tennisgirly Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I really need some advice and I'm hoping that no one will judge me or my situation, because I don't need that! I just need to figure out what to do. I have been with my boyfriend for a little more than a year and a half. He is 23 and I'm 19. The first year was a long distance relationship, we were only able to see each other about once a month, and this fall I decided to drop everything and move to be with him. Things were difficult in the beginning (after we moved in together) because we're weren't used to one another being around all the time, but we were able to work through it and up until the past couple months our relationship was doing great. My boyfriend is such a fantastic person. He is the kind of person who you could go to talk to about anything ad know that he would have your back. He's very sensitive and knows me so well. However, in December he really had a lot going on with work and school and I was feeling very neglected. I started talking to a mutual friend who my boyfriend and I had met on Spring Break the year before, and things slowly progressed from talking online, to texting and talking on the phone daily. Because I moved to be with my boyfriend I had to leave all my friends behind and I really feel that I have no one else to talk to but this other guy (who is the same age as my boyfriend). He lives about 10 hours from me, so I figured that it would be safe to flirt because nothing could ever come from it. He makes me feel great about myself, but lately I have gotten the feeling that he has feelings for me. For some reason I feel very happy when I talk to him, something that I have not felt with my boyfriend in the past few months. Up until meeting this other guy, I thought for sure that my boyfriend was my soul mate. He knows me on such a deep level and he tells me that he sees no flaws in me. I knew that I wanted to start a family with him but now I'm not so sure. Recently he found a text message on my phone that this other guy had sent, it was rather provocative. My boyfriend was obviously very angry because I had been lying about the situation, and he has every reason to be furious. He asked me to stop communicating with this other guy, but I don't want to. I feel like I love them both. I love my boyfriend because I know he truly wants to make me happy, we share a lot of the same values, I love his family, and we are able to communicate on a deep level, which is something I've never had with anyone. He's my best friend. On the other hand, he doesn't have a job yet, and I'm not sure that he'll be a good provider, I would also like him to take a more dominant role in the relationship, he tends to act like a baby, I just want him to man up. The other guy, is also great, he can read me so well and always seems to know what I'm thinking. He makes me feel great about myself, and I know that he will be a good provider. He makes me feel secure and comforted. However, he's in the military, and I don't know that I could ever be an "army wife" our personalities are also very similar, so I am worried that we might clash. I know that I am being very selfish in this situation, but right now I feel that I need both of these people, I feel that I need this much love. I know that I need my boyfriend and that he needs me, I has told me he would be lost without me, but on the other hand I need the attention of this other guy. I don't know that one person can give me all the love that I need. It's the classic case of good guy versus bad boy. I don't know what to do, I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want to end up with someone who I don't love. I am just very confused. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!
Davey McG Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 It doesn't look like you'll have a choice for much longer. If your boyfriend has a pair he'll dump you pretty soon, just as soon as he figures out what's going on. I would break up with him first so that he can be with someone who deserves him. It wouldn't be the end of the world. You're still both very young and I think you could probably gain a lot from the experience of dating a "bad boy". It really helps to put things in perspective for when you're older. Keeping both would be detrimental to both men and get you'd a bad reputation. Good luck with what you decide to do.
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Recently he found a text message on my phone that this other guy had sent, it was rather provocative. My boyfriend was obviously very angry because I had been lying about the situation, and he has every reason to be furious. He asked me to stop communicating with this other guy, but I don't want to. I know that I am being very selfish in this situation, but right now I feel that I need both of these people, I feel that I need this much love. I know that I need my boyfriend and that he needs me, I has told me he would be lost without me, but on the other hand I need the attention of this other guy. I don't know that one person can give me all the love that I need. This is just so wrong, I don't know where to start. You have a huge problem, and it's far bigger than just wanting these two guys. You're needy, desperate, dependent, you have low self-worth, low self-esteem and you really think very little of yourself - and him - if you truly believe that one person cannot ever be enough for you. You're lying to save your butt, and only succeeding in making things worse for yourself. You're disrespectful and you're taking someone's good affection for granted. It's the classic case of good guy versus bad boy. I don't know what to do, I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want to end up with someone who I don't love. I am just very confused. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks! These two guys are being yanked about by someone who doesn't know how to love. You're using them to prop you up and make you feel better, but you don't love them. You think you do, but there's a difference between being needy and being in Love. You are being very selfish, and you're only confused because you don't know or undertand yourswlf, not because of the situation. If you really loved either of these guys, you'd have to make a decision, and stick to one. Tough, but there it is. we could all of us quite happily probably give our love to more than one person, if that was a socially acceptable thing to do, because we're capable of it. we just don't do it, because it's not fair, and one person is enough for us. We can't have everything we're looking for, in just one person. We have ups and downs, and we stick with it, because they're human, flawed and loveable. You're so messed up you don't know which way is up. Drop them both and do you - and them - a favour. you need counselling big-time, because otherwise you're going to become a leech. Sucking it up and giving nothing back. You - and they - deserve better.
Still Trying Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Geisha nailed it. You need to figure things out for yourself before you continue with any relationship. I also think you have self esteem issues - you seem to need someone to tell you that you're perfect, guess what, you're not! Best to figure that all out sooner than later. You're using both of these guys. Do something for yourself, get out of your current relationship, take a year off from dating and discover some things about yourself. Also stop stop stop dating guys living in another state. The long distant thing rarely works, especially when you're so young with so many options! good luck, but stop playing your current bf.
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