4givrnt4gtr Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 So, I think Im done pretending things will work out the way I want them to, and Im actually seeing what is going to happen with my bf. ive wrote in here about how he is going to move away for graduate school back to his hometown. He knew this before he asked me out, I knew this before I said yes. Somehow though I convinced myself that we were going to work it out, that if we clicked well we would do the long distance thing. I even asked him about it a few days after we officially got together, and he said he would do it if it makes sense at the time. (Still a few months away...he moves in September). Its been on my mind a lot. Today I told him how I found out i wouldnt be graduating when I thought i was but a semester later. My plan was to finish up my school here and move up there to continue with my doctoral degree. I figured we could handle it for one year, so when I found out i had to stay another 6 months i was really irritated. He on the other hand didnt seem concerned at all, as if this events dont affect him at all. He talk to me saying that it would probably work for the best for me and that it might help me get some work experience anyway. We then continued talking about his school, about how he is applying to 5 different schools up north, some of which are state schools (as in he could apply down here as well). He also mentioned he thought of applying to out of the country schools as well but they didnt offer what he needed. I realized Im the only one here trying to make my life fit our relationship in the long term. Im thinking about how I can finish up sooner so we dont have to be separated for too long, while he isnt even thinking about being together at all once he moves away. And the worst thing is that besides that, he is incredibly sweet to me, so it has made it all very confusing. Why would he ask me out knowing he would leave. Why would he act so committed and loving and just wanting to be with me so badly, when in reality, its just an in the meantime thing. In any case, I realized I cannot be in this relationship anymore. As much as I like him, as much as I feel he treats me the way I had wished to be treated like for so long, I cannot do this. I know I will end up falling in love with him so badly that when the time for him to leave and say goodbye comes its gonna kill me. The only way for me to continue this relationship is holding back, and i just cannot do that. THe way he treats me and the way he makes me feel wouldnt allow me to do that. So my question is...how the hell do i do that. How do I break up with someone I want to be with so badly but I know its gonna end up in a lot of pain for me...what do I tell him.....please help me, this really really sucks.....
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Also, we've been dating for two months...am I expecting too much too soon?
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I think you knew what you were getting into when you started dating him and expecting more than that is unfair. You're trying to change the original "agreement." I don't know how to tell you to break up with him - that's going to have to be up to you. Just depends on how much you respect yourself to take care of a problem when you can see you're headed for a train wreck. Sticking around in hopes that he'll change his mind is setting yourself up for failure, and again - unfair to him. Never, never, never fall in love with a man's potential.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I think you knew what you were getting into when you started dating him and expecting more than that is unfair. You're trying to change the original "agreement." Well, I was not really sure when he asked me out if he was planning to keep the relationship going once he moved away, I assumed that he did since he was so persistent.Still, just to make sure I asked him straight out if he saw this as just a fling and he replied that he didnt, and that he was willing to try making the relationship work once he moved away. That's what made me stay and made me feel ok being in the relationship. However, the way he talks about the move makes me feel like im not in the plans and thats making me really anxious. I decided to bite the bullet and tell him exactly how I feel and ask him to be 100% honest with me about what his intentions in this relationship are. Especially because in one hand he seems like he really likes me a lot, he knows I really like him and he has been very persistent in wanting us to be committed to each other. In the other hand, it seems like he wants to leave everything behind when he moves, and that includes me. Im not sure if this is just my own distorted thinking...so I have no choice but to be honest and let him know how i feel and hear what he has to say.....
movingonandon Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Well, move away with him wherever he's going to school. Find a job wherever he goes, or go to school wherever he goes. You knew all this going into this relationship. So you either take the steps to avoid the break up (i.e. move away to be with him), or break it off (and don't whine). Sounds harsh, but these are your only options. The world is not going to change to suit you, so evaluate your priorities and stick with them. I know that this type of "advice" is the last thing women want to hear in such situations , but what do you expect - to tell you that everything's going to be ok ? It might be, but you should decide what are you willing to give for it. Case closed , and good luck .
