lostsoulmate Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I have been with my fiance for six years. We have been engaged for two. We have a four year old daughter together. I live 14 hours (by car) from any of my family. I feel unhappy, I am trying to make our relationship work. I asked him about going to counseling, he said no he wouldn't pay for something like that. Where do I go now? I have made mistakes in our relationship, so has he. I want to try and fix it, but I feel like he has givin up. Do I keep pushing the issue or do I leave it alone and end up leaving him? We have been talking about how unhappy I am for about a month. Nothing has changed. He acts like I never said anything about being unhappy. I did tell him I want to move closer to my family. He outright says he will not move. I am lost up $#& creek with out a paddle. I know there is no easy fix, but what do you do when you feel like your SO has givin up on "us"?
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Why not explain to him that there are things that need saying but that you don;t feel equipped or secure talking about them, and you feel counselling is what YOU need.... And please, does he not value your relationship enough to see that this is a cry for help? It shouldn't be about cost. It should be about putting the two of you first. Can he not see that? If he sticks to his guns, think of option B...... And consider a separation. Get in touch with someone from your family and ask them to come and pick you up. Or at least to be able to stay with them for a while whilst you think things over. Sometimes, people need a bit of a wake-up call to show them things aren't as they should be......
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Why not explain to him that there are things that need saying but that you don;t feel equipped or secure talking about them, and you feel counselling is what YOU need.... And please, does he not value your relationship enough to see that this is a cry for help? It shouldn't be about cost. It should be about putting the two of you first. Can he not see that? If he sticks to his guns, think of option B...... And consider a separation. Get in touch with someone from your family and ask them to come and pick you up. Or at least to be able to stay with them for a while whilst you think things over. Sometimes, people need a bit of a wake-up call to show them things aren't as they should be...... I did tell him that most of the issues we are having is because "I" need to get myself together. But when we talk about the fights we have and that they are the same fight over and over. I told him I don't think we listen to each other very good. We may hear what the other is saying, but not actually listen. I don't think he does value our relationship. I think from the beginning he has always thought I would leave him to move closer to my family. Maybe he projected that energy to me, and here we are. I know it should be about putting "us" first, when I look back over the last six years, it has never been about "us" but him, then us. I should of seen this coming. How did I get here?
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 We "get here" by hoping things will change and trusting that the other will make efforts for us and put us first. But if it isn't like that in the beginning, chances are - short of a devastating about-turn - they never will be. If you honestly see little hope in this developping constructively, or positively for you - then you hasve two choices: be open-eyed and aware that this is where you are, this is what it's always going to be like, and you have to suck it up - or - Be open-eyed, and aware that this is where you are, this is what it's always going to be like - and leave. If you decide to stay, you almost have to distance yourself from him, look to your own well-being, pride, self-respect and dignity. The further you'll drift from him, the more likely you will become estranged, and he will as likely look elsewhere for physical comfort. And probably, so might you. If it's so damaged that this is all you see, consider the option of removing yourself, and filing for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. Nothing is ever easy, though, simple though it is.
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 We "get here" by hoping things will change and trusting that the other will make efforts for us and put us first. But if it isn't like that in the beginning, chances are - short of a devastating about-turn - they never will be. If you honestly see little hope in this developping constructively, or positively for you - then you hasve two choices: be open-eyed and aware that this is where you are, this is what it's always going to be like, and you have to suck it up - or - Be open-eyed, and aware that this is where you are, this is what it's always going to be like - and leave. If you decide to stay, you almost have to distance yourself from him, look to your own well-being, pride, self-respect and dignity. The further you'll drift from him, the more likely you will become estranged, and he will as likely look elsewhere for physical comfort. And probably, so might you. If it's so damaged that this is all you see, consider the option of removing yourself, and filing for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. Nothing is ever easy, though, simple though it is. I have already cheated. That's what opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn't happy. What do I do with the guilt I feel for him? If I leave, and my daughter goes with me, he is left alone with only is father. His mother died this past November. I found her. Bad memories. I have a few posts in the getting married forum. I tried to deal with my guilt of having cheated first. But going through that and trying to really see what "our" issues were I realized that I have giving him opportunities, I have cried out for help before in "our" relationship. He treated those opportunities like he is treating "us" now. With no respect for me. I am not saying he is a awful guy, he is very selfish. At times, I am too. Aren't we all? By the way, we are not married, yet. I stress yet, because I will not marry him if I still feel this way down the road. If I stay on this road, maybe a right turn would be good about now. I am so lost... how did I end up here, again?
