Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I posted a letter to you on the Infidelity Forum because I did not want to intrude on your personal forum, although I have been reading here for months and it has helped me in my path to healing. I am not, or should I say, no longer a hater, because it is all too easy to fall into that negative trap. We have chosen to attempt reconciliation, but in those days following DDay, I so hated what he had done to me, I had to hate you too. Please forgive me. It was easier in my mind to malign you and your motivations than to examine the actions of a man I truly loved who had broken my heart in the worst way possible. In taking him back, I had to start loving him more and consequently, hating you more, too. With insight and time, I have learned he lied to both of us, and both you and I and him, have all undergone too much pain with the break-up of this triangle. As I heal and grow stronger everyday, I now feel your pain too. If you get the opportunity to read my letter on the Infidelity Forum, or this one, and would care to comment, please do so. Sincerely, Spark
OWoman Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I posted a letter to you on the Infidelity Forum because I did not want to intrude on your personal forum, although I have been reading here for months and it has helped me in my path to healing. I am not, or should I say, no longer a hater, because it is all too easy to fall into that negative trap. We have chosen to attempt reconciliation, but in those days following DDay, I so hated what he had done to me, I had to hate you too. Please forgive me. It was easier in my mind to malign you and your motivations than to examine the actions of a man I truly loved who had broken my heart in the worst way possible. In taking him back, I had to start loving him more and consequently, hating you more, too. With insight and time, I have learned he lied to both of us, and both you and I and him, have all undergone too much pain with the break-up of this triangle. As I heal and grow stronger everyday, I now feel your pain too. If you get the opportunity to read my letter on the Infidelity Forum, or this one, and would care to comment, please do so. Sincerely, Spark Spark, I think that's an awesome letter and testifies to incredible growth and maturity. I wish you well with your journey of reconciliation.
NoIDidn't Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Spark, you didn't have to hate the OW. That was just how you decided to deal with it at the time. Maybe it was a subconscious thing. But the fact that you recognized it shows great strength in the face of this.
Mino Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Hi Spark, I wish you all the best in the healing of your marriage,
noreply110 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 That is exactly why I came here. I was looking for fuel to fire my hate of this woman who RUINED MY LIFE. Of course I didn't find any. I found men and women who were hurting as much as me. I found people who were being fed the same lies that I was. I found out, as gross as this will sound to some BS, that in a way, we were all the same. We were being lied to. It was never about us. This board helps me heal. It also helped me gain a bullshat meter. And it forced me to deal with my marriage. I am not friends with OW/OM. But I am not enemys either. I have much more understanding, and I appreciate that.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 That is exactly why I came here. I was looking for fuel to fire my hate of this woman who RUINED MY LIFE. Of course I didn't find any. I found men and women who were hurting as much as me. I found people who were being fed the same lies that I was. I found out, as gross as this will sound to some BS, that in a way, we were all the same. We were being lied to. It was never about us. This board helps me heal. It also helped me gain a bullshat meter. And it forced me to deal with my marriage. I am not friends with OW/OM. But I am not enemys either. I have much more understanding, and I appreciate that. No Reply, I so agree! I have been reading here for months before I got the courage to actually post. And what I discovered on this forum broke my heart too! And gave me so much more understanding, maybe too much (LOL) in that I could no longer hate her: It is HIS issue and our marriage issues. You are right. He lied to both of us and how sad for all involved.
OWoman Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 That is exactly why I came here. I was looking for fuel to fire my hate of this woman who RUINED MY LIFE. Of course I didn't find any. I found men and women who were hurting as much as me. I found people who were being fed the same lies that I was. I found out, as gross as this will sound to some BS, that in a way, we were all the same. We were being lied to. It was never about us. This board helps me heal. It also helped me gain a bullshat meter. And it forced me to deal with my marriage. I am not friends with OW/OM. But I am not enemys either. I have much more understanding, and I appreciate that. No Reply, I so agree! I have been reading here for months before I got the courage to actually post. And what I discovered on this forum broke my heart too! And gave me so much more understanding, maybe too much (LOL) in that I could no longer hate her: It is HIS issue and our marriage issues. You are right. He lied to both of us and how sad for all involved. You guys realise, of course, that by posting rational, mature, compassionate posts such as these, you're making it so much harder for BOTH to post their "ALL OWs are xxxxxx" or "ALL BS are yyyyyyyy" missiles, because now clearly at least SOME are rational, mature and compassionate...
Owl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Big group hug.. Naww...I can't...I'm married! But I'm glad to see that we CAN all 'get along'.
OWoman Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Big group hug.. Naww...I can't...I'm married! Owl that was HUG, not SHAG....
