Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 You don't know me, and I doubt you ever even thought of me, and still I have come to forgive you over one year later. I know he broke your heart too, with his lies. I loved that man broke, broken back, fat, skinny, successful, through failed businesses, bouts of depression, three children and a miscarriage. When he was out of work, I worked two, sometimes three jobs to keep a roof over this family I adore. After a really rough patch in our lives, I begged him to go to counseling, but he refused, claiming "he had to pick himself up from his bootstraps" on his own. He got a new, important and prestigious position and began to criticize me more: my housekeeping, my friends, our children, my family and his family too! I grew so confused by this change in his behavior. It hurt me to the core. I tought it was the high-pressured demands of his new position, but here is where I was wrong: You had already entered the picture and i wouldn't find out about you for another two years. Not knowing his baggage, your admiration for his new persona, "the big player" attracted him to you like a drug. Your flattery and understanding helped him to want to only be with you, talk to you, surprise you, spend time with only you. He wanted to help a single mom deal with her troubled child, it made him feel like a knight in shining armor. He was able to reinvent himself in your presence and when he told you how unhappily married he was, you fell for it, and him, hook, line and sinker. The truth of the matter? He was here every holiday entertaining our families. We were physically intimate bi-weekly throughout your affair with him. He continued to discuss his dreams and plans for the future with both of us. When I discovered the A, the rage and pain I and my children felt was beyond anything we have ever felt. I threw him out and said, "if she is what you want, go get her! Move out, figure out you confusion, I'll wait before I file for divorce. Go to counseling. You will always be the father of my children." I told my children: "Regardless of what happens between us, he will always be your father and I want you to have the best possible relationship with him." I also said, "if she is the person he chooses to spend his life with, I ask you not hate her because I my pain. He deserves love in his life, too." No one was more surprised than I when he came crying at the front door begging to come back and reconcile with me. At that point I felt your pain. To invest almost two years in a passionate love affair where you were certainly led by him to believe there was a future together, how gut=wrenching to discover he was still deeply in love with me, the wife he bad-mouthed. I guess I want you to know, under different circumstances, we could probably be friends. We have many similiar characteristics, which is why. of course, he was attracted to both of us. But now, I can only hope you are slowly healing as I am trying to. And here is the final irony: This is the only man I have ever truly loved and wanted to be with. Now that I have him back, will love and counseling be enough to restore "us?" What if after all this pain is finally over, I am haunted by the feeling:"what if I don't want him? What if I can never trust him again? And I hope, in some small way, you've come to feel the pain all of this caused me and my children. We will never look at this man we have all loved, in the same way again, you included. Sincerely, Spark
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Good letter.. IF you choose to send it, what are your expectations? Do you hope to hear back from her? Or is this closure for you to send her this letter? My concern is, what if this opens the door for her to come back into your lives.. She may want to talk to both of you..Or maybe she would react in a negative way and try to cause problems. And also, she honestly may not care at all since she knew he was married from day one.
2sure Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I read the letter yesturday and started to comment but then withdrew. If this is really how you feel, then you have risen very far above it all and thats a good thing for you. I have no animosity towards OW - but I also have no sincere empathy. Invited or not - she took it upon herself to become a part of MY LIFE without my knowing it. I have no animosity - but no, I have no empathy and certainly no sympathy. If you feel you must forgive and understand her to move on yourself ...then you have.
MindoverMatter Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 If this letter truly represents your feelings, then I would send it. You are a very interesting woman, OP. Should things not work out, then don't blame yourself. Walk erect and with your head held high.
stampdaddy Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 OP, YOU GO GIRL! I felt empathy at one point and then she went bunny on me. NO more. went "Bunny" on you? What dat mean?
jasminetea Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Probably - 'bunny boiler' - as in Fatal Attraction. Am I showing my age now? OP - I'm impressed.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Good letter.. IF you choose to send it, what are your expectations? Do you hope to hear back from her? Or is this closure for you to send her this letter? My concern is, what if this opens the door for her to come back into your lives.. She may want to talk to both of you..Or maybe she would react in a negative way and try to cause problems. And also, she honestly may not care at all since she knew he was married from day one. WWI, I've already traveled that route. I called her cell phone 2 months ago and left a heartfelt message inviting her to speak with me. She called my husband at work that day annoyed I had contacted her. Look, she doesn't really know me and obviously, I still pose some percieved threat to her and her position. The letter was written for my personalclosure solely, and is along the lines of what I would have said to the OW, if only in my imagination.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I read the letter yesturday and started to comment but then withdrew. If this is really how you feel, then you have risen very far above it all and thats a good thing for you. I have no animosity towards OW - but I also have no sincere empathy. Invited or not - she took it upon herself to become a part of MY LIFE without my knowing it. I have no animosity - but no, I have no empathy and certainly no sympathy. If you feel you must forgive and understand her to move on yourself ...then you have. 2sure, we both loved him in our own minds, and he in his confusion, loved both of us. I don't want to fall in that negative trap that so many do in reconciling with the spouse and hating the OW. What they BOTH did was morally reprehensible to me and my children. If I work on forgiving him, I must also work on forgiving her, too, to heal myself and move forward from the pain of it all.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 If this letter truly represents your feelings, then I would send it. You are a very interesting woman, OP. Should things not work out, then don't blame yourself. Walk erect and with your head held high. Thanks MOM and Umbo for your encouragement. On my best days, I feel that taking the high road is the only way to move past the pain. At the end of my days I do not want to wallow in regret for something I could have handled better and with more kindness, because that is how I see my authentic self: a truly good soul. On my worst days, I can still curl into one raging ball of self-pity. I hate those days, but they ae becoming less and less as I heal.
