Sari Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Hi, wasn't really sure where to put this thread so I have also popped it in the 'breaking up' section - hope that doesn't p*ss anyone off! My long-term bf broke up with me at the end of November 2008, and although I know we had some problems I loved him with all my heart and was devastated, really really low. I did the typical things, not eating, drinking way too much, going out loads. I also did the other thing that lots of dumpees do - had a fling. I'd noticed this guy at work before my break-up, being a loyal gf I never entertained doing anything with him, in fact I actively thought to myself "hmm, he's very good-looking and funny, better keep a bit of a distance from him, don't want a work crush complicating my relationship!". We ended up getting on very well and went out for a few cigarettes here and there, it was fun but I never really gave it a second thought past harmless flirting/chatting. Next thing I know, I'm dumped by my long-term bf and looking for anything to make me feel better, so I went to the office xmas party and ended up kissing this guy (we were all over each other all evening and it was obviously going to happen!), and going home with him for a bit of a kiss and a cuddle. He seemed REALLY keen on me. I explained all about my situation, which he already knew some of, and we had a chat about exes and broken hearts and stuff. In the morning he mentioned that he knew I was still pining for my ex, and I said that's true but I would love to go for a drink with you and see what happens - he seemed v keen and gave me his number straight away and gave me a missed call so I had his number too. Then I went home, and he texted me to tell me he had emailed me - all within hours of leaving his house! We emailed a lot over the next few days and I asked him to go for a drink, to which he replied "that would be lovely" (I'll speed up a bit now, this is going epic!), basically he went a bit cooler after that when in person but as I was recently hurt and confused (and later drunk) I went a bit psycho-b*tch on his a*s, not much but I told him I felt I was chasing him a bit, to which he replied that he is very "emotionally retarded" and has problems explaining his feelings or getting in to relationships. We kissed again (instigated drunkenly by me at another xmas office party!), and he kept saying he needed to sort his head out but that we would definitely go for a drink over xmas. I didn't hear from him for over a week then he texted out of the blue to invite me out for a drink, we went and had a really really great time, non-stop talking, time flew, he bought all my drinks and was generally lovely, then he said he had to go home that night cos of family stuff, I was a bit put out (not psycho-b*tch though) and we had a big chat about where this was heading, he said some really confusing stuff "I really like you but I think we should just be friends" "If we got together I could see myself staying with you and that scares me" "I just want to be friends" "I'm emotionally f*cked up" "Let's go out again and it will end better I promise" "I wish I'd kissed you earlier this evening" blah blah, I told him to can it and left, thinking it was probably all over and he was a coward or a player... he texted and rang three times the next day frantic that I'd been murdered or something on the way home from our date (freak - I was actually out shopping and came home to a barrage of messages!). Next he texts me on new years asking how I was, what I'd done for NYE etc, we had a nice text chat, then back at work a few days later I asked him what was going on and he said he just wants to be friends, sorry sorry, so I said ok keep away from me then as I feel more than friendship for you and I have to get over it. I didn't see much of him for a week or so (kept my distance), then I had to go in to his office to speak to his colleague, as soon as I left he emailed me "was that ok? sorry I was a bit quiet, how are you? Really nice to see you". After that I couldn't keep away and kept popping in to his office for 'work' stuff and to chat to other people in there, obviously to see him though! We started chatting a bit more and he started emailing me again, being a bit flirty, he rubbed my back in a bar when we went out for work drinks and gave me a big kiss and hug to say goodbye, spent all evening talking to me exclusively, then the same again the next week, after which I texted him and asked if anything was going to happen between us again, he said no I only see you as a friend, sorry, so I replied please don't kiss and hug me and email me and other confusing crap, and he said ok. But whaddya know, he emails me about "some work stuff" yesterday, he has NEVER emailed me about work before and there was really no need to, it wasn't urgent and he just had no need to, he was asking me how I was and how things were going etc too, so (stupidly!) I emailed back some friendly stuff (but it was a 'closed' email i.e. I didn't ask him anything or initiate further contact) and he emailed me back straight away, all teasing and jokey! ARGH!! I had kept away from his office for well over a week and was doing ok and now this! And now I've popped in to his office today and all my hard work is ruined, I like him just as much as ever! My question is this - why is he doing this and what does he want from me? I've offered him just no strings fun (sorry, hope this doesn't offend anyone!) and alternatively going on another date and seeing what happens, he says he can only do all or nothing and feels he can't offer me all so it will have to be nothing, he can't do 'no strings' or 'see how it goes' dates. So then I tell him to back off and he's still bothering me - just enough for me to notice! To make matters worse now my ex wants me back and I'm all confused - still love my ex but have a very strong attraction to this stupid work guy who doesn't want me but is still hanging around! But that is besides the point of this post - I just want to know why work crush guy is doing this - does he like me or not or is he just sociopathic??! He seemed so keen at first - what happened? He is only 23 (I am 27) but has had a couple of long-term gfs before. I just don't understand why he instigated the first kiss, first post-kiss contact, first date etc, only to say he just sees me as a friend all of a sudden, and why is he continuing this crap?? Any guy-view or advice from either sex would be very much appreciated, and sorry for the essay!
