LoveLace Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I struggle with this and sometimes wonder if my idea of "attractive" is perhaps, too much to ask considering my own level of attractiveness... After all the guys that are well-above average in my book are the guys that only go out with women that are almost-ten in looks and even with the best personality in the world these men would never consider dating me just based on my "average" looks...there's the theory that we seek those who we see as attractive as ourselves too. I have a FWB who is generally cute (not "hot" but cute), cool personality and I love the physical feeling I get with him...but I certainly don't just look at him and think "Oh, I MUST have you!!" Do you get turned on instantly just from looking at your SO? Or would you say maybe he/she wasn't all that attractive to you at 1st but personality changed that? I just wonder, being single and seeking a relationship, will I need that "must have you now" feeling most of the time in order to be happy with the physical part of the relationship? If I can't make that feeling happen instantly and I have to force reasons to feel it, does that mean I will feel totally unattracted in the long run? I've fallen in love with men that gave me that feeling based on a combination of personality/looks with a couple of flaws in the physical dept. But lately I've noticed things about guys that make me think, "I don't know if I could get past that...."...like ugly teeth or too much body hair...I guess the rule is if it grosses me out, it's probably a deal-breaker... Were you immediately, heavily attracted to your SO, or did it take time with getting to know him or her?
katterskacy Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 But I can only say for myself that I do need that immediate connection, That immediate chemistry. I feel so drawn to the man I'm seeing now, that I've accepted he has a girlfriend even though it hurts me. I do have those got to have you now feelings with him and no one else. I've tried to see men who want to see me (and are single) but if I'm not attracted to them, I can't.
Author LoveLace Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 But I can only say for myself that I do need that immediate connection, That immediate chemistry. I feel so drawn to the man I'm seeing now, that I've accepted he has a girlfriend even though it hurts me. I do have those got to have you now feelings with him and no one else. I've tried to see men who want to see me (and are single) but if I'm not attracted to them, I can't. Sorry about your guy having a GF. That sucks....but I know what you mean about trying to give other guys a chance despite of attraction level. It's as though you hope that something will make you feel more attracted, but it doesn't. To me it seems difficult to achieve that mutual feeling that you just can't keep your hands off each other...it seems like that's how it should be, yet also seems to be an unrealistic expectation in my experience so far...
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 When I met my BF, I thought, "He's definitely handsome." But I didn't have that "RAWR! Must rip your clothes off right here!" (Well, I did want to rip his shirt off - it was so ugly. ) It was more, "Hmm. He's attractive, and seems really genuine. I want to get to know him better." And I'm SO glad I did!!! This was COMPLETELY different than almost every other relationship I've ever had. But all of those relationships where there was constant, crazy chemistry crashed and burned. I think that animalistic passion blinded me to who they really were. Now, there are moments where I see him - particularly fresh off the mountain after a day of skiing together, when his hair curls up - that I just want to POUNCE! Otherwise, the moments where I just HAVE TO HAVE HIM NOW are created by the circumstances... usually during a sweet moment (him cooking me a meal when I'm sick, or giving me the remote to let me watch The Bachelor instead of his beloved 24), or when he's doing something chivalrous or manly. It's definitely not a 24/7 ooooh la la thing. But at the same time, we're almost always in constant physical contact... we can't keep our hands off each other. And you know what? As much as I really liked that constant hormonal passion from the past, this kind feels so much better... because it comes from a different place. Somewhere deep inside my heart and soul, not just my loins.
Isolde Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 When I met my BF, I thought, "He's definitely handsome." But I didn't have that "RAWR! Must rip your clothes off right here!" This sounds ideal. You shouldn't be turned off by your SO, but you don't need to always be 100% turned on, because that would be kind of overly intense. Also, you should think your SO is handsome/pretty, even if your friends don't agree.
Trialbyfire Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Were you immediately, heavily attracted to your SO, or did it take time with getting to know him or her? Crazy chemistry right from the get-go! It hasn't changed.
MSUE Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 well...I have been w my BF for 1 1/2 years and when we first met I noticed him rigth away and I was like OMG he's so hot and charming and I still feel that way I think he's the best and the hottest and he feels the same way about me 2...That attraction keeps the fire going...It was looks first then personality and god is he charming!
CandyGirlXO Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Oh god, I am so attracted to my SO. He is so sexy to me. Everytime I see him my heart beats fast and my face turns red. Its only been a month. I sometimes wonder what the hell he sees in me. This is only the 2nd time I have felt so attracted to someone.
Ramrod Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 My longtime girlfriend is a an attractive woman, way-out of my league in terms of her looks, now while she is attractive by conventional standards, and I am most definitely NOT, her looks never wowed me. As is common with the women I'm most attracted to, it was everything about her, the total package if you will, that really gets me going. Her beauty for me, lies inside her, it helps, that she finds me attractive, not speaking physically of course, she says this is the case, but I rather doubt it, but the fact she is attracted to me, doesn't hurt. Her personality, her heart, our chemistry together is what makes her the most desirable woman on the planet, at least in my eyes. My experience, and research backs this up, is that physical attraction and sexual chemistry flame-out after a few months, you really need "everything else" to go along with it in order to sustain a long-term mutually gratifying relationship in all respects. Her looks alone aren't what keep me interested in her, which is important, likewise, I'm very glad I do not have to depend on her sexual or physical attraction to me to keep her interested in me. Some people get better looking the more you get to know them, some do not. I'm glad I am one of those who gets better looking with time.
