Crestfallen_KH Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I became friends several months ago with a man who is going through his second divorce. I was also recently divorced, so we bonded over our pain and personal experiences. We have a lot of things in common and he's very intelligent (book-smart, anyway) and we have good conversations. Over the last several months, he has indicated to me (on several occasions) that he would like to date me. To be honest, he is probably one of the most emotionally retarded men I've ever met. His wife left him and he's "just fine" and "not dwelling on the past" and refuses to even consider being single to heal or better understand his needs because, again, he's "just fine." I'm also not attracted to him that way, so I've turned him down now, several times. Not unexpectedly, he's pulled away. I would be fine with a more casual friendship, but by "pulling away" I mean that he doesn't ask me any questions or show any interest in my life AT ALL. All he wants to talk about are his dates, his life, his experience. Whenever I mention what's going on with me (even if it's bad news, like I've been sick) he shows zero interest or concern and turns the conversation back to him. I've called him out on this once, but nothing really changed. On top of this, he's making ridiculously poor choices in his life. I'm not his mother, and he's not as far along in his recovery as I am, so I have been patient and tried not to judge. But he's just behaving, quite frankly, like a total idiot. And I'm tired of helping him "pick up the pieces" when something fails - especially when I don't feel like he really cares about what's going on in my life at all. I'd like to end this friendship. It's getting hard for me to care about him when he's not caring about himself. Does anyone have a suggestion for the nicest, most mature way out of this? I've actually never "officially" ended a friendship before (it was always the mutual "fadeaway") but I'd like to get out of this one because I don't think he'll just fade away. Thanks.
You'reasian Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Well, I've never been through a divorce, so I can't even imagine the difficulty of it all. If you feel like not being friends with him, just explain that you need distance to consider your friendship. And go NC.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Well, I remember what it was like when I was where he's at - that is why I've tried to be very patient and understanding. I mean, when your whole world collapses, you're GOING to just be focused on that and be less self-aware. You're GOING to make some poor choices. I totally get that. I guess my frustration lies in the fact that he's so clueless about how poorly he's really doing, unwilling to listen to another point of view (or consider counseling), yet expects empathy and sympathy when things keep going to heck on him. I mean, even when I was in the worst pain imaginable, I still said "Oh, sorry to hear you're sick..."
Mary3 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I really hate when a man gets spurned and either is hot as fire or turns COLD because he is rejected by the woman. I have this exact same situation. Once he knew he was rejected he has made my life HELL . THATS why I dont do office romance. He kept pushing and pushing and smothering and I just thought he wanted to be friends. HE dropped the date bomb and all the other romantic stuff but I was NOT interested. ONCE he knew that the BS began. MY best advice. Talk to him civilly and cooly only when necessary. Ignore him for the most part. He wanted to be the buddy buddy and confide and cry on your shoulder but you are tired of listening to it. I would be very BUSY suddenly...
NoIDidn't Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 CF You can't save him. He has to go it alone. I say just go NC on him. If he inquires as to why, tell him. But somehow I doubt he will even notice your absence.
Ronni_W Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I guess my frustration lies in the fact that he's so clueless I get that you have been trying to be as supportive as possible. The thing is that sometimes support isn't what they want to hear, but what they need to hear. When he is whining about the lack of sympathy and empathy in his life, you can have a kind conversation about how he needs to cultivate that by GIVING it, and not just expecting to receive it. Mention the 'Law of Attraction' and/or "you reap what you sow", if you feel that will help with his understanding. I wouldn't suggest to tell him that he is doing poorly -- it'll fall on deaf ears and won't phase him at all, but it will be a futile and frustrating experience for you. You can also tell him that YOU have mental and emotional needs that are not being met in this relationship, and you are at a point in your own recovery that you must take the next "growth step" which is in an opposite direction of where he is now. If you want to go an extra step, locate a local divorce support group, give him the contact info, and wish him well. He sounds clueless about his impact on others, so he may or may not understand your feelings and perspective. But that's not your fault or responsibility to facilitate beyond what you've already tried to do. Take care of you -- you do need and deserve your own support and understanding, too
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Thanks for the advice, everyone. I chickened out and wrote him an e-mail. I figured this was ok since I started to really think he didn't care too much about this friendship anyway. Turns out I was right (unless he was just acting this way). I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore, how his behavior made me feel, and that I couldn't do it anymore. He responded, saying that he was sorry I felt that way and sorry to see me go. That's it. Better than an angry response I guess. So, it's done. Thanks again!
NoIDidn't Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 He responded, saying that he was sorry I felt that way and sorry to see me go.! Wow. That's unbelievable. I wonder if his lack of empathy is why, I assume, his W left him? "Sorry to see you go". Well, you're right, better that than an angry response or telling you to "get over yourself", or saying that you're "kicking him when he's down". He didn't seem like he was going to be all that concerned but this is just too much.
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 There are lovers, friends, and acquaintances. It's rarely a good idea to mix any of the three.
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 It sounds like he was expecting you to do this and chose a dignified way to agree to it. Cessation of friendships don't have to be dramatic or rude.
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