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I have already cheated. That's what opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn't happy. What do I do with the guilt I feel for him? If I leave, and my daughter goes with me, he is left alone with only is father. His mother died this past November. I found her. Bad memories. I have a few posts in the getting married forum. I tried to deal with my guilt of having cheated first. But going through that and trying to really see what "our" issues were I realized that I have giving him opportunities, I have cried out for help before in "our" relationship. He treated those opportunities like he is treating "us" now. With no respect for me. I am not saying he is a awful guy, he is very selfish. At times, I am too. Aren't we all? By the way, we are not married, yet. I stress yet, because I will not marry him if I still feel this way down the road. If I stay on this road, maybe a right turn would be good about now. I am so lost... how did I end up here, again? Does he know about the cheating? That may be why is checked out. From the sounds of things, I would not have much hope for this relationship. I'm sure he will be fine without you, but I don't think you should take your daughter away from her dad. You can split and move, but you should stay somewhat close. If you move across the country it just isn't fair to your child. You have a responsibility as a mother. Respect goes both ways. How can you expect it... if you don't give it?
carhill Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Go to counseling by yourself. From reading your past threads, IC can help you define your role and responsibility in this current dynamic and hopefully enable you to make healthier decisions going forward.
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Does he know about the cheating? That may be why is checked out. From the sounds of things, I would not have much hope for this relationship. I'm sure he will be fine without you, but I don't think you should take your daughter away from her dad. You can split and move, but you should stay somewhat close. If you move across the country it just isn't fair to your child. You have a responsibility as a mother. Respect goes both ways. How can you expect it... if you don't give it? No he doesn't know about the cheating. And he will not. If we can't work out our differences, I will be moving two states away. Not across the country. I do have a responsibility as a mother, to be the best I can be, with my families support which is 14 hours away be car.
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Emotionally, it sounds as if you've both left the marriage already. Not leaving because you feel sorry for him in his situation, or out of pity, is frankly ridiculous, and a little insulting to his status as a son to his father. That, frankly, is none of your buisness. Your priority is adjusting your life and that of your daughter to gain the best for both of you. Now stop prevaricating and get a grip, and do something.
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Emotionally, it sounds as if you've both left the marriage already. Not leaving because you feel sorry for him in his situation, or out of pity, is frankly ridiculous, and a little insulting to his status as a son to his father. That, frankly, is none of your buisness. Your priority is adjusting your life and that of your daughter to gain the best for both of you. Now stop prevaricating and get a grip, and do something. The decision making part is what I am the worst at.
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 What you don't seem to realise is that You've already made the decision. You cheated on your husband. That was your decision. That's grounds for divorce, right there. Adultery. So effectively the marriage is over. He refuses to consider counselling. That was his decision. That's grounds for divorce right there. Irreconcilable differences. So effectively, the marriage is over. The decision is made. You just have to get off your butt and put the theory into practice. It's already decided. Now, you juist have to do it.
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 What you don't seem to realise is that You've already made the decision. You cheated on your husband. That was your decision. That's grounds for divorce, right there. Adultery. So effectively the marriage is over. He refuses to consider counselling. That was his decision. That's grounds for divorce right there. Irreconcilable differences. So effectively, the marriage is over. The decision is made. You just have to get off your butt and put the theory into practice. It's already decided. Now, you juist have to do it. We are not married. Me cheating was a bad decision. I have made a decision in my heart, not with my head. Emotions jade you. I did some research about MC. Seems like a lot of people don't really get any help from attending. So I looked for a different approach. I found a website about how to fix a marriage before it's too late. Larry Bilotta has put together some very good FREE resources. I have feel better today than I have in 5 years after reading the info. I sat down last night and read through all the FREE information. Did the tasks and then showed it to my fiance. He didn't seem interested at first, but when I told him that these new "stupid papers" (as he calls them) said MC wasn't always the answer he suddenly had interest. We went about our normal evening activities with a four year old. Once she was in bed, I went to bed. An hour later I couldn't figure out why my fiance hadn't come to bed. I got up and went into the living room. He was reading all the information too!!!! He even had a pen, and was completing the tasks!!!! He didn't see me, so I just went back to bed. Then this morning he told me he read through everything and it all made sense. He wants to sit down together this weekend and do the tasks that we are supposed to do together. I almost fell over. He also told me he feels better than he has in a long time. I almost fell over again, I told I feel better too. I think this is the beginning of the path to "us" working out. I have hope again. We will see. Only time can tell. But for the first time in years, I don't feel like I "need" to move home. I don't feel like a failure.
