BCCA Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Just a quick question to my friends here on LS. I've been out of a 5 year relationship for about 6 months. The relationship wasnt going very well for some time, though, so when it was finally over, it was almost like a relief (although, there were a few setbacks, etc, and obviously, i miss having someone). For about the last 3-4 months, Ive been out there dating, trying to meet people, and being much more social than I usually am (not that Im anti-social normally, but I dont go out 3-4 times a week, either). My issue now is that Im just not meeting anyone. I go out on dates, but its usually 'one and done'. I also feel like I meet a lot of girls that have some other stuff going on, be it an ex or something, or that act super interested and then dont respond to calls/texts at all. Its getting to the point where I wonder if 6 months still isnt enough, and they can pick up on something in me that tells them to stay away. I am really, truly 100% over my ex, and aside from this post, havent mentioned her to anyone or spent any time thinking/talking about her for at least a couple months. Does anyone esle ever feel like maybe you just need a break to get yourself out of the rut? I do meet women, and I know theyre out there, but either my judgement of character is just aweful, or something is preventing me from getting anywhere with anyone. Thoughts?
audrey_1 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I went on a date yesterday for the first time since my break-up a month ago, and while it went well, I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do and whether I will go out with him again, even though he clearly expressed interest in a second date. I have been doing some soul searching, spending a lot of time by myself. I even took a couple days off work to make a long 4-day weekend to just sleep and think. I avoided any social contact the entire time, even from my family. What I came up with was I have had no time in between my last two failed relationships to decompress and sort out the details of this or that, and that I need to do that or risk more future failures.
Author BCCA Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Audrey, I know what you mean. I've had 6 months here, and I can honestly say that I hardly ever even think about my ex, and never in the 'i want her back' kind of way. I've had many nights alone where Ive thought about what went wrong, what I want, etc. I feel confident that if I did meet someone and we hit it off, I would be good to go for another LTR. I had a few years in between my last 2 relationships, and although being single has its perks, Im really hoping I dont end up single for years or anything. I guess Im just wondering if I'm just having bad luck or if there is something Im doing thats holding me back. I dont try and force the issue, and Ive only gone out with/chatted up girls who showed genuine interest, but I suppose it could be the law of averages, and I just havent kissed enough frogs.
fishtaco Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I need a break too! Oh wait.. I need a break from life in general. I need a vacation, or better yet, a winning lotto ticket. My issue now is that Im just not meeting anyone. I go out on dates, but its usually 'one and done'. I also feel like I meet a lot of girls that have some other stuff going on, be it an ex or something, or that act super interested and then dont respond to calls/texts at all. Its getting to the point where I wonder if 6 months still isnt enough, and they can pick up on something in me that tells them to stay away. That's just how dating is. Probably because you've been out of the game so long you forgot. That's just how women are. When women flirt with you sometimes they're just doing it for fun, maybe to get a couple of drinks out of you, maybe to get that hot guy over there jealous, maybe she needed an ego boost. It's a game. You play along until you figure out what she's about. If she's genuine, okay, maybe you can take it to the next step. 95% of the time you'll find they're just using you for something. So you play around and don't take it seriously. You're making the mistake that when things fizzle, you think it's your fault. Now unless you're a creepy guy that smells bad, it's not. This is normal dating. Women also change their minds all the time. Date 1 they think you're cool, then suddenly they feel like they're entitled to Brad Pitt and will not accept anything less. Whatever, just go with the flow and don't expect anything. Flirting means nothing. Getting her number means nothing (plenty of number collectors out there). Getting first date means nothing. Getting third date means nothing. It's all just play. But the good news is you can disappear anytime too. It's completely legal for her to do, and for you to do. That's just normal dating behavior. Multi-date. It fixes a lot of these problems.
Author BCCA Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 You make good points, and I appreciate the feedback. I have tried multi-dating as well, and I had a couple of weekends where I had 2 dates in 2 days. I suppose its well within someones rights to give me the cold shoulder, and I agree - its just part of dating. I do think its my fault, only because I seem to be the one getting the brunt of the situation. You make a good point, though, a lot of people give their number out to a lot of people with no intention of ever talking to them. If there is one thing I know, its that Im not a bad guy at all. I smell just fine, and I dont act creepy at all. I've gotten a lot of 'you seem like a really nice guy', and at first I thought that was bad, but as I think more, what in the world is wrong with being a nice guy? Nothing, its just the people Ive met arent looking for nice right now.
