MSUE Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Ok...here we go...my BF did a major f*** up about a week and a half ago...(long story) in any given case he didn't cheat or anything like that but he did lie over and over like any addict would when they use...he was clean for 2 years then relapsed on heroine anyways he is fine now detoxed and under medical care and he's doing wonderful... but this incident hurt me so so so much and it also made me very angry at him and at the fuc**** drug so i decided to take away what he likes most...NO SEX!!!! yeap maybe childish but had to do something. He is the horniest person I have ever met in my life LMAO and we have sex multiple multiple times a week sometimes a day...yeap we love it...Is this a good punishment guys? because I'm thinking about ending that today since he's been on the right track...I JUST WANTED TO TEACH HIM A LIL LESSON... HE'S BEGGING FOR IT NOW!
carhill Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 IMO, it depends on your dynamic. If sex is a sport/physical thing, then denying it to a partner might serve a purpose similar to taking a favored toy away from a child. If sex is an expression of love, denying a partner sex would be similar to denying them love. Depending on how essential that love expression is to the relationship, it could damage the relationship irreparably. You know best
clv0116 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 That's just stupid. If a GF of mine did that she'd be out so fast her cute little head would spin. Either you accept his apology or you don't but this game BS is just dumb.
Author MSUE Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I did accept the apology which is why more than likely I'm ending the no sex thing today...Sex for us is a number of things ultimately love that's in it but it's also fun and always always amazing..we tell each other all the time how we both feel this is the best sex we have ever had in our lifes...and by the number of orgasms I believe it...I just knew that I had to take something away from him that he absolutely loved and it was either sex or his sportscar...the car thing wouldn't have bothered him too much cause I do drive it quiet often
JohnnyBlaze Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Be careful. If you use no sex as a punishment, it won't necessarily stop him from doing drugs. If he relapses, he'll just find a better way to cover it up, or he'll find himself another girl on the side. You may have accepted his apology, but your actions showed that you didn't forgive him. He may as well have not apologized to you at all. I'm certainly not encouraging or condoning his relapse, but I've known enough people who've fought drugs to know this much. He has enough demons swimming around in his head as it is. All this little stunt of yours has done is add one more. Once he cleans up, you owe him an apology. Just hope that he's better at forgiving than you are.
You'reasian Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I did accept the apology which is why more than likely I'm ending the no sex thing today...Sex for us is a number of things ultimately love that's in it but it's also fun and always always amazing..we tell each other all the time how we both feel this is the best sex we have ever had in our lifes...and by the number of orgasms I believe it...I just knew that I had to take something away from him that he absolutely loved and it was either sex or his sportscar...the car thing wouldn't have bothered him too much cause I do drive it quiet often You need to get him help - sex or not. Illegal drugs are not the way to go. The next time this man shows signs of getting high on heroine, get him tested immediately and take him to a treatment center.
PinkKittyKat Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Sex should NEVER be a bargaining chip in a relationship. If he'd cheated, you'd be within your rights to withhold UNTIL a test came back negative. But this is just childish petty sh|t. And the draw of sex has NOTHING on the addictive drug heroin. NOTHING. You set up sex vs. smack, you'll LOSE, babe. My senior high bf was into heroin casually. He never got addicted but I witnessed many of his drug buddies(friends of mine too) who DID become physically dependent on it. You can't win, or manipulate him into quitting. The physical need you develop on that stuff is like needing to breathe. Imagine someone telling you, "You breathed, so I'm withholding sex til you STOP!" Your body screams at you, "I need it, I NEED IT!" Well, that's exactly what his body is doing when he's trying to quit. The only one who can stop it is him. He needs to hit rock bottom. As long as he has a girl watching over his SPORTS CAR, waiting until he gets out of detox, he won't have a reason to quit. Watch "Jesus' Son", and "Trainspotting". If you haven't already, these movies are a fairly accurate portrayal into the life of heroin addiction. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this never ends well. My mom dated a crack cocaine addict over 10 years ago, I grew up around him, seeing an addicts modus operandus first hand. He's still on the street, still on the stuff last we heard. She couldn't ever "fix him". Don't fall into the way of thinking my mom was trapped in.
Author MSUE Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Well the sex thing seemed to have worked because if he fails again and does not communicate it in order to get the right help once again I will be moving to FL with my sister and he knows that I'm not playing cause I have moved 5 times in my life so far and it's all different states. I don't believe Hollywood movies portray all addicts accurately. So The no sex ordeal ended yesterday and I told him its a taste of everything that will be gone if he fails and it seemed to work...at least for now
carhill Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Sex, drugs, rock and roll....classic addictions. When one dealer stops selling, he'll find another. IMO, it's a reality you should be aware of when being involved with someone with an addictive personality. He's going to be an addict his entire life. It's just how his brain is wired. He can make cognitive choices and learn tools to manage his addictions if he wants to. IMO, push him too far with the sex thing and he'll just go somewhere else. He might already be doing that. It's really hard to know...
