lexi29 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 My fiance and I are moving in together soon. We've been engaged for almost a year. Were supposed to get married 5 months ago but I postponed the wedding as I was not ready. A year and a half ago (before we were engaged) he left me suddenly to be with one of his exes. He only dated her for two weeks before he realized it was a mistake. It took awhile but we got back together and truly, things were better than they ever were except I lived with the constant fear that he was going to leave me again. It took until after our scheduled wedding date had past for me to realize he's not going to abandon me again. I think that during that time I subconciously did some thing to "test" him or push him away to see if he would leave me (not cheating or anything). I had thought that I was over what he did back then. He's been a totally different guy since then and is normally very loving and wants to do things to make me happy and he always wants me around. He says he can't imagine his life without me. Last night we had this great heart-to-heart talk. He was telling me some of his fears and we were discussing things and he just needed a little reassurance. We talked and some of the things he said brought tears to my eyes (in a good way!). I just felt totally safe and very loved by him and had such strong feelings of love for him and this ABSOLUTELY sure feeling that this guy is the right one. That he is my best friend and I love him so much. It was such an open, honest conversation and I brought up the past (how he left me for his ex) and he said things that showed me he is truly regretful of that and would never do that to me again (and his actions along the way have shown me this too, this is what has allowed me to heal) He said he knows exactly what he wants and thats a life with me and never to lose me again. I went to bed last night with just the most amazing sense of peace and contentment. Felt all these warm and fuzzy feelings for him. Like he's my soulmate or something. I was just so happy and felt so loved. There was not a single thing bothering me and I swear I fell asleep with a smile on my face. Well, I had the most horrible dreams last night and they feel so real this morning. I dreamt that my fiance and I went out to a party and I couldn't find him and then I saw him and his ex (the one he left me for) making out. In this dream once we were home, I asked him if that was his ex and he said yes and I was really upset and screaming at him asking why was he kissing her. He said he didn't know, that she was there and he was happy to see her. Then he turned it around on me and blamed me, saying he wasn't sure if I was going to move in with him or not so he was keeping his options open. Then (in this dream) he admitted he'd hooked up with another girl I didn't know (the same night). In the dream I was so angry and in disbelief and saying how could you do this to me? and I was crying and felt so betrayed. Now, none of this happened in real life. It was just a dream. But i have no idea where it came from. Yesterday I felt so in love with him and so safe and happy!! And then I have this dream. I used to have dreams like this shortly after we got back together. But I've felt like I have healed from the past (he didn't cheat on me back then, but he did leave me abruptly). I don't understand what brought this on. THe only thing I can think of is I was watching a movie last night in which a woman's husband had an affair. But then two women were also kidnapped during the movie and I didn't dream about that. I also dreamed that I bought a new car and that's not going to happen either. I just don't understand why this dream has shaken me up so badly. And why in the world did it happen right after I had an incredible night with my fiance?
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 It's just your subconscious turfing sh*1*t and getting rid of crap out of the garbage can. leave it where it is, on your pillow. Or wash your pillow case and get rid of it all once and for all. Forget dreams. They're just a way for our subconscious to bring up all the dross we've got in there, and turf it when it's safe to do so. I'm afraid I'm not one of these people who ascribes deep meaningful reasons to dreams. They're just extraneous images. Forget it.
Treasa Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 It's just your subconscious turfing sh*1*t and getting rid of crap out of the garbage can. leave it where it is, on your pillow. Or wash your pillow case and get rid of it all once and for all. Forget dreams. They're just a way for our subconscious to bring up all the dross we've got in there, and turf it when it's safe to do so. I'm afraid I'm not one of these people who ascribes deep meaningful reasons to dreams. They're just extraneous images. Forget it. Ditto. Sometimes I have dreams where I'm trying to put a gigantic, three-foot-wide contact lens into my eye, and I'm holding it in both hands. Sometimes dreams are just dreams.
