DazedandConfused66 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Hello all, It's been some time since my last post....at least 6 months. I don't keep track of time that well any longer since I lost my wife last year. But I've got a coping question I hope someone can help me with. For those of you who don't remember me, I lost my wife to breast cancer last year. It was a 3 year cycle of diagnosis, treatment, surgery and ultimately discovering it has spread too fast and she was gone. I've two daughters who have struggled with her loss just as much as have I but for girls, it is different. I am really missing my wifes counsel now as raising two teenaged girls is a very confusing experience for me solo. My oldest daughter seems to be coping well. Both girls are in counseling, all three of us together and each of them individually. But my youngest daughter, who is about to turn 15, has had a lot of issues in the past four months or so. Most significant is that I've discovered that she is engaged in cutting herself. Thus far, she's not drawn blood. Given modesty issues, I'm not seeing "all" of her and so I'm having difficulty really trying to determine the extent of this. But she's shown me where she has done so and it's mostly been on her forearms and upper arms, where winter long sleeves hide things. I became aware of it somewhat by accident when I noticed she would always wear a pullover or jacket and when she had a winter dance refused to wear anything that didn't have long sleeves. If you've ever shopped for a teen dress that wasn't strapless you will know how difficult this is. Obviously, I am very concerned. I've spoken to her therapist and we've started investigating this further. I know it's a coping mechanism, I understand as much as any parent can and I know where this can lead if we don't deal with it appropriately. So I'm "on it" as best I can. But I'm a male and her dad and one of the things that her therapist has advised me to do is to reduce her "private time" to bare minimums so as to remove her ability to spend the time to ritualistically carve herself up. But for a blossoming young woman, how do I go about doing this without totally removing her right to modesty and privacy? Since discovering this with her, she's been open to communications about it. We've agreed upon boundaries and are trying to work on "acceptable" coping mechanisms. But for now, I need to hold her accountable for her actions by insisting on a routine "inspection." God I'm so conflicted.....I know I have to help her and I want to help her but I also don't want to force her to give up her right to modesty...no teenage girl should have to submit to a bodily examination to her father on a routine basis. I've considered just enlisting her gynecologist in this and setting up routine weekly exams, but her "cutting" thus far hasn't been deep and resembles more like claw marks from the family puppy (which we got recently) than from her own self-inflicted routine. And I know it's possible that she will just move her cutting to somewhere I can't see if I don't have her inspected regularly. Weekly doctors visits just seem so over the top as well. But I know I have to monitor her closely to ensure this doesn't escalate and I'm out of ideas. Has anyone real-life experience as a parent dealing with cutting? How did you go about the accountability issue? I should be able to address this but I admit I'm totally at a loss and I don't know what to do. I'm holding it together as best I can. This isn't easy but this isn't about me. This is about the welfare of my daughters. Any and all advice is welcome. Even alternative views to that of her therapist. I have done some casual inquiries with another therapist just to solicit a second opinion and removal of privacy seems to be a big factor in dealing with adolescent cutting. Thanks for listening.
quankanne Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 no advice, as I'm not versed in this issue, but just wanted to tell you that you sound like a really good dad for being so caring. The best part is hearing that your daughter has a strong trust in you, so you're way ahead of the curve when it comes down to it – I think she'll do well simply because she's got you in her life. do you have any female relatives your daughter is close to – and you're close to, as well – you can buddy with on this issue? Someone who can give a healthy chick perspective and who can keep an eye out for fresh marks much more easily/comfortably than a male can?
uncertainsmile Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Hi DazedandConfused66, I usually lurk on here and recall reading your threads a while back so firstly I'd like to say I'm sorry for your loss. I've read somewhere (sorry, don't recall where) that self-harmers get 'relief' by hurting themselves, that it helps them to focus on a physical - rather than mental - pain as a release. Anyway, it was suggested that ice can have a similar effect - if one holds onto ice for long enough it hurts but there is no physical damage done. I'm sorry I don't have any other suggestions at the moment but I thought it was worth mentioning the ice as an alternative strategy for your daughter.
2sure Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I just have a moment but wanted to respond because I had a conversation about cutting with my 13 yo daughter and one of her friends. Basically, they were asking me what it was - so no help there. BUT. She is sharing with you and thats huge. Its not a secret, so she decided she wanted you to know or at least now has some comfort in your knowing. Maybe she doesnt want it to be a secret. Maybe she wanted you to know? Next, she isnt cutting deep - just scratching from your description. Is it possible she was wondering about this and is just "trying " it on? Is it possible its more of an attention thing? Not so much, a See Me! Attention thing but a I NEED Attention thing. Your on the right track. Please continue posting.
