bloodymurder Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Hello, I have never done this before. I am usually the last one to turn to the inertnet for help or any sort of advice, however, my life has been turned upside down and kicked in the ribs, so why not. Here is the jist of my story. My fiancee...or ex fiancee, or whatever, met in our 2nd yer of college. We started dating and going out, it was wonderful. We we inseperable for 5 years. We were each others best friends, and we had a life together. We had a car, a cat, and all of that wonderful ****. She finished school in 4 years, however, due to my love affair with school, i am still there, trying to get my school finished. She would sit me down all of the time and ask why we weren't married, and why it seemed that I had no interest in the subject. It wasn't that I was not interested, I have just always been very cautious. Anyways, last summer, I gathered the balls to buy her a ring...one that SHE picked out during one of our jaunts to the mall. She never suspected that I would actually go and get it. I started to get really excitied about the idea of marriage. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but marriage has always been a foriegn language to me. Anyways, on October 24th I asked her to marry me while on a nice little drive. she said yes of course....I knew she would, and everything was wonderful. We wasted no time in planning the wedding, as we wanted it to be very small and exclusive. NOW......on December 6th, she comes to me, and tells me that she got drunk and slept with someone else and she can no longer marry me.......and she left...... Merry ****ing Christmas. I was alone....not knowing what the **** just happened. She moved out....I left the house for 4 days to allow her to leave without me being there. I decided that the best way to deal was this was to ignore her....give her space...dont call, text, or contact her. I don't even know where she lives now. Her family would call me all of the time to find out if i was ok....they dont know what happened either....nobody saw this coming. It has been 2 months....i have lost 30 pounds....i am drinking pretty much every night....i am pushing away friends and family because they are pissing me off...plus i have to try and finish school....i am losing my mind here....i am trying to tell myself that it is over....but i can't....i love her way to much....she is all that i think about. Last week she called....i don't know why i answered the phone....probably because i was drinking....but the conversation turned into a sobbing mess...both of us. Anyway, that was a long story, and i don't even know what i am looking for from people who read this....maybe some solace in that hopefully she is just freaking out, and not really gone.... or maybe someone that has gone through something similar....i don't know.
New York Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 All I can say is wow and that I can completely understand albeit on a far less intense level given that my girlfriend of two years walked out on me for another guy while we were long distance--nothing like what you are going through. That being said, when she called did she indicate any reason for her behavior? Did she express remorse? Did she tell you she wanted you back? Can you possibly forgive her if she did want to come back? Many people here will simply tell you just to cut her off and move to no contact. In my situation, I think that has been very appropriate. In your situation, I think trying to follow up with some answers may not be unhelpful depending on what she said in the previous conversation. I would also cut out the drinking if at all possible, and throw your emotional turmoil into your work some type of hobby or anything non destructive. It won't help ease the pain but it may distract you from things temporarily which can help you get through a single day. And once you get through a single day, you can work on the next. I am not sure if this is helpful but there are many out here who have been through similarly destructive times. I hope they speak up and share their experiences as that may provide some perspective on what happened to you.
Author bloodymurder Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Thank you for the response As for the one day at a time....that is my motto. I dont care what I am doing next week, next month or anything, for me it is one day at a time. When she called, she tried to explain why she was leaving, just like when she left for the first time. She said the typical things "we aren't fun, we don't do anything, i don't want to be tied down (coming from the girl who pretty much begged me to marry her) The onyl 2 things that kind of make sense are as follows... 1. The cheating: she said that she will never be able to see me the same again, and she will always have to live with what she had done. I said that was potentially true, but running away doesn't solve anything. 2. She didn't want to be like her parents: She comes from a broken home...one where her mother resents her father so much, they have been separated and together so many times and i know that she has always hated her parents for that, but common.... we were never going to be like her parents. And, why live life afriad of things.....anyone can get divorced...**** happens, why run away? Why get in your car in the morning? You might get in an accident? So, yeah, she has tried to give bull**** reasons....they dont make sense. I have done some reading on the subject of breakups, and some of the authors have said that when someone leaves someone else, they will grab at whatever they can to help justify their actions...even if these are untrue. So yes, I guess some of her points a valid, but nothing worth leaving over... and yes she still says she misses and loves me.....
