radar Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Here is my story. I would love any advise of others as to how to handle my situation. I meet the woman of my dreams back when we were 17. I pursued her for years. We were the close friends until our paths finally aligned seven years later. We have been married for the past 11 years. We have children together, but none from any other previous relationship. We have never abused each other in any physical or verbal manner. My beautiful wife is a very giving person. She always wants the best for everyone and always puts herself last. For the last 2 years, I have been taking that for granted. If I asked to go on trips with buddies or just go out locally, she was never one to say no. At home, I would do other things that would not involve her. Never spending any quality time with her. She had talked to me 3 times previous about how we were losing our connection. I would change and spend a lot of time with her for the next 2-3 weeks after each conversation, but it would never last. I would fall into the same routine of asking if I could do something and her saying yes because she did not want to be my mother - she is my wife. Recently, we had a heart to heart discussion again but unfortunately we were unable to complete it due to kids interuptions. It hit me again, what I was doing. So, I arranged a babysitter for the next weekend and we had planned to go to dinner and maybe a movie. Once we got in the car, she asked if we could just go talk somewhere. She started talking and said that she is done. She is lonely, miserable and can not live like this anymore. She went on to tell me that she felt this way as we have no connection any longer, she does not love me like that anymore. She would have moved out months ago, but our current situation does not allow that to happen. She said over the next few months, we need to get everything in order and once complete we will decide where to go from there. Right now, for her it is getting two separate places and moving on with our lives - not together. She has mourned and greived this decision for 6 months while it comes as complete shock to me. It shouldn't, I know. But at the moment it was like a train had just hit me. For the next couple days, I sat and look back at my life like it was a film and saw all that she was saying. I completely understood what she was saying. I just kept taking and not realizing what I was doing. It is truly my fault for the situation we are in. I asked her if there was still hope for her getting those feelings back and she said she did not know. She said she can not tell the future, but right now she is DONE. She had already in her mind started preparing how to handle everything with the house, kids and everything after the seperation/divorce. She is moving forward in her mind and I am trying to show her I recongize my mistakes and want to get back to the person she married. The problem is that she talked to me 3 times prior about this and sure I changed for a couple weeks, but reverted back to the same after a little time. She said "That is who you are - you think about yourself first" and that is not going to change. I was not like that the first 9 years of our marriage - it was about us and our family. Now, we share the same house still. I sleep in a separate room and have for some time due to medical problem. We are friends to each other and have not mentioned anything to our children. No more "I Love you's" - no physical contact - two people with kids together sharing a house. I WANT HER BACK. I WANT TO SHOW HER I AM THE PERSON SHE MARRIED. I am spending all my time with her and the kids now. The thing that really sucks is that it is truly amazing and I ask myself - what were you thinking - this is the best of times. Why did I go off and do things by myself? Thanks for reading my story. Any advise is appreciated. Where do I go from here?
carhill Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Simple. Ask her to join you in MC. I will warn you....if her love has died, if the emotional attachment is gone, recovery will be difficult. Some people bear such burdens silently; others act out; others have affairs. From your brief description, it sounds like she gave you fair warning. Others might suggest there's someone else. I won't go there. Do you have two years during which you make your marriage your priority? Above family, above work, above friends, above the children.... If you do and can commit, and your wife feels likewise, recovery is possible. It's a team effort. If you loved each other in the beginning and are compatible (MC will help you with this), you have every chance for success. I hope it works out for you
Edna07 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I guess just keep doing what you're doing and maybe she will decide she wants you back, maybe she won't. Don't push her though. Give her the space she needs. She is really hurting and probably feels like she has given you enough chances after she's banged her head against the wall after the 3 times she has sat you down to talk to her. I know that's how I felt the SIX times I sat my husband down. Now he wants another chance and why should I give him one? Just because he WANTS one? She is not obligated to give you another chance. I do think marriage counseling might be a good idea for you though. My husband and I went four times and it really helped open the lines of communication. Now he is going to individual counseling with the same counselor and the marriage counseling has stopped. Whatever happens, good luck.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I'm sorry but I think she's having an affair. You could be my exhusband. I worked and tried on our marriage for years- he wouldn't do counseling, he wouldn't read the books I bought or the articles I brought home. I asked his parents to talk to him. Nothing worked. He spent alot of time away from home pursuing hobbies which left most of the responsibility for everything on my shoulders. I talked to him probably 10 times about how I was feeling and he would change for two or three weeks and be back to the same old stuff after that until I would finally get fed up and blow up about it again. I did something very wrong in having an affair and did end up divorcing him (not for the other man). Women rarely up and leave their husbands unless they have someone waiting in the wings. Out of all of the cases I have seen- in person and on two internet relationship boards I have only seen one time that the wife left because of issues she wanted resolved. They went to counseling and got back together. If I were you I'd so some snooping. Check her cell phone records and email. Put a GPS in her car or a voice recorder. I bet you'll be surprised at what you find out.