Krytie TV Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 He on the other hand didnt seem concerned at all, as if this events dont affect him at all. He talk to me saying that it would probably work for the best for me and that it might help me get some work experience anyway. We then continued talking about his school, about how he is applying to 5 different schools up north, some of which are state schools (as in he could apply down here as well). He also mentioned he thought of applying to out of the country schools as well but they didnt offer what he needed. Holy Crap! For the first paragraph I thought you were talking about me. OK, it seems like you've made your mind up, but I have to give you a bit of insight that may or may not be what is going on with your bf. There comes a time in a person's life when the split happens. You begin to truly realize that you need to take care of yourself first, before anyone else. You learn this from planning your life for someone else one too many times and getting severely burned. This does not mean that this person also cannot love and want things to work out. Some of us believe that anyone is capable of anything. As such, to make decisions based on someone you've dated for two months is the first step on the way to misery. Who's to say that one month after deciding to settle on a decision that was not your first choice, your partner doesn't run off and have a drunken threesome or just decided "oh, Ive changed my mind... this relationship isn't for me"? It happens... daily. These are extremes but you have to know that people do these things all of the time. To be honest, his mindset is likely something like: I really like this girl, but I have to do what's right for me because she can flake on me at any minute. If we really are connected and she likes me/I like her enough to endure the situation, then that would be freaking sweet. But let's face it, people break up significantly more than they stay together forever, and the amount of regret I could have for passing on something that is incredibly important to me and will make my life better "forever" outweighs the importance of staying here for a definite maybe. What I'm saying is, don't hate him for having the resolve to follow his dream. So he doesn't cry at the thought of it. I have done exactly the same think as your bf and did not cry about it or express undying love, but that in no way meant I didn't take the entire experience seriously and did not really like the person. Life is full of risks, ya know. What's it worth to ya?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Krytie I totally see what you are saying and in fact I got a sense that that might be part of the issue. He dated a chick for a while and bassically lived his life thinking she would be it. Needless to say she left him for someone else after 5 years. I have the feeling this is something he needs to do for himself The thing is...im totally fine with that. In fact, I would not dream of asking him to stay for me. I know he needs to do this. My problem is that I fear that he is taking this relationship as just a fling. As in, he isnt including the possibility of "us" in his plans for the long run. Im not even sure this is the case, but thats my fear from the tone he uses when he talks about his move. Actually, as I said we talked about this before, and he reassured me saying that if it makes sense and the time, it would be silly of him to let it go just because he is moving. At the same time, his tone doesnt seem to corroborate what he said that night. Movingon....I actually thought about that as well. In fact I was planning to apply to a school that is near his school. See? this is my problem...im willing and thinking about how can we make it work despite the circumstances, but Im afraid Im the only one who is doing so. Not only that, but Im afraid im the only one wanting that. Again, im not 100% sure this is the case. I am planning to have a talk with him, ask him what are his thoughts regarding us once he moves away. I bassically want to find out if he truly wants to give us an honest chance at something more than just a fling. If thats the case then we're good...if not, i dont think i cant handled an in the meantime thing.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Holy Crap! For the first paragraph I thought you were talking about me. OK, it seems like you've made your mind up, but I have to give you a bit of insight that may or may not be what is going on with your bf. There comes a time in a person's life when the split happens. You begin to truly realize that you need to take care of yourself first, before anyone else. You learn this from planning your life for someone else one too many times and getting severely burned. This does not mean that this person also cannot love and want things to work out. Some of us believe that anyone is capable of anything. As such, to make decisions based on someone you've dated for two months is the first step on the way to misery. Who's to say that one month after deciding to settle on a decision that was not your first choice, your partner doesn't run off and have a drunken threesome or just decided "oh, Ive changed my mind... this relationship isn't for me"? It happens... daily. These are extremes but you have to know that people do these things all of the time. To be honest, his mindset is likely something like: I really like this girl, but I have to do what's right for me because she can flake on me at any minute. If we really are connected and she likes me/I like her enough to endure the situation, then that would be freaking sweet. But let's face it, people break up significantly more than they stay together forever, and the amount of regret I could have for passing on something that is incredibly important to me and will make my life better "forever" outweighs the importance of staying here for a definite maybe. What I'm saying is, don't hate him for having the resolve to follow his dream. So he doesn't cry at the thought of it. I have done exactly the same think as your bf and did not cry about it or express undying love, but that in no way meant I didn't take the entire experience seriously and did not really like the person. Life is full of risks, ya know. What's it worth to ya? Actually Krytie do you mind telling me what happened when you went thru this? Your mindset sounds a lot like what he's told me. Why did you break up with the person? (or did she break up with you?). I just want a sample of what maybe ahead for me if I decide to continue with this relationship