lkjh Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 First thing you need to do is pull yourself together. Cut out drinking and anything else that can be harmful. Drinking can be a lot of fun but it is no help when you are down. Start getting active; studying, working out, and hobbies. Get together with friends and family. Being alone makes everything worse. Then you need to meet with her in order to get answers about what happen. Figure out what happened and then go NO CONTACT. Ask yourself this......If she came back would you really want to be with her.
New York Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 What happened is horrible but does not necessarily have to end the relationship. Whether you can recover from this as a couple depends very much on two factors: 1. Does she truly acknowledge the hurt and pain that she has caused you AND is she willing to struggle in order to empathsize with that pain while striving to earn your trust and forgiveness--she must earn them both. 2. If she is willing to do that, are you capable of ever truly forgiving her and learning to trust her again? These are not easy questions to answer and probably would require some serious counseling for both of you together and apart. Notwithstanding, life is never easy. Relationships are hard. You never fall in love with an ideal. You fall in love with a human being--flawed and imperfect. Is this one too flawed and imperfect for you--that is a question you need to ask. Once you start working on those two isses, she will need to learn to forgive herself. That may even be harder than earning your forgiveness. I do not envy where you are. You are in for some dark days but one way or the other, life will work itself out. It always does.
Author bloodymurder Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 I think that not trying to see if our relationship can continue is spitting in the face of our 5 years.... I never stop thinking about her. It would be easier if I could just hate her, and get on with it. I hate what she did to me.... but I don't think I could ever hate her. People **** up everyday....not saying that what she did was right, or justified at all. I think that running away does not solve anything...however, I need to protect myself....I cannot let her walk out of my life again. It hurt way to much... Until she makes some sort of motion towards wanting to talk to me about us, I don't want to talk to her. All of the reasons in the world do not change the fact that she is gone... I don't care why. She is still gone.
New York Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I think your position is perfectly reasonable. Until such time as she does reach out (and she will) you need to somehow find balance--not in a bottle. Read about this sort of thing. There is a great book called Trauma and Recovery. I have taken to blogging on this site over the last week since my girlfriend walked out on me after two years. I started writing, working super late, turning my energies any place else but to her, drugs, alcohol or anything of that sort. Frankly, it does not help all that much. But it does kill time until such time as she either comes back to me or I heal and move on.
Author bloodymurder Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 I have started painting again...i stopped around the time that we met...i am horrible at it. I will definitely check out that book, thank you. I hate thinking about just killing time, even though i know that it is what i have to do. The loss of control over my life has just been crazy... I have no control over anything anymore...I had an episode on the weekend where i was about 30 minutes away from trying to find a new place to live in a different city. I am just so lost...