Author radar Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 I told her I would do anything. I asked if we could do MC, but she is at that point where she is done. Her response: why now? We have gone over and over this same situation. I appreciate the advise about the affair, but she is one to give 130% of herself to someone and would never wander. It has really helped this morning to put in on paper and proves that in this world people do care about others happiness. Please keep the advise coming as it is uplifting and eye-opening. Thanks!
Edna07 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I don't think she's having an affair. I think she's just emotionally stripped. She's been trying and trying and you haven't listened to her and kept your promises to make things better. It's FRUSTRATING! You feel like you give and give and give and the other person just takes. That is how I feel in my marriage (my husband is also emotionally abusive and controlling though). I let him do whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it, I take care of our children, take care of the housework, am the primary breadwinner. I just want to feel a little appreciated and I don't think it's too much to ask. I am ready to leave my husband and no - it's not for another man. I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my home and not walk on eggshells anymore.
Mountains10 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I told her I would do anything. I asked if we could do MC, but she is at that point where she is done. Her response: why now? We have gone over and over this same situation. I appreciate the advise about the affair, but she is one to give 130% of herself to someone and would never wander. It has really helped this morning to put in on paper and proves that in this world people do care about others happiness. Please keep the advise coming as it is uplifting and eye-opening. Thanks! Radar, I'm sorta going thru the same thing. Originally I tried to blame my situation on an affair. I know my wife had feelings for another man and it may have been more, but I don't believe so. She said she regretted telling me about it because that's not the reason she said she was done. She said, she kept telling me over and over that I needed to help with the house chores, stop gaming so much, etc. I don't have kids and while I begged and pleaded with her for more chances, I finally had to come to terms with it on my own that she was done. I'll tell you what's worked for me so far. Stop chasing her and asking her for another chance. Show her the changes, don't talk about them. If you know what it takes to make her happy with you, just do it, your consistent actions will speak louder than your words ever will. Notice, I said, consistent. You have to change you, in order to get her back. I noticed, when I finally backed off and showed her that I could be happy, it's almost as if we reversed roles. Now she calls me all the time and I never call her. I'm not seeing anyone else and while she's still moving forward with the divorce, she's starting to gravitate back towards me somewhat. I don't know if this is good or bad at this point, won't read too much into it. Back off, make the changes, be consistent, that's my advice. Also, TrustInYourself had a good quote on here the other day, he said something to his wife that really struck me well, he said he told his wife this, "I know I can be happy with or without you, but I love you and I always will".
Mz. Pixie Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Everyone that I knew never thought I'd have an affair either but I did. Just do some snooping and let us know what you find out.
LakesideDream Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Sadly, I'd give Pixie's advise weight. You really have nothing to lose. What you have to gain is a realization that outside influence is/was involved and you are not quite the completely worthless man you present yourself as. It's 2009, Wives have affairs now. It's not a half Century ago when it was a rare occurance. A woman with children who is ready to leave a marriage because of "neglect" , not danger, or abuse, or because of a cheating husband is extremely rare. In all the cases I can remember both here at LS, and in life in general the women in question had a new lover waiting in the wings. A digital voice activated recorder, a long look at the phone bills Cell and Home, and a careful examination of the household finances my tell you things you would never have believed on your own. Do it. What you are going through, and are about to experiance will make more sense, and be more understandable if you discover your wife has an outside romantic interest.
Owl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 As yet another long time poster, I also would agree with LSD and Pixie. What you're describing is someone who is already checked out of her marriage. As both of them outlined, it's VERY RARE that you see a woman check out like this without an exit plan. And that exit plan is very, very commonly an affair. She's probably not just running away from you, but running TO someone else. Snoop...see what you find. You'd be AMAZED at how often we get posters who come back with "you all were right, she was cheating"...far more often than we see "you guys were all wrong".
carhill Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I asked if we could do MC, but she is at that point where she is done. Her response: why now? We have gone over and over this same situation. OK, then don't bother with the research into possible infidelity. Just serve her with divorce and custody papers and give her what she wants. Sometimes what women think they want is not what they really want. I'd opine most of the time Get back to us with your progress.
lostsoulmate Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I told her I would do anything. I asked if we could do MC, but she is at that point where she is done. Her response: why now? We have gone over and over this same situation. I appreciate the advise about the affair, but she is one to give 130% of herself to someone and would never wander. It has really helped this morning to put in on paper and proves that in this world people do care about others happiness. Please keep the advise coming as it is uplifting and eye-opening. Thanks! I am in the same situation as your wife. Will you talk to my fiance? We have been together for 6 years, engaged for 2. I am very unhappy. I have talked to him about it several times. Nothing happens. I cheated. I talked to my fiance some more about not being happy. Nothing happens. I have asked him to go to MC, he says it's not worth the money (I wish he would have said, when do "we" go? I now feel like he has given up). Know, at least, in your heart you finally "got it". Even if it is too late for you and her to make it work, you probably won't make the same mistake, will you? I hope things get better, I am not going to say work out, because I only know things get better with time.