QueenVictoria Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Dear Spark, Keep your anger where it should be, with your husband. The OW didn't exchange vows with you, your husband did. Focus on yourself and your "marriage"
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 The OW had a role in the affair. Her husband didn't cheat alone.. The OW KNEW this guy was married and had children so the OW IS responsible for her part in the affair. A betrayed spouse has every right to be pissed off at the OW. Do you expect her to shake her hand and thank her for banging her husband?
KismetGirl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Getting involved with an MM never had anything to do with his W. I'm not a bad person, but I guess when someone is out of sight, it's easier for them to be out of mind. I feel more guilty when I think of his kids than his W for some reason, but I suspect if I were to really speak with her in person I'd probably feel pretty sh*t at what this A would do to her if she found out. But I guess that doesn't make it easier for me to leave the A, either. I think, generally, that most blame has to fall on the WS though, no? They are ultimately the ones with the responsibility and commitments being broken. I guess I don't have much faith he'd ever really leave her anyway so I spend more time being jealous of his W, if anything. Which I guess is ironic- to be jealous of a woman whose husband has cheated on her for four years...but nonetheless at the end of the day he goes home to her and not me. She's got his kids, his house, his life. It'll be a long, long time before he's unhappy enough to even remotely consider upsetting the balance by leaving, if ever. Sometimes I almost get mad at her. Not directly, mind you. But stemming from that jealousy, I get so frustrated that she can "have" him every day if she wants to and she doesn't take advantage. So if it's any solace, at the end of the day the BS usually "wins" anyway, whatever that means. It seems a very rare event for an MM to leave a marriage unless he is so miserable and the relationship has so deteriorated that he can't stomach going home anymore. And really, how often is that the case? Not often. Usually it's just some sort of discontent. Some forlorn, back-of-the-mind unhappiness with the relationship that they won't really acknowledge anyway. I'm sorry you were hurt, Spark. I can't imagine what despair I'd feel if I built a life with someone and found out they'd been lying to me like that. I hope that your relationship is one in which repair is possible, and not just one that is being forced, because at the end of the day I think everyone just wants to be happy, right? Don't really know what else to say except that, at least in my case, I didn't get involved with MM because I had soemthing to prove, or it was some contest where I was trying to steal him away from her. When I met him and found out he was married I was pretty dissapointed but accepted that nothing would ever happen. Couldn't hold back that I felt an intense attraction on many levels, and I would lie if I said I wasn't in some weird excitement when he kissed me that night several months after I met him. I never planned to ever be an OW, and it was something I frowned upon. Hell, my parents cheated on each other. I want to hate her, I want to scream and cry, I secretly wonder what it would be like if I was with him, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. It's got nothing to do with his W. It's my fault for allowing this to continue, it's her fault for suspecting and never addressing the problems, but most of all it's HIS fault for stringing along two women when I know he's not stupid and despite all his emotional retard-ness, I know that deep down he knows smething isn't right in his relationships and instead of fixing them he goes back and forth as it is. And she goes on not knowing, and I go on being unhappy, and no one fixes everything. Sh*te situation. I hope yours has a happy ending.
Billie63 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 it's her fault for suspecting and never addressing the problems, but most of all it's HIS fault for stringing along two women when I know he's not stupid and despite all his emotional retard-ness, I know that deep down he knows smething isn't right in his relationships and instead of fixing them he goes back and forth as it is. And she goes on not knowing, and I go on being unhappy, and no one fixes everything. Sh*te situation. I hope yours has a happy ending. I don't want to hijack the thread but there seems to be a common denominator with BS. So many of them come D-Day say they thought everything was hunky dory in their marriage. How do you know your MM's BS doesn't think the same thing? How can you expect her to address problems when possibly she doesn't know they exist? She found a red hair and MM wormed his way out of it. And yet you expect her to turn Sherlock Holmes or something. I'm sorry, but when the man you are committed to, the man you trust most in the world tells you a feasible story, you tend to believe him. Unless you're an insecure psycho you don't go looking for clues. What so many posters say on here is true - you don't know all the ins and outs of their marriage - only what he tells you. And he might not lie, but cheaters have a habit of putting a certain spin on things. Has Love Shack not yet taught you this at least?
