feelingused Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Hi, all… I posted here a few weeks ago regarding dating a separated man and how it fell apart. I got some nice, kind advice. Anyway as an update, I’ve been getting out there and going out with my friends, keeping busy, putting myself out there to date, etc. I want to move on and find a man who is available and not still hung up on an ex (or soon to be ex as was in my case). There has been no contact except he decided to email me last Friday to let me know that he and his soon to be ex (or his wife I should say) were for sure going to try to work it out and have stopped/stayed all divorce proceedings for now. I had a feeling that this was happening when I broke it off with him, but of course I wasn’t completely sure. He could have just decided I wasn’t the one and pulled away, too, to start dating other women. Okay, this is where I am going to vent. I just don’t understand….there has been nothing but drama the entire time I have known him (and I know it is a stressful time but some of it was way over the top – certifiable). She would leave him alone for a few days and then something would set her off and she would send him text after text after text insulting him and everything was his fault, he ruined her life. While they were married, she had complete control over him. She didn’t let him do anything without her – forget having a beer after work with his buddies – that was never allowed. If she couldn’t control him by not letting him do something she would erupt in temper tantrums and call him names (fat lazy stupid irresponsible) or she would use the silent treatment on him until he apologized even if he didn’t know what the issue was for. I mean, I am sure there were some good times, but seriously – she had complete control over him (he admitted it). When we were together he would tell me it was nice to be with someone that didn’t try to control his every move, that appreciated him for what he gave and was a partner with him. I was no doormat, but I won’t (I can’t stand it done to me) be a controlling person. I am just not. I am easy-going and level headed. But, he is going back to the control and drama. Is that what men want….difficult women? I can be difficult but in no way am I comfortable trying to control someone that much. I demand respect, honesty and loyalty --- which are basic – but there has to be some freedom and separateness and trust there. I just don’t get it. Okay, done venting. I know it doesn’t matter if I get it or not, that is what he chooses.
jj33 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Im sure this is all very disappointing. The thing is, its hard to know exactly what happened. They were separated. She may have acted like a raving lunatic in her texts but she was separated from her husband - very high stress situation. He may say she was always controlling but who knows for sure. The second thing is some men do like to be controlled. They dont shout it from the rooftops but they do like that. It relieves them of responsibility for any decision making. Cant go here W wont let me. Cant do that W wont let me. If he hated it, he wouldnt have married her in the first place. If he really hated it after being married to her, he wouldnt be going back. And finally marriage is much more than who do you love most, who do you laugh more with during the evening. Who do you have greater passion with. Someone said in another thread there is a glue in a marriage. Its a combination of all of the things that make up a shared life. And the combination is what makes up a marriage. And that is powerful stuff. That being said sorry you are hurting.
desertmoon Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Some men are just doormats....as some women are... He probably grew up in an environment where the women are like his wife...while he detests it...at least he knows what to do and what to expect--he grew up with it after all...he probably did not know how to act or what to do with the kindness and love you showed him...it was unsettling to him.... It is definitely not what anyone would want....still..what is familiar is comforting..no matter how twisted it is....
jj33 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Desert its funny you should say that. I was talking to a man I know who is recently divorced and he said that certain men coming out of marriages are so used to being told what to do by their spouses that they dont know what to do with the freedom and tend to gravitate to what others might call demanding women because it is what they are used to. Sometimes its because they are timid other times its because its more comfrotable for them to abdicate responsibility. Its an acceptable way of checking out emotionally.
bentnotbroken Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I would suspect he has cheated before and she is trying to keep him on a short leash. He is a liar and they don't start lying overnight. I would guess she has caught him in more than a few lies and it makes you crazy when you know you are being lied to and yet they continue to deny. The gaslighting is a form of mental abuse, and she probably gave as good as she got.
Reggie Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Could be any of the above. The nice thing is it is not your problem anymore. Just get out there and meet a comapatible , available guy. You can drive yourself nuts speculating.
desertmoon Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Could be any of the above. The nice thing is it is not your problem anymore. Just get out there and meet a comapatible , available guy. You can drive yourself nuts speculating. I agree! Why ask when there is really no real answer. It will just frustrate you and then you will start wanting to talk to him to ask him why and for..er..."closure" and then he is going to think you are a "bunnyboiler"... Okay, I am being extreme...but really, you are free of him now, in some sense..although obviously,he still occupies a space in your being...let it be...
Lucky_One Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 "While they were married, she had complete control over him. She didn’t let him do anything without her – forget having a beer after work with his buddies – that was never allowed. If she couldn’t control him by not letting him do something she would erupt in temper tantrums and call him names (fat lazy stupid irresponsible) or she would use the silent treatment on him until he apologized even if he didn’t know what the issue was for. I mean, I am sure there were some good times, but seriously – she had complete control over him (he admitted it)." You met this guy online. How do you know any of what he told you is true? Because if it is, I don't know many men who would already be out the door in a new place with new furniture and a new GF who would return to such a cruddy marriage - unless they really loved their wife and wanted to go back and the marriage wasn't so bad after all. With my cynical self, I would bet that he got caught cheating on his wife, she kicked him out, and he has been begging to go back home since he was forced to leave.
