theBrokenMuse Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I need to leave my H. The relationship is toxic and he's emotionally unavailable. He's very cruel to me and I don't love him anymore. Why can't I get the ball rolling when I know I should be running from this guy at top speed? I feel completely spent. I'm numb and I just can't find the energy or motivation to put one foot in front of the other anymore. I find myself apathetic to taking the first step. The emotional abuse over the years has worn me down. Not that it was very hard for him to accomplish. I had a very emotionally abusive Dad who treated me much of the same way. My father hated me because he blamed me for him being 'stuck' with my mother. Due to this I was pretty much blind to what was happening until it reached huge proportions. As much as I wish I could say otherwise, I don't feel like a strong person anymore and I don't feel independent. This just feels like too much for me to handle. No man I have ever loved has really loved me back, why didn't I learn my lesson and just stay away from them? I must be a masochist.
Edna07 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 When you find out, let me know. I'm going through the SAME thing right now. I know I just need to file the GD papers and get it done with. They're all ready to go. I have a lawyer on retainer. So why can't I just get off my butt and DO IT? I am in a very similar situation as you. My husband is also emotionally abusive, has anger issues, control issues. One thing I find that helps is to GET MAD and STAY MAD. I constantly remind myself of the crappy things he has done to me over the years. Sure, there were good times in there too, but for me, the bad so outweighs the good. I also struggle because we have 2 kids together. I know he loves them and doesn't want to be away from them, but I have to start thinking of myself first. I'm not a good mom to my kids when I'm with him because I'm so beat down. I want them to have a strong female role model in their life and for them to know it's NOT OK to treat another person like this.
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Ladies, ladies, ladies.... Nancy Regan once said: "A woman is like a teabag - you never know how strong she can be until she gets into hot water." I had a lot of admiration for that woman. She was always elegant, and devoted to her husband, but had a brain in her head and a tongue in her mouth and she wasn't scasred or intimidsated to use both. An exercise I used to do was to picture the woman I respected most. The one I admired, looked up to and felt was a shining example to womanhood in general. I ended up with a cross between Queen Boudicca and Audrey Hepburn. weird I know, but it worked for me....! You both need to give yourselves a swift kick in the pantz and "woman up"!! You need to indignantly demand any justification for the behaviour of these men against you and realise it comes down to one thing, and one thing only: They treat you like cr*p because you let them. If you intend to continue living this way, being downtrodden, miserable and shoeleather impersonators, me, Boudi and Aud will just toddle off now and leave you two doormats to it..... Come on girls - Feckin' move and do something!!!!
Edna07 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Another thing that is really helping me is that we are separated right now. I can think more clearly when he is out of the house and I can SEE him manipulating me and it's MADDENING! Last night, I was going through the paperwork for our taxes (he left them for me to do) and he had left a freaking article from Oprah.com that talks about "Are you disappointed vs. depressed". It talks about how people get disappointed when the honeymoon period is over and mundane daily life takes over. OMG I was so mad. He is STILL trying to get me to take blame for what is going on here. NOT the fact that he is passive/aggressive, emotionally abusive, has anger issues and basically is just not a nice person in general!
Edna07 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Oh and Geisha, I have read a lot of your posts and you are very insightful! I know I need to get off my butt... I'm headed that way!
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 One thing I find that helps is to GET MAD and STAY MAD. I wish I could get mad. I want to get mad but I feel nothing now. Nothing at all. I know that means I'm shutting down and it scares the crap out of me. Sometimes I think he's trying to drive me literally insane or to jump out the nearest window. If it wasn't for my kids, it wouldn't even sound like a half bad idea.
Edna07 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 So been there girl. I have thought the same thing, but my kids always jolt me back to reality.
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 ....I know that means I'm shutting down and it scares the crap out of me. . Good. Well let the fear of your children being without a mother, or living with a woman who has no spine, jolt you out of it. Everything you are doing now - EVERYTHING - is teaching your children to repeat the pattern. They will be like you and your H. If you care about them as much as yopu say you do - then you owe it to them to get off "yow fait @$$" and do something to move them away from this poisonous, toxic environment. Nothing could be as bad as this.
SueBee3490 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I am like you Broken & Edna. I feel stuck. I started a thread a few days ago about needing to get out of my marriage. Since I found out in 2003, he cheated on me, I knew I'd never feel the same about him again but I can't jumpstart myself to get moving. I gave the excuses of having the big house and with the job market and homes not selling, I wouldn't be able to get out of this marriage. I totally know how you feel and am trying to "jolt" myself into moving on with my life and leaving him behind.