Weird Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 This is incredibly lame to me and if I was some junkie (never would be since I have self control and intelligence) and my g/f said "no sex" to me I would not care but as with the junkie thing, I have self control so I don't live and die with sex and I personally find it to be very overrated. I think you and your dude need to grow up and quit acting like simple monkeys. If you decide you don't want then then please, please, PLEASE do not reproduce because I would feel bad for that child. Not a day goes by when the human species doesn't embarrass me....
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I think you and your dude need to grow up and quit acting like simple monkeys. .....Not a day goes by when the human species doesn't embarrass me.... I completely agree with this. All the way through, you've asked us if this is a good idea. All the way through, we've said no. All the way through, you've tried to justify your actions and tell us it's worked, and that actually, we're wrong.... Yeh. Sure.....For now, maybe. To resort to such tactics in the end is both childish and counter-productive. It's not clever, and it's not advisable. And I also agree with the fact that when it's a decision between sex with you, and another hit - the hit will win every time. Hell, there's always mastunbation to substitute you and get rid of pent-up frustration. You may think that to him, 'you're all that'. Believe me, in comparison to drugs, to him - you ain't.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Ok...here we go...my BF did a major f*** up about a week and a half ago...(long story) in any given case he didn't cheat or anything like that but he did lie over and over like any addict would when they use...he was clean for 2 years then relapsed on heroine anyways he is fine now detoxed and under medical care and he's doing wonderful... but this incident hurt me so so so much and it also made me very angry at him and at the fuc**** drug so i decided to take away what he likes most...NO SEX!!!! yeap maybe childish but had to do something. He is the horniest person I have ever met in my life LMAO and we have sex multiple multiple times a week sometimes a day...yeap we love it...Is this a good punishment guys? because I'm thinking about ending that today since he's been on the right track...I JUST WANTED TO TEACH HIM A LIL LESSON... HE'S BEGGING FOR IT NOW! No, sorry, this makes YOU the FOOL! Common sense says that physical/sexual intimacy should not in any way be tethered to who's right and who's wrong in a disagreement/argument/spat/relapse. People like you, who do such a thing, eventually get what they deserve. ******************** Instead of having yourself on the path toward strengthening the bonds of your relationship, and effectively reducing the small windows during which he might not make the decisions that YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU want him to make (between those intimate times you should be "SHARING")... you are on the path toward sending one side (and) the other ELSEWHERE for physical release and eventually to different rooms at night, with the final step being a break-up. Physical/sexual intimacy has exactly NOTHING to do with discipline!!
Author MSUE Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Carhill...an addict for his whole life....?!? people clean up and sometimes it takes tough love..ever watch intervention? and FYI I am a recovering addict and I celebrate being clean for almost 7 years now...my father had addiction when he was in his 20's he has now been clean for 52 years...it took my mother's tough love and her strenght...it's all very recent with my BF...but he has chosen so far to get it together and the no sex has been lifted Weird you'll never be a junkie cause you have self control and intelligence???? Addictions are an illness and there are plenty of incredibly brilliant people that have battled an addiction at least once...and there are wonderful medications available that help to set people for succes at fighting the battle...Naltrexone and Suboxone are great examples i do appreciate everyone's replies...that's the reason why I put this thread on...needed feedback
Green Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I like sex alot myself and I've told my gf how important it is to me and if she didn't want to have sex because she was sick or upset or something like that it would be fine but if it was no sex as some punishment I would probably dump her... I mean its a fine line between being pissed at a person and not being in the mood to have sex and activly punishing some one with no sex but if some one was using this as a barganing chip I would be pissed
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Addiction is a function of the brain. You have no conscious control over how your brain chemistry works at its natural setpoint. Perhaps we disagree on terminology. A person can always retain the addictive brain setpoint, but can recover their behaviors (their conscious manifestations of that setpoint) to a level which is healthy for them and/or socially/legally acceptable in society. This is why an alcoholic is "in recovery" for their entire life. They are always an alcoholic but have recovered their behaviors as described above. IMO, the brain chemistry which drives addictions of any sort has nothing to do with intellegence, education or socio-economic status. It is possible that socialization (particularly infancy/early childhood) has a role but I'm of the opinion that it's more nature (genetics) than nurture.
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