neverlost Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Firstly... You have the same control over everything that you had before you met her and also while you were with her, that doesn't change. While she may indeed have become a part of your life, she wasn't a part of you. The person who you were in the relationship isn't lost, you are still that same person, but everything is clouded at the moment due to your pain. And you are right in some ways... her "reasons" such as she couldn't be with you knowing what she had done, are more often than not just excuses and to make it easier for herself, rather than just telling you she doesn't want to be with you. She would feel pretty guilty if she said that and if there wasn't a reason. By saying she isn't good enough or something for cheating on you, this makes her feel less guilty and makes her sound "honourable" you may even think... oh, how decent of her to say that, poor thing. You are making yourself ill because you can't stop thinking about her... about her coming back... thinking you will be back together... how can you heal and be free when you are like that? You are still in chains. As hard as it is, you have to think, and I'm sorry to say it, that is is OVER. Yes, over, finished. Gone. That way you can start to heal. We all think "she is just lost" and "she will come to her senses soon", and that way, when you think like that you are just hanging on. Waiting for her next move. I'm going to be honest with you... but please... wake up... you are putting your life on hold, waiting for someone to pull the strings who cheated on you before Xmas, I think that speaks for itself! As they say, time is a great healer... and this is true... in time YOU WILL feel better. Do not contact her or anything, even if she contacts you. And she probably will, to check you are ok to make herself feel better about it all. Consider her out of your life. Too many people here including myself have been a victim of waiting around, forgiving whatever the other person did just to get back with them. I know it's hard, and really, no words can help right now... in fact, nothing can help... apart from her, right? the person you need right now is her to make this all ok...? wrong. You didn't need her before you met her and you wont again soon. But post as much as you like on here, it helps a lot of people :-) Take care, -neverlost
SRV Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Try and stay away from the bottle. Endure the stages of grief sober. There will be tough days ahead but you will get through them. Do not prolong the inevitable acceptance that she is gone and you too need to move on with your life. She walked out on you, better now then if you were married to her with a mortgage, kids, student loans et al. Count it as a blessing in disguise, you will heal and move on, you must endure.
EmperorR Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Hello, I have never done this before. I am usually the last one to turn to the inertnet for help or any sort of advice, however, my life has been turned upside down and kicked in the ribs, so why not. Here is the jist of my story. My fiancee...or ex fiancee, or whatever, met in our 2nd yer of college. We started dating and going out, it was wonderful. We we inseperable for 5 years. We were each others best friends, and we had a life together. We had a car, a cat, and all of that wonderful ****. She finished school in 4 years, however, due to my love affair with school, i am still there, trying to get my school finished. She would sit me down all of the time and ask why we weren't married, and why it seemed that I had no interest in the subject. It wasn't that I was not interested, I have just always been very cautious. Anyways, last summer, I gathered the balls to buy her a ring...one that SHE picked out during one of our jaunts to the mall. She never suspected that I would actually go and get it. I started to get really excitied about the idea of marriage. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but marriage has always been a foriegn language to me. Anyways, on October 24th I asked her to marry me while on a nice little drive. she said yes of course....I knew she would, and everything was wonderful. We wasted no time in planning the wedding, as we wanted it to be very small and exclusive. NOW......on December 6th, she comes to me, and tells me that she got drunk and slept with someone else and she can no longer marry me.......and she left...... Merry ****ing Christmas. I was alone....not knowing what the **** just happened. She moved out....I left the house for 4 days to allow her to leave without me being there. I decided that the best way to deal was this was to ignore her....give her space...dont call, text, or contact her. I don't even know where she lives now. Her family would call me all of the time to find out if i was ok....they dont know what happened either....nobody saw this coming. It has been 2 months....i have lost 30 pounds....i am drinking pretty much every night....i am pushing away friends and family because they are pissing me off...plus i have to try and finish school....i am losing my mind here....i am trying to tell myself that it is over....but i can't....i love her way to much....she is all that i think about. Last week she called....i don't know why i answered the phone....probably because i was drinking....but the conversation turned into a sobbing mess...both of us. Anyway, that was a long story, and i don't even know what i am looking for from people who read this....maybe some solace in that hopefully she is just freaking out, and not really gone.... or maybe someone that has gone through something similar....i don't know. I was engaged as well, 3 years, my ex went away for 2 weeks and screwed some guy she just met came back dumped me a week later is with someone new. I also went through the weight lost, I lost like 20 pounds. I know how it feels man all to well all to well. "1. The cheating: she said that she will never be able to see me the same again, and she will always have to live with what she had done. I said that was potentially true, but running away doesn't solve anything." My ex told me the same thing, "I can't believe I cheated on you after you treated me so good, I'll always love you but I just can't be with you because everytime I look in your eyes i'll see pain":rolleyes: . A week later shes dating another guy all a piece of crap, scum like this get over the grief fast, they knew what they were doing. It's funny when they cheat, WE ARE THE VICTIMS, yet they take the victim role like oh no poor me screw that. Your young I presume I know 5 years is hard, heck I was with my ex for 3 months,your still i the early stages, trust me soon you will hate her with every bone in your body. After I was cheated on and left it took me like a month and a half to two months before I was finally out of the shock stage and started to hate, started tow ish every bad thing in the book to happen to my cheating fiance. Then i got to the point shrugs, looking back I didn't deserve someone like that and now 5 months later I'm better, I feel like I have so much ahead of me in life. Take it a day at a time, the first few weeks, months are the hardest, I know all to well, but were here for you.