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 What you all need is a good bonk. Nothing better to get a gal's juices flowing than someone getting her juices flowing. The only way you're ever going to get a satisfactory, worthwile and really great bonk - is to get out of where you are now. Unless you want to remain celibate for the rest of your lives, or find yourselves in bed, being screwed by the one person you believe to be beneath contempt.
edgeof27 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Same advice I gave to Radar; get out, now.... don't waste anymore time, it's time to move on, improve yourelf, find someone else, g...
doomed Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 You ladies all sound like my STBX wife. She's had her attorney for almost a year. Told him to get started, and then changed her mind and told him to stop. Screaming mad all the time. She requested that I live elsewhere twice over the holidays and I finally did in early january. THEN she says divorce isn't the right thing to do, and she's NOT going to file. She's still flaming pissed off. Put us together 30 seconds and its out of control rage. She still doesn't want a divorce ??? She demands that I file. She says its her job to suffer everything that I will do to our family, but I'm the one out of the house, away from the kids, etc. She rails at me for not missing her, tells me this marriage can't be over soon enough. She complains that I never call just to say I miss her, then tells me to file my own divorce if thats what I want. She yells at me that the problems are mine to fix, then goes onto say the most horrible things: I make her sick, She'd rather be dead than spend a minute with me, I suck the life out of everybody around me, blah blah blah. I'm not buying into it for a second, but this doesn't sound like a woman who doesn't want a divorce. I'm getting nothing but equally balanced mixed messages. If I knew what YOU were waiting for or doing or thinking, maybe I'd have a clue what SHE is waiting for or doing or thinking. You dig ? What on earth are you ladies waiting for ? And would your H's say the same kind of things I am ? doomed
Edna07 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I read your story doomed, and I don't think that you and I can draw parallels here. It sounds like you and your stbx abuse each other. I have NEVER EVER treated my husband the way he treats me. I have been his emotional punching bag for the last 3 years. I have sat him down on no less than 6 occasions to tell him that the anger outbursts, controlling behavior, lack of respect, dishonesty, etc. etc. etc. has to STOP. I had requested counseling twice. He declined. I finally get to the point where I am DONE because I have been trying for SO LONG and NOW he decides that he has had an epiphany and will change. I've been wanting him to change for SOOOO long. That is all I wanted. So now he says he is going to change and I sit and wonder YET AGAIN if it is actually going to happen. Because if he COULD change FOR REAL, then we might have a shot. But I have received empty promises so many times, I have some real trust issues here. So at this point, I am trying to figure out if it's too far gone. Has too much damage been done? Is this even salvageable? I don't think I can make that decision in a couple weeks (my husband's only been out of the house for 2 weeks). So yeah - I don't think our stories are remotely familiar.
Edna07 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Oh and I have NEVER asked my husband if he misses me and I really don't give a flying f**k if he does or not. At this point, I don't miss him. The main thing I am having a problem with is the guilt from him being away from the kids.
mendsley Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Hello ladies, my wife left me but on a different situation. She lives by herself and the kids and seem to be very happy. I have to say it kills me to think that she can do this, I have supported her for many years and she just ups and bounces, and it working for her. Maybe this is not the right advice but, if you are content about wanting to leave and do not see a future. Than show him you don't need him GET OUT, from personal experience it will eat him alive. It will make you feel good to see this, to see that you make your decisions and he has no control over it. Life is full of people who talk about what could be, should of been and procrastinations. It will work out I promise you that, it might be tough at first but weigh out your current situation and what could be and see if it is worth it Good Luck! | MIKE |
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 ..... The main thing I am having a problem with is the guilt from him being away from the kids. Edna, I hate to say it, but this is NOT your problem. This is of his making. Provided you don't bad-mouth him infront of the kids and do nothing to either inhibit or prevent their contacting him, if they want to - you can't up him a gear to keep in touch with his own offspring, own flesh & blood, own fruit of his loins. This has to come from him. He has to generate the desire to maintian a constant contact with his children. I was out of touch with my daughters for nigh on 4 years after I separated from their father. The ins and outs aren't relevant here, suffice to say (with no malice or resentment) they chose to stay with - and "side" with their dad. OK. Fine. I never stopped contacting them, writing to them, and sending them e-mails, messages, cards and gifts (Christmas and Birthday). Now at long last, my eldest and I have re-established contact. Something we're both very happy about. My youngest is as silent as the tomb. But my eldest tells me this is nothing to do with hostility or resentment. She's like this with everyone. She's moved in with her BF, and her father, being less than 10 minutes away from her by car, is still unable to "keep tabs" on her. She'll be 18 this March, and then goodness knows what she'll do!! But I maintained contact throughout this period. If your Ex-H is not doing the same, and you aren't doing anything to contribute to this, then that truly is his problem. Not yours.
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 You ladies all sound like my STBX wife. And would your H's say the same kind of things I am ? I mean no disrespect doomed but I want you to go back and look at what was actually posted by the other ladies and myself on this thread and then look at your own story. Then try to find just one parallel other than 'it's the wife who wants out'. That should answer your question.
edgeof27 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I need to leave my H. The relationship is toxic and he's emotionally unavailable. He's very cruel to me and I don't love him anymore. Why can't I get the ball rolling when I know I should be running from this guy at top speed? I feel completely spent. I'm numb and I just can't find the energy or motivation to put one foot in front of the other anymore. I find myself apathetic to taking the first step. The emotional abuse over the years has worn me down. Not that it was very hard for him to accomplish. I had a very emotionally abusive Dad who treated me much of the same way. My father hated me because he blamed me for him being 'stuck' with my mother. Due to this I was pretty much blind to what was happening until it reached huge proportions. As much as I wish I could say otherwise, I don't feel like a strong person anymore and I don't feel independent. This just feels like too much for me to handle. No man I have ever loved has really loved me back, why didn't I learn my lesson and just stay away from them? I must be a masochist. Dear Broken Muse, based on your this post, and your latest posting, *Happy F*****g Valentine"s, it's definently time to move on, step away, get out, waste no more time, g....
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