Nomad1 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Text book affair. I would divorce her if I were in your shoes...well I once was and I did divorce her. At the time, I thought it was inconceivable that a catholic woman with 3 children who went to church every Sunday would do this! I was wrong. Of course she denied it at first! Having divorced her and moved on, I feel happier than ever! Don't waste your time! AND DON'T BLAME YOURSELF MAN! Nomad1
imagine Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Yup! Snoop, expose then without saying anything rebuild your life that includes her.
edgeof27 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Radar, I'm new here too, but, I asked for advice, &, I got questions, (of course I did not provide a lot of information), but, I think you need to be told, what I need to be told, ie, she's done with you, so... it's time to move on, don't waste any more of your life waiting for her, move on, improve yourelf, find someone else, suck it up, face the fact that you &, Mrs Radar are now on different screens, sorry to be blunt, but I have wasted 4 years waiting for "her" to come back, I wish I had I had found this web-site back then, maybe some one would have given me this advice.... g...
sumdude Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Usually.. once a woman says she's done? She's done.. been there, have the t-shirt. Seen it enough times on LoveShack over the last two years too. Oh there's the slimmest, tiniest glimmer of possibility but you might as well bet on the Detroit Lions. As far as whether or not there's an affair going on? At this point it barely matters at least as far as the relationship goes. Chances are there's someone giving her some kind of attention she's liking. Could be 'just friends' right now or more, meaning an emotional affair rather than a physical one. But the reality is that for a woman it's the emotional side of an affair or any relationship that matters more than the physical. In the end game an affair is the biggest symptom of her checking out of the marriage rather than the cause in most cases. Sorry to hear about what you're going through.. it really sucks but you will survive and persevere. All you can do is live your life the best way you can. Assume you're fine on your own and you will be. Start taking care of number 1, yourself and move on. If she has lightning strike her and a sudden change of heart down the road you may find yourself not wanting to go back.
lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Here is my story. I would love any advise of others as to how to handle my situation. I meet the woman of my dreams back when we were 17. I pursued her for years. We were the close friends until our paths finally aligned seven years later. We have been married for the past 11 years. We have children together, but none from any other previous relationship. We have never abused each other in any physical or verbal manner. My beautiful wife is a very giving person. She always wants the best for everyone and always puts herself last. For the last 2 years, I have been taking that for granted. If I asked to go on trips with buddies or just go out locally, she was never one to say no. At home, I would do other things that would not involve her. Never spending any quality time with her. She had talked to me 3 times previous about how we were losing our connection. I would change and spend a lot of time with her for the next 2-3 weeks after each conversation, but it would never last. I would fall into the same routine of asking if I could do something and her saying yes because she did not want to be my mother - she is my wife. Recently, we had a heart to heart discussion again but unfortunately we were unable to complete it due to kids interuptions. It hit me again, what I was doing. So, I arranged a babysitter for the next weekend and we had planned to go to dinner and maybe a movie. Once we got in the car, she asked if we could just go talk somewhere. She started talking and said that she is done. She is lonely, miserable and can not live like this anymore. She went on to tell me that she felt this way as we have no connection any longer, she does not love me like that anymore. She would have moved out months ago, but our current situation does not allow that to happen. She said over the next few months, we need to get everything in order and once complete we will decide where to go from there. Right now, for her it is getting two separate places and moving on with our lives - not together. She has mourned and greived this decision for 6 months while it comes as complete shock to me. It shouldn't, I know. But at the moment it was like a train had just hit me. For the next couple days, I sat and look back at my life like it was a film and saw all that she was saying. I completely understood what she was saying. I just kept taking and not realizing what I was doing. It is truly my fault for the situation we are in. I asked her if there was still hope for her getting those feelings back and she said she did not know. She said she can not tell the future, but right now she is DONE. She had already in her mind started preparing how to handle everything with the house, kids and everything after the seperation/divorce. She is moving forward in her mind and I am trying to show her I recongize my mistakes and want to get back to the person she married. The problem is that she talked to me 3 times prior about this and sure I changed for a couple weeks, but reverted back to the same after a little time. She said "That is who you are - you think about yourself first" and that is not going to change. I was not like that the first 9 years of our marriage - it was about us and our family. Now, we share the same house still. I sleep in a separate room and have for some time due to medical problem. We are friends to each other and have not mentioned anything to our children. No more "I Love you's" - no physical contact - two people with kids together sharing a house. I WANT HER BACK. I WANT TO SHOW HER I AM THE PERSON SHE MARRIED. I am spending all my time with her and the kids now. The thing that really sucks is that it is truly amazing and I ask myself - what were you thinking - this is the best of times. Why did I go off and do things by myself? Thanks for reading my story. Any advise is appreciated. Where do I go from here? Radar I am the fiance in a position like your wife. I am ready to go. I didn't think I would ever feel for my fiance again, so I have been thinking about me moving back home (14 hours away) and ending our relationship. We have a four year old daughter so I have been really torn as to what do I do? Then I found a website that talked about maybe MC isn't the best plan. Go look at Larry Bilotta's website. There are some FREE resources. I read them last night, handed them to my fiance. I feel better today, and have hope that we will fall "in love" again after reading and understanding why I feel the way I do, and why he feels the way he does. It is truly amazing the things that affect a marrige/committed relationship that you don't even realize. It definitely put things in a new brighter light for us. Good luck.