Author LoveLace Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 well...I have been w my BF for 1 1/2 years and when we first met I noticed him rigth away and I was like OMG he's so hot and charming and I still feel that way I think he's the best and the hottest and he feels the same way about me 2...That attraction keeps the fire going...It was looks first then personality and god is he charming! This is an example of what would make me very happy...but for whatever reason this mutual feeling just never happens with me...one-sided maybe, but never mutual...I don't get why it never happens to me but seems to be quite common among so many...
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 This is an example of what would make me very happy...but for whatever reason this mutual feeling just never happens with me...one-sided maybe, but never mutual...I don't get why it never happens to me but seems to be quite common among so many... There are probably guys who feel this way about you that you never give a chance.
Isolde Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 There are probably guys who feel this way about you that you never give a chance. Yeah, but she shouldn't settle! OP, none of the guys I've ever liked -- handsome or otherwise -- wanted to be in a relationship with me. I've experienced instant attraction, but nothing came of it. Regardless, I refuse to give up.
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Yeah, but she shouldn't settle! I totally agree. My point, however, was that if I had required instant RAWR! level chemistry, I wouldn't have ended up with the most wonderful man I've ever dated: my current BF. If I hadn't given him the chance, I'd have let go of something AMAZING. So perhaps "He's attractive... Hmm..." should be enough to at least see where things go. Also, LL has a tendency to give herself a wee bit of a pity party. I was just pointing out that for every guy she digs who doesn't feel her back, there's likely a guy that feels the same way about her. She's plenty awesome, even if she doesn't believe it herself.
Isolde Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I totally agree. My point, however, was that if I had required instant RAWR! level chemistry, I wouldn't have ended up with the most wonderful man I've ever dated: my current BF. If I hadn't given him the chance, I'd have let go of something AMAZING. So perhaps "He's attractive... Hmm..." should be enough to at least see where things go. Yeah, I mean, I've never been one to demand roaring chemistry on date one. Out of all my issues, that definitely isn't one. I'm glad to hear that you, TBF, and CandyGirl are happy right now!
Author LoveLace Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 There are probably guys who feel this way about you that you never give a chance. The problem is that I find myself "giving a chance" to ONLY guys that I only feel moderately attracted to, because I figure that's all that's required, but after a while I always realize that I'd be more attracted to this or that and there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to have that...it isn't as though I require movie star looks, but if stronger attraction is what I need then I just can't settle for the moderate feeling of attractiveness...course this is either based on looks alone or with a stunning combo of personality/looks.... I rarely have the opportunity to give chances to those who I think are just down right hot, because they are the ones who don't want to give ME a chance in the 1st place, because I'm not a size 6 or whatever.
MSUE Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Well guys...it took me a few failed relationships and a failed marriage too but I finally got it!!! at least for right now...who knows it might change? it might end but for now we are the hottest thing to one another... it'll happen to you but it's one of those things that can't be predicted it'll just happen out of the blue
CandyGirlXO Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I'm glad to hear that you, TBF, and CandyGirl are happy right now! Thanks, it took a while.
Author LoveLace Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 But your right SG in the sense that, many guys are very attracted to me that I'm not quite AS to attracted to in return, or vice-versa...always one way or the other, never mutual...it's frustrating that it never feels like a mutual, same-level kind of attraction....I've liked "hot" guys that I considered myself just as hot, but they don't agree...
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 The problem is that I find myself "giving a chance" to ONLY guys that I only feel moderately attracted to, because I figure that's all that's required, but after a while I always realize that I'd be more attracted to this or that and there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to have that... Well, if I hadn't felt more and more and more with each date with my BF, I would have moved on. Otherwise, I'd have been settling. So I think it's a good thing that you move on after not feeling more as well. I rarely have the opportunity to give chances to those who I think are just down right hot, because they are the ones who don't want to give ME a chance in the 1st place, because I'm not a size 6 or whatever. Why is it that you think your worthiness of being seen as beautiful is related to your dress size, LL?
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I'm glad to hear that you, TBF, and CandyGirl are happy right now! Thanks! I had to kiss a lot of frogs to get here, as well as realize that I wasn't a princess. But it still looks like I got the fairytale! (So far, anyway - knock on wood!)
Author LoveLace Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Why is it that you think your worthiness of being seen as beautiful is related to your dress size, LL? I don't, actually I like my size, but it appears the men I am most attracted to, are only attracted to whatever it is they consider is more attractive than me....size is just an example...
Isolde Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 LL, why are you so concerned about what guys find hot? I understand your focus on looks as it's easy to be paranoid when you're single and frustrated. But if you start thinking in terms of "leagues," that gets self destructive. If I thought about every guy that had rejected me and every guy going after me that I wasn't attracted to, I would feel like a freaking ogre by now. What is the purpose of that? Why not just simply get to know guys whose personalities you're drawn to, and spend enough time with them to see if attraction could ever develop? And if a cute guy pops up, don't automatically assume he will reject you. No matter how many times you've been rejected before. You can shield yourself from possibiltiies, but why would you?
boldjack Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I wouldn't put all my emphasis on looks. One of the chemically hottest loves I've ever had was witha woman, who's looks weren't anything that I've ever been attracted to.
zenith Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Yeah, I believe my SO must give me boners everytime I look at her
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