but I wanted to and part of my still does want to tell her she's so out of order, but I am trying so hard not to. She must be that stupid to really think anybody else would have accepted what she did, basically having an emotional affair since mid last year talking to him constantly and planning things with him.... On a more positive note then, i "shouldn't" hear from her again now... I hope not anyway, I hope this is it. Thanks for reading, sorry it's long I just really needed somewhere to vent all this stuff. this part struck me. My ex did the same time when her and I broke up. Right around when she started dating my friend while she was with me (yes she did) I got pissed and told her what she was doing was not right, and she got on my case about being able to hang out with whoever she wants. I agreed to this totally, I NEVER NEVER told her who and who not to hang out with, she even hung out with a few exs occasionally, (hmmmmmm.....) anyway, so when I finally started to worry about why she was spending so much time with this guy, she flipped a lid. What the **** is wrong with some women.
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