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I don't think she is having an affair. She sounds too loving and giving for that by the way you describe her. It's simple. She feels taken for granted. She gives much more than you do and she is tired of being the glue to hold it together. She is spent. Something has to go. It will put less on her plate that way. That something is you. You say you will change but you won't. You only tried hard when you felt your marriage was threatened. Now that your marriage is really in jeopardy you will be on your very best behavior. She knows you well enough not to fall for it. She's had plenty of lonely time to figure you out. She isn't leaving you for someone else. She is leaving you for herself.
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 She isn't leaving you for someone else. She is leaving you for herself. You said it much better than I. Thanks I can imagine her sadness is palpable
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 You said it much better than I. Thanks I can imagine her sadness is palpable There's never enough credit given to experience. So thank you. Perhaps her sadness is now replaced with hope at a chance to be happy.
luvwveers Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I left my husband of 19 years a year ago (almost - will be in March). I've been lurking on these boards ever since and had to respond to this thread. I had emotionally checked out of the marriage months before I left. I was done and nothing could change my mind. I did not leave my husband for another man. I have yet to even go on a date or WANT to since we divorced. The divorce was final last July. I left him for ME. He had emotional abused me for years and was a serial cheater. I forgave him over and over and he continued to sleep with other women. He refused any type of counseling, would berate me for every thing I did and generally made me feel like I was worthless. It got to the point that I was hurting myself (I'm a recovering self-harmer or "cutter") and I knew I had to make big changes or I was going to die. I don't want all the men who come here looking for help to think that all women leave because its another man. Sometimes you have to go through pain to find happiness. I am happier today than I've been in a very long time. I haven't cut in months and I'm even starting to make new friends again. Good thoughts and good luck to all that are hurting.
Gowithflow Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Everyone that I knew never thought I'd have an affair either but I did. Just do some snooping and let us know what you find out. I love you Pixie!
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I am happier today than I've been in a very long time. I haven't cut in months and I'm even starting to make new friends again. Good for you. And I ditto Carhill...welcome.
Gowithflow Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I left my husband of 19 years a year ago (almost - will be in March). I've been lurking on these boards ever since and had to respond to this thread. I had emotionally checked out of the marriage months before I left. I was done and nothing could change my mind. I did not leave my husband for another man. I have yet to even go on a date or WANT to since we divorced. The divorce was final last July. I left him for ME. He had emotional abused me for years and was a serial cheater. I forgave him over and over and he continued to sleep with other women. He refused any type of counseling, would berate me for every thing I did and generally made me feel like I was worthless. It got to the point that I was hurting myself (I'm a recovering self-harmer or "cutter") and I knew I had to make big changes or I was going to die. I don't want all the men who come here looking for help to think that all women leave because its another man. Sometimes you have to go through pain to find happiness. I am happier today than I've been in a very long time. I haven't cut in months and I'm even starting to make new friends again. Good thoughts and good luck to all that are hurting. Sad to hear about your A-hole husband. Good luck to you. But, in this case the worst thing the husband is guilty of is being off track in the marriage. No major drama, just a wife who is starved for attention. She may have found it elsewhere. This is a very real possibility. I would tap the phone because in this scenario it's guilty until proven innocent. I would also offer to work on the marriage, OR work on the divorce. She is way ahead of you in the healing process, so don't expect her to share in your misery. Try to be strong and a good dad first. She will see that.
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