Boyfriend doesn't know what he wants, desperate for answers

[Mannequin]

I have been in a long distance relationship with this guy, Andrew, for over 3 years. We met online, but didn't meet face-to-face until 2 weeks ago. And we had a great time together, he even told me that he would marry me right then. No ring was produced though, so I thought of it just as an off the cuff thing he said to really express that he loves me and wants me in his life, especially now that we had met...

 

We live across the country from eachother, and last week I had a big crisis and called him in a panic, thinking he would welcome me with open arms if I needed a place to stay for a while. But that wasn't what I got. I emailed him frantically, it wasn't like him to put me off like this, to not respond to my calls or my emails. And when he finally did get in touch with me, he told me that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. Doesn't know what he wants for his future, or if he even sees me in that future at all. He reassures me that I haven't done anything wrong, and that he loves me as much as he always has. He told me he is afraid he won't be able to support me. Last night he told me he doesn't want to give up on our relationship, or for me to give up on him, but he can't give me any reassurance that this is just a phase either.

 

I'm scared, I'm worried over losing him... needless to say I've invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship being that it's lasted as long as it has, and I do see hm in my future. But what can and should I be doing in the short term?

[Geishawhelk]

In the short term you have to look after yourself.

If he's hit an emotional crisis point - that's mainly his problem.

 

I think what might have done it is that meeting you in the flesh brought it home to him that he is in a relationship, with a really-o truly-o physical human being. The excitement got to him, and his enthusiasm spilled over into saying things people don't usually say during a first f2f meeting..... and now he doesn't know where to put himself.

 

I think you need to send him a message, showing a calm composure, and telling him that he obviously needs some thinking time to himself.

You'll give him a week, (during which time you mustn't talk to him, or initiate any form of contact during that time).

Tell him that at the end of the week, you'll contact him to see how he's feeling.

But you're not putting any pressure on him to do anything he doesn't feel secure doing. (Not 'happy' - 'secure'.) What you want is to continue in a good realtionship where both of you are free to express yourselves and chase your dreams but in good time.

 

If he contacts you in the interim period, that's fine. That would be him making a decision.

 

But I think you just need to step back and let him breathe a minute.....

 

If he's still dithering, then this would be my suspicion:

He'd like to keep you in an Ldr, but it's possible he's considering the implications of remaining faithful to someone he never sees, and he's feeling a bit constrained....

He's getting cold feet, but doesn't want to admit it.....

 

This is just a wild guess though.

Good luck.

[nikki123]

If there is no plan for one or the other to eventually move. Than this union may not survive.

 

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