65tr6 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 , "if she is what you want, go get her! Move out, figure out you confusion, I'll wait before I file for divorce. Go to counseling. You will always be the father of my children." I told my children: "Regardless of what happens between us, he will always be your father and I want you to have the best possible relationship with him." I also said, "if she is the person he chooses to spend his life with, I have the same question. What is that you are trying to accomplish here ? Do you love your husband so much that you are trying to help your husband find that "true love" ? Or softly kill OW with your kindness ?
Sands_of_time Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 You don't know me, and I doubt you ever even thought of me, and still I have come to forgive you over one year later. I know he broke your heart too, with his lies. I loved that man broke, broken back, fat, skinny, successful, through failed businesses, bouts of depression, three children and a miscarriage. When he was out of work, I worked two, sometimes three jobs to keep a roof over this family I adore. After a really rough patch in our lives, I begged him to go to counseling, but he refused, claiming "he had to pick himself up from his bootstraps" on his own. He got a new, important and prestigious position and began to criticize me more: my housekeeping, my friends, our children, my family and his family too! I grew so confused by this change in his behavior. It hurt me to the core. I tought it was the high-pressured demands of his new position, but here is where I was wrong: You had already entered the picture and i wouldn't find out about you for another two years. Not knowing his baggage, your admiration for his new persona, "the big player" attracted him to you like a drug. Your flattery and understanding helped him to want to only be with you, talk to you, surprise you, spend time with only you. He wanted to help a single mom deal with her troubled child, it made him feel like a knight in shining armor. He was able to reinvent himself in your presence and when he told you how unhappily married he was, you fell for it, and him, hook, line and sinker. The truth of the matter? He was here every holiday entertaining our families. We were physically intimate bi-weekly throughout your affair with him. He continued to discuss his dreams and plans for the future with both of us. When I discovered the A, the rage and pain I and my children felt was beyond anything we have ever felt. I threw him out and said, "if she is what you want, go get her! Move out, figure out you confusion, I'll wait before I file for divorce. Go to counseling. You will always be the father of my children." I told my children: "Regardless of what happens between us, he will always be your father and I want you to have the best possible relationship with him." I also said, "if she is the person he chooses to spend his life with, I ask you not hate her because I my pain. He deserves love in his life, too." No one was more surprised than I when he came crying at the front door begging to come back and reconcile with me. At that point I felt your pain. To invest almost two years in a passionate love affair where you were certainly led by him to believe there was a future together, how gut=wrenching to discover he was still deeply in love with me, the wife he bad-mouthed. I guess I want you to know, under different circumstances, we could probably be friends. We have many similiar characteristics, which is why. of course, he was attracted to both of us. But now, I can only hope you are slowly healing as I am trying to. And here is the final irony: This is the only man I have ever truly loved and wanted to be with. Now that I have him back, will love and counseling be enough to restore "us?" What if after all this pain is finally over, I am haunted by the feeling:"what if I don't want him? What if I can never trust him again? And I hope, in some small way, you've come to feel the pain all of this caused me and my children. We will never look at this man we have all loved, in the same way again, you included. Sincerely, Spark Spark... I am impressed by the maturity you are exhibiting in this letter. It gives us a pathway into in your soul. Continue to stay calm, level headed and take the high road. Keep posting...
Author Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I have the same question. What is that you are trying to accomplish here ? Do you love your husband so much that you are trying to help your husband find that "true love" ? Or softly kill OW with your kindness ? No, 65. That was truly my initial "blink," and maybe it was a maternal protection to shield my children from their pain over the situation. Also, my parents split back in the day, and I remembered how my father would not say (or allow us to say) an unkind word regarding my mother. But my mother, so embittered, never let an opportunity go by to malign that man to us. When we became adults, while we understood our mom's pain, which parent do you think we respected more?
TOWinNYC Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Dear Spark - But do you really want a glimpse from the other side of the fence? Do you really want to know what the OW thinks? Do you really think it would help in your healing process? Because I don't think it would. I wish you the best in restoring your M. Whether you send this letter to the OW or not, the most important part is that you're concentrating on YOUR life.
