tassle01 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Here is my story. Met a guy out about 5 weeks ago. We really hit it off from the very first moment. Have a lot in common and really compatible. We went out a couple of times and have had great times together. After 4 weeks I invited him back to my place after a night out and slept with him. For 5 days after we had sex he called everyday and kept up the constant text messaging. He said he misses me but had family visiting and was always busy with them. I was very patient and didn’t push him at all towards seeing me. 5 days after the sex, we spoke via text message briefly and I have not heard from him since, it has been 4 days. I am not making contact and neither is he. I really like this guy and would have liked to make it work but am trying to stick to the rules since he is a very eligible bachelor and many women like him. I don’t want to make this too easy for him and do not want to show my weakness by calling him … but realistically, how long am I supposed to wait for his call to come? I really don’t know what to do at this point. I know that by telling him how I feel he will feel pressured and that is the last thing he needs (since we already had this conversation) on top of his work and family life. For the few weeks we were seeing each other he was very sweet and never lost contact, so not speaking for these few days has really thrown me off ... :oShould I wait for him to make the move and make some contact or should I just forget about him? Thanks…
D-Lish Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Here is my story. Met a guy out about 5 weeks ago. We really hit it off from the very first moment. Have a lot in common and really compatible. We went out a couple of times and have had great times together. After 4 weeks I invited him back to my place after a night out and slept with him. For 5 days after we had sex he called everyday and kept up the constant text messaging. He said he misses me but had family visiting and was always busy with them. I was very patient and didn’t push him at all towards seeing me. 5 days after the sex, we spoke via text message briefly and I have not heard from him since, it has been 4 days. I am not making contact and neither is he. I really like this guy and would have liked to make it work but am trying to stick to the rules since he is a very eligible bachelor and many women like him. I don’t want to make this too easy for him and do not want to show my weakness by calling him … but realistically, how long am I supposed to wait for his call to come? I really don’t know what to do at this point. I know that by telling him how I feel he will feel pressured and that is the last thing he needs (since we already had this conversation) on top of his work and family life. For the few weeks we were seeing each other he was very sweet and never lost contact, so not speaking for these few days has really thrown me off ... :oShould I wait for him to make the move and make some contact or should I just forget about him? Thanks… The last thing you want to do is talk to him about feelings when he is the one who hasn't contacted you in 4 days! Regardless of how busy he is with family, it only takes a second to text someone- being busy isn't an excuse. Yes, wait for him to make the move. If he doesn't contact you- let it go. I know you said that his behaviour seems "odd"... but it's only odd within the context of a 5 week relationship. It's impossible to know who someone really is in 5 weeks. Perhaps this isn't odd behaviour for him. Maybe he is a bit of a player, or loses interest easily... Maybe he has an end goal of sex and bolts after. Maybe he is trying to slow things down after the sex. I've dated so many people that seemed awesome in the first month or two and then seen their true selves come out. If he doesn't contact you, it's best to stay away from him. He could be multi-dating- a player, a jerk. But if he was making contact everyday and then just stopped- it doesn't sound promising.
Author tassle01 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 That's exactly what I was thinking. Things escalated with us very quickly from day 1 and 5 weeks is surely not enough time to know someone but it felt very real. I thought maybe I would text message him or call him to try to feel him out and see where things stand ... I guess that's a bad move. If he is a player/******* I don't want him anyway ... so I guess I'll wait it out and if it doesn't happen, move on. Seems sad to just let it slide away because it felt very real and promising but I guess I can't force anything to happen if there is no initiative from his end
D-Lish Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 That's exactly what I was thinking. Things escalated with us very quickly from day 1 and 5 weeks is surely not enough time to know someone but it felt very real. I thought maybe I would text message him or call him to try to feel him out and see where things stand ... I guess that's a bad move. If he is a player/******* I don't want him anyway ... so I guess I'll wait it out and if it doesn't happen, move on. Seems sad to just let it slide away because it felt very real and promising but I guess I can't force anything to happen if there is no initiative from his end I've dated lots of guys that came off as promising in the beginning- only to be disappointed. Who was the last to text- you or him? If you were the last to text, no way would I bother sending him anything. Regardless, when a man is interested- he shows it, he stays in contact. How busy with family can he be that he can't spare a second to text you? The first instinct is to give them a nudge to remind them of our presence- but it's a bad move. He hasn't forgotten about you, he's just choosing not to make contact for whatever reason. Regardless of what is going on with him, it's rude... which is why it's not in your best interest to reach out to him thereby letting him know it's "okay" to have sex with you and then go missing in action for 4 days. He doesn't sound like a stand up guy...
Author tassle01 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Last contact was from him ... he asked what i was doing via text message after i told him i hadn't heard from him. I am being very patient and understanding and not bothering him. Why would I want a guy who dosen't have two minutes to see how I am doing ... thanks for giving me some perspective, I needed to hear it from someone else. Any men out there who can give their opinion in this situation???
