welose Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 This past July I moved from NY to FL. Why? My brother was going to college there so I decided to get an apartment with him. I got a job working from home, and I went to school online so I didn't really have much contact with the outside world. My brother hated FL so we moved back to NY in early December so he could go to college some where closer to home. I've been a tag-along forever. I have no future as far as my mind can stretch. -I haven't got a job since I got back home. -I'm not going to college because I don't know what I want to be and I really can't stand a formal classroom. -I refuse to sleep while everyone else is sleeping (idk why). -I've gained 40 pounds in the last 8 months and at the heaviest I've ever been. -I'm constantly lying to everyone around me to make them think that I'm even a little interested in future. I feel useless. Really totally useless. I bring nothing positive to anyone. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all day and night until something comes around for me. Some idea, some thought to do with my life. I need to know there's another person out there that's watching everyone else excel while they're just sitting in the passenger seat waiting for something to happen.
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I've been a tag-along forever. Why? Don't you have a mind of your own? I have no future as far as my mind can stretch. If you always tag along with others, you're not likely to develop this, are you? -I haven't got a job since I got back home. Have you bothered looking? -I'm not going to college because I don't know what I want to be and I really can't stand a formal classroom. This is apathy big-time, isn't it? -I refuse to sleep while everyone else is sleeping (idk why). I do. Because it means you'll be awake when they are. Right now, you'd rather play the avoidance game. If thery're not around you, they can't nag you. -I've gained 40 pounds in the last 8 months and at the heaviest I've ever been. Right. And what does this tell you? -I'm constantly lying to everyone around me to make them think that I'm even a little interested in future. Apathy, phobia, depression... sounds like a bit of all three, with emphasis on number 3..... I feel useless. Really totally useless. I bring nothing positive to anyone. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all day and night until something comes around for me. Some idea, some thought to do with my life. I need to know there's another person out there that's watching everyone else excel while they're just sitting in the passenger seat waiting for something to happen. Yup. There's definitely depression here, and I think you need to face it, sort it and get to the bottom of it. These feelings are natural in small doses. We all feel a bit like that sometimes. But this is too much, it's lingering and has taken you over. You need to get to the bottom of why you're a hanger-on instead of a go-getter...... Please try to see someone, or talk to someone. You need help and I think you'd do well to do something ASAP.....
The Collector Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Yup, sounds like you're suffering from depression. See a doctor, get some anti-depressants and maybe see a psychologist. You'll get better though. Work on some achievable goals. Don't think about the big future, just some little things you want to do.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 This past July I moved from NY to FL. Why? My brother was going to college there so I decided to get an apartment with him. I got a job working from home, and I went to school online so I didn't really have much contact with the outside world. As you have stated, you moved because you brother wished to. This would dictate that the move would possibly not fulfill or satisfy you because you moved on behalf of another person, not for yourself. Also when you moved you did not integrate with the state whatsoever. As you say your job kept you indoors as did your school. There was no way for you to connect to the environment. I must ask, were you any more connected when you were living in Florida? I've been a tag-along forever. I have no future as far as my mind can stretch. You do have a future. Everyone does. But because you have integrated yourself so closely into anothers life, your goals and ambitions are unclear. You need time to independtly consider what you wish to do for you. Part of being a tag-along is fear. Fear that you cannot function or exist alone. As such you tag along to someone who seems more forceful or organised, someone who makes plans, takes direction, appears to be going somewhere. As such you can move with them. But you do not truly move because you do not truly believe you have a future. As such you do not believe in change. As such you remain static. Whether in Florida or New York you do not seem to reach out. You keep static and unmoving because you don't believe you CAN change or have a future, so you take no steps towards achieving something you do not believe in. -I haven't got a job since I got back home. Is this through choice or circumstantial? A job brings validation to a person as it enables you to do something you are good at and develop skills. In not working you are not earning and not developing which will only fortify that you are going nowhere, have no future. -I'm not going to college because I don't know what I want to be and I really can't stand a formal classroom. I can understand with regard to not knowing what you want to be but not about a formal classroom. That is something you will have to accept and adjust to. See the bigger picture. If you have no specific career in mind why not consider a more generalised degree such as English or History which can open MANY career doors and does not tie you down to anything specific. -I refuse to sleep while everyone else is sleeping (idk why). It seems perhaps you may enjoy your loneliness? Again this is just what i'm getting from what you say so I could be wrong. If you are asleep then you are doing the same as everyone else. If you are awake then you are disconnected. You are awake, they are all asleep. You feel lonely, cut off. Also if you aren't working/at school you don't really NEED to sleep. You can sleep in the day instead of the night. You are operating on a different schedule to other people which is isolating you further. -I've gained 40 pounds in the last 8 months and at the heaviest I've ever been. Why not join a gym? I think you are suffering from severe self-esteem issues. You most likely do not believe you can do this either or don't like a gyms layout and so wouldn't wish to participate. Losing weight will give more confidence but you need more confidence in all areas. -I'm constantly lying to everyone around me to make them think that I'm even a little interested in future. This is the crux of the pain. You cannot admit to how you feel. You are hiding it. You don't need to cry in public or announce to everyone how you are feeling to alleviate some of your inner turmoil but you should perhaps contact a therapist or family member or friend who can listen and offer advice. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all day and night until something comes around for me. This is the issue. You want things to come to you. But nothing comes to anybody. You must put yourself out there if you want anything, either good or bad to come to you. I think this sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't belive you can be anything/anyone and so you take no steps to make anything happen. But really you are no more or less capable than anyone else. Your only block is a mental one.
TiredOfConfusion Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 welose, I kind of know how you feel. I just graduated from college in December and I have felt pretty useless trying to find a job and/or figure out what to do with my future. I feel like I lack the motivation I need and I've just been kind of sitting around waiting for something to hit me. I have lived with my sister for the past 3 years and for a while she was my main source of social support but now she has a serious boyfriend and has been spending more time with him, planning on moving in with him. I have other friends who have been in this limbo where they don't have a job, school, or other people to give them the sense that they are doing something with their lives. I definitely agree with the other responses that you seem depressed. You should talk to someone, whether it's your brother or a counselor or friend or whoever. Also, you need to take some action, even if it's just finding a part time job. It will make you feel better about yourself and give you more of a sense of self-worth which might give you some insight into what you want to do. That being said, I do know how it feels to not have a single clue what you want to do. You are not alone, you just need to stop being so hard on yourself and find something to make you feel productive.
Recommended Posts