Trialbyfire Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 While it's a lovely letter, forgiveness doesn't mean embracing the OW, since she knowingly entered the affair. It can be about letting go of animosity, in that she no longer has impact on your life or family. She's part of history whereby you exist in the current.
jwi71 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Spark, Ignore the OW. This isn't about her not in the least. Her motivations, what she knew and when, why, where...doesn't matter. Forget her. She is NOTHING. The issue is a broken H and a broken M. Work on YOU. Work on your H. Work on your M. Pour that energy into rebuilding that which is lost and not the OW. It took me a while to get to that point as well. For weeks I simply wanted to kill the guy boffing my W. Then, with time and much discussion (read therapy), I figured it out. The problem isnt the OW, its your H - for me its my W (and me of course). Look all M have problems. Its how you handle and deal with them that matters. And your H, instead of addressing the issue(s), ran away. Where he ran to - immaterial. Understand the problem(s), understand on why HE ran - focus there. You do that and I think, in time, you too will pity the OW and maybe even recover the M. Its a long and painful path you are on - hang tough, focus on where you are going and not where you have been.
NoIDidn't Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I didn't do the letter thing. The one conversation that I had with her was enough. She also called my H annoyed that I contacted her. Its funny, though. If I wasn't able to keep him from cheating, what made her think that he was going to be able to control me and keep me from contacting her? But "good on ya" Spark for facing your feelings head on and doing what you feel you must to move forward. I echo jwi71 - work on you (you can't work on your H's personal issues for him) and your marriage, be the best spark1111, woman, wife, sister (friend), daughter, and mother you can be putting this in the past where it belongs.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 I didn't do the letter thing. The one conversation that I had with her was enough. She also called my H annoyed that I contacted her. Its funny, though. If I wasn't able to keep him from cheating, what made her think that he was going to be able to control me and keep me from contacting her? But "good on ya" Spark for facing your feelings head on and doing what you feel you must to move forward. I echo jwi71 - work on you (you can't work on your H's personal issues for him) and your marriage, be the best spark1111, woman, wife, sister (friend), daughter, and mother you can be putting this in the past where it belongs. NID, thank you so much! I am so proud of where I am 1 and 1/2 years later. The more I read, the more proud I become of how I handled those early days. Within 72 hours of DDAy, I had all the information I needed regarding her anddid not use it for vengeful hysterics although I was vengefully hysterical most of the time then. (LOL!) I felt somewhat sorry for the OW, a single mom raising a difficult child after a nasty divorce and a boring job with little support. My full blast was aimed at him because I FELT like a single mom, working two jobs, with little support (and I was married to him!) I needed rescuing, too! As I gain greater perspective, I grow more curious about her motivations. Was she in love? Lonely? The fun perks of being a mistress? The passion of a fantsy relationship? Revenge (unconciously) on her exH who married his last affair partner? As a former investigative journalist, my curiousity knows no limits, fortunately, or unfortunately.
taylor Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 As I gain greater perspective, I grow more curious about her motivations. Was she in love? Lonely? The fun perks of being a mistress? The passion of a fantsy relationship? Revenge (unconciously) on her exH who married his last affair partner? As a former investigative journalist, my curiousity knows no limits, fortunately, or unfortunately. Pick the scenario that brings you the most closure and comfort (if that's possible). If you truly believe your husband thought of himself as a "knight in shining armor" to her, then I would speculate that the OW was needy and vulnerable...perhaps lonely and feeling self-defeated after the nasty divorce. Your husband reached out to her..lent a helping hand..an emotional support...lifted her spirits, boosted her self-esteem. He made her feel good about herself and served as an escape from her dismal life. Fell in love? Who knows..Grew dependent on him? Yes. I doubt she was just after thrills and excitement at your expense.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Taylor, you are right. She does not APPEAR to be a risk-taking wild soul. In fact, quite the opposite: conservative, somewhat religious, (I know, I know) stable, well-employed individual. After D-Day, there was some continued contact via phone and text with him. She even seemed, to him, to be genuinely concerned about our reconciliation. When he finally asked her to stop calling him, that is when she reacted; not the loss of the physical as much as the loss of his constant emotional support even as a friend, is when she cried. I do see her as needy and vulnerable and I do feel her pain. She invested almost two years into a man and a relationship with hopes for a better future, or just a better feelings about herself, to have it all end suddenly with my discovery. I know you speak from experience. Thank you for sharing.
HappyAtLast Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 That absolutely is a nice letter and it sounds like you have very nicely put everything into perspective. Something for you to think about though, and this is an honest question.... would you have been able to write such a letter had your Husband left you and stayed with his other?
Author Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Good question HAL. No, probably not yet. That level of rejection would be one more painful layer to overcome in the misery of affairs. But I did believe he was leaving me after DDay. In fact, no one was more surprised than I when he came crying and begging to come home and I would not allow that for months, I was so enraged. I would like to believe in a perfect world, that had he left me to be with her, I would SOMEDAY be able to write this letter addressed to BOTH of them. I think forgiveness is always at the heart of healing and healing is at the heart of a happy future, with or without him...and her.
Heroic Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Wow, that letter was amazing...mine would look something like this.... You have chosen to bring me pain and anguish beyond what you can immagine. Every night I pray for justice. I pray that your curse will be to know that your happiness is just as fragile as mine. Go and try and find happiness........your other man is waiting.
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