young girl inlove with a rich man...did i mention he was married...?

[Mr. Lucky]

I want everything that comes with being married to a wealthy man

Then why not use your smarts, education, ability and effort to get those things for yourself? Rather than seeing your self as a prize to be won, you would have more value as a person based on your own accomplishments...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jj33]

It probably because you dont want to give out details but it sounds like you havent told your family because they would not want you to be a second wife, they would want you to be a first wife even if it was to someone who was not as successful as he is.

 

It sounds like you will need to stand up for yourself as hard as that may be.

 

Everything that comes from being married to someone you dont really love and having to move to another country where things are wildly different, is not all its cracked up to be. Even if he is really wealthy.

 

You need to really sort out your priorities. If you do not go with this man, and you do not marry the people chosen by your family, you will have to be strong to say no to everyone who thinks they have your best interests at heart.

 

It cant be easy. Take good care and be strong. Doing what is right for you is always the right decision even if your family doesnt understand.

[herenow]

Well, it seems like you have gotten some good advice on this thread. I hope it has helped you.

 

I just have one question: Are you doing some research for a book you are writing? Just wondering.

[stillafool]

I say go for it! All you are interested in anyway is money and that's what he has plenty of. You want mind in 5 years when you become "old stuff" and his interests turn to his new 21 year old wife because you aren't really in love with him anyway. I say go for it!

[youngandinlove]

writing a book no, i feel comfortble with postings at this point, nothing more. I havent talked to him allday i think he starting to get the message that im really avoiding him now will see where it goes from here ill keep posting it should get as interesting as a book ...haha

[stillafool]

I havent told them because they are trying to get me married to some one they know back home. They believe in arranged marriage...i know this is like oh wow to all of those of you who do not come from countries that practice these types of marriages, but in my country of orgin they do. I am so unhappy i just feel like running away. But i am grown now 23 years old i can not keep shutting up the way that i do. I love this man but i will not marry him. I am really not thinking clearly right now. He is so comfortable he thinks we are doing well because everytime i speak to him it is very positive but inside im hurt. I know i will loose his love but maybe i will reatain his respect for making such a decision. Most women i talk to face to face give me two answer either they tell me how much of a ass hole he is and how much of a whore i am, or some woman tell me to shut up and take whats coming. I want everything that comes with being married to a wealthy man but its so early and im already hurting somuch......

 

 

I don't understand you love him, you say he loves you, you want money, he has money, you are willing to accept his lifestyle....what are you waiting for?

[youngandinlove]

From the what every one else is saying, i would be better off alone. Im hurting, i want him in my bed every night i want to bear his child, kiss,hold love all the stuff that comes with being his lady. but, i would be sharing him with his other wife...ive never had kids but from what i hear its an emotional roller coaster so i wonder would i be able to handle my pregnant hormones and his busy life that also includes his other family...i dont know?

 

today is day three of my slow break up withhim. I dont know ...thats just the way love goes...i guess...im sooooooo hurtttt

[OWoman]

YAIL I'm also from Africa, from a country where polygamy is legal. I'm wondering who this MM is who's going to be running for president soon - you're not wanting to marry Robert Mugabe, are you :eek::eek:?

 

Seriously though, if his first wife doesn't know about the intended marriage, and hasn't approved it - technically it can be challenged and anulled. A man intending to take a second wife has to be able to demonstrate (including to his first wife, to her satisfaction) that he is able to support a second wife (and family) before the marriage can go ahead. There may well be corrupt people who will perform the ceremony without that, but it will have no legal standing and you'll have no protection - nor will any children of yours - should he withdraw his support or finance. You need to think very carefully about that.

 

Even if it was all above board, do you want to be the second wife? The new wife who has all the domestic duties assigned to her by the first wife, whose children are last in line to inherit, whose value depends on the number of (male) children she produces for him, and who - in turn - may have to make way for wives three, four, five..? If you've been living in a different country, have gotten an education and have learned a different lifestyle, it's not easy to go back to that kind of life - having no say, having to be obedient and not answer back, being completely respectful at all times to a whole lot of people you may regard as foolish. He will want to show you off, for what you have become, but will still expect you to behave as if you weren't that, but just a simple girl from the village. He may be wealthy, but if he's considering a polygamous marriage, his traditionalist roots run very deep and he will not be a "modern" husband.

 

If he is planning on a public life of high office, you will likely be expected to be his plaything on his arm, pretty in the photographs but with no life of your own. He may take you shopping for shoes in Paris, but if most people in his country are hungry (and that's the case in many African countries) you will be hated rather than admired by most people, and a great many people who don't know you will wish you ill. Others will try to take advantage of you. You will not know who your friends are and who you can trust - and your husband will not want to discuss your petty insecurities as he will be concerned with matters of state.