Author bloodymurder Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 People keep telling me about the hate...start hating her, start hating what she did. I can hate what she did...I can't even begin to express my rage....but it is sad in that, no matter how mad i get, nothing even comes close to the pain and agony that is coming from her not being here anymore. My life was never that well thought out, i never really had a plan... but i did know one thing, and that was that we would be together no matter what our lives ended up being like. Now the prospect that that is not going to happen... its kicking my ass all over the place.
EmperorR Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 People keep telling me about the hate...start hating her, start hating what she did. I can hate what she did...I can't even begin to express my rage....but it is sad in that, no matter how mad i get, nothing even comes close to the pain and agony that is coming from her not being here anymore. My life was never that well thought out, i never really had a plan... but i did know one thing, and that was that we would be together no matter what our lives ended up being like. Now the prospect that that is not going to happen... its kicking my ass all over the place. TIme heals trust me, just keep busy and stop constantly thinking about it. And I know that pain as well, someone you always trusted always thought would be by your side then poof. That's life there is nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome of this.
JohnnyBlaze Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Funny, I remember this story. Change the words "Christmas" to "Easter" and "She comes to me and tells me" to "I saw her", and it sounds all too familiar. The perpetual inebriation, closing off from the world, being told to hate her (which, like you, I can never do...as much as I wanted to). I know how you feel, and I'm sorry. Time may heal the wound, but it's gonna take a lot of time. Admittedly, mine took a few years. My one saving grace was that she called me up 5 years after and wanted to meet up. Although I never wished her any ill, I have to admit: seeing how much of a train wreck her life had become with the other guy and how she'd lost all of the spark in her life, and hearing myself tell her about all the good and fun things I'd done since we split made me realize that I really was better off without her. Since those meetings, I've slept just fine. But if she hadn't called me, covertly looking for a baby's daddy for the child of the guy she left me for, I don't know if I would be able to say that I was completely, 100% over her. Even now, years later. During my drinking stage, I was lucky. I had friends that, although they couldn't understand, they did sympathize. As I later discovered, one of them even took it upon herself to be my handler. I don't remember most of that time, but she claimed that she was with me constantly, making sure I didn't do anything too foolish (as, I'm sure you understand, I wanted to). I could name three people right now who, without them sticking by me, I can say that in all likelihood, I wouldn't be alive now. As much as you may not want to be social, you do need to search out your close friends. They're the ones that will pull you through the worst of this intact. I won't lie to you; you've got a long road ahead and it won't be an easy one, but just know that you're not alone. As Emperor and myself have shown, there are others here who've been there, done that, and thrown up on the t-shirt. Good luck, and stay as strong as you can.
Author bloodymurder Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Wow.....thank you for all of the responses people...this is crazy. I think that I know I have to look at myself right now, occupy myself, find things, do things, meet people... The part that is the hardest is the suddenness of it all. I am still in shock. She and I were so happy, and she would tell me all of the time how happy we were, and she was to be marrying me and getting to spend the rest of her life with me. I refuse to believe that she would lie to me all of that time. That would be so unlike her... not that her leaving is so typical. But damn... we never fought, or had any reason to have this happen. Maybe thats why I am having such a hard time letting go, or why I am holding on so tight.
