my son and his girlfriend...

[alicespooter]

I would like feed back about a dilemma I am facing with my son and his girlfriend.

Recently my son has asked if he and his girlfriend can come to stay with me on a temp. basis (approx 2 months).

He is 26 and she is 18,they have been living rent and bill free in a house my ex. owns. In the 3-4 months time they have been living there they have not saved any money towards the day they knew they would have to move.

I am recently divorced from his dad(after a 13 year separation and pretty much raising the kids in my own) and after working all my life am now disabled and living on an extremely limited income.The house I am staying in is being foreclosed on and my time left here is unknown.

(My ex.has gone against a court order and stopped making payments.the house was originally my parents and he took control and borrowed over $400.000.oo against it and stopped the payments on it.)

I have raised 5 kids and after becoming a mom for the first time at 15 I have been really waiting for the day they would all be grown and out on their own.(My oldest is 35 and my youngest just turned 18 ),and her father no longer helps towards her support,so I am still paying for her,(This I really don't mind as she cannot support herself yet.)

I do insist after 5 days of cooking and cleaning and being available to her and her needs that she goes to stay at her dads friday night to sunday afternoon.

I would like to mention in addition to my other health issues I recently had a heart attack and am still not quite well from that.

My family seems to think I am being very selfish and cold hearted because I am not very happy that my son wants to move back in with me and I feel even though they have offered to help towards the food bill,it will be a burden,additional water,gas,etc cleaning and laundry .

I have pretty much agreed with the exception that I want my weekend free.(everyone out of the house.) And this is the biggest sticking point.

My son is really a good person and he does work and does pay child support for his child but his girlfriend is not working and will be under foot all day long.

Please tell me if I am a horrible parent as they are telling me,or if I actually do have a valid complaint.My fear is that when the time comes we will all be out on the street,and I will have to find a place for all 5 of us.

[Eve]

I think that you should advertise for lodgers instead of having your son and his girlfriend come back to live with you. You need to find a way to keep your home. That is the priority.

 

Let them stay with friends. It may teach them some responsibility. No disrespect but really they have not got a good track record so far. They had three months to sort out the situation previously. I would be asking what they have been spending their money on and why. Sounds very suspect to me. The 2 months that they say that they need help for would more than likely change to 3 then 4.

 

You do sound really stressed! I hope that you have looked at all of your housing options. The simplest of all would be to change your mortgage to an interest only mortgage for the time being.

 

Are you usually the one who sorts out other peoples problems? Who is supporting you?

 

Dont give up.

 

Find the people who are meant to help you and keep them close. Trust your gut instinct and dont make excuses for yourself or anyone else.

 

Regards,

Eve xx

[alicespooter]

Hello Eve,

Thankyou for your suggestions,you were right about quite a few things.

My son and his girlfriend have not managed their money well at all.

Yes they were quite wasteful with the spending...dinners out,games,clothes etc.

I have agreed to let them stay but will make them pay in advance and after speaking with my ex. (who has 4x the amount of income I have) have told him after 6 weeks he will be responsible for our son.After all it is my ex that has put me in the bind I am in.

I have no way to even pay an interest only loan on the house,there has been too much taken out of it. Of course I don't want to make trouble for him or his new wife so, we are set to sit down and discuss a payment plan(for my future) that he will have to follow or I will have to notify the court of his failure to keep the house,and the final loan he took on this house to finance the new home he and his wife live in.

 

You too,(again) are right about me being the one to try to solve others problems,I guess it is all about the saying. "Those that can't help themselves help others".

 

I will admit that I am working on being more assertive,and trying very hard to not care if others don't approve. I guess it is again a point that you hit on, no, there is nobody for me to really count on outside of my friends, my parents and siblings are passed from this life and my only other relatives are strangers to me in a far away state.(I guess that is why being liked is so very important to me.) I am slowly learning being liked is not the same as being loved, I have been blessed to have been given a few really special friends,but hate I hate to burden them with all of this.(They have their own stuff to deal with.)

Again, I thank you,you were most helpful in pointing out the obvious.I just needed to know that I wasn't as twisted as I was starting to think I was.

Have a happy and blessed weekend,

Alice

[ShoeGirl]

Why not make it part of the deal that the girlfriend needs to find a job and once she does they have to give you x amount per month for the extra utility costs and for them living there. Surely she can get a job waitressing or at a retail store somewhere.