 

Is that really the life you want?

[torranceshipman]

Wow...great post from OWoman...I'd listen to every word of that.

[jj33]

I second that great post OWoman

[youngandinlove]

No it is not and no it is not robert mugabe God forbid! I only considered being his girlfriend right now, i dont like to bring up marriage to him because i have not declared my stance on polygamy with him besides the fact that i am a christian from a family that polygamy does not exist. I want to point out that if we were to be wed she would know and i would live in my country of origin not his. Also, he will not be out of my life for the first year that I am officially his wife I will be working on some projects for his company based in the east coast. i have the option of working in the us for him or sitting on my pretty ass. excuse my language. Today, we spoke briefly before my evening class and he expressed some feelings of lonliness with out me, however i am going to stand firm and trainhim to either work on my time as his friend or live life with out me. I love him and i need him in the sense that he can be a mentor for me and a good friend. But i can take a break on the idea of being a wife for awhile. I just wanted to know the thoughts of different women and men concerning this issue.

 

 

oh and the comment about the shoes in paris , he has offered to take me to dubai to go shopping for the weekend but i have turned down the offer many a time. ....for my birthday..i just might take the offer will see ill keep all of you posted.

[jj33]

Something is wrong here your story changes with every post. Perhaps you are trying to protect your confidentiality but something isnt right. And Dubai is no paradise unless of course you are currently in another African country but you may learn a thing or two from some of the girls who work there.....

[stillafool]

From the what every one else is saying, i would be better off alone. Im hurting, i want him in my bed every night i want to bear his child, kiss,hold love all the stuff that comes with being his lady. but, i would be sharing him with his other wife...ive never had kids but from what i hear its an emotional roller coaster so i wonder would i be able to handle my pregnant hormones and his busy life that also includes his other family...i dont know?

 

today is day three of my slow break up withhim. I dont know ...thats just the way love goes...i guess...im sooooooo hurtttt

 

You say this and then you say..

 

 

I love him and i need him in the sense that he can be a mentor for me and a good friend.

 

Not to mention he can also be your bank. Why don't you do as another poster indicated and that is get your education, get your own career and make your own money and not depend on ANY man to pay your way. You can only achieve total satisfaction for your soul by making your own financial success.

[herenow]

There are a couple of things that I have questions about.

 

First, you say that he is very wealthy and able to do all these great things for you and your family, but he is always telling you abut get rich quick ideas. Why would a guy with so much power and money be interested in you getting involved in get rich quick schemes?

 

Also, you say your only choice is to be with him or sit on your "pretty ass". If you are going to school, I hardly call that sitting on your ass. And, are there no jobs that you qualify for that he is your only option for making money?

[jj33]

Just as I suspected there is a 411 scheme somewhere in here.

 

Well this has been fun but it seems it was posted in the wrong forum. As its a legally accepted polygamous relationship, it isnt really an affair, its part of the marriage probably belongs under marriage and relationships.

[youngandinlove]

i am breaking it all off when i see him this month....

[Owl]

No point in waiting until then. It'll just give you an excuse to NOT break it off when he shows up.

 

If you're going to end it...end it now, when he's not near, so that you can immediately go into NC and start healing. Never postpone taking action once you've made a decision.

[youngandinlove]

No, there is a point I CHERISH HIS FRIENDSHIP and I am a advocate for confrontation positive, ofcourse. He is weak when he is with me and thats where i want to leave him needy for me.

 

I dont know... ever since i posted this message he and i...the whole thing has been weird because i am being more short, more cold and less available to him and he cannot handle it.

 

I cancelled my trip to nyc to see him for v=day and he was so confused and dissapointed i told him it was for school, so he said he would come here and help me catch up for the weekend, sweet, but not enough to change my mind.....the end is near hejust doesnt know.

[Joyvke]

You cherish his money more. You say you don't care about it, but you mention he's wealthy in the first post. If you didn't care about that you wouldn't have mentioned it.

 

Just my 2 cents. Furthermore I agree with most posts made, nothing more to add.