AlektraClementine Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 This is on/off topic. I was watching an old stand up routine of Mitch Hedburg's (RIP) and he said this on the subject of dreams. "Man dreams are stupid. They are whack. I can be laying down after a wonderful day...good feelings all around...getting sleepy and falling into a restful slumber and then WHAM...I gotta build a race car with my ex-landlord"
Author lexi29 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Ditto. Sometimes I have dreams where I'm trying to put a gigantic, three-foot-wide contact lens into my eye, and I'm holding it in both hands. Sometimes dreams are just dreams. lol, I've had a dream like that before!
Lucky_One Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 It's just your subconscious turfing sh*1*t and getting rid of crap out of the garbage can. leave it where it is, on your pillow. Or wash your pillow case and get rid of it all once and for all. Forget dreams. They're just a way for our subconscious to bring up all the dross we've got in there, and turf it when it's safe to do so. I'm afraid I'm not one of these people who ascribes deep meaningful reasons to dreams. They're just extraneous images. Forget it. Yep. Dreams don't have a whole lot of meaning to me. I had a sexy dream once where I was rubbing against the fender of a car while I was waiting for the gas to stop pumping; I certainly didn't start thinking that it meant I was crushing for my auto!
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 You are sad, sick people and I'm in a panic now. :laugh: Actually, has anyone ever dreamt they were the opposite sex? I've had two significant dreams that I can remember, when I was male in my dream, and getting jiggy with it, with a young lady.... I have no idea whom.... In both cases, I could remember what she looked like, but it was nobody I really knew. Talk about sad or sick!! No but really, has anyone dreamt that?
AlektraClementine Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 yes. I had a dream about six months ago that I had a Penis. And in it, I was....um....pleasuring myself.
carhill Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 OP, I'll just say, as someone who analyzes dreams and the subconscious, that what you experienced appears to be very detailed and complex. Meaningful? Unclear. That said, I see a message in the details of your recollection. Did you and your fiance get PMC? If so, how did that go? Have you re-set the wedding date?
Treasa Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I've never had dreams that I was a male, but I've often had dreams of being intimate with another girl. I also can't 1) run or 2) climb stairs in my dreams. I have to crawl, or I move incredibly slowly and against a lot of invisible resistance.
Author lexi29 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 OP, I'll just say, as someone who analyzes dreams and the subconscious, that what you experienced appears to be very detailed and complex. Meaningful? Unclear. That said, I see a message in the details of your recollection. Did you and your fiance get PMC? If so, how did that go? Have you re-set the wedding date? No, we haven't reset the wedding date (my doing). We did attend several sessions of PMC. It was with the preacher that was going to marry us. I liked him and felt that SOME of the sessions were worthwhile but I feel he skimmed past some things. When I told him about my fear of abandonment because of the past (his ex) the preacher just asked my fiance what he felt about that and he told me it would never happen again because now he knew what he wanted and it was 100% me and that was that. The preacher just wrapped it up, and told him he needs to reassure me from time to time. To me, it was a HUGE issue and the preacher seemed more concerned with finances (which we had figured out). Also it wasn't as though we could be totally honest with him.
Lucky_One Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Why go to PMC if you couldn't be honest with him?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 To me, it was a HUGE issue and the preacher seemed more concerned with finances (which we had figured out). Also it wasn't as though we could be totally honest with him. Lexi, you were having HUGE issues with finances... is all that worked out. Are you still going to rent the house?
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Lex, trust me, spend a few bucks and get the two of you in front of a competent clinical psychologist and be open and honest. You have a number of complex family issues that really need that kind of setting to work through. If you're both willing to be open to new ideas and ways of perceiving your relationship, you can be successful. Do you think you deserve to be loved and happy? Why?
Author lexi29 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Why go to PMC if you couldn't be honest with him? It's not like we had to lie to him but he was a preacher and he told us up front that he will not marry couples that live together- that was fine because we are one of the few engaged couples that don't live together. However, after we had already paid him and started counseling he mentioned he will not marry couples who have slept together before they are married. Well we have obviously had sex (my fiance has a 9 year old) and I'm sure the preacher had to know that (some of the questions on the PMC test we took were about our sex life and how compatible we were) but he told us not to mention anything that wasn't pg-rated and he acted like we were not having sex (we just didn't mention it). Now sex wasn't one of our issues but it was strange having to pretend we'd never been intimate together when we'd probably had sex twice that day before going to see the preacher. We weren't lying to him about anything else, just pretending along with him (as he seemed to request) that we weren't sexually active. Honestly, and this is way off topic, I don't understand how anyone would expect a couple in their late twenties/early thirties (especially when one partner already has a child) would not be sexually active. I know there are individuals out there that wait for marriage and thats great but to expect EVERYONE to do this is just unrealistic. Sex is a big part of compatibility.