BCCA Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Krytie TV is making some excellent points. He really shouldn't be overly committal toward you. Truth be told, if he was chatting you up about how you two could make it work, he would either be stuck with that decision or forever be a douchebag in your eyes. I think he asked you out because he thinks youre a good person, but if he was honest about the circumstances, it could just be one of those bad timing situations that happen to us all, and always suck. You never know what could have been, and sometimes, the potential is a lot more appealing than the actual relationship. He has to hedge his bets, because youre in the EARLY stages of the relationship and youre talking about somewhat long term plans. He's probably torn between liking you right now, but not knowing what to expect a month or two from now. And it would be nearly impossible to make a rational decision under those circumstances. He's not going to be able to tell you how he is going to feel in September, or next week, for that matter, and even if you ask him and he gives you an answer, understand that it could change. Also, to me at least (others tell me if Im wrong), when Ive heard people talk about future plans that obviously dont involve me (school far away and out of the country), I kind of take it as a hint that they are planning a life without me. Doesnt mean hes a bad guy or that hes looking to get laid until he leaves at all, just that he is being careful to keep from leading you to believe something that could not be true. Everyone talks about what theyre going to do in the future, but few people get there. Ive had several girls chat me up about out wedding day, when we have kids, when we get old, etc...and then dumped me within days. Its actually more respectful to refrain from saying things youre not sure you mean, than to re-assure someone of something you simply cant promise. I wouldnt look to have a discussion per say, I would just tell him whats up. It seems like his priority is school and moving away, and unfortunately, not a relationship. Its understandable, although in your shoes, painful. I would just take a step back on this and dont become so wrapped up in the relationship. Even if you stay together, hes not going to be around after he leaves, so learn to be ok without him.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 . Also, to me at least (others tell me if Im wrong), when Ive heard people talk about future plans that obviously dont involve me (school far away and out of the country), I kind of take it as a hint that they are planning a life without me. Doesnt mean hes a bad guy or that hes looking to get laid until he leaves at all, just that he is being careful to keep from leading you to believe something that could not be true. Everyone talks about what theyre going to do in the future, but few people get there. Ive had several girls chat me up about out wedding day, when we have kids, when we get old, etc...and then dumped me within days. Its actually more respectful to refrain from saying things youre not sure you mean, than to re-assure someone of something you simply cant promise. I feel this way as well. My ex used to talk about his future wife and even talk about how I would be giving them counseling for a lower fee. I would get furious about this because it bassically made me feel like I was just an in the meantime girl. I hate that feeling. With my current bf its more tricky. As I said he talks about how he is going to leave etc. but when it comes to being emotional with me he seems super involved. Also, apparently he's liked me for years before we even got together so when he turns around and acts so nonchalant about his leaving kinda throws me for a loop. I guess I just dont understand how you can ask someone to be in a relationship with you, treat them like they are the next best thing after sliced bread, yet not know whether you would like this relationship to continue after a move. But i guess I can see how it could be a defense mechanism......totally see that. I wouldnt look to have a discussion per say, I would just tell him whats up. It seems like his priority is school and moving away, and unfortunately, not a relationship. Its understandable, although in your shoes, painful. I would just take a step back on this and dont become so wrapped up in the relationship. Even if you stay together, hes not going to be around after he leaves, so learn to be ok without him. Yeah, ive gone from "im just going to end it" to "Ill have a talk with him" to Ill just mention it...maybe even casually ask what his thoughts/feelings are when he thinks about the move regarding us. I know its impossible to predict the future, but I just want to know that his mind is open for more than just a fling if it comes down to it. I cant ask him to promise me thats whats going to happen, but bassically I want to have the freedom to feel as much or as little as I could feel with him without having to restrict myself to "oh...but he's leaving". I dont think i can stay in a relationship for too long if I have to hold back on my feelings, especially when he treats me the way he does and I feel so connected to him. I just wouldnt be able to enjoy us anymore. But in any case, what do you suggest I tell him? I guess I want to know whether he is funtioning with the thought that the relationship is going to end and he is ok with that. Not sure how to go about asking that without sounding like Im asking for a promise
BCCA Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Not sure how to go about asking that without sounding like Im asking for a promise See, and thats just it. Anything you ask him to answer for you is going to be just that, a re-assurance that may turn out to be untrue for one reason or another. I think the empowering thing to do is to make your intentions clear, and see if hes on board with it. Just know though, that he could just not be sure right now, and thats better than him telling you what you want to hear. I would say the truth. Youre starting to get emotional attached to him, and you think hes a great guy, but youre concerned because his future plans, at least short term, dont involve you. And while thats ok, he needs to look out for himself, you dont want to hang around and wait for him to leave you. No one would. While its not fair for you to demand an exact answer from him about how long youll be together, its also not fair of him to expect you to go along with this on a day-to-day basis, or 'see what happens' (I hate that term lol). You deserve some assurances, but you also need to realize that relationships are very fluid, and nothing is written in stone. Just be up front about your concerns. If he responds in a way that you can live with, great. If he starts hyming and hawing about 'wait and see' or he doesnt know, theres your answer.
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