[youngandinlove]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]No I do love him!!!! But come on he’s loaded what person in there right mind would not look at that as a reason to stick around. Obviously I was not sure about my stance on the whole thing that’s the reason for this whole Post!!! I wish he was single, there would never be an issue of marriage or engagement or even long term relationship, but because he is married I can’t be with him. Do you understand how I feel when I tell other women about this situation (not using my self in my story) do you know the reactions I get, at least one out of every three women think who ever the girl I am talking about is crazy!!! And I’m thinking crazy?? He’s married, that’s not reason enough to leave some one alone? So you can see how my decision was clouded. People (men and women) say things to me like tell your friend to have his baby. My boyfriend loves his kids so much he is constantly telling me how he is scared for the day she walks away and takes his kids with her. He fears the day she disappears with his children. I can tell she uses them as a threat to him, like "**** me over and I’M taking half and I’M taking the kids!!! So he avoids her all together. She is not the love of his life but she is the mother of his children, he has respect for her but he obviously does not love her. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]With all this said, I do love him we have amazing conversation he is very helpful to me in school but I know he will never be able to leave her or be willing to leave her for me. So in conclusion I have made my decision I am leaving him and but until I myself am marry I will never feel love like I have felt with him..........................................................................[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR]

[herenow]

OK, so now I'm really confused. He is rich and powerful enough to be running for a public office, but his wife is powerful enough to take his kids away from him.

 

Then you say because he is married you can't be with him. But on the other hand, if you do marry him, his wife will know and you and your family will live in a house that he will build for you, because legally you can marry him in his country.

 

In a country where polygamy is legal, how is it that she is so equal to her H that she will get half of everything and the kids? I'm not being mean, I really just don't understand. Can someone please tell me how this works because it makes no sense to me? Maybe it's true, but since I live in the US, I'm not aware of how these things work.

[whichwayisup]

I cancelled my trip to nyc to see him for v=day and he was so confused and dissapointed i told him it was for school, so he said he would come here and help me catch up for the weekend, sweet, but not enough to change my mind.....the end is near hejust doesnt know.

 

oh and the comment about the shoes in paris , he has offered to take me to dubai to go shopping for the weekend but i have turned down the offer many a time. ....for my birthday..i just might take the offer will see ill keep all of you posted.

 

Who flies to Dubai from NYC for a weekend to shop? Don't you need a visa to get into that Middle Eastern Country?

[NoIDidn't]

[No I do love him!!!! But come on he’s loaded what person in there right mind would not look at that as a reason to stick around. Obviously I was not sure about my stance on the whole thing that’s the reason for this whole Post!!! I wish he was single, there would never be an issue of marriage or engagement or even long term relationship, but because he is married I can’t be with him. Do you understand how I feel when I tell other women about this situation (not using my self in my story) do you know the reactions I get, at least one out of every three women think who ever the girl I am talking about is crazy!!! And I’m thinking crazy?? He’s married, that’s not reason enough to leave some one alone? So you can see how my decision was clouded. People (men and women) say things to me like tell your friend to have his baby. My boyfriend loves his kids so much he is constantly telling me how he is scared for the day she walks away and takes his kids with her. He fears the day she disappears with his children. I can tell she uses them as a threat to him, like "**** me over and I’M taking half and I’M taking the kids!!! So he avoids her all together. She is not the love of his life but she is the mother of his children, he has respect for her but he obviously does not love her.

 

With all this said, I do love him we have amazing conversation he is very helpful to me in school but I know he will never be able to leave her or be willing to leave her for me. So in conclusion I have made my decision I am leaving him and but until I myself am marry I will never feel love like I have felt with him..........................................................................[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR]

 

So, if he was single, would you have the option to "stick around"?

 

I'm lost. He's married and loaded so you "stick around". Would you if he was broke and married?

 

End of confusing questions.

 

This thread started out talking about being a second wife of sorts, right. So now why does it sound like it just a garden variety affair with some wealthy guy taking advantage of a young, impressionable girl? If you met him (wealthy) chances are you can meet others like him but not married.

 

I don't get the draw. I had my share of wealthy married men to hit on me. It was disgusting - probably because they weren't all that attractive and were assuming that I would "stick around" just because of their wealth.

[herenow]

Who flies to Dubai from NYC for a weekend to shop? Don't you need a visa to get into that Middle Eastern Country?

 

Yeah, the Dubai comment sounded very cliche.

[herenow]

So, if he was single, would you have the option to "stick around"?

 

I'm lost. He's married and loaded so you "stick around". Would you if he was broke and married?

 

End of confusing questions.

 

This thread started out talking about being a second wife of sorts, right. So now why does it sound like it just a garden variety affair with some wealthy guy taking advantage of a young, impressionable girl? If you met him (wealthy) chances are you can meet others like him but not married.

 

I don't get the draw. I had my share of wealthy married men to hit on me. It was disgusting - probably because they weren't all that attractive and were assuming that I would "stick around" just because of their wealth.

 

Right. And, first she says that he speaks highly of his wife and now his wife is a wretched shrew who threatens to take his money and his children away.

 

Note to YAIN: Keep the story straight if you want us to take you seriously.