Rollercoasterr Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I'm driving myself crazy. My SO and I dated 4 years ago, but we broke up because there was this girl that was in love with him that kept threatening to kill herself and whatnot. He's one of those nice guys, the shy ones that take the guilt of the world on their shoulders and blame themselves for virtually everything, so of course, he gave in and broke things off with me so that she wouldn't hurt herself. Personally, I think that when you love someone you shouldn't care about what anyone else does, but that's neither here nor there, because there was also a lot of his friends telling him that me being 1000 miles away isn't worth it, and basically pressured him into doing what he did. We were very young, so I'm not going to be mad at him over that, and I never have been. However, after he and I split, he and this girl get together, and they stay together for 4 years. I know he was miserable, I was still talking to him randomly throughout those 4 years, and we'd sometimes end up saying the I love you's, and basically wishing that we could be together. I had gotten a boyfriend by the time I found out he was with her, and I stayed with my ex for the entire 4 years as well, but I would have gladly given that up to be with my now SO. His girlfriend was a terrible, terrible person, and I'll never forgive her for what she did to me. She caught us talking once, and sent me emails bad mouthing me and saying she was going to control him and he'd never speak to me again and whatnot. Sure, I loved the guy, but he's oblivious and had actually thought I had gotten over him, so it wasn't as if we were talking behind her back like we were going out or anything. The few times we did say I love you were in the midst of deep conversations, and in those points where you can't help but say how you feel. We were basically best friends for 4 years. She now knows that we are back together, and hasn't contacted him since finding out, thank god. But my thing is...I'm driving myself crazy with jealousy. There's still a lot of anger in me that never got released when he broke up with me because I was so shocked. I fell so deep into depression that I never actually got that out of me. We are very happy now, and he hasn't given me any reason to believe there's going to be a repeat of history. He's all about me, absolutely crazy about everything to do with us, and everyone that's ever met him can tell that he's in love. And I know he's sorry for the past, he's apologized many many times for it, and done everything he can to make me trust him again. But I can't help but think about him and her together lately. When I think about us kissing, I picture him and her kissing afterwards. When I think of us cuddling or him being sweet to me, I think about him and her. And it's killing me. He swears that their relationship was miserable and that he was never the same with her as he is with me, but I can't get it out of my head. I'm trying to not hurt him by telling him that I'm still hurt, and still angry, but I feel like if I dont say it somewhere I'm going to explode. So I guess I'll just post it here.
JaydaLeah Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 yes, my dear.. the green eye monster. Irritating as hell and making our lives with our SO miserable. You are not alone, many out there felt all degrees of jealousy too. So do I. and i STILL do! =) While your green instincts are not unfound, you must also rem that if he does feel anything, or in anyway, prefers his ex, he would have been with her still. But it is you he CHOSE to be with. So that is reality, not history. There will always be a nagging feeling abt his ex, but try to control it bcoz it can ruin this great relationship u have if it goes out of control. And its not worth it. I think it is evident that your SO loves u very much, and you know it too. So do fight the jealousy... you have a long way ahead with him and many other issues and challenges ahead then to battle the past.. which has no value at all really, other than helpin him to love u better. Most ppl learn from their past, dont they? =) I did. N i learnt to control this green monster if not it will destroy my this great relationship i have now like now it did with my last one 3 yrs ago. =) gd luck!
KikiW Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I totally understand discovering some pocket of bad feelings about someone that you just want to scream and get them out and be done with them. But you know that doing that would be bad, that while it will get it off your chest, it would likely do more harm than good. Acknowledge those feelings, but vent them away from him (like you've done here). Maybe find a close friend who will listen to you get it out of your system. And then keep in mind that his heart was so big that he was jerked around by a manipulative, controlling woman. He tried so hard to be helpful and kind that he didn't realize just how badly he was hurting himself, and you. And while you can call him a sucker, or a wimp or a spineless dork for wasting that precious time you could have spent together, he thought he was doing the right thing. Remind yourself that he DID wake up, that he realized his mistake and that he has remedied the situation. Hopefully those harsh feelings will pass soon and you can move on
Author Rollercoasterr Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 I know it would end up ruining the relationship, and that's what scares me. I've waited 4 years on him, and now that we are back together my life is perfect. Sure, he's 1000 miles away and from a different country, but I love him more than my own life. I know he feels the same. He loves talking about our future, and has taken to calling me "wifey". I just have no idea what's the matter with me on this. I think some days I just want to scream at him for what he did, I want to make sure he knows how bad he hurt me, but at the same time I know its not going to accomplish anything at all, it'll just hurt him and then ultimately, me. I talked to him about everything last night, and he said that he understood completely, but that I also needed to understand that I'm all he's ever wanted, and he'll do anything to make me see that he's not going anywhere. I truly, truly love this man. I think ill eventually get over it. Its just a waiting game until then.
KikiW Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 You sound incredibly lucky to have found such a wonderful guy, even if it was a struggle to get to where you are. I'm sure you'll get through it, and trust me I really understand your feelings. But don't let any more time go to waste on them. Perhaps if you think of them that way - a waste of time and energy that could easily be spent thinking of how great he is or something special you can do for him - it will make it easier to let them go. You have told him how you feel, let him show you everything he is doing to make it up to you.
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