RM0123 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Your story reminds me a lot of mine. Although I was the girl begging for the ring. He never got me the ring but talked about us getting married. Well for me it was right after christmas and 7 days before our trip to the bahamas that he decided to break up with me. He said he was not ready for marriage and commitment and that I deserve someone who is. I later found pictures of him with another girl. I was crushed! We had been together for 6 years. He recently went away to Law school in VA and I am in MI. I am finished with school and have started working. Apparently he wanted the "college" life and this girl is right amongst it. I am struggling with all the same emotions and thoughts that you are. I think we all are. But I do agree with the others on here when they say you have to try to accept that it is over unless proven otherwise. I know I personally spend a lot of time wondering about the "what ifs" and whether or not he will come back. But do "we" (me and everyother dumpee) really want this person back after what they have done or do we just want back how it was before they did it? Things will never be the same. The trust is now tarnshed. It will take a lot of work and effort for the foundation of the relationship to be re-built and right now you are not sure if she is going to want to re-build it. So, try to make the foundation of yourself stronger and if she does come back, you will be in a better place to work on the relationship if that is what you chose to do. If she came back right now you would take her back in a second because you are uncomfortable (like me) and you just want it to stop. You want to do what ever you can to stop the aching and the aching started when she left, so obviously if she came back it, it would stop. But would it? Remember all of the feelings and memories were before she cheated. Things would be different now. Maybe not at first because you would be just glad to have her back. But months from now, you would start to feel uncomfortable for another reason, lack of trust. Right now your emotional brain is taking over your logical brain. But try to imagine years from now... You are with a another wonderful girl, with who you now share many special memories, and she is honest and faithful. Would you be glad that you didn't get back together with the current girl? Probably but that is so hard to even imagine right now, I know. But you should just try, a little bit. Sorry for the long post.... In a way these suggestions are directed toward myself. It is easier to give the advice than take it, even if it is the exact same advice someone would give you. Hope this helps.
Author bloodymurder Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Thank for all of the replies and good wishes. I still don''t believe that I (or we) can just give up on this... I can't explain it...
Clarenceturbo Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I have been trolling these boards for a good month now looking for situations similar to mine. this is the closest i have found. similar situation. dated a girl for just over a year, and we were very much in love. she always brought up marriage and i always took the notion in stride until we went ring shopping at the mall one day....just for the heck of it. we had everything....a place together, a dog, the ring i was buying and each other. it ended the same way your situation did. she cheated on me....actually twice in the same week with a guy she worked with. a complete, fat, immature douchebag. that being said, i wanted to figure things out, she didnt. she contacted me somewhat regularly for the first month or two, and i rarely initiated contact. she said she loved me and hoped i was doing ok. there is much more to this situation, but for the sake of responding to you, im cutting it short. fastforward to 6 months later. i wont lie to you, there isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about her, and what she could possibly be doing. but, the reality is, you have to start doing things for yourself. i lost 35 pounds in just under a month cuz i couldnt eat after it happened. so, i turned that weight loss into something positive by going to the gym and getting in really good shape. taking on more hours at work and finding hobbies i had long since abandoned. and the drinking.....yeah, i did it pretty much for 3 months straight....been weening myself off of it a bit since i see her out at the bars every now and then. bottom line is, you need to go NC with this girl, no matter what. nothing else will help you heal faster than that, and time. if your ex girl is anything remotely like mine, they want to brush everything under the rug and move on as fast as possible. the guilt will eat at them for awhile, and the whole time they will try to erase themselves from your life....ie, deleting you from facebook/myspace, going out and having fun with friends and having random hookups, etc. these people dont have good self esteems. in my case, my ex needs constant outside validation that she is worth anything....hence has slept with probably 10 guys or so since we broke up 5 months ago. Either way, i feel your pain dude, and i will tell ya, that time has worked the best for me. ive kind of slid into this feeling of "whatever" as of late. like, i dont really care who she sees and what she does so much. i really feel for people like us who have similar situations. but, just keep positive....put yourself out there, find new hobbies and keep busy. everything will be fine in the end. i tell myself this everyday
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