Author DazedandConfused66 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Thank you for your replies and words of support.. Yes, I do consider myself fortunate that she confessed to me, even though really I more or less "caught" her when she wouldn't wear short sleeves. But prior to my wifes' death, both girls and I had what I would consider a close relationship that has only cemented even further since her passing. I still try to individually take them on dad/daughter dates as much as possible, although I now find I'm starting to compete with "real" boys with my oldest daughter who will be driving soon. But that was to be expected eventually. While my wife maintained several close friendships with women in our community, we don't have any family here. I have thought about reaching out to one or more of them as they are always offering help. But honestly, at least two of them I suspect are making overtures of more than just friendship and I'm just not at that place in my life where I want to complicate things further. I'm also not sure how my daughter will respond to "complete strangers" knowing about her situation. Her therapist didn't even know about it until I confronted my daughter and we told the therapist together. That's the nature of cutting...it's hidden until someone see's the marks. For the ice idea, we are doing something similar. My daughters' therapist suggested that she wear a rubber band around her wrist and when the urge to cut became very strong to "snap" it. It hurts but does no lasting damage. She snaps it pretty frequently and knows it's OK for now...eventually we will work on removing that placebo as well. At any rate, I'll still keep looking for alternatives for the accountability. For the past few days, she's put on a bathing suit (2 piece) and it leaves little hidden so we've worked around it that way. But I feel like such a....well....creep for asking her to do this. I KNOW it's for her benefit, she seems to know this as well. But it just makes me feel like I'm degrading her. I don't know..maybe I just need to view it as tough love and deal with what it is.
2sure Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I have been on a short vacation but have been thinking about you and your daughter. Interestingly enough, again last week my own 13 yo daughter brought up cutting again. She told me a friend of hers at school is doing it, so we had a talk about that - as much as I could seeing as I cant quite wrap my head around it. I told my daughter to tell the counsellor at school with whom both girls have a relationship.
Ronni_W Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 to reduce her "private time" to bare minimums ... how do I go about doing this without totally removing her right to modesty and privacy? I totally get your inner conflict over your "necessity" versus her "right to privacy". Was wondering if it might be worthwhile to (try to) change the mindset to see it as a temporary health issue instead of any sort of "privacy" issue? The removal of privacy is a consequence of her current behaviour. And, while there are psychological reasons for that behaviour, that does not mean that she ought to be completely free of any "negative" consequences. Sort of, if we cared at all, we wouldn't leave a youthful alcoholic unattended in a liquor store even if that means completely over-ruling his/her right to self-determination. Your actions are to protect your daughter -- she deserves that from you, and it will send a strong and clear message of how much you do care about her well-being, and the extent to which you are willing to go, to secure her physical, mental and emotional safety. God bless.
hotgurl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Dazed I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My daughter experimented with cutting. It was a shock to us. What we did was to have her go to counseling, also since it happened at school she had to sign safty forms promising not to cut again and not to harm herself and it gave steps for her to do if she was feeling the urge to cut esp at school. we also looked up all the razor blades and sharp edges that we had at the house in a lock box and hid it. Like you daughter she was experimenting with it just little scrathes but nothing deep. You could barely see it. Cutting is prevelant in teenage girls. It is a way for them to cope. Cutting is also a way of crying out for help. People who cut mostly are not suicidal. they are not trying to kill themselves they are just releasing the pain. It was a hard time for us. She was depressed but since we caught it early and immedatly took action it did not esculate. We went to a therapist who specilaizes in teenagers and pre-teens.
Author DazedandConfused66 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 All, The coaching on changing my perspective really helped. When I just put my shoulder to it, I didn't feel quite so much "the creep" for asking this of her. I'm her parent, I'm her dad...I OWE her this. It's not being a creep if you are doing your job, right? I had to tell myself this over and over and over but really I think I was kind of wimping out. I find myself doing that sometimes as a self-pity thing when I realize that if my wife were still here she'd be doing this or that. Well, she's not. I am. So it's my job to be both when I can. We stuck with the bathing suit routine. I removed her right to privacy other than showering and getting dressed and going to the bathroom. Until she can learn healthier coping mechanisms this is, unfortunately, for her own protection. We've gone the rubber-band routine (her counselor's advice) for now...she wears a rubber band around her wrist and snaps it hard when she feels the urge to cut. Thus far, I've seen no evidence of any more cutting. I have arranged for her to see her gynecologist (whom she trusts) once every 2 weeks for a routine inspection to ensure that there's no cutting where the bathing suit hides. We've stepped up the counseling to 3x per week for now and her therapist tells me she is opening up to a number of coping issues that she's struggling with. One of them, no surprise, is the loss of her mom and feeling like she somehow lost her best friend in the process. I can totally relate. But I know she needs to work through this on her own terms....as long as they are HEALTHY terms. Thank you again for the timely advice. Sometimes all it takes is a different set of perspectives and you gave me just that. Much obliged. -D&C66
Ronni_W Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 It's not being a creep if you are doing your job, right? Absolutely right! To paraphrase another, er, phrase, "Sometimes being a parent isn't what you want to do, it's what you need to do." I understand those intermittent feelings of "self-pity" -- then again, it's not really like that, is it? "Wistfulness" is maybe closer? Anyway. Glad to hear things are working out as well as they can be, under the circumstances. There is obviously a lot of love and respect and caring going on in your household. Your wife is being very proud of all of you, yes? Love, hugs and God Bless.
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