D-Lish Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Last contact was from him ... he asked what i was doing via text message after i told him i hadn't heard from him. I am being very patient and understanding and not bothering him. Why would I want a guy who dosen't have two minutes to see how I am doing ... thanks for giving me some perspective, I needed to hear it from someone else. Any men out there who can give their opinion in this situation??? So, the last text you got from him, you didn't return? Perhaps he thinks you are blowing him off??? However, I assume that if you had to text him to say you hadn't heard from him that he hadn't been diligent keeping in touch before that. Yeah, get some male perspective- everyone sees things differently. Why didn't you answer his last text just out of curiousity?
Author tassle01 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Sorry if I miscommunicated!!! I did respond to him what I was doing and where I was which happened to be in close proximity to where he was having lunch with his family. After I responded he did not respond to me and I have not heard from him ... but there was nothing I said that might have put him off by any means ...
Author tassle01 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Is it pointless to send him a nanchalant text "hey, havnt heard from you in a while, how r u" or something along those lines?? He is really beginning to spark my curiosity ... I would like to know what in the world happened to him!!!
D-Lish Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Is it pointless to send him a nanchalant text "hey, havnt heard from you in a while, how r u" or something along those lines?? He is really beginning to spark my curiosity ... I would like to know what in the world happened to him!!! Oh- okay. So he really is being a jerk then. It's not that it's pointless- but you may come off sounding desperate- not may, you will come off that way. How many times do you have to poke him and ask him "haven't heard from you...".... Just think of it that way. You can be curious all you want- but just know that when a man is interested- he WILL reach out. He ignored your last text, he hasn't sent anything in 4 days.... I am not sure what there is to be curious about... he's not acting interested. His silence is telling you everything you need to know. Texting him AGAIN when he hasn't responded to your last text won't all of a sudden make him interested or prompt him to tell you what is really going on. Most likely he'll say- "been busy".... then go on to being silent again. ANd you will only feel worse. He doesn't sound like any sort of prince charming. Really, the last thing you should be doing is chasing a guy like this. Hopefully you'll get a guys perspective soon... that would be helpful. And I am not trying to be harsh- hope you know that.
sid3 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Something about the sex threw him off. I'd think most guys who are really interested in a girl we less likely to take a chance by playing any waiting games. You should probably check yourself, you mentioned sticking to the rules in your original post, not a good thing. When it's real that crap usually goes out the window. At least I'd like to think it does
Author tassle01 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 While I know you are right and am not taking any of this personally, I can't understand how someone goes from calling 10 times a day for over a month to totally disappearing off the radar. It really makes no sense to me. What an interesting species these men are ... oh well ... guess another one bites the dust. I will try my very best not to message him but this requires some serious self control!!!!!
D-Lish Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 While I know you are right and am not taking any of this personally, I can't understand how someone goes from calling 10 times a day for over a month to totally disappearing off the radar. It really makes no sense to me. What an interesting species these men are ... oh well ... guess another one bites the dust. I will try my very best not to message him but this requires some serious self control!!!!! You just have to resolve yourself to just not do it. delete his number from your phone. I do that all the time. I had a few drinks superbowl sunday and I picked up my phone to message my ex and break my no contact.... BUT, I couldn't- because I had deleted his number. Saved....
jerbear Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Is it pointless to send him a nanchalant text "hey, havnt heard from you in a while, how r u" or something along those lines?? He is really beginning to spark my curiosity ... I would like to know what in the world happened to him!!! I think the text will be ok but after that text, HE HAS TO respond. If he does not then you'll have to prevent yourself from being an Friends With Benefits (FWB) and move on.
Oliveman Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Well I'm not him but I'm a guy in a similar situation. I met a girl in mid November and we hit it off fast. We had sex faster and more times but same general thing...we texted and called all the time. Last Friday, we were texting and just sort of stopped as we were both out. I was busy all weekend and never texted her after that. She called on Sunday towards 10pm and I was busy and couldn't answer, and she got a bit desperate sounding (uncharacteristic of her) and texted me like an hour later asking if I was too cool to talk to her recently. I ended up calling her back a couple hours later. I too am an eligible bachelor and go out quite frequently with my friends and have no problems at all meeting women. I actually get approached quite often and am very successful whenever I approach. Now the reason I slowed down the contact was that even though things were going really well right now, I started feeling like making myself so readily available would make our "relationship" get boring after a while. When you meet someone you really like, of course you're tempted to talk to them all the time, but doing this before you're in a really committed exclusive relationship will make things less exciting and other newer people seem more exciting on both sides. Maybe it's playing games in a way, but I'm only doing it (still talk to her, just not all the time and such) for a change of pace and some added variety. Now a second thing to consider is maybe he feels like you're not putting in your share when it comes to your interactions. Does he always have to be the one to call you or initiate contact? Cause that's the way it is with me and this girl, and even though 99% of the time it's a non issue to me, every now and then I just sit back and wait for her to call. Like this weekend. When I called her back, she was mad acting cause I hadn't called, but apparently she forgets that she didn't call or text me at all either. If I were you, instead of just blowing off him, I'd swallow my pride and send him a text. Don't say stuff like "Why haven't you called?" Or "Why are you ignoring me?" And don't talk about feelings. Just send him something simple and funny that will illicit a positive response and not put him on the defensive. Just tell him a funny story or ask him an off the wall question such as "What would you do if you were a girl for a day? (just that no hello or goodbye or nothing in between. Just a short, simple question or a funny story that happened to you recently, even if you have to fib little and leave it at that)" You're not being upset at all about his seemingly ignoring you will also intrigue him and help to build attraction. Now he may be in a totally different place than me right now and may not want to talk to you, obviously I have no way of knowing but sending him something like that couldn't hurt and will give you a better chance at a response than bombarding him with guilt. Also you don't have to really feel rejected like you would if you sent him a heartfelt message and he just ignored it. Sorry this was so long.