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 OP, I'm all about self-help and do think, sometimes arrogantly, that I'm a pretty smart guy who can figure everything out but I'm here to tell you, in matters of psychology, that intellectual and emotional challenge from a third party who doesn't care is a meaningful one and often cathartic one. Meaningful and healthy change does not happen overnight. I, too, read books and information about my particular emotional setpoint and how to better integrate it into relationships, but it was the psychologist who brought real context and clarity to the "how". Over a year later, I can now talk about it in clear and calm terms and can see how much work there is left to do (now on my own, out of MC). I hope your path works out for the two of you. That is the end game, having a healthy relationship. I wish you well
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 No he doesn't know about the cheating. And he will not. If we can't work out our differences, I will be moving two states away. Not across the country. I do have a responsibility as a mother, to be the best I can be, with my families support which is 14 hours away be car. I think that might be a touch too far. Then this morning he told me he read through everything and it all made sense. He wants to sit down together this weekend and do the tasks that we are supposed to do together. I almost fell over. He also told me he feels better than he has in a long time. I almost fell over again, I told I feel better too. I think this is the beginning of the path to "us" working out. I have hope again. We will see. Only time can tell. But for the first time in years, I don't feel like I "need" to move home. I don't feel like a failure. Ok... Look. If your going to divorce... just do it... it's your right. What you don't have the right to do is force him to stay married based on a LIE! You are a sick person if you think that is a fine thing to do! If he is going to put all this effort into making your marriage work... You are honor bound to disclose the affair. Otherwise your building the rest of your marriage on a lie. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to him, it's not fair to your children. I don't see where you even have a right to keep that a secret, and sucker him into working on the marriage. He deserves to make that choice. Only a disgusting person would take that away from him! I don't think you are a bad person, so I believe you will do the right thing.
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 You are the cheater, so what gives you the right to any consideration whatsoever?
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 I think that might be a touch too far. Ok... Look. If your going to divorce... just do it... it's your right. What you don't have the right to do is force him to stay married based on a LIE! You are a sick person if you think that is a fine thing to do! If he is going to put all this effort into making your marriage work... You are honor bound to disclose the affair. Otherwise your building the rest of your marriage on a lie. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to him, it's not fair to your children. I don't see where you even have a right to keep that a secret, and sucker him into working on the marriage. He deserves to make that choice. Only a disgusting person would take that away from him! I don't think you are a bad person, so I believe you will do the right thing. We are not married. I cheated. I made a mistake, and now I know why I did it. I have learned from it. I rarely make the same mistake twice.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 We are not married. I cheated. I made a mistake, and now I know why I did it. I have learned from it. I rarely make the same mistake twice. Married or not you are supposed to be in an exclusive relationship right? It's not about you doing it again or not. You are required to let him make the choice of staying with you or not. Taking that choice away is evil. It's taking away his freedom, and enslaving him for your own selfish desires. I get the feeling that your just starting to understand relationships. Clearly this is something you need to put some extra thought into. If you walk away and end it now... you don't have to tell. If you choose to stay with him, you no longer have that choice. I feel like your choosing not to tell is based on fear. What are you afraid of happening?
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 When she tells, she gives up power. It's really as simple as that. The person who cares the least has the most control (and power)
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 When she tells, she gives up power. It's really as simple as that. The person who cares the least has the most control (and power) Carhill, Unfair. Give up what power? I care the least. How could you possibly know that?
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Married or not you are supposed to be in an exclusive relationship right? It's not about you doing it again or not. You are required to let him make the choice of staying with you or not. Taking that choice away is evil. It's taking away his freedom, and enslaving him for your own selfish desires. I get the feeling that your just starting to understand relationships. Clearly this is something you need to put some extra thought into. If you walk away and end it now... you don't have to tell. If you choose to stay with him, you no longer have that choice. I feel like your choosing not to tell is based on fear. What are you afraid of happening? Enslaving him for my own selfish desires?
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Enslaving him for my own selfish desires? Poetic license for saying that your allowing him to work on a relationship that doesn't exist. The question stands. What are you afraid of? Is it as Carhill says and you are afraid of giving up power?
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Poetic license for saying that your allowing him to work on a relationship that doesn't exist. The question stands. What are you afraid of? Is it as Carhill says and you are afraid of giving up power? I am not afraid to tell him. I don't think it is necessary. "We" are working on the issues that helped me stray to begin with. Neither of "us" have been meeting each other needs.
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Retaining damaging secrets conveys power. You have the power to hurt him greatly. Sharing the secret shifts the relational dynamic, giving him more power and making you more vulnerable (through the act of sharing/revealing) to that power. IMO, the only way to share and not lose power is if you care for him not at all; if you are truly indifferent to his existence, you can reveal all and retain full control. You can disagree, just as I did with our psychologist. I think I called him a few names too
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I am not afraid to tell him. I don't think it is necessary. "We" are working on the issues that helped me stray to begin with. Neither of "us" have been meeting each other needs. If you told him... what do you think he would do?
Geishawhelk Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 UF, you got issues, take 'em somewhere else. It seems this lady has got some progress, and instead of deciding to break up the realtionship, she's determined to work at it. Some things, sometimes are better left unsaid, if saying them is going to tip the balance towards a negative outcome. She may tell him in time, when the time is right. It may come, it may not. But stop projecting your anger onto other people. These folk come here for help, support and constructive criticism. I am harsher than most, but at least my contributions are always tempered to being constructive. you -you're just "tempered."
Recommended Posts