Surfer Dude Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Multi-date. It fixes a lot of these problems. True words. You should always be working multiple women, that will keep your options open, you will not fumble and lose your focus, and most of all - it will prevent you from becoming desperate and too attached to a single woman. The game is not about statistics though, it's about paying attention to the results and adjusting your actions in the future - it's about learning from mistakes. Many women will flake and disappear after the 1st date (or after you get their number), but that shouldn't discourage you. It just means you need to improve your game, weed out the potential attention seekers not take the rejection personally. Try getting to the third base on the first date, those women are usually keepers and many LTRs start that way. In fact, I've seen more LTRs start with sex on the first date, than those where people kept playing phone tag and setting up X dates in the future. Rejection and failure are no more failure than losing at your favorite video game to some boss! You just need to practice more.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I think it's good to give yourself a break after a serious relationship break up. I started dating about 3 months after I broke up with my ex and it was a huge mistake. I think you deserve a break. Get out and do something new, take up a new hobby, go to the gym, ect. Just take care of YOURSELF and eventually you'll feel good about dating again.
fishtaco Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 what in the world is wrong with being a nice guy? Nothing, but nice is irrelevant. Women don't look for nice in men. They claim they do, but they don't. You have to qualify in all the other departments first, THEN if you're nice also, it'd be icing on the cake. If all you have is nice, get ready for lot's of female friends. It's not bad to be nice. It's a good general trait, but it is disadvantageous in dating, because you'll tend to put yourself in situations where you're sticking your neck out, hoping she would reciprocate. Although if you insist on staying that way it is possible to work around it. Either way, never put nice as your selling point, women won't be interested. The only thing nice can work is after you already have her (using other means of attraction), she finds out to her pleasant surprise that you also happens to be nice. Think of it as a secret for only those that have proven to be worthy. Of course there's also the alternative to just quit being nice. Not nice doesn't mean a jerk, there's a happy medium. Contrary to popular angry nice guy belief, being a jerk doesn't work either. Being a jerk is an indication of how good he is at getting women, not the source of his powers. As in, he can be this much of a jerk and still can get women, because his game is that much greater than his jerk-ness. A jerk without game is just a jerk, even lower on the pecking order than a nice guy. And Surfer Dude makes good points too. It's not all just statistics like my original post may have suggested. Learning from previous mistakes will improve the success percentage and make "statistics" much easier, and fun, to play.
Surfer Dude Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Fishtaco is right on the money. When women say "you're a nice guy" they often think you're anything but nice. It's become an euphemism for desperate, needy, clingy guys, who are possessive, paranoid, stalkerish, project low value, supplicate, act spineless, put women on pedestal, devalue themselves with exactly the same actions they think attract women (paying on dates, complimenting, acting like doormats etc). Those same guys will often accuse alpha guys of being "jerks", but in reality women are attracted to jerks because jerks are usually confident, independent, free spirited, they are not afraid of showing they are sexual creatures, they project a fun vibe, demonstrate high value and overall alpha behavior. Women are not attracted to rude guys, but those alpha characters often have what it takes to attract a woman, so even if they sometimes act like assh0les, women would rather date such types and later complain about them to their "nice guy" friends, who are in reality anything but nice and attractive. If she can find a guy who is the best of both worlds (alpha + stable), she will never let him go. Guys, understand women too.
Author BCCA Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Thanks to all of you! You make another excellent point, and lately, I've felt as though I'm kind of trying to find that happy medium of being nice without that being my selling point. Youre right, its no womans first choice. I guess I'm going to focus more on being myself and not feeling obligated to be the nicest guy all the time. Im not really guilty of putting women up on a pedestal, but at the same time, I do believe your points about devaluing myself are right on. And sometimes, I find its hard to walk away from situations as quickly as I should. I cant even begin to thank you two enough. I sincerely appreciate this awesome advice!
Peter_pan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 so how do you not be a nice guy without being an a$$? cause i feel i fit right into the "nice guy" category. how do i step away from this without losing who i am at heart.
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