Rebellious Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Maybe something about the sex turned him off -- looks, smells, tastes, textures, etc. It happens, i.e. he may still like you but doesn't want to do it again, and there's no way to say that to a girl.
Illiandra Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I would take this as a red flag. Even if you guys eventually do start talking and communicating again. This is the time where he should be contacting you even after the sex. Maybe he was BUSY however, if a guy is totally into you it takes a few seconds to text hey thinking of you! I would run away,,,, its usually the guys that dont pay US girls any attention that we fall for, however the guys that gives US all the attention are sweet cute and nice we end up being BORED of them,,, go figure@
Author tassle01 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I don't think it was the sex that threw him off, it was very good and in a conversation after the sex he mentioned something casually about it in a positive light. I really can't figure out why he has vanished off the face of the earth and don't want to look desperate texting or calling him. I just feel as though this would be a shame to throw out the window since there was chemistry there for sure ... in the beginning at least. If I do text however, how long should I wait? maybe give it 3 more days, that'll be a week since he hasnt contacted me? The contact was mostly from his side but I did contact him myself and put forth effort many times. Truth is I feel like he owes me an explanation after he told me he feels the chemistry and he is falling in love with me! I opened up to him emotionally and physically which is something I rarely do and for this reason I dont think its fair to be left in the dark ... playing this guessing game.
Author tassle01 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Well last night he sent me a text message just saying hello. I kept it short and sweet and said I was having a hectic week and as expected he said, me too. Finally, I said I was out and a little busy so we should take later and it ended on that note. I really wanted to have the last word this time. Do you guys think I should wait for the next contact to be from his end or do you think it's okay for me to shoot him a text myself?
calazhage Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Oliveman, I think we might be dating the same woman. I am also a bit stuck in the mode of having to make all the contact. Tassle, if I were you I would go about things differently. If it makes YOU feel better, lay things out for him. If a man is interested he will NOT play games after YOU contact him. He will respond to you within the same day, or within a couple hours. Especially after sex. I am sure he would understand, and if he IS interested, he will resume contact. If not, just walk away. If he really will change make him earn it a bit.
Author tassle01 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I don't want to add any pressure and honestly I want to light a fire under his ass and make him think about what he is losing by not calling me for 4 days and all of the sudden reappearing. I am just not sure what the best way to do this is! Any suggestions!?
stillafool Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Maybe he had to go in his "man cave" mode and think about your relationship after you had sex? Sometimes men do that when they feel something is getting serious. But, in my experiences, after great sex they usually can't wait to contact you again, for more! Whatever his case is, I would rather die than contact him back. He would definitely have to contact me again - and with a phone call, not a text. Oliveman and calazhage I have been deeply in love with men who I would make no contact to. Yet guys I cared less about would hear from me all the time. Go figure. So please don't think your gf's aren't in love with you because they make you do all the calling.
calazhage Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Well, I don't know of any game you can play that will light a fire under a guy whom has seemed to lost interest, without pressuring him. There is no pressure, just by being honest. Guys whom are interested in a woman do not sleep with them after a month, and then all of a sudden avoid them, unless they lost interest genuinely. That's why i said just be straightforward and ask. At this point his interest is already low, so just do what makes yourself feel better for closure. it does not make you a crazy stalker to ask a question.
bean1 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 He knows you exist. He doesn't respond because he doesn't care and he's not interested. He wasn't hit by a bus or kidnapped by aliens, right? Interested: (phone call) "Hi, would you like to meet at xx for dinner?" Not: (text) "hey" (Hoping to maintain a potential FWB) Why would you put effort into trying to force someone to want to talk to you? If he can't even be bothered to pick up the phone to call you, then what's the point? From one woman to another: accept this and let these "lukewarm" men fade from your life. You will be FAR HAPPIER, I promise.
calazhage Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Oliveman and calazhage I have been deeply in love with men who I would make no contact to. Yet guys I cared less about would hear from me all the time. Go figure. So please don't think your gf's aren't in love with you because they make you do all the calling. Stillafool, that is what makes asking for advice so pointless, lol. Because when someone starts a thread asking something similar, almost unanimously the guys say "move on" or "Line up other women", and the woman say "make sure she contacts you half the time as well!" Let me ask you. What is the logic or reasoning, specifically, to not making contact with a man you are very into? To gauge is interest?Fear of being hurt? Or there is no reason at all, other than gender roles?
Author tassle01 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 So how do I pose the question and what exactly should I be asking. "what are your intentions" I want to do this in the nicest possible way without seeming crazy lol.
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