Still Trying Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Neither of you want a relationship now. This is post relationship fling, you said it yourself. If he can't do the no strings thing, than leave it alone. He's still calling or whatever? Tell him to stop! None of this is healthy and it seems like neither of you are ready for any sort of real relationship. Either be single and deal with being alone (best advice) or find someone willing to give their body up without any emotional attachment (good luck with that, never works for me). Oh and the more I read, sorry VERY hard to follow your long post, try cliff notes next time... he's the one leading you on. Jesus, just goes to show that trying to date someone at work is a horrible idea - good luck with all of that but it's best for you to just keep your distance from him now. he's messing with you a bit, not cool.
Author Sari Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Thank you for replying, sorry that was such a long post and thank you for taking the time to read it. I wanted to add all detail as I didn't want it to sounds too one-sided or sparse of detail, as I felt the detail was important and therein lay the subtext of all this weirdness if you see what I mean! I'm still at a loss as to understand why he is acting/has acted this way though - anyone got any thoughts??
Lucky_One Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I don't know, but he might like you, but then he remembers how you go psycho b*tch on him, and that scares the heck out of his bunny rabbit.
Author Sari Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Hello and thanks for replying - I didn't go uber-psycho-b*tch, wasn't angry or anything, I just feel I came across as a bit desperate and obviously v keen - would that really make a guy go from interested to totally not interested? I also wonder if he was just being polite the whole time and didn't know how to tell me he wasn't interested - but would someone really organise a date etc just to avoid hurting someone's feelings??
Lucky_One Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Maybe you don't think you were uber, but he does. Needy and desperate scares guys off BAD. :bunny: (And bunnies too.)
BoerumHill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 ...he mentioned that he knew I was still pining for my ex, and I said that's true ...he replied that he is very "emotionally retarded" and has problems explaining his feelings or getting in to relationships ...he kept saying he needed to sort his head out "I really like you but I think we should just be friends" "If we got together I could see myself staying with you and that scares me" "I just want to be friends" "I'm emotionally f*cked up" ...later I asked him what was going on and he said he just wants to be friends ...he says he can only do all or nothing and feels he can't offer me all so it will have to be nothing ...he can't do 'no strings' or 'see how it goes' dates ...He is only 23 (I am 27) Seriously...you can't figure this one out? Sari, I really think you should just let this one go. There are a gazillion screaming waving red flags, but let's just pretend a) work relationship and b) neither of you is ready for anything right now, is sufficient for now. You know, when people tell you in the beginning of a new relationship who they are and where they are at emotionally...listen to them.
Author Sari Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Ooh that's interesting BoerumHill - what do you mean exactly? You think he was trying to tell me all along that he just wants to be friends? What's with all the other crap then - emails, date, texts, continued contact even though I've told him to get lost? Just guy-crap?! Thanks for taking the time to reply and for reading my inital post!
Matteo Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Based on that I would probably not date you. I might have sex with you cause crazy girls are great in bed but dating would be a no no.
Author Sari Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Just as well I don't want a date with you then isn't it? Thanks for the 'advice' wisey.
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