KismetGirl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I don't want to hijack the thread but there seems to be a common denominator with BS. So many of them come D-Day say they thought everything was hunky dory in their marriage. How do you know your MM's BS doesn't think the same thing? How can you expect her to address problems when possibly she doesn't know they exist? She found a red hair and MM wormed his way out of it. And yet you expect her to turn Sherlock Holmes or something. I'm sorry, but when the man you are committed to, the man you trust most in the world tells you a feasible story, you tend to believe him. Unless you're an insecure psycho you don't go looking for clues. What so many posters say on here is true - you don't know all the ins and outs of their marriage - only what he tells you. And he might not lie, but cheaters have a habit of putting a certain spin on things. Has Love Shack not yet taught you this at least? Yes don't mean to t/j.....just real quick....I'm actually giving his W the credit when I say she must know something is up. Not necessarily WHAT is bothering him specifically about the marriage, but I say she must be aware that he probably hasn't been faithful. He says she hasn't mentioned anything in a long time, BUT, aside from the hair on the bed incident, she found an email from me to him with , erm, suggestive photos in it. He also gave some excuse for that one, but I know he wouldn't marry a stupid person, she's got to know SOMETHING was going on. She might at this point believe there isn't anything anymore, but has to have suspected something. He's said she's asked him why he "smells funny" on several occasions when after seeing me and us sleeping together he didn't have time to shower before running home. I don't know what they talked about during that year I wasn't speaking to him , but he had emailed me just once during that time on my birthday to say he was sorry he couldnt be there with me but that things were still "really f**ked up at home", so I take that to mean she was still pissed off at him or whatnot. It's entirely possible that she thinks they have fixed whatever the problem was and is in the dark now, but he says all the time "she isn't stupid, I bet she suspects even if she doesn't say anything". If I suspected my husband was cheating, and had been given a couple of physical reasons to think so, that's usually a sign that something is wrong in the marriage, right? Not necessarily anything that's her fault entirely, but just that something is not right. I fully suggest that most everything has been his fault, if only because I know how bad he is at communicating his concerns unless you really press him. I don't really blame her, because you're right, it's hard to fix things totally when you aren't really sure what's wrong. But what if there isn't anything wrong to fix? what happens when the problem is simply because, at the heart of it, the other person just has never been in love with you? How do you fix that? I do feel bad for her. Even if he does stay with her forever, and she never found out anything, to be with someone who's never been excited to see you or wake up next to you seems so...dim. Ok, so , all those BS's that thought everything was honky dory.....I have to be curious (and maybe I should just start a new thread), but I wonder if AFTER D-Day they looked back retrospectivelly and realized that they just didn't notice things that should have been signs, and realize it after the fact?
datura_noir Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 As a BS- Yes, I realized he was very distant and cold for a period. When I asked him what was wrong, he said work was very stressful, and he was sorry for the distance,and that we would take a vacation together when this project was over. And then we would go to bed later and snuggle, and talk about all sorts of stuff-from world peace to Paris Hilton.This scenario went on for about 10 months. Later, he became reeeaaaalllly distant and funky after a "trip to see his parents". I found out the truth after that, only because my inner voice guided me to look thru his briefcase. I didn't have the distraction of small kids to keep my mind busy;But I had asked him point blank if there was someone else, and got a resounding 'NO!'. But things didn't add up....and I am not a naive 20-30 year old, I have been married to the Ayatollah of cheaters early in my life, and knew the signs.... I just never thought that he would be that type-anything but.
Myusername Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Spark I am sorry for your pain and think this is so strong of you to post here. I was an OW but a long distance, see him once a year type of OW. I hated the whole scene and never once thought it was ok for me to do what i was doing, even though my ex mm was separated when I met him, he went back, and I saw him a few times over the course of several years. I always had his wife in the FRONT of my mind, and never excused my actions, I hated myself, and in a lot of ways had little respect for him for doing this thing to her. It's complicated and hurtful for so many people. Women outside the marriage hear things like "I am only there for the kids,we sleep in separate rooms, we are like business partners, roomates....its been over for a while I just cant leave....yada yada". There is no good excuse, these men should get out of their marriages before they leap, OW should not be involved with married men, and the whole thing is a mess. I am not "dogging" OW, so pls no flaming posts. I am agreeing with you in saying a lot of people are hurt, get hurt but it is no excuse to cheat. I wish you the very very best and think you sound like a lovely person be well MUN
Author Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Thank you, MUN. That is what I have realized in reading LS. Everyone gets hurt in a triangle. And now, as I work harder than I have ever worked on anything before, there grows an ambivalence regarding the future of my marriage. On good days, my heart says "I truly love this man, this family we have built together, and I will do anything in my power to preserve us." On my bad days, I think, is HE worth it? That is the truth. There is so much to overcome and forgive and get "right" between us, the task seems daunting. I understand why so many walk away and file for divorce.
datura_noir Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Hi Spark, I am replying to your last post. That ambivalence is completely normal, although knowing that doesn't make it any less disturbing. I know how it feels to doubt if you guys can make it. Every little argument, every missed connection, and you start to wonder if you two were "meant to be". It's truly a case of 'For better or for worse". I still, somedays, feel like 'WTF??' I know that I had the option of starting over, and although in my mid-forties, I don't give a fart about age-if you start over, you start over, whether you're 20 or 50. It is easier in many ways,when you're younger,though.Especially if it is just a dating relationship, or casual FWB thing. I have no words of wisdom, just know that I share your feelings.
Recommended Posts