Untouchable_Fire Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 UF, you got issues, take 'em somewhere else. It seems this lady has got some progress, and instead of deciding to break up the realtionship, she's determined to work at it. Some things, sometimes are better left unsaid, if saying them is going to tip the balance towards a negative outcome. She may tell him in time, when the time is right. It may come, it may not. But stop projecting your anger onto other people. These folk come here for help, support and constructive criticism. I am harsher than most, but at least my contributions are always tempered to being constructive. you -you're just "tempered." I'm not angry. I know she will ultimately make the choice herself. However, that choice needs to be made with open eyes. You are taking the approach that the ends justify the means. That is a self serving lie... and you know it. Here is what my goal is. I would like to see her explain why she feels it is best to not tell. I don't think that is an unhelpful question to answer.
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I'm not angry. I know she will ultimately make the choice herself. However, that choice needs to be made with open eyes. You are taking the approach that the ends justify the means. That is a self serving lie... and you know it. Here is what my goal is. I would like to see her explain why she feels it is best to not tell. I don't think that is an unhelpful question to answer. Geishawhelk - Thank you! UF - The issues we are having as a couple led me astray. We have had many traumatic events in our lives over the last few years. We have grown distance and we did try to talk over the last few years. With no "moving forward" in sight I made a wrong, disgusting, unmoral, wrong, wrong decision. What's done it done. I will carry the guilt with me for my entire life. It was tha act of cheating that helped me to understand how very unhappy my situation is. I had be lying to myself about being happy. Stepping away from our life, even for just one night, gave me the strength to finally tell him that we need things to change or we aren't going to work. It takes two to make a relationship work. I am a passive person by nature, that comes froma lifetime of living with a parent that abused me. Now that he finally wants to try to make us work, so do I. All the issues we had before the A are still there, we are going to work on those first. I will never tell him. (so maybe I am still just as selfish as you think I am. I see no reason to make myself feel better by getting rid of the guilt and causing him pain. Doesn't seem right to me. I will deal with the pain myself.) Again, thank you for everyone's opinion. I respect that everyone has one.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 All the issues we had before the A are still there, we are going to work on those first. I will never tell him. (so maybe I am still just as selfish as you think I am. I see no reason to make myself feel better by getting rid of the guilt and causing him pain. Doesn't seem right to me. I will deal with the pain myself.) I'm sorry you were abused. You are not a martyr on a cross. Just admit that the only reason you wont tell is because you don't want to deal with any consequences that may come from your actions. We both know that you don't feel guilt... you blame him too much for your actions. I can't talk you into being honest. I just ask that you put some very serious thought to it. If you really want to make a relationship that works, you can't build it on a lie, especially not one this big. Don't mistakenly believe that you are somehow shielding him from the pain. You are only multiplying the pain in the future.
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I'm sorry you were abused. You are not a martyr on a cross. Just admit that the only reason you wont tell is because you don't want to deal with any consequences that may come from your actions. We both know that you don't feel guilt... you blame him too much for your actions. I can't talk you into being honest. I just ask that you put some very serious thought to it. If you really want to make a relationship that works, you can't build it on a lie, especially not one this big. Don't mistakenly believe that you are somehow shielding him from the pain. You are only multiplying the pain in the future. I am not sorry I was abused. It made me who I am today. I am sorry my mother was a drug addict and let terrible people into our home. I am not a martyr. I do feel guilt. I can't believe I became this person. I am ashamed of the actions I took. I know I can't go back. What's done is done. I made a mistake by wanting someone to want "me". We made mistakes that led me there. It takes two love and to fight. I started the relationship with a lie (to myself). I changed who I was to become someone he wanted me to be. Now that he knows that, we can start new and I can be who I am. He may or may not like me, but that is his choice not mine. All we can do is try again. I say the ball is in his court.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I am not sorry I was abused. It made me who I am today. I am sorry my mother was a drug addict and let terrible people into our home. I am sure this has hurt you. I wish I could personally change that. No child deserves to suffer through abuse. You have my deepest sympathy. Though I do not know you... I hope this experience makes you a stronger person. I am not a martyr. I do feel guilt. I can't believe I became this person. I am ashamed of the actions I took. I know I can't go back. What's done is done. I made a mistake by wanting someone to want "me". We made mistakes that led me there. It takes two love and to fight. I have said that to myself many times. I held that secret for far too long. In the end it was not the cheating that ended my relationship... it was that I hid it for so long. I started the relationship with a lie (to myself). I changed who I was to become someone he wanted me to be. Now that he knows that, we can start new and I can be who I am. He may or may not like me, but that is his choice not mine. All we can do is try again. I say the ball is in his court. So long as there are secrets... he cannot really know you. I learned this once the hard way. Big secrets destroy intimacy. It may rob you both of happiness together. I have nothing more to say or share on this subject. I wish you the best.