2sure Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 ….there has been nothing but drama the entire time I have known him (and I know it is a stressful time but some of it was way over the top – certifiable). She would leave him alone for a few days and then something would set her off and she would send him text after text after text insulting him and everything was his fault, he ruined her life. While they were married, she had complete control over him. She didn’t let him do anything without her – forget having a beer after work with his buddies – that was never allowed. If she couldn’t control him by not letting him do something she would erupt in temper tantrums and call him names (fat lazy stupid irresponsible) or she would use the silent treatment on him until he apologized even if he didn’t know what the issue was for. I mean, I am sure there were some good times, but seriously – she had complete control over him (he admitted it). You make his wife out to be so awful, and you have very detailed information so you must have a lot of insight into their marriage... If his wife is THAT bad and he chose her over you....what must YOU be like???
2sure Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 And I meant that with just a little bit of humor, I know you're just venting .You're entitled.
gopher Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Some people are uncomfortable without chaos or drama in their lives and will create it, if it's not there.
Author feelingused Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 You all have interesting perspectives...it doesnt matter because it is done. However, I think I was the exact opposite of her...which he liked at first...but then decided he wasn't comfortable with it. I don't know for sure exactly what it was like before (before he left) but I have gone to parties/get togethers with mutual friends (that knew the couple) and I've had them tell me she was super controlling and he was on a short leash. I was told by a few people that they are so happy he met me and I seem really cool and nice. Who cares? It doesn't matter what they think. But you know, you hear it from him and you hear it from some of the other wives/couples -- you believe it. She was older than him .... by 10 years. Not that that is a big deal.....but it is something. Thanks for the perspective..I think he is used to that dymamic and that is what he is comfortable with. I just needed to vent. And I am getting myself out there to meet other men, too. It helps me move on. Its been 3 weeks since we broke up and I thought we were in love is all. Just processing through my disappointment and am in the angry/kinda bitter stage. I hope I dont' think about it as much. at least I don't cry anymore at all.
jj33 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Some guys like being kept on a short leash. Its a way of getting attention. And really when you are in a short leash, you are in control. It means the other person is insecure. If you didnt WANT to be on a short leash, you wouldnt be. After all hes not a dog...
Author feelingused Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Yeah, I know. I just don't understand it.
NoIDidn't Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Some guys like being kept on a short leash. Its a way of getting attention. And really when you are in a short leash, you are in control. It means the other person is insecure. If you didnt WANT to be on a short leash, you wouldnt be. After all hes not a dog... Bingo! Love it! So true. Not allowing an insecure person to put you on a short leash actually forces them to grow a little. And sometimes people don't want the other person to grow any as they might feel unneeded. The person on the leash could be a little insecure too.
jj33 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 So true. If you need to have someone chasing after you and pulling on that leash it means you arent so secure either.
stillafool Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Hi, all… I posted here a few weeks ago regarding dating a separated man and how it fell apart. I got some nice, kind advice. Anyway as an update, I’ve been getting out there and going out with my friends, keeping busy, putting myself out there to date, etc. I want to move on and find a man who is available and not still hung up on an ex (or soon to be ex as was in my case). There has been no contact except he decided to email me last Friday to let me know that he and his soon to be ex (or his wife I should say) were for sure going to try to work it out and have stopped/stayed all divorce proceedings for now. I had a feeling that this was happening when I broke it off with him, but of course I wasn’t completely sure. He could have just decided I wasn’t the one and pulled away, too, to start dating other women. Okay, this is where I am going to vent. I just don’t understand….there has been nothing but drama the entire time I have known him (and I know it is a stressful time but some of it was way over the top – certifiable). She would leave him alone for a few days and then something would set her off and she would send him text after text after text insulting him and everything was his fault, he ruined her life. While they were married, she had complete control over him. She didn’t let him do anything without her – forget having a beer after work with his buddies – that was never allowed. If she couldn’t control him by not letting him do something she would erupt in temper tantrums and call him names (fat lazy stupid irresponsible) or she would use the silent treatment on him until he apologized even if he didn’t know what the issue was for. I mean, I am sure there were some good times, but seriously – she had complete control over him (he admitted it). When we were together he would tell me it was nice to be with someone that didn’t try to control his every move, that appreciated him for what he gave and was a partner with him. I was no doormat, but I won’t (I can’t stand it done to me) be a controlling person. I am just not. I am easy-going and level headed. But, he is going back to the control and drama. Is that what men want….difficult women? I can be difficult but in no way am I comfortable trying to control someone that much. I demand respect, honesty and loyalty --- which are basic – but there has to be some freedom and separateness and trust there. I just don’t get it. Okay, done venting. I know it doesn’t matter if I get it or not, that is what he chooses. The reason he puts up with what his wife does is for one simple reason and it cannot be denied - He's in love with her.
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