sighing Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Hi all- This (long) situation is two years in the making I suppose. I have been with my boyfriend (officially) for almost 4 years, but we've known each other and had interest in each other for almost 5 years. We've recently been discussing marriage and have been to pre-marital counseling for almost a year to prepare ourselves. We love each other very deeply, even through a lot of stress from his family (that's another story...) which has improved greatly over time. The issue I'm having involves a situation that began two years ago when above said boyfriend and I broke up for about a month. He had interest in someone else and he broke up with me to explore that interest. I was devastated, because early on I knew I was going to marry him. During that time I did everything I could to try and move on or at least make myself feel better. I had recently joined the myspace community (insert collective :groan: here) and was searching through guys pages. I saw an amusing picture that caught my eye and left a comment (not to mention the guy was extremely attractive). The guy sent me a message and we began to chat over aim. That was about it at that point in time. My ex eventually learned that this other woman was not someone he wanted to be with and we worked out the kinks and got back together. I didn't talk to the other guy at all after that. Fast forward to a year later... The other guy decided to randomly send me a message on aim one day, asking me how I was, etc. I responded and we began a polite conversation. That conversation escalated quickly when we began to realize we had the same sense of humor and we interested in many of the same things. Things were not so stellar between my boyfriend and I. We began talking on the phone and eventually had lunch together. Both of us were in committed relationships at this point, but we could not deny the fact that there was A LOT of chemistry there. He was moving very far away at the end of the month for a job and we continued on as if we were just friends, even though we both acknowledged the feelings we had. We never did anything more physical than hug each other as you would hug someone in greeting or leaving. Shortly after his move, we started to argue quite a bit. I think we were both frustrated. I don't do long distance relationships (been there, tried that) and he was very strong in his resolve not to break up with his girlfriend "for another woman". I understood that, because I wasn't exactly going to break up with my boyfriend either. I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted at that point because I began to see things in him that discouraged my thoughts of having a relationship with him. Eventually I stopped talking to him entirely, after he said something quite hurtful to me. A few months later we began communicating again, he apologized for being hurtful. By this time he had broken up with his gf for other reasons. Our conversation escalated even more quickly this time because things in my relationship with my boyfriend were on again off again for quite awhile. The other guy eventually started referring to himself as my "pretend boyfriend" and he told me many things that I liked hearing. During this time I also realized there were many things about him I didn't like and that we, in fact, would probably make a terrible couple. He came home for the holidays and we slept together during an "off again" time in my relationship. After that I told him I couldn't do this anymore, I realized how much I loved my boyfriend and I really needed to concentrate on making that relationship work. He was hurt, but he understood. (During that time he was also in denial that he was falling in love with a co-worker out where he lived, making things all the more complicated and I shouldn't have ignored those warning signs, but I did) Ultimately I know I did the right thing. We would have had a terrible relationship because we would have driven each other crazy. He probably would have continued to have feelings for that other girl anyway, even though I know he would never act on them (which is one quality I really admire about him and I hate myself for being weak). Since then he and the coworker and now in a relationship and he rarely talks to me anymore because, according to him, he doesn't want to hurt her since he told her what had happened between he and I when he came home for the holidays. He is quite true to his word. I recently had a discussion with him this past December (I called him), to try to get some closure on the situation. That was when I learned why he had stopped talking to me, even though he didn't want to. Truthfully its easier this way, I no longer have feelings for him...but.... There are days I cannot stop thinking about him! I will sometimes dream about him and the next day he is virtually all that is on my mind! WHY?! I don't want a relationship with him so why can't I get him out of my head? Is it because of the whole "what if" thing? I know I would be miserable in a relationship with him...is it because of how loyal he is to the person he is with? Am I jealous of that? I shouldn't be because my boyfriend IS just as loyal. He did have an EA with the girl he broke up with me for, but I had a EA too, just as the other guy did when he was with his first gf. If the other guy suddenly became single I wouldn't want to talk to him because I know we'd probably fall right back in where we left off and I'd start falling for him again. What is my issue?!