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 It tears me up inside to say I have nothing new to tell. We did the individual tasks in the couples therapy workbook I found online. I have been asking him every night (except on Valentine's Day, the day he suggested we do it, since we had a baby sitter) to do the rest of the tasks. He hasn't touched the papers since. We have tried to talk. And when I mean talk, just talk about anything not about us. Like the other morning we were talking about sex. I asked him something that I have been wondering about for a long time (why I couldn't get him off a second time in one evening. I have never experienced that before. I thought it had something to do with me.) So when he said he really never has been able to "go" twice in one evening. I said, "Oh, I feel better. I thought something was wrong with me. I have never had a problem with that." He said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean? Did all your other "expletive, expletive" boyfriends satisfy you more than me? What a "expletive" great way to start the "expletive" morning off. Thanks!" He then walked out the door to go to work. He called me a few minutes later and I told him I didn't want to talk about anything with him anymore. I didn't feel safe expressing my feelings, because he always gets upset. I told him I was sorry for hurting his feelings. I didn't intend to do that. I was just letting him know that for all these years I thought something was wrong with me (like I didn't get him excited enough to go for round two) and to find out it's not "me" was a good thing. All he said was, "I accept your apology. Hope you day is ok." We haven't really talked since then. I mean we talk, but it just about normal day to day things. "We need dryer sheets." I had a really horrible day yesterday. I ended up at home crying. I asked him if I could have the night off. Go upstairs and just be alone. He was upset, he told me to do whatever. He said, "I have been doing the dishes and the laundry and helping with the cooking for weeks now. When are things going to get better?" I said, "You are only doing those things because I quit doing them." He said, "Yeah, I know. I even cleaned off the back of the toliet. When are things going to get better? When are you going to be back to your old self again?" I said, "You haven't heard a damn thing I have said over the last month. I having been trying to be someone you wanted all these years. It is not who I am. Now, I want to find me. Is it really that hard to help around the house? Help with our daughter? Is it really that hard to let me have some time for myself? I don't want to be unhappy anymore! Do you care that I am unhappy!?" He just said, "Whatever." I should just get the affair off my chest. Maybe he would tell me to get out. Then he could really blame me for "our" relationship going do the toliet. I guess it (we) is what it is.
Geishawhelk Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 No. It's what you make it. You have choices, you know. Re-read this whole thread, and in view of what has now happened, read it in a new light. Then, choose.
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 No. It's what you make it. You have choices, you know. Re-read this whole thread, and in view of what has now happened, read it in a new light. Then, choose. I need to sh*t of get of the pot. Too bad the economy is in the pot I am trying to sh*t on. That makes leaving very difficult. When I met him, he was still living at home. He had never moved out. If I just leave he can't afford to live in the house without my income. I am the breadwinner. We own the house together. We have many things to discuss, if he ever will. Living day to day, minute by minute.
Geishawhelk Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 What you do is this: You call a member of your family to come get you and your daughter. You move out. You contact him and tell him you're filing for divorce due to irreconcilable differences. you reach a settlement. You get your own place. He supports your daughter, and you, if necessary, until you get on your feet. There's always a way. ALWAYS a way.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I did tell him I want to move closer to my family. He outright says he will not move. And why would he want to? That is where your X is. An X you cheated on him with. I am lost up $#& creek with out a paddle. I know there is no easy fix, but what do you do when you feel like your SO has givin up on "us"? Since you cheated, he is probably thinking that it is YOU that has given up. If you aren't going to be happy with him and want to move 14 hours away when he doesn't, then you are just going to have to move or be unhappy. you aren't married and I don't think you should be. Only one problem. Because YOU want to move, his child will be taken away from him. The decent thing to do, if he would be able and willing, would be to give custody to him. But we both know that isn't going to happen. the way I see it, you are going to have to move....take his child away from him, and be happy 14 hours away near your family while accepting the fact that you did him VERY dirty.
Geishawhelk Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 you aren't married and I don't think you should be. Stupid me. No divorce necessary, of course! *slapshead*! Only one problem. Because YOU want to move, his child will be taken away from him. The decent thing to do, if he would be able and willing, would be to give custody to him. But we both know that isn't going to happen. the way I see it, you are going to have to move....take his child away from him, and be happy 14 hours away near your family while accepting the fact that you did him VERY dirty. However this pans out it's gonna stink, whatever happens.
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Only one problem. Because YOU want to move, his child will be taken away from him. The decent thing to do, if he would be able and willing, would be to give custody to him. But we both know that isn't going to happen. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be happy. I am so unhappy now, I know I am not doing a good job at anything (motherhood, career, spirituality, fiance, friend, etc.). I don't know if he would want custody. He still won't really even sit down and talk to me. I would even be willing to move closer to my family. He won't. Like I have said Dex, I know what I did was wrong. Wrong on many levels or morality. I also know I cannot change it or fix it. It is what brought the light bulb above my head (I hadn't realized I was so unhappy, I was complacent). It is what it is. On the other hand know I have tried, and continue to try to find the underlying cause for my and his unhappiness with "us". I have tried to talk with him about how I feel, how he feels. We haven't, yet, figured out a way to communicate with out hurting each other (not physically). I have asked him to go to MC (knowing that going may lead to him discovering my unfaithfulness). He doesn't want to spend money on that. Geishawhelk - You are right, it's gonna stink and be very, very hard for all three of us.
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