Author lexi29 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Lex, trust me, spend a few bucks and get the two of you in front of a competent clinical psychologist and be open and honest. You have a number of complex family issues that really need that kind of setting to work through. If you're both willing to be open to new ideas and ways of perceiving your relationship, you can be successful. Do you think you deserve to be loved and happy? Why? We actually did go see someone after we got engaged (an actual relationship counselor) and she just made me feel badly about myself (this was about my issues and feelings of abandonment) She kept pointing out that my fiance had proposed to me that he wanted to MARRY me. That this meant he was very serious about our relationship and it seemed like she took his "side". Just like I should be so happy and excited that he wanted to marry me (golly gee!!!) that I should just let go of my insecurties as though getting married just erases anything bad and makes everything roses and sunshine. And she kind of excused his behavior as everyone makes mistakes and he tried very hard to fix his. I was still in the place where i was very angry and hurt and felt that he shouldnt' have made the mistake in the first place. So that left a bad taste in my mouth. And this counselor was recommended too.
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 A good psychologist promotes balance and knows that every relationship has equal responsibility. In our sessions, once he interviewed my wife and I privately, he first started his work on me, then gradually brought my wife into the mix as time went by, showing her the responsibility she had in the relationship. My advice is, when you don't feel comfortable with a therapist, find another therapist. A good one will challenge you enough to cause your to look critically at yourself, but also will support and validate you on that journey. This is what psychology is all about. Was your therapist/counselor a licensed psychologist? I know the thread is about a dream but it was a relationship dream and a very negative one. Think of it as a mirror to your subconscious. It has nothing to do with your fiance, IMO.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I think there's alot more going on. How long have you been questioning your relationship with your bf? How many times have you thought of ending it because things weren't good between you two..Or re-thought moving in with him, let alone postponing the wedding twice. It's like deep down you know the answer but are terrified to admit that maybe you two aren't great as a couple. This isn't about love, the love may be there, but it's the rest of the stuff that's the problem. Your lives aren't meshing well together and that's why you have so many doubts about spending the rest of your life with him.
2sunny Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 even though the conversation was validating what you want to hear from your fiance', your mind was still stuck in the mode of wondering if this is everything he's telling you. you continue to try to get to the truth of the relationship - but then when it slaps you across the face - you seem surprised by it. his words have said one thing and his actions always say something opposite. therein lies your conflict. the actions speak the truth every time and you are unwilling to admit it to yourself. the dream was just an extension of your true reluctance to face the truth. it's right in front of you and you continue to be delusional about it. facts are facts when you watch the action - you are NOT the priority. let it go... or accept it.
Author lexi29 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 even though the conversation was validating what you want to hear from your fiance', your mind was still stuck in the mode of wondering if this is everything he's telling you. you continue to try to get to the truth of the relationship - but then when it slaps you across the face - you seem surprised by it. his words have said one thing and his actions always say something opposite. therein lies your conflict. the actions speak the truth every time and you are unwilling to admit it to yourself. the dream was just an extension of your true reluctance to face the truth. it's right in front of you and you continue to be delusional about it. facts are facts when you watch the action - you are NOT the priority. let it go... or accept it. Actually his words and his actions have matched up and that is what has let me heal from the past. I haven't suspected him of talking to anyone else or doing anything behind my back. We've ran into that ex a few times recently and he has no interest in her. I felt perfectly secure with him. That is why I was wondering where in the heck that dream was coming from. Are you saying he's going to leave me for another woman? That another woman is more of a priority instead of me? I'm confused... If you are refering to his son being a priority over me isn't that the way its supposed to be?
Recommended Posts