Mr. Lucky Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 What is my issue?! I'd say immaturity. Everytime things get tough in your relationship, you turn to someone else. Count how many times in your post you rationalize your actions by saying "Things were not so stellar between my boyfriend and I" or " things in my relationship with my boyfriend were on again off again for quite awhile" or "we slept together during an "off again" time in my relationship". You don't sound like someone ready to be in a committed relationship, a point which your dreams seem to also be trying to tell you... Mr. Lucky
Author sighing Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 hmm. That is an interesting point. Especially since that would completely contrast with the rest of my personality. I am constantly told I am too old for my age (24) but your response has made me realize that maybe I am a little envious of my single friends... And you're right about the rationalization. Why did I feel the need to turn to someone else to "fill the gap" so to speak, when things are not going well in my current relationship? I guess I'll have to search for the answer to that question. (But as an aside, I no longer feel that need) I also realized perhaps I felt some things were lacking from my current relationship and I was looking elsewhere to get them. (for example, the feeling of being the priority in someone's life) However that has since changed and my boyfriend has grown A LOT from where he was. His family really wrecked havoc on him and his sister while they were growing up...when I met him he still had to ask his parents for permission to do things and his mom used a lot of guilt trips to get her way. Lots of counseling has brought their family quite far in the past few years. I'm working on my MA is psychology and really appreciate all their family has been through in terms of emotional growth! Anyway, I'm rambling now. Thanks for the input! Outside perspectives are what I'm after.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I am constantly told I am too old for my age (24) but your response has made me realize that maybe I am a little envious of my single friends... In that thought is a litmus test. You'll know you've found the right person at the right time in your life when you realize that your single friends should be envious of you. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be free at age 24; the danger lies in ignoring those instincts. Why the rush? Mr. Lucky
Author sighing Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 I've had an epiphany: First, I think I was so taken with the other guy because he was so attractive physically and I would never have thought that someone that attractive would want to have anything to do with me (I went through puberty going to school where a lack in self-esteem is practically a class that you take). Second, I'm not jealous of my single friends...I do not want to be single at all. I hated being single. I instead MISS hanging out with them everyday like we used to when we were younger. I guess I am still resisting growing up. I also realized most of the girls I was referring to as my "single friends" aren't even single. I was focusing on the past, not the present. Third, (trying not to sound arrogant, but I'm still cringing because I'm going to say this) I've always had a "pull" with guys. I was used to easily getting attention when I was single and in high school/beginning of college. Now that he is in a relationship, the other guy is the first guy I've encountered who has been resistant to that pull. THAT is what bothers me about this whole thing. I know that he thinks about me, but he doesn't talk to me...that bugs the hell outta me! Now that I've figured that out, it doesn't bother me so much anymore. I think I made it sound like I constantly have dreams about the other guy. In reality, I go months and months without dreaming of him or even thinking of him in the slightest. Its usually only when I have a dream with him in it that I end up obsessively thinking about him the next day. In truth its not even really him I obsess over, its the situation. Now I understand why I couldn't get it out of my head before...because of my stupid ego! And as for the rush, I guess to me there is no rush. Like I had said in my first post (which I realize now is rather disjointed) I knew I was going to marry my boyfriend after I met him. It was just a feeling I had, which is completely corny but true. I believe that we fall in love with certain people for a reason, because somehow we know that they are going to help us through certain hurdles we have in life. For my boyfriend, I've helped him overcome an overbearing and controlling mom and let him know its OK for him to be himself and express his opinions and feelings without fear of reprisal. For me, he has helped my lack of self-esteem and made me realize that I AM a worthy person who shouldn't be afraid to "work the room" in a crowded party. Being shunned by his family (as I was by my peers in elementary school) helped me work through worthless feelings that I repressed for so long. I've finally come out of my shell. His family sees that now, too. Things are so much better for everyone. I really am relieved now (and embarrassed) because I've figured out what bugs me. I really couldn't understand why I was so stuck on it since I had no desire to be in a relationship with him at all. It wasn't jealousy or anything of that sort. Maybe I was supposed to go through this with the other guy to get over that immature "I can easily get the attention I seek" thing and now realize that I haven